I was thinking about my name. Mona.. what it means.. and do I actually like my name? Does my name effect who I am? I always liked my name for several reasons. It is easy to say, an international name, and has a simple meaning in Arabic. It means a wish or desire. However, a lot of times I don’t like my name and I don’t even like telling people my name.

First off, I don’t like my name because it is too famous. I don’t like my name because people in English speaking countries say it differently than the rest of the world that it lost all meaning. In English it is pronounces “mowna”, and in Arabic and other countries it is pronounced “muna.”

So what name would I have preferred?

My niece if named Malak (Angel). Who named her? Me. I named her that because I always wanted my name to be Malak instead of Mona. I really wanted that name. So I was thrilled that my niece was named that.

Now, I can’t do anything about my name. I got to live with it. Although I know that you can legally change your name. But why would I insult my parents cause of a name change?

So I always thought of my favourite names. I like the names Meriam, Noura, Layla, and Zeina. I just love those names because they actually have a good meaning. Unlike my name that means a wish or desire. What the hell am I wishing for really?

I want a new nickname. I could have easily masked my blog and used a different name than my real name Mona. But like I said, it is an easy international name. Simple. Right?

I want to be named hmm.. *thinking*

Blah Blah, Funny, Random Thoughts

A conversation were truth just creeps out without me realizing it. Makes me wonder really how others perceive me in real life. Am I just loosing my mind at times?

(11:46 AM) [11:46:04 AM] as: mona listen hun…………wat do u have ur money saved up for? u have to ask urself…………….if this is gonna help u out, then yes its a big payment bas why not……….its something necessary….why wait 2 yrs? 2 yrs is 2 yrs of ur young life
(11:46 AM) [11:46:18 AM] Mo: heek
(11:46 AM) [11:46:24 AM] Mo: i don’t want to spend my money on it now
(11:46 AM) [11:46:29 AM] Mo: so what if i have money
(11:46 AM) [11:46:32 AM] Mo: it is savings
(11:46 AM) [11:46:38 AM] Mo: i don’t know how life will be in 10 or 20 years
(11:46 AM) [11:46:47 AM] Mo: and iam not going to be irrational about it
(11:46 AM) [11:46:56 AM] Mo: i have to put up with crap at work to earn that money
(11:52 AM) [11:52:15 AM] as: and i dotn mean to say that….
(11:52 AM) [11:52:23 AM] as: and yes in 0 or 20 yrs u might need it
(11:53 AM) [11:53:17 AM] as: bas inshaallah u r still working, ur r still healthy and in 10 yrs u will save up more money but if u need to take out 2000 now for something important for ur enjoyment of life, then why not
(11:53 AM) [11:53:46 AM] as: ya3ni wats the point of life if all someone is gonna do is not live it to the fullest they can….at the moment
(11:54 AM) [11:54:06 AM] Mo: maybe
(11:54 AM) [11:54:44 AM] as: i know ur tryin to be careful bas its ok……be really really strict with ur money for just 1 MONTH, and then ur salary for that month can go towards it…thats it just one month
(11:55 AM) [11:55:12 AM] as: anyways….
(11:55 AM) [11:55:18 AM] Mo: aah
(11:55 AM) [11:55:18 AM] as: i dont like to see u unhappy
(11:55 AM) [11:55:21 AM] Mo: heek
(11:55 AM) [11:55:32 AM] Mo: im not unhappy cause of it
(11:55 AM) [11:55:37 AM] Mo: i am unhappy cause of life
(11:55 AM) [11:55:48 AM] as: ur unhappy cos u think ur falling apart?
(11:55 AM) [11:55:51 AM] Mo: heek iam sad
(11:55 AM) [11:55:53 AM] Mo: maybe
(11:57 AM) [11:57:17 AM] as: mona ur doing like me…..please dont do that…….a lot of ppl would kill to be in ur shoes……ur educated, smart, hardworking, good job, great parents, good family, they love u, they support u, ur attractive, active, have good taste….sensible
(11:57 AM) [11:57:19 AM] as: why be sad?
(11:57 AM) [11:57:32 AM] Mo:
(11:57 AM) [11:57:36 AM] as: ur in a good place…..so wat if there is lil problems here and there
(11:57 AM) [11:57:48 AM] as: everyone has lil problems!
(11:57 AM) [11:57:58 AM] Mo: i don’t know why i am sad
(11:58 AM) [11:58:05 AM] Mo: to be honest

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?

I was reading ChiKapaPPi’s article about girls and them proposing to a guy, since the guy is too chicken to do it. I found it quite amusing when I read it. Honestly, it would be the worst possible thing for an girl to do.

The problem with our society is the dominance of the male gender. Although, now a days, a woman is probably as tough as a man, even tougher. So taking away from a guy his most precious possessions, the ultimate male power is ridiculous. A guy till this day is as we all know is the head of the family. How can he be the head of the family if his wife is the one that proposed to him? The one that asked him to marry her because he was too chicken to do it himself. Shouldn’t a guy know when a girl likes him? Shouldn’t he be the one, who keeps bragging about his man hood, to ask a girl to marry him?

The problem with our society, if a girl asks a guy to marry him is she will be looked down upon. Society will think she is desperate for him. That it is a one sided love full of desperation. Why should a girl by the way ask a guy to marry her? Shouldn’t a guy go down on his knees and beg?

I’m sorry. I am not trying to be a feminist in any way defending women’s pride, but it is just absurd for a girl to bow down to that level.

A guy goes down on his knees, or as in our Arab culture, he goes to her family and asked for her hand, and not the other way around.

I know. I am right about this because I heard stories of Arab girls who did that. They humiliated them selves and their families to go ask a guy to marry her. I seen it happen. It is sad. But it is a sign of desperation within our society. It is a female’s way to get out of the nest forcefully in any way possible. It is sad. I saw it happen. I witnessed it happen. I suffered through it my self.

Suffered through it my self? What? Oh I probably never mentioned this. :lol:

I guess when you are desperate and want to leave your nest so badly and hate your life so much that you want to get out of it in any way possible, then you ask someone to marry you. However, that will only make the situation worse.

Was I desperate? Yes. I was tired. Alone. Sad. I am probably the ultimate person who says nonsense and asks the stupidest things. I asked him to marry me and I didn’t care if he didn’t love me. I told him I just wanted to leave the nest. I wanted to leave my family cause they were driving me insane. I hated my life and I wanted to change it so badly that I lowered my self to that level. It is pathetic. It is sad, and that’s why I think it is the worst possible thing for a girl to ever do.

So don’t do it or you will end up like me. Desperate, sad, alone and hating life.

Blah Blah, They said what?

So she got up and walked about – rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, “and if I really am a Queen,” she said, as she sat down again,

“I shall be able to manage it quite well in time.”

—-

I don’t know where to begin. I feel that my world is collapsing before my eyes. This is how it feels to be angry. Not angry with people. Not angry of those I love and respect. I am angry with my self. Angry of what has become of me. I have become this shrewed person who can master the art of hatred.

I don’t hate others as much I hate my self right now. My mind is thinking in a thousand directions at the moment wondering what my next step is. My problem is that I just think too much. Every possibility. Every step I take. I just think too much.

For those who have been keeping up with my thoughts the past week might think it has anything to with with work or doctors or whatever. No it doesn’t. It is because I lost my path. I lost the direction that I wanted and I set to my self.

Since an early age.. I had one direction, with time, that direction kept getting swayed. I kept trying to put it back to the right path, and it kept swaying more. It got to the point where it went off tangent. I couldn’t stop it. Now, the tangent has been broken. There is no longer a direction in my life. No path to take. I am just here. That’s all. Just here.

You may wonder what the hell I am talking about. I will tell you this. I can no longer manage my sanity in any form. I no longer love. I no longer hate. I no longer feel anything that is worth living for.

You may ask why? Why all this melancholy and anger?

Simple. I can’t stand anything anymore. I am angry. I am furious with everyone and everything. I can’t stand what I currently have and I can’t get out of it. I am trapped in this bubble that is in me. A bubble that I have created and made sure it wouldn’t burst. Now I am suffocating within it. I trapped my self in my own shield.

I guess when you try too hard to perfect something, all you get in the end a mere approval and no recognition. That’s my life. Full of accomplishments. Full of events and memories that I can boast about it. But no one to recognize me with.

You may wonder why I want all this if I want to be left alone?

Do we always say what we want in life? Are we ever going to tell others how we really feel and what we really want in return?

I wish I can just allow that barrier between the tip of my tongue to evaporate. To vanish so I can just become this unbearable person who doesn’t give a shit anymore and not think and feel guilty about every word she says. I really do.

Unfortunately, it is not the case. The more anger one feels, the more sorrow they feel. The more sadness their heart feels about anything.

I don’t believe it when some people I know tell me, “oh I have no feelings. I don’t care what others think of me.”

BULL SHIT!

When a person says that, that means that is ALL they are thinking about.

You know what sucks about us being intelligent human beings? That we CAN read through other people’s eyes! It’s funny how we really don’t need to have the sense of hearing, and the sense of speech to communicate. We just need to look at one another and see the truth. It’s simple. Just try it one time. Seek the truth for once. Don’t believe the rubbish that comes out of someone’s mouth. Just look at them and you will know.

So I am resentful of life. Resentful of my life. I hate every part of it to the point where I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. This is the point where one would loose the purpose of life. I guess I lost it. I think I lost it long time ago, but now I realized it. I feel sorry for my self that my realization came this late. It really does.

—

“I told them once, I told them twice: they would not listen to advice.”

“Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

I had an appointment this afternoon with an audiologist to check my hearing. I told him I have hard time hearing from my right ear and it seems to be just getting worse as the days go by. He discussed with me various options, which means a hearing aid tool. He asked me first, (he knows I work in the same building), and said, “Are you full time University employee? Do you have insurance? the government will only cover 500$ for it.”

I hesitated and said, “I am only contracted but I have my own insurance that I pay monthly.” He said, “The University insurance would have covered it all, so check with your current insurance and see if they will cover it.”

So I was sitting in this sound booth and taking this hearing test. He put the tube with a sponge tip inside my ears and continued on with me having to click a button when I hear the beeps. My left ear was fine. I was able to hear as much as possible. My right ear however, wasn’t the case. The more noise, the more pressure I felt on my ear. I donno how to really describe it. I just couldn’t hear that much. Not much at all.

After the test was done, he explained to me the results. He said, “your low frequency and high frequency threshold went down a lot from last time you have been here. You are too young. Maybe a lady who is over 60 might have this problem. But not like you within a 3 year time frame. So the low frequency is the one causing you the problems and it went down the borderline normal. It is considered now a mild hearing loss. It is just I don’t understand how can it be in one ear. Your ears are fine physically. All the sound waves are bouncing off properly. It just not making sense.”

I said, “what can I do now?” He said, “I really don’t know, if you call your insurance and see if they can cover a hearing aid, we can try it out for a month and see if it will make any significant changes. Other than that, just when you speak to people, face them and read their mouth properly. If you have problems just tell them to repeat what they are saying.”

I said, “fine..”

He then said, “we can do more tests of the ear muscles but you already did that, the only thing that was reported that you have a scar in your ear, but it is outer and I saw it too.”

I said, “what??? what scar?”

He said, “it is outer, it would not cause any problems whatsoever. It could have been caused by your severe ear infection when you were 15 and just tore some skin.”

I said, “ok ok..”

I was hoping deep down inside that he would give me a solution or medicine on the spot. Just to see if it will make a difference. I then said, “but I feel congestion and pressure sometimes.” He said, “could be allergies that is causing it too.” I said, “well, I do have allergies, but it was bad in May and June. I am fine now.” He said, “since the cochlea has a liquid which is composed of minerals that take in the sound to the brain using the nerves.. blah blah..” I forgot what he said, then he continued on saying, “you could be difficient in some mineral that your body needs, but then it would effect both ears.”

I said, “so no real reason.. fine fine.” He then said, “just talk to your insurance and see what they cover. Other than that, it is really fine for now and just come in one year so we can keep monitoring the problem. Ok?”

I said ,”fine fine fine…!! ”

So I just got home and checked my insurance website and saw the listing of all the things they cover. Hearing aid is not on the list. You wonder why? Cause hearing aids cost over $2500 as the Doc said.

So now I am furious because I have crappy insurance and I am wasting 114 dollars a month to pay for it. I am just mad that it is making me sick to my stomach of what I found out about my hearing.

It has just been a bad week.

I was just thinking of going to a real doctor tomorrow and see if they can help me in a health related way about my ears. Maybe I am just always congested and sick.. I am always sniffling.

Angry, Blah Blah