Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

I have been depressed in my life, but I don’t know how I feel now. Maybe I feel utter shame and worthlesness. Something I never felt before, and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Maybe the days are just slowly running by. I can’t stop time. No one can at all. Life goes on, but what did we do to deserve this?

What mistakes that we purposely made to come to this? I have no idea at all.

I am asking my self all these questions, and I have no answer. I just gave up because I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing.

I have been at home and refused to leave for 4 days now. I am just not in the mood to deal with anyone now. My family is trying to be supportive and mom keeps telling me that I am not the first one. I know. I just refuse to be insulted. If I was my fault, then I would understand and let things be. But it is not. That is what is driving me crazy.

In the meantine, I have no idea what to do next. I do want to work on my project that I have been holding off for a couple of years now. I have to think optimistically now. I never did that in my life. It is hard and have no idea if it will work, but I got to try. I really have to try.

Life is a bitch, but that didn’t stop me.

I refused to eat yesterday because I was so angry. This morning my parents made me and told me to stop acting like a suicide case. This is the first time this happens to me. This is what I deserved. Maybe I needed the ultimate push to stop what I am doing so I can figure out now what I should do with my life. What will make me happy. I would really have loved a good excuse that is all. It drives me insane till now. Honesty is horrible with so many people. They are afraid of it.

So, I just sat at home today enjoying the cool comfortable spring weather. Best thing I can enjoy now. Way better than being in a room with barely any place to move, and is hot beyond belief. (This only happened less than a week ago.) 10 monitors and 4 workstations? Server room separating us that is almost 30c? I don’t get the logic. Insane people. I though my previous 3.5 year employers were crazy, but the one I had the past 2 months is the cherry on top of huge fat ugly cake.

They are still (the guilty) looking at my personal site. Stupid idiots.

Maybe I am relieved. Don’t you think? Maybe I should explore my options now. I got time. Only 24 hours in a day to do so much whenever I want. I have not come up with any concrete plans though. Hmm.. I am still recovering, but thinking too!

The world around you is joyous!

Oh what should I write today? I don’t know. I am very quiet these days and I just go to work, and then back home. It is so cold or rainy to do anything. I want spring to come. I want to smell the roses and walk under the sun.

Ahh!

Anyways, nothing new with me. No one is bugging me from my old job. Some say they miss me, but I don’t believe them. I think they wanted me to leave and said, “Good riddance.” I said, “Woopi!! I am out of there! Never going back to that awful place.” Two face backstabbing losers. I have never seen in my life such people. Maybe it was the age issue, or lack of communication and empty talk. Who knows!

I have not been doing anything productive. I have not returned tol my old self yey. I am trying slowly. I miss the old bubbly positive me. I took life lightly and enjoyed it. I aim to return to what I was. Yeah! That is my mission for the next few weeks!

Hi everyone!

All of you know that I am happy beyond belief. My new work place are all young adults, like me and all University grads. Well most of them! He he! Not only that, but they all eat lunch together, and on Fridays, they pick a random resturaunt that they can walk to and eat out! MY GOD! I miss being social and going out. It will take me time to recover, but wohoo, I love this job!

Wow, I have never been excited in my life. I chose a place to work at and not take the first thing because I was desperate for it.

Well, for my previous job, my sister called me a bitch for what I did. She said it with a smile by the way, and we celebrated with a cake! A yummy delicious cake that I was free! Free to do what I want! This week, my old co-workers, well two of them only that I didn’t directly work with, emailed me to congratulate me on the new job. I love LinkedIn and Facebook by the way. Just update the status, and feel the love!!!

One former co-worker didn’t answer my question regarding the software and how things changed. Knowing me and how evil I really am sometimes, and what I did by leaving all of a sudden, made me think that it is about time they close that part of the company. Software and them was going down hill, and they were squeezing every bit of skills I had and so depended on me. I was border line insane. Never in my life I have seen people change their mind every day, and the bosses, husband and wife, couldn’t agree on anything. I was in the middle of it all. Not only that, but my woman boss decided a year and a half ago that it was too cold to live here, and one of the most expensive cities in the states was better to live at. She communicated with me via email or phone. Her husband drove us insane the weeks he was up here in Canada. She might as well make the company American, and hire American programmers. Oh wait, no, Canadian young programmers are way cheaper!

There are more shocking stories by the way. Like the time we were told that there wasn’t enough money to pay our salaries (a threat), but a week later the boss was talking how he bought a Porche and a Harley down in the States. Also, full time people if they get sick, their salary gets deducted for missed days. Is that wrong?? I went to work sick because I need the small fortune! (Whatever!)

Anyways, enough of the past. Now I know what I like and not like. I want to be comfortable where I am 40 hours a week. Is that too much to ask?