I don’t know what has clouded my sense of judgment lately, but I feel so drawn to this song. I like it. I find the words too powerful and have a lot of hidden meanings.

This song shows the weakness of women and men. But who wins in the end? Why do women always end up making the sacrifice?

Confused, My taste of Music

Someone emailed me last week saying, “Mona, don’t let anyone bother you, they are just jealous because you are better than them.”

I apologize for the lack of words that have been eloquently displayed on this blog for the past few days. I have been having a bad week. I always ask my self day by day, what am I doing in life that is horrible for people to dislike me or causing others to control my actions so badly so they seem better in others eyes?

I do nothing. I have done nothing magical or beyond comprehension. I am me. I have certain talents that seem beyond comprehension or shocking to others. Or maybe people don’t understand it. How can a very quite person, a girl, who seems a bit out of it at times and cannot put two sentences together, can produce such extraordinarily work?

I have co-workers at work that hate my guts or are just dying with envy with the way I commit my self to the work I am given. They don’t understand that money is not everything, and life is not black and white and you can only do this but not that. They don’t understand the type of people who are like me. The way we think. The way we want to represent our selves to the world by our work.

We are committed. We push our selves beyond our limits because we have to. Life is more than just give me this and I will give you that in return. I find joy in achieving my best and going beyond my abilities. I like to try new things because I am not afraid of failure. You fail if you do not try your best.

Now, I am a bit calm and I just didn’t want to talk the past week. I needed time to understand if the fault was mine or are people seeing something in me that needs to be stopped. I do not like to cause any problems at work or even bother with anyone. It is enough that I am stressing my self daily to reach higher levels of achievements. I am just committed to what I do and strive for excellence.

It doesn’t seem to sink in with others and it caused problems this week at work. I just sit quiet and ignore people for the faults they commit by crossing my line without any reason other than pure control and undermining my abilities. They don’t understand the overall picture, or maybe they don’t understand where I am coming from.

Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I wanted to close down my blog.

I have been leaving it alone for too many days that no one is looking out for it. I lost the drive to write anything anymore. I used to be very pro-active in this blogging epidemic. Unfortunately, as days pass, and my melancholy mood keeps taking over my being, anything that I write seems pointless.

I am not writing for you by the way. Yes you the reader. I didn’t make this blog to make you happy. I made this blog for me to talk about issues that affect me. It’s hard to do that when I am constantly bombarded by offensive comments and emails. All I know is, I am not making you read this. I don’t go around advertising my blog. I just write because it is my hobby.

Do you have a hobby? Does this generation have a hobby other than Facebook and SMS?

I like this blog. Every time I try to push my self away from it and think to my self that I need to grow up and stop writing, then something pulls me back.

…

Yes, I am talking now to my blog. It is me and my blog and no comments. You want to leave me a note, then email me. No comments.

…

My blog. I am suffering now from depression. It has been really bad the past few months. Don’t think it is about work. Work is just an excuse and a facade to cover up what I truly feel. You see, I don’t have a reason to tell the world my real problems. So I make up an excuse for smaller problems to be bigger than they are. I know people are sick of it, I am so sick of it, and the universe is sick of it.

Now, as time keeps wooshing by, I just look at my self in the mirror every morning and pretend to be happy.

It is hard since I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I have a really bad temper. That’s why I stay away from people and don’t like to talk much. I just cannot handle anything anymore that I seclude my self from the rest of the world. It is better believe me.

Also, I am happy being me. I am very satisfied with my self as long as no one bothers me. I don’t want people to ask me why did I said that, why did I do that, blah blah. I don’t want it. I grew out of it. I just grew out of everything. I don’t ask anyone, then they have no reason to ask me.

Fortunately, I sort of feel better today. I found this quote that I sort of like and got me thinking that maybe this is how we all feel.

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”

-Winston Churchill

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

“You must take initiative to keep your job,” I said this week at the prime of my third course out of seven to get my PMP.

It’s funny how our personality changes as we grow older. My personality has changed completely by 180° the past couple of years. I think it has to do with having a job that I am not fond of very much. And having a very boring life that I am not making anymore exciting by the constant complaints.

However, I am fond of one thing though, and it is the ability to make my own decisions and live my life as I please. I think it has to do more with my bad temper and stubbornness to get what I want. I think of various solutions, and I pick the one that I am comfortable with the most. That could either be work wise, friend wise, or life wise. I pick and choose because I have to live with it. No one else!

The one thing that I am not fond about really is love. I don’t think I can put my self in those shoes again. I tried several times. I met and talked to many men that I can potentially have a future with. However, something was always lacking. Maybe it is the acceptance of the way the other thinks. Or maybe it is what they know about life in general.

I found out that many of those guys are very closed in their own worlds. I don’t know why. I have been trying to decipher the code but to no avail.

Or maybe I keep talking to the wrong guys and I can never find this ONE guy. I might as well stop trying. At my age I rather be alone anyways. I work for my self. I do not have to hear nagging or thinking they are uncle Arab and keep pointing out something wrong every two minutes.

Blah..

Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Depressed, Featured, Random Thoughts, They said what?

One thing I learned the past few weeks from fasting, reading, watching the world evolve to the unknown, is that the only way to survive in this world is to be my self. To stop being fake around people just to please them. I am tired of pleasing people and being someone else’s shoe. I am far better than that personality wise and mentally.

Don’t get me wrong, my arrogance did not reach its high peak yet. I know how some of you love how I express my self in such a whimsical truthful manner that raises more questions than answers.

I do not think I possess some unbelievable talent or some meticulous writing craft that I genetically inherited. On the contrary, being one of the 3 or 4 university/college educated members of my entire immediate family does not mean anything other than I was born in better circumstances than the rest that allowed me to reach this far in life.

It’s funny how life shapes our futures. Where we are born, where we live, where we grow up, etc. Yet, does it shape our pride, personality, and our perception of life?

That’s what I want to discuss today, does higher education really shape our personality to the better?

I do not think so because I have met the most educated people out there, but their personality and social life is the most closed minded of everyone. Why is that? Why aren’t many educated people more open to life, have a welcoming personality, and are more social? It seems that the less educated are far more accepting of the basics of life than those who secluded them selves for years of studying and becoming what they are today.

Does anyone know why?

Advice, Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts