You are wondering why I am blogging at this time of the day. During work hours. You see, I refuse to do anything productive because no one looks at it. Then they get mad for it not being done or it being done in a way that only understood by me. Oh the world I live in. I am lucky that I don’t want to pull my hair from the roots. Bald patches in my head. Now that is a scene.
I am glad it is holiday season and hardly anyone here. I don’t want anyone here, and I want to just sit calmly and think. I want to think about my life. What is my next step. What will next year bring. I can’t predict, but I can plan carefully. That is what I learned. Time management and planning. Yes. I can do that.
Reading the news is depressing. I don’t like browsing the Internet. I play games on Facebook. I am tired of that. I want to sleep because it is cold. No snow yet and we are past the middle of December. It is gloomy outside and I miss the sun. I need more coffee.
Yes. Coffee. It makes the world a whole lot bearable.
Not, but I try to be. I have seen a lot, and I am refraining from seeing and feeling the crap all around me because honestly why bother? It has been so long, and such a tedious journey that there is no point of waiting or hoping. I don’t hope for anything anymore. I don’t wish for anything either. I am just living day by day. I try to stay calm, cool, and live life the way it was meant to be.
I just ask my self at that moment, why me? Why do I have to endure such a life and for whom? I am doing nothing for my self, no one cares or wants to know how I feel. I feel that everyone is trying to use me in some way, and I cannot say no. Why can’t I say no?
All I know is that I am not my self, I am a transe living a life that I don’t want, but at the same time, I can’t get out of it.
I am trying to stay positive, but I cannot for the life of me find a way to distort my thoughts into something joyful and blissful.
Why don’t you try to work 6 or 7 days a week? And for what? The purpose? The rush? There is no rush and no purpose. There is a need to be fast, quick, and always first. But are you? Why develop and be first or try to be if no one really cares and you are just one fish in a pool of 100′s! Why develop a half ass product that is untested just so you can be first. Would anyone want it?
So why be first? Why not be secretive and be better? Wouldn’t that make sense? Innovation is not the best anymore. It’s staying on top and finding a spot in the game.
Things hasn’t changed at work, but got worse. I gave them a chance and I wanted to see where they were heading, but all I can do is just say yes and look for another job. Hopefully God can hear my plea and I can just walk out and move on. I need to find something that will treat me as a person with the skills to do my best and not do a half ass job in order to reach an imaginary goal.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Didn’t I tell you guys this is going to start off as an awful year? I hope God keeps my sanity, because I lost my patience long ago and I am just contemplating if I should go into work anymore or pretend I am sick until I find something better. I hate this city, but what can I do? I am stuck here. I just need to wade it out. I just don’t know for how long I can take this. Don’t know at all.
I am known to make very spontaneous decisions in life, but this time, it will be slow but painful. I am going to quit the technical world but slowly. I do enjoy the part where I problem solve and be creative. I am very happy that I have a Computer Science degree, but I have been doing it for almost nine years, and it is not me. Not me at all.
That’s why I am trying my best to do other certifications, and now I applied for a volunteer position to help out kids in need and manage events and stuff. I still didn’t get the volunteer position, but I am keeping my finger crossed and I really want to do something else in life and sway as much as I can from the IT world.
I will tell you why I decided this. You see, in my previous job, although I came across to others that I didn’t like it, but I really loved what I was doing. There were a lot of ups and downs, but I had a purpose to help humanity with the software I was creating. What am I doing now? What have I been doing for the past two years? Making rich people become richer? Commercial software that has no great human purpose is driving me up the wall.
No wonder I have not been blogging a lot for the past two years. When I kept saying that this job was sucking the life out of me, I wasn’t joking. If I ever stay in this field, it better be for the purpose of helping people; otherwise, what’s the point? I lost touch with who I am. I am not like this. I am Mona. I am nice. I love helping people and doing something that makes someone else smile.
No wonder I wanted to study Biology and become some researcher finding a cure to some detrimental disease or become a doctor. But I didn’t sign up for this.
If my career and life is not based on enhancing the well being of humanity and contributing something in order for people to use and help them live life, then I don’t want it. I realized this too late. Or maybe it was just bottled down inside of me because I was lost in this world I accidentally fell into.
I know I have complained enough in the past. This is why I was complaining. I got sick of it and I cannot get out of it that easily. I have to try other ways. The day I started dreading waking up in the morning to go to work, then I knew I just have to end it soon in any way possible.
Thank God that I am only 30 and want to end this soon, and not live my life with regrets.
You know, as a computer programmer I was ridiculed a lot as being an abnormal girl. Why am in this profession? I have been called a million and one geek related names. But honestly, being a programmer is a very depressing job and it turned me into this over analytic person that thinks of a million and one solutions to one problem.
Is it a solution or just a million and one different ways that are relatively the same but coming from different angles to approach one problem? Yes, that makes no sense, but nothing in my head makes sense right now.
This is how I perceive life. There are a million and one way to do anything. I cannot for the life of me find the simplest solution to any thought. I just can’t. I think that is why I am always gloomy and depressed, and then suddenly bam! I am happy without a reason.
To continue from yesterday’s post, I am not happy, because I always think what if. What if? What if what? What if this worked? What if this failed? Why this? What that? Why me?
Oh I am such a depressing blog read. Go surf another blog that talks about politics or celebrities. Because I am not popular and I get no one ever emails me, and I am just an Arab and politics is not a problem in my culture.
You can feel the sarcasm eh? Har har.
I am going far away to TV land to watch American Idol and enjoy my evening in one and only one way with eyes glued to the TV screen, and ears open enjoying the melodies.
I will have a little answer question blog post tomorrow. So if you have a dying question to ask me, then message me on Facebook, Twitter, or Email me direct through my blog’s contact page.