Today is story telling day. So, there is this 26/27 year old girl that I know through my mom that is probably the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. She is one of those girls that make little old me intimidated if I even go anywhere near her. She has black hair, green eyes, olive skin tone, perfect body, not too short and not too tall, and just has a beautiful and sweet personality.

She is of Lebanese descent. She got married right after highschool when she was only 18 years old. She has a 6 year old son now and she started smoking recently.

My mom asked her, “Do you plan to have anymore children? Your son seems lonely.”

The girl said, “No. I don’t plan to. I am having problems with my husband and mother-in-law.”

My mom knows her mother-in-law and told me no wonder this girl is having problems with her.

My mom asked her, “What kind of problems?”

The girl said, “My best friend found out from her friend that my mother-in-law is trying to hook my husband up with another girl so he will divorce me.”

My mom was mystified. Why would her mother-in-law want to get rid of her? Wasn’t the reason she was married at such a young age because she was probably the most gorgeous girl out there? (A catch like no other!)

My mom asked, “Why would she do that to you?”

The girl said, “Because I don’t listen to her, and she wants me to wear hijab, not go anywhere and wear what she wants.”

My mom said, “And what do you plan to do? Maybe you need to go take a course or continue your education.”

The girl said, “That’s the other problem. Can you imagine me being divorced now? What am I supposed to do then with no education and nothing to do?”

My mom said, “Maybe you need to make your self busy and go get educated. Your mother-in-law will not leave you alone and you don’t benefit her son if anything happens in the future to him, but if she sees you applying your self and doing something, then maybe she will leave you alone.”

When my mom told me the story I was like what the hell? If such a beautiful girl is having problems, then no wonder why us average girls have even more serious problems. It’s those mother-in-laws that like to set their own rules that everyone has to apply that cause all the problems. They love to invent problems to ruin their childrens’ marriages.

Blah Blah, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

One person last week told me that they would really appreciate a true friendship with me and only read my blog if it wasn’t hiding behind a pseudonym AND is more real.

Another person told me that I need to post more pictures of my self, because they can’t believe that I don’t look like a nerd. They need more proof.

A person emailed me once asking me why I don’t talk more about politics.

One girl asked me why I don’t discuss the real problems that Arab girls suffer daily from their families and culture.

This guy yesterday insulted me and told me that I am a horrible person hiding behind a wicked lying mask.

Lots of Arabs told me that I am the worst person to represent Arabs.

Lots of Arabs told me that because I live in the western world, that I am westernized and I should never talk about Arabs.

Religious fanatics told me that being rebellious is a sin.

Many people write me telling me that I am rebellious against religion, and I am spreading sinful thoughts and telling girls to not wear hijab.

Then Mais, the most avid reader of my blog and knows what I am really about, told me this, “… Youre very clever but you expect simple minded people to understand you?! Seriously, no wonder youre getting stressed!”

I Owe People My Thoughts

I feel like I owe the majority of people something, and that something being a closed minded opinion about everything. I will tell you guys something, I don’t go around advertising this blog daily on other blogs. I was really pushing it the first 1.5 years, but then I stopped. I don’t comment at all on any blog, which makes me a horrible social blogger, but I don’t want to advertise my self. (I do read some blogs, but only a handful.)

Do you guys understand my point? I don’t go after you to tell you to read what I write. I don’t go advertise it to drive traffic to my site. I don’t do anything. I secluded my self from the world; yet YOU search for me and read it. You subscribe to keep up. You care enough to find any way possible to read what I write, because you know deep down inside that there is something about me that grabs your attention and makes you think. You care enough about the words that I write here.

I don’t owe you anything and you don’t owe me anything. However, those people that think that I do have always made me wonder why.

Then I understood why…

One person who was extremely angry with something I have written the other day told me this, “I hate what you write most of the time, but you have to be careful, your website is popular and many people are getting affected by it.”

So am I supposed to feel guilty now?

Searching for a Common Thought

Early this evening, I decided to go search for various Arab blogs. I wanted to read what personal bloggers have been writing and see what I am missing. I couldn’t read beyond a paragraph in most blogs. Then I got frustrated and stopped reading any blog. Most of the blogs that I read were talking about some event that they have attended that was “fun.” Pictures of food from the best restaurant ever. Or they displayed pictures of their latest shopping endeavor or overly expensive gadgets that they have bought. Or some tried to talk about how their kids threw up on the carpet and they spent the afternoon cleaning.

Am I supposed to discuss that? Will that make me a better blogger?

Fine, how about this for a change:

I cooked today. I did my project management homework. I didn’t feel like cleaning anything, and oh, to top it off, I also went to the bathroom to empty out all that well digested food.

Shoot me now.

Oh, by the way, since you think that I owe you something every time you read my blog with such eagerness, how about you do the same and write something worth a damn on your blogs from now on, and think beyond your nostrils for a change!

Words of Wisdom

I never give them hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is hell.
-Harry S. Truman

Blah Blah, Culture, Idiots, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Religion, They said what?, Whatever!

Ranting about Arabs time!

One of the biggest problems with the Arab mentality is accepting different opinions and lifestyles. I appreciate the fact that Arabs like to stay true to who they are, whatever they are, but seriously, do we need to make our one-sided “traditional” life decisions the only plausible ones that everyone has to follow?

Let me elaborate my point more clearly here. Arabs feel superior to other Arabs. Arabs feel superior to other cultures. Arabs believe that their lifestyle choices are the “clean” or “most ethical” ones. Why?

Jealousy

I think I discussed this a lot on my blog, but I have to keep reminding everyone that jealousy is a human characteristic. Yes, it is a characteristic that we CAN control. We can be jealous of the positives that other people possesses. That I believe will drive us to improve ourselves. However, jealousy that results in envy, negative emotions, and spite is not the healthy characteristic. Unfortunately, and yes, I will say it for the millionth time, negative jealousy is the number one cause of backward mentality.

Differences

The only successful people I ever met in my life are the ones that were willing to accept the difference. They accepted differences of ethnicity. They accepted differences in mentality. They accepted differences in life. They accepted abrupt changes in the world. They learned to cope with the what life is really about. Once they accepted the difference, their minds opened and accepted endless possibilities. Life no longer seemed black and white, and they ended up leaders in a gray but open playground.

Role Models

The problem with the Arab culture is the lack of role models. There isn’t a group of people that raise their hands and say, “I want to be a better person. I want to make a difference. I want to use my God given talents to the best of my abilities and become something memorable. I want to help others become better people too.” I never heard of role models. I don’t even know if there is such a phrase in the Arabic language. They only think of the “I”, and not the “We.”

Thinking

Thinking is a gift from God. It is our duty as human beings to think. God differentiated us from animals by this gift. We have to use it. We have to think. If I really want to get my point across, I have to discuss religion. Arab culture justifies everything based on religion. Even though only 80% of Arabs are Muslims, and I will not generalize about that fact, but religion has to be separated completely from the culture. The culture ruined the religion. Yes, it did. Islam is so much more, and if it is truly understood and followed at its simplicity, then none of this nonsense that Arabs come up with that justify their behavior based on religion would ever exist.

Since Arabs love to justify their Arabized actions based on religion, then why are women still treated as second class citizens? God created us as equals, but I don’t see it being applied in the Arab culture.

Why is free thinking outside the “religious” doctrines forbidden?

Why aren’t women allowed to be educated at a higher level, and even most to even be literate? Isn’t the first thing that a true Muslim should do is read? Why is man allowed to read, and women can’t? Why is man allowed to think, and women can’t?

Why am I better than you?

Finally, I will get the real point. Arabs love to directly show their superiority complex to other Arabs. If your Arab neighbor bought a gorgeous new pair of shoes, then you will bluntly tell them, “Mine are better and more expensive.” If your Arab neighbor went to a doctor, then you would tell them, “My doctor is smarter and better than yours and that’s why you are always sick.” If your Arab neighbor bought a new house, then you will tell them, “Where did you get the money? Who gave it to you to make such a purchase?”

Congratulations is a common and most used word in the Arab vocabulary, but it is always followed by the justification that I am still better than you, or how did you get that and who helped you? I wish sometimes they were really better, like evolving as a culture, not being classified as third world nations, and giving their citizens basic human rights.

I think too much, but I will never stop.

Confused, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Religion, They said what?, Whatever!

I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.

My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.

If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”

Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.

Cause

When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”

I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.

Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.

Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.

You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”

I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?

Time

As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?

I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.

2009

After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”

I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?

As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.

Recovery

I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.

Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.

You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

This morning, I received an email from Brian Heck’s mother that he passed away on December 30, 2009. He was a daily reader and commentor on my blog. He loved Arabs and Islam. I was even wondering yesterday why Brian has not been on my blog for a while. I never knew it was that reason.

I never met Brian, but he was a kind person. He would always communicate with me via my blog and email, and send me custom music that he created just for me to listen to and share with the world.

I am still shocked! I went to his Facebook profile and saw the cause of his death, and I am still shocked of why he did it, but sometimes people with depressive symptoms can’t control their emotions, and evil just overrides their judgements. I just received back an answer form his mother and she said:

Brian was struggling with depression associated with a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder.  Brian did not like taking the medication due to the severe side effects. He became very depressed on Dec. 30th and ended his suffering by jumping off of an overpass.  Brian was diagnosed with this about 4 years ago and has struggled to remain focused.  He felt very deeply the pain and suffering in the world and it was a heavy burden for him. His goal in life was to teach English overseas and help people around the world, but he just could not get over his sadness and hurt for the people of the world. All who knew Brian were very shocked as he was a kind and gentle soul that laughed, helped friends and strangers with any need he could assist with. Do read the messages on his memorial page at www.MeM.com.

His mother sent me a link to his obituary. http://www.mem.com/ContentDisplay.aspx?ID=18319452 I am still in shock!

May he rest in peace.

Updated @ 6:30pm

This is the music he made in early 2008 called Rebellious Arab Girl, but I created the video and posted it in my account. So talented.

Culture, Depressed, Religion