When I was in my teens I knew people who were older than me and they kept telling me that being in your 20’s is probably the best or worst thing you can ever go through.

I say it is the worse.

Why is life so complicated when we are in our 20’s?

Life is not complicated at all, but we make it complicated because we are young adults trying too hard to shape our lives, our careers, and try to be part of society and make a name for our selves.

How do we solve our problems?

We don’t solve our problems, instead, we create another problem to cover the first one. We think that two wrongs can make a right, but life does not work that way at all.

How do we deal with problems?

Most of us in this age group are quite irrational thinkers and we try to solve problems now. Now is not the way to go about things. We live in such a fast paced society that is making us act this way.

Why are we so emotional?

I noticed most people in my age group are not only emotional, but hysterical at times. We are emotional for various reasons. We want to get married, find a perfect career, have a perfect house, have perfect neighbors, and even have perfect children. The problem with us that we look back a generation of our parents and think, well, they did it, why can’t we? Has life changed so much that the gap between thinking and the outcomes we strive for are so far apart?

I am just tired. I keep thinking and thinking and wondering why my life turned out this way. I had such different view points and future dreams when I was 21 or 22. Now, I don’t even think of tomorrow because I don’t know what to expect anymore.

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I am in therapy, and this is what I do to kill the unproductive hours at work.

Click to enlarge images.

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As hours pass by I just spend it thinking and thinking; as a result, my head ends up spinning in a million directions. I woke up this morning from my 3 or 4 hours of sleep with nauseating pain in my chest and head. I don’t know what is wrong with me and how I ended up this way. Why did I end up this way? I don’t ever want to discuss my real problems on my blog and I never will. Yet, I hit the surface on many of them and discuss the ones that I feel the time is appropriate for me to talk about them.

I ask my self these constant questions which many of you pretty much ask your self or even asked me about; who am I? Some of you even hate my guts and still come back, subscribe to my Twitter or RSS or email subscriptions.

But why?

I then keep reading my latest blog posts and guest posts and some of my controversial posts and wonder, why? I keep asking my self what have I done and why is everyone so interested? I wouldn’t be interested in me, and pretty much I would hate half the crap I have written here and never come back. However, I wrote it and I published it. I wrote how I felt as a person. Sometimes about the most mundane issues that make me question why? Many times people email me thanking me that I had the courage to speak out. Am I speaking out? What am I speaking out against? Me being an Arab? Me being a girl? Or just life in general?

As time flew, my writing changed dramatically. I became more of a curious real life diary that people are expecting to read every day. I don’t even want people to read it sometimes. Yet, I feel there are great expectations that I have to live up to.

Great expectations?

The past few days I have been getting many emails with so many questions about me, suggestions and self help tips, yet, the most obscure emails where the ones that said that I am not what they expected. What did you expect? What am I giving to people that they expect in return? A funny post? A rebellious political or religious post? Some post that defies the norm and so shocking? I am not writing for you or anyone. I am just writing. I had no other way left. I don’t do this for entertainment purposes. If my intention was to write about how I felt and about my life for entertainment purposes then I would come up with better content, but I am not a comedian. Dark and sarcastic, yes; comedic, no.

Do I care what you think?

I have been noticing a very negative view point from Arabs towards me. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I loved once and twice and three times. Is that a crime? I am not 100% religious but I don’t do anything that defies religion either. I don’t like being an Arab sometimes because I don’t agree with the Arab mentality that I find so repulsive.

Why?

I think that I did it for my self. I could have easily made it a simple diary blog with no people interaction what so ever. I have been doing that lately. Closing comments on certain posts because it is not necessary for me to read a comment by some stranger about how he/she thinks I am messed up or the most famous line, “your not the only one, so what?”

So what?

I didn’t plea for people’s help. I don’t mind the feedback, but I didn’t ASK for it. Also, don’t expect that I am writing for an “audience.” If I was, then I would be writing a fictional entertaining blog about how awesome it is being an Arab. I would take all the things that I think are negative, and leave the world with the 1% which is funny. Yes, we are funny people.

Am I like this in real life? What I am really portraying?

Remember this is a diary. A personal diary. I have one focus and that’s telling a story about me. Something I can’t do in real life. I am a good writer, and I express my self very well. In real life, I am the same in everything except expressing my self. I hide in real life. I am quiet. I really don’t talk much but if I do I am very defensive and I retaliate quickly. I don’t think when I talk. Not in a bad way at all. I am just honest if I don’t agree with something. I will not be fake about it and “satisfy” people with the proper answer.

Satisfaction not guaranteed.

I have no need to satisfy people. Would they satisfy me if I did? No. This is reality. This is life and people. Yet, people chose to read it. I wouldn’t personally read it. I don’t find it entertaining but heart breaking. Why would I read something like that? Yes, that’s the written part of me. Many people have things written about them, yet I chose to write about me. However, reading people’s opinions about me was devastating, yet, I chose to accept it. I chose to publish it to show the world what everyone else thought of me.

I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

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It’s Friday night, and I am sitting here pondering the reason why I am still here. I really am. I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. What is the purpose of my existence?

My problem growing up that I was always surrounded by negative energy that it made my life miserable. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to react. I just sit there and wonder, why me?

Doesn’t anyone think like that? Or perhaps like me?

At times I wonder who would care to miss me? Am I worth the remembrance? Did I do anything in my life worth remembering? And if I didn’t, what can I do?

My life has become really closed. Nothing is working to my advantage and I just sit there day dreaming all day. However, I just end up more miserable and crying. I think I suffer from uncontrollable emotions that are causing me physical harm. I have been waking up in the middle of the night with short breaths and rapid heartbeats. It’s like I woke up from a nightmare but I can’t remember anything. Also the lack of sleep is killing me.

I keep asking my self. If I sleep, what do I gain? Nothing.

If I don’t sleep I can avoid the nightmares and the physical pain that I have been suffering from.

It has gotten to that point in my life where I don’t care if it is a week day or weekend or any day of the week. It is all the same. Every day is pointless and I am not moving forward.

The reason I keep writing on my blog is to get some feedback from other human beings. To feel that I am not alone in this world and someone does care. That I am alive.

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I woke up this morning and I was dumbfounded by the fact that it is Thursday. I thought, wasn’t Thursday like two days ago? What happened to the days? I think my stress level has gone to the extreme that at times I see my self crying for no reason and loosing track of time. I would just sit staring at nothing and my eyes start to water and I just break down and cry. I think I am loosing it, big time. At times I don’t understand what my purpose is anymore at what I am doing with my life.

It all started last week when I was rebuffed for maybe the 4th or 5th time as being “over qualified” to be considered for a normal mid level position. I think the shock of rejection for the most bazaar reasons hit me hard. It’s enough I get rejected and feel so low from everything else in life, and I was hoping that I can control one thing, which is work. But I cannot take it anymore. I don’t even ask for a high salary or expect a high salary. I just want a bit more than what I am making now. Something challenging, to be treated fairly, kept busy and to be permanent with benefits. That’s it. I keep reading my resume over and over and try to find a way to change it or dumb it down, but I couldn’t. It was very straight forward and it was what a person with over 5 years experience would normally have. I thought to my self that I was able to get the interview, but why was I repeatedly told I was over qualified during and after the interview?

Am I that ambitious that is so noticeable? I want to move up the ladder. It’s my fate. I hate being in the same spot, it got boring and I will never grow as a person. The rejection hit me hard and I am wondering what will I do now with my life. At times I feel like starting over and just find another type of job that I can start from scratch at. Not really software but something else. I am a good writer, a communicator, very creative and an internet marketer. But who hires for that? I don’t live in California or New York where e-commerce and internet marketing jobs are common.

I was told numerous times that I should consider internet to be my career. Work from home? I don’t think I want to do that anytime soon. It’s too early in my life. I enjoy waking up in the morning and going to work. I feel like I have something to look forward to. I want to experience working in companies with different types of people and learning more about how the world works and making life time friends. People who make a living off the internet are so introverted and so self centered. I don’t want to end up like that. I didn’t make this blog for the money nor to make it a world wide sensation. I don’t want the popularity and money through this. It’s risky and not stable. Blogging is fun, and that’s it.

With software development and big marketing ideas there is always that curve that everyone has to watch out for. It’s a cosine that just goes up and down, and blogging is one of them. Everyone is doing it because it was the “next big thing.” But everything that goes up, must come down. I may not be the best business person or ever will be, but the best thing to do is just keep an eye for the curve. It is exponentially growing so fast right now, and it will go down really hard and I don’t want to take a dive with it. However, I will keep my self entertained with the next big thing out there. I don’t mind. In the mean time, I have to accept the fact that looking for a job is my top priority right now and it hurts. It has been hurting me for months and just hearing the rejection for the stupidest reasons is making my days at my current work dreadful and emotionally devastating.

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That’s what my life has ended up being.

Empty and going no where.

I was reading a few articles about relationships and I came across the term “one-sided love.” Every time I hear or read that phrase I quiver in my seat and think of what I did to my life. You can ask so many people if they were ever in a one-sided love relationship, and they would say yes. Others may argue that there is no such thing as one-sided love. Love has to be mutual. I disagree with that.

Love is not mutual. Not all the time. Sometimes people pretend to love you for various unknown selfish reasons, and you think it is mutual love. Sometimes people pretend to love you because they just need the company and to show off. Once you see any sign of this happening in a relationship, the other person is being used and abused emotionally. Then you automatically know that the relationship will end soon and become a long lasting what if.

What if?

Ahh..

I think I am having a bad day. I think it has to do with my pointless life. It also has to do with it being wedding season and I keep getting dragged to people’s weddings that I don’t know and wonder why they are 6 years younger than me and getting married.

Does my life suck or what?

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Smack my hands and tell me I am crazy why don’t you? As I was going home today, I got a call on my cell phone from someone. I answered and I said, “hello.” A lady answered back and said, “Hello. Sorry we didn’t stay in touch, are you ok?”

I said, “sorry, who is this?”

She said, “I am Dr. xxxx. The psychologist from campus that saw you back in October. Are you ok? I haven’t heard back from you and you missed your appointments.”

I said, “ah. Oh. Yah sorry. Life got busy you know, and actually went down hill since very early November with my job and life, etc..”

She said, “are you still employed in the same place?”

I said, “yes. Unfortunately.”

She said, “Well, are you ok?”

I said, “No. Not really. I think I turned into a worse person than I ever was. I became this blunt uncaring person. I just say what is on my mind and I don’t care anymore about the consequences.”

She said, “how blunt? It’s ok to express your self and say what is on your mind as long as you are considerate to others. You need to control your rage. I think you need to come in for real for a consolation with me because you seem to take out your rage in an unhealthy manner. This time you have to show up.”

I said, “listen. I missed my appointments the first time because I didn’t want to go anymore. You calling me 7 months after is not going to help anymore and a bit odd.”

She said, “you really need to come in, and you still have vivid signs of denial and depression. Also, are you looking for new work? I think it will help changing your environment completely.”

My tone changed and I became a bit irritated and said, “listen!!!! I have actively been looking for work for the past month. Obviously, I don’t want to be here and I can’t quit. I am stuck. You want to know how to help me. FIND ME A JOB!”

She paused a bit for a few seconds.

She then said, “I will make an appointment for you next week. This time show up.”

She then said bye and hung up.

I was so mad! I couldn’t believe her. What the hell is wrong with people? Can’t they leave me the hell alone!

Screw it.. I am not going.

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This is me. A girl named Mona who was a Palestenian refugee who has immigrated to Canada.

Why did I move to Canada?
Long time ago, 60 years today, my family’s home was taken away.

Did I have to come here?
Yes. I had no where else left to go.

Why did this have to happen to me?
I am not the only one. There are thousands of us who were born refugees and traveled the world to find a home.

What do I represent?
I represent my self, a Palestenian with hot blood through my veins and a voice to speak about my existence. I am Palestenian. I will always be one. I was born as one, and will die as one.

It has been 60 years since my home was taken away, isn’t that too much?

I may be one person. I am not a celebrity or someone who is famous and well known. However, I have the right to speak out when I say, “we had enough!”

Please watch all the videos to understand who we are and what happened to us.

I am completely lost. I really am. I don’t feel like my self anymore. I forgot who I am, and what I tried to pursue in life. I keep thinking that no, I want to shape up my destiny. I want to control it, but I can’t. I am just really depressed and very stressed out. It’s not just work, but life in general. I want a change and need a chance so badly and so quickly. I think it is just patience. I lost every ounce of it and it is making me depressed!

Ahh.. I am just going to sleep. I will go to work tomorrow and will say… TGIF! TIGF!!

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