I have not written in a while, and I have been sporadically writing on this blog for the past year. I think I lost that writing epidemic that hit me a few year ago. As my blog approaches its sixth year, I look back and wonder what was the point?

It is strange that we can express our selves freely to a magnitude of strangers. It is the same as expressing our problems to a doctor, psychologist, or councilor. It is easy for us because we are not judged for being who we are. Why can’t those close to us think the same way?

Now, I do not think of people as strangers or close. They are all the same to me. Whatever they say or think or advice is irrelevant. I want to live my life knowing that I can say whatever I want without any regrets.

So here it goes, “I DO NOT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME! I AM ME. YOU ARE YOU!”

Phew, I got that off my chest. Now to the main point of this post. Honestly, I have not written in a while because I have been so busy doing nothing. (The oxymoronic verse you just read is typical me.) Every day I sit on the computer, I want to write something, but something keeps holding me back.  I rather watch TV, read the news, see what is going on in this small world.

It is must be harder to want to know what is going around us than seclude our selves from the rest of the world. The more I know about the world, the more I fear that I am no longer the original being that I am. The world is no longer what it used to be. Everyone is alike. Everyone has the same thought patterns and same view of life. Will the world progress any further with such a mentality?

I think I need to keep my self secluded from the rest of the world in order to express my self the way I used to, to tell the world they are wrong, but I cannot tell the world they are wrong if I cannot think of the reasons why they are wrong. I think that is the worse type of change in this world ; the lack of solitude to think on our own.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I don’t mean this post in the sense that you are thinking of. On the contrary, I am going to give my two cents on people’s sudden concern regarding my mental and psychological well being.

My last post has stirred a lot of private emails and messages from people that don’t usually comment or ever comment on my blog. I know of the incredible level of privacy breaches my blog would incur if you used an anonymous nickname, typed a comment to share with me and the rest of the rest, and clicked submit.

Such an ordeal!

I am not offended by your thoughts. I am not offended when you direct a message to me analyzing my personality, or trying to help me out. I share my life with the world! Do you think a comment from you would be so sensitive? Or are you unsure of what others will say? (I think they are afraid of you Mais!)

Here is what I think is going on. I think Arabs are afraid to even express their thoughts publicly even if they were camouflaged! Why is that? Why can’t you just express your self freely? No one will know who you are! And believe me, I don’t even care! No offense to you, but I don’t know that many people for it to affect me personally. I express my thoughts online because where else can I do it? In a journal kept secretly in a drawer for me to sob on?

So please my Arab and non-Arab online blog friends. Nothing you say online anymore is really that concerning. No one really cares! Unless you are a spy! Now that’s a cool job!!

And if you thought this post was talking about something ever so gay, then Arabs turn gay because of all that head to toe cover women wear! How do these people expect to get married? A guy is supposed to choose from a picture of a lady with the best cloth material? Oh so silky!!

So much to think about!

Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Funny, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?

Life becomes a cloudy journey when you lose your self esteem.

Sometimes I view myself as one with a strong personality and have great confidence and plan of what I want. Lately, that has not been the case. I think I am drastically drowning and I cannot swim. However, how did I reach this erratic mindset?

I am extremely unhappy with my life. I think it has to do with the way things have shaped up. The place where I am now which I didn’t want to be in.  The problem is that I cannot find a solution or a better path I want to go on. I feel that I purposely deviated from the path that I dreamt of. I am lost and confused to what I really want anymore. I think it is that end of 20′s mindset. Where is life taking me?

I need to figure out A, B, C instead of skipping to Z. I think that has been my problem all along. I want to get ahead so quickly in life and feel secure. Yet, I don’t know how or why or when or what I want.

I think brainstorming some ideas would be a good start right now.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts

I cannot find any reason to compare your mentality to mine. I am not going to start a mundane point of view that we are all different, yada yada yada.. That’s not the case at all. I don’t want to even say we are all alike. If we were, then we will still be living under a tree, because no one would have thought to put sticks together and build a small little hut where people can cuddle more in private.

What am I trying to get at? You see, I can say I am sick and tired of some people pointing the negatives that they see in me. It’s enough I have to endure my daily life, but getting so much heat from a bunch of strangers over the net is not my cup of afternoon tea. That’s why I have been a slacker when it comes to writing. Believe me, I sit on this computer every single day, but I cannot put the words together anymore. I think I lost my mojo because of you guys, or I just need a catalyst to flare it back up.

I know I am not interesting. I got nothing really important to say, but you know what, if I start being interesting, then I would be trying too hard to write a proper sentence and checking my spelling. I would be trying too hard to convince you that I am far more interesting than your nose picking co-worker or gossipy friend at school.

The Blame

Lately, I have noticed that some of you are pointing fingers at me. If I start talking about the opposite gender, then you start blaming me. If I start talking about work, then you start blaming me. If I start talking about friends, then you start blaming me. If I start to talk about life, then you tell me to get a life. So, what do you find so interesting about me then that you continue to read this? Are you waiting for “it” to get interesting?

I think you will be waiting too long for that!

Life and its Mysteries

Through out history, people looked at the skies to connect the dots that they saw to make some meaning of it. They thought of people, of animals, etc. Others believed that their bad karma, or being jinxed is because of the way those dots were situated the day before and have caused them bad luck today. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that we create our bad luck with our own hands. Sometimes we just let the bad accumulate because we are too fucking lazy to do anything about it. I am going to admit that I am like that. I am a very quite person, very reserved, obsessed with my privacy, and I don’t like to listen to anyone or bother.

I lost it. I became my worst nightmare.

Faint Knock on the Door

The only time that I let loose and think outside of my little world when I had enough. When the tears in my eyes have dried up. When my facial expressions have become cold and unwelcoming. When I look at others success and happiness, I say, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t even desire to get that anymore?”

I am very slow because I am cold. However, I am not heartless towards others, but I am heartless towards my self. I find someone else’s agony more heart breaking than my own. I put my self last on my list because … because? I don’t know why.

The Written

I write because I have something that I dare to say. When you come here and tell me to suck it up, or it is all my fault, then ask your self this, “What have I done in my life that is anymore interesting than Mona to even write about?”

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

When days are crappy, and life is treating me badly, I turn to you.

I miss this blog. I miss the days that I spent writing once or twice a day, even 3 times a day my opinions about life. I miss the 3 or 4 am blog posts of ill thought posts that I found no regret in writing. I miss the days when I was bombarded with comments of people insulting me and telling me I am wrong. I miss the days when I receive emails from horny men providing me with their international numbers to call, but I never in my life have dialed out of the country.

I miss the days when I received stories from readers wanting my opinion or guidance with their problems. I miss the days that people sent me hate mail condemning me to the pits of hell for having such a “literally truthful” blog for the whole entire world to read.

The past few months have constrained my habitual writing. I feel that I am suffocating internally but I don’t know how to get it out. Is there really anything to discuss? I don’t know where to even begin. If I start writing how I feel, I will get the pessimistic readers telling me to shut up, and the optimistic readers telling me that life will be ok. Yet, will that help me?

I suffer from depression. I am not going to ever deny that. I take it lightly or I try to find ways around it. You can say I am an expert of putting that amazing big smile on my face, which I call the ultimate form of denial or facade, and just move on. That’s how I lived my entire life.

Now, as I am aging gracefully, I found out that everything that I have been thinking about in the past, and the bumpy life journey that I have been riding, is not worth the headache. The headache is caused by my uncontrollable drive to wanting more. And I know some of you will argue back, because some did in the past with me, saying that I should not bother and even have such a drive in life and just go with the flow. I call these people followers by the way and their entire life span amounts to nothing.

Anyways, I need to stop being mean, which I am. I am pretty selfish and careless and just put all my energy to focus. Focus is a big problem for me since my brain is all over the place all the time. So, I need to go back and focus on the main things in my life. Try to achieve the goals that I have set for my self, and stop caring about people.

People are the root of all problems, and vulnerable people like me get sucked into it faster than the speeding bullet.

By the way, for those people that have messaged me on Facebook and emailed me asking about my whereabouts, I know deep in your heart that you cannot sleep at night knowing I have not written anything for the day. Oh you, I wish we all lived in blog land, make our own beautiful world and live in peace.

P.S. Majority of Arabs piss me off. I just had to through that in it.

Confused, Depressed, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!