I would never speak of any teachers or professors on my blog, because I never had a memorable one to brag out. Also, I never had a teacher that was awful either. So, I never talked about them or had a reason to.

Yesterday, I had a long depressive spell, and all I did was read through my old posts, especially this one from a few days ago. I can’t believe what I have been writing, and I still can’t believe how my life turned out to be. Then all of a sudden, all I could think of is Mrs. Hubbard.

Who the hell is Mrs. Hubbard you ask your self?

Mrs. Hubbard was an almost retiree grade 10 health & life studies teacher in my highschool while I was still living in the US. Why did I remember her all of a sudden? Usually, many people don’t care to remember teachers, but her, she was blunt, old, and she had fun teaching teenagers. She understood them, and even predicted how they will end up being. Strange, but true!

I was very quiet in highschool, did exceptional work, and aced every course. I had no care in the world other than myself, and was very reserved and not so social. I was and still is very introverted. That’s why Mrs. Hubbard told me that one day that I will suffer dearly in my 20s and have a very depressive life. Can you imagine someone telling you that when you were barely 15 years old?

Now, while I am in my last year of my 20’s, I look back at the last 9 years with shock. How the hell did I survive it? How the hell did I end up like this?

I ask myself those questions every day, and I have no answer. All I can do is hope that things will just change and this dry spell will end. You guys think being in your 20’s is fun, and growing old and being in your 30’s or beyond is ancient, then all I can tell you, “you gotta be kidden yourselves!”

Advice, Blah Blah, Depressed, They said what?, Whatever!

I want to start a new trend this year. Every Tuesday, I want to post a song based on my mood or situation for the week. Today, I will start off this trend by Lady Gaga’s (@ladygaga) latest song, “Bad Romance.”

When this song first came, I was like holy shit! Someone is singing the TRUTH! How many of you were caught in a bad romance, and you just didn’t know how to get out of it? How many of you know people that are currently in a bad romance, and all you can do is just watch and see when it will end; peacefully one hopes though!

Gosh! Since this song came out, all I can repeatedly say in my head.. “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah! Rom-mah-rom-mum-mah! GaGa-oo-la-la!..” Then I cough in the end of that and say.. “ewww.. that was such a bad romance!”

My taste of Music, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I ran a poll the past week asking people if they are currently happy with their lives. Out of the 73 people that voted, over 50% said they are happy, but want to improve their themselves.

That actually makes me happy, because those people realized that their lives are fine, but there is more to hope for and look forward to. You are giving me hope too, because I don’t have to think that humanity’s way of thinking came to a halt.

What disappointed me though is not the negative poll results where people said they are not happy, or wondering why they turned out this way. On the contrary, I was disappointed that people thought that their life is absolutely fine. How boring is your life? Don’t you wish to improve? Don’t you wish you can improve? Aren’t you hopeful that something better will come along that will drive you to do something different with your life?

Change is not easy, and once you realize that you can, then nothing will stop you.

Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post, They said what?

I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.

My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.

If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”

Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.

Cause

When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”

I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.

Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.

Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.

You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”

I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?

Time

As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?

I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.

2009

After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”

I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?

As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.

Recovery

I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.

Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.

You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

This morning, I received an email from Brian Heck’s mother that he passed away on December 30, 2009. He was a daily reader and commentor on my blog. He loved Arabs and Islam. I was even wondering yesterday why Brian has not been on my blog for a while. I never knew it was that reason.

I never met Brian, but he was a kind person. He would always communicate with me via my blog and email, and send me custom music that he created just for me to listen to and share with the world.

I am still shocked! I went to his Facebook profile and saw the cause of his death, and I am still shocked of why he did it, but sometimes people with depressive symptoms can’t control their emotions, and evil just overrides their judgements. I just received back an answer form his mother and she said:

Brian was struggling with depression associated with a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder.  Brian did not like taking the medication due to the severe side effects. He became very depressed on Dec. 30th and ended his suffering by jumping off of an overpass.  Brian was diagnosed with this about 4 years ago and has struggled to remain focused.  He felt very deeply the pain and suffering in the world and it was a heavy burden for him. His goal in life was to teach English overseas and help people around the world, but he just could not get over his sadness and hurt for the people of the world. All who knew Brian were very shocked as he was a kind and gentle soul that laughed, helped friends and strangers with any need he could assist with. Do read the messages on his memorial page at www.MeM.com.

His mother sent me a link to his obituary. http://www.mem.com/ContentDisplay.aspx?ID=18319452 I am still in shock!

May he rest in peace.

Updated @ 6:30pm

This is the music he made in early 2008 called Rebellious Arab Girl, but I created the video and posted it in my account. So talented.

Culture, Depressed, Religion