I am suffering from an all time phase of depression. It’s good that I can wake up in the morning and still go to work. In the meantime, my posting will be limited, and it has been for the past week cause I can’t get words out of my mouth anymore. I am just really tired and my head is spinning in a million directions.

In the meantime, read my old posts. See how my life went down, more down, ultimately down, and barely picking up. This blog is a vault of random buried thoughts.

Oh how I long for the day when things completely change in my life.

Isn’t it funny that a person would admit that there is something wrong with them?

Would you admit to the world if something is wrong with you?

The Disruptive Sleeping Patterns

So here it goes. I am a mentally disturbed person, and it is getting worse daily with my lack of sleep. I sleep for about 4 hours a day now. Why? I have no clue. I just wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.

Yesterday night, I woke up at 2 am and I tried to close my eyes again and doze off, then I had a weird feeling that someone is shoving me and I woke up again! I know, I am mentally disturbed. The problem is that I go to work half asleep and the high dosage of caffeine is not helping.

Bitter Thoughts Resulted from People

Isn’t it funny that people spend 100’s of dollars on clothes and purses just to show off? Yet, they were cheap asses and horrible money managers and always ask you for money for gas or food? I wonder how they would feel if someone suggested for them to donate their money to I don’t know, some organization to help children and dying people in Palestine for example.

I am Not a People Person

I don’t like people. Simple as that. But you have to realize that people are the cause of my mentally disturbed thought process. Look at me! Do I write normal? Do I speak normal? Am I typical?

Emailing Back

For those people subscribed to my blog through email must realize that you CANNOT reply back me through those emails. The return sender on those emails are noreply@rebelliousarabgirl.net. I will not answer you back if you reply to them. Come to my site and comment, or send me a question through my contact page. It’s unbelievable the number of people that have replied in the former method and bitch at me for not replying back to them.

Enough ranting for today. Time to make some coffee.

I guess being a blogger taught me a lot about life, especially friendships. You see, I feel that I am better off being friends with all of you, my daily readers, because the people I met in my life and was friends with for a short or even a long time really did not work out.

I don’t have a problem with people, but people have a problem with me and feel that they can use me or get whatever they want out of me, because I am too damn nice and selfless, and then treat me like left over bones. I am the last one on their list.

I don’t want to force anyone to make me one of their priorities in life. I am not selfish at all. I just feel that I am a bit more worth it. I want to feel that someone really appreciates my friendship because of the person I am. I am tired of people taking advantage of me or only think of me as a friend when they need something.

It’s funny the number of people that went after me, pretty much hounded me just so they can ask me for something. It sucks, and that’s the reason I am afraid or just unsure if I can ever trust anyone. However, virtually, through this blog, I feel that some of you people out there are a lot more appreciative of who I am. You are more appreciative and willing to listen to me and converse. I never experienced that before with any of the friends I had in the past.

No one ever wanted to listen to me, and I just kept it inside and stayed quiet. That’s why I am a very quiet person in real life. I try to talk, but I don’t know who to trust and if they are really willing to listen to me. It’s really hard to find a friend to listen to you, and that’s why I feel that all of us are living in the wrong places. Fortunately, this blog brought all of you and I together. So I feel a bit better I guess and not alone.

I know I am late in posting a song that I am enjoying listening to this week, but here it is. This song inspired me, and I really like the lead singer of OneRepublic. He is cute!

“All The Right Moves” by OneRepublic

It sounds weird when I try to push my self. Push my self towards what exactly? I do feel aimless, but why? You see, I guess my life so far has gone up and down so much, and now, since it is steady, I feel it is not changing to any direction. At the same time, I don’t know to what direction I want it to go. I don’ t really know what I want. and that is the cause of my constant aggravation.

Do I want a guy and get married? I don’t know.

Do I want to change my career and find something that will challenge me a lot more? I don’t know.

Do I want to act like I don’t care and just have fake friends around me to satisfy my ego? I don’t know.

You see, at my age, life seems like an enigma. I have no clue what will make me happy, and I have no clue what is causing my utter despair. I just want to find this happy medium that will satisfy me, but I am not easily satisfied. However, I am not that hard to please, but at the same time, I don’t want to settle for anything because I have to or time is ticking.

I am just a mess of thoughts. I know too much. I think too much. People like me are only meant to discover things and make humanity better, and not worry about themselves. The moment I start thinking about this person, me, Mona, then I get huge migraines. The past 3 or 4 days I suffered with huge uncontrollable migraines, because I spent it thinking about me. The moment that I stop and think of the bigger picture and humanity as a whole, then I feel different.

So, I am thinking that I am only meant to worry about everything in this world except me. That will stop my emotional turmoil so I can wake up every morning not dreading it.

Life, it is not like a box of chocolates, but more like sour candy with a crinkly facial expression of weird satisfaction in the end.

Let’s see, I feel like crap. I am having a horrible long weekend, and I assure you, I am not at an all time low. On the contrary, I have been sitting in my office sulking in my chair and dozing off. That’s how much the world means nothing to me anymore. I rather nap instead.

As a result, my head is hurting me a lot. A horrible migraine! I decided that instead of me continuing on this conversation and telling the world that I am a bit, oh how can I say this eloquently, crazy; that it is better for you to tell me what you really think of me.

So what do you really think of me? This Mona. This Rebellious Arab Girl.

Ah.. Rebellious Arab Girl. The worst thing that can happen to the modern Arab civilization.

I have been thinking a lot lately, and I know most of you who are reading this are saying to yourselves, “Oh no, not again! Wait, isn’t that why I am here?”

Interestingly, what I have noticed as a blogger for over four years is that you become your blog. You are it, and it has sucked you in and there is no way out. I have been checking out a lot of famous people’s blogs, and even active bloggers who think that their little voices will make a difference (which it does, kudos to them!). I discovered that they are successful not because of the money they earn, and not because of their voices or messages they are trying to convince others with, but with their perseverance and learning on their own to think about life from all angels, and to take constructive criticism and even ignorant insults.

It’s hard, believe me. It is very hard to maintain a blog. In the beginning, I thought of it as a little ranting area and that’s it, and it will not last long because I have zero patience and short attention span. However, things changed, and people kept wanting more, and even wanted my feedback on issues that were so foreign to me. It helped me stay on track, and build on something that I have created. I started this, and I think of it as one of the highest achievements so far in life. Corny as it sounds, but it is true.

Being a blogger helps you in many ways. It helps you improve your writing skills. It helps you think every day, and come up with new ideas and keep your brain active. It helps you build a community and bring people together on issues that are hardly ever discussed.

Comfort Zone

On those days where I am really depressed, and feel that the world is against me, I turn to this little website for comfort. Someone out there sort of agrees with me, right? Which is better than nothing eh? You guys will not believe the number of times I wanted to shut down this blog, but something sparked inside of me and told me, “Hell no! What are you about to do and why?”

This morning, I had the itch to shut down this blog, and I have more reasons to do so than to keep it. It has nothing to do with my professional life, or me being scared. Surprisingly, last year, while I was looking for work, I thought of it as a road block to why I wasn’t accepted in the professional world, but then I realized, who cares? It’s like people not accepting me for who I am, and I don’t need them in my professional life or being a part of theirs. Then I thought of it some more as a road block for real friendships, and that’s why people don’t like me anymore for who I really am, but again I realized, who cares?

I know a lot of people will start bombarding me with comments and tell me, “Stop saying who cares!! Because you do!” I won’t lie to you and say that I don’t, but I won’t lie to you even more and tell you that I really do. It’s that middle zone that I can’t really explain on this blog, because I don’t know how.

Barriers

I realized that I can’t put a red line between me and others, but at the same time, I cannot let others create this line and choose to jump in and out whenever they please. I feel used. I feel hated and then suddenly loved. I feel that there is something about me that I cannot understand, but others do. I can’t get a grasp on what makes me totally different than others, but at the same time, I don’t understand why they treat me just like any passer by they met in their life.

I am a person with very deep feelings. I suffered a lot growing up, and I keep on suffering because I don’t know what to do. I say what I want to do, but I feel that I am not taking the necessary actions. Is it being scared? Is it too hard? Is it beyond my limits? Maybe it is all those combined, or maybe I just don’t know where to start.

Change

I keep encouraging people to change, and to think outside of the box, but I cannot do that. I am the one that is preaching, but I cannot practice what I preach. Why? I keep asking myself why. It got to the point that people are continuously telling me that they feel sorry for me, and I am the one that needs help. It just makes me feel labeled as only a thinker, and not a thinker with actions, or maybe that’s what I want to believe.

Fortunately, after I re-read this post before publishing, and the hour and a half I spent thinking and writing it out, I realized that there was some action on my part. I did something. I clicked the publish people. I am heard, and someone else will get affected by my words and react to them. I guess I am doing something eh?

I would never speak of any teachers or professors on my blog, because I never had a memorable one to brag out. Also, I never had a teacher that was awful either. So, I never talked about them or had a reason to.

Yesterday, I had a long depressive spell, and all I did was read through my old posts, especially this one from a few days ago. I can’t believe what I have been writing, and I still can’t believe how my life turned out to be. Then all of a sudden, all I could think of is Mrs. Hubbard.

Who the hell is Mrs. Hubbard you ask your self?

Mrs. Hubbard was an almost retiree grade 10 health & life studies teacher in my highschool while I was still living in the US. Why did I remember her all of a sudden? Usually, many people don’t care to remember teachers, but her, she was blunt, old, and she had fun teaching teenagers. She understood them, and even predicted how they will end up being. Strange, but true!

I was very quiet in highschool, did exceptional work, and aced every course. I had no care in the world other than myself, and was very reserved and not so social. I was and still is very introverted. That’s why Mrs. Hubbard told me that one day that I will suffer dearly in my 20s and have a very depressive life. Can you imagine someone telling you that when you were barely 15 years old?

Now, while I am in my last year of my 20’s, I look back at the last 9 years with shock. How the hell did I survive it? How the hell did I end up like this?

I ask myself those questions every day, and I have no answer. All I can do is hope that things will just change and this dry spell will end. You guys think being in your 20’s is fun, and growing old and being in your 30’s or beyond is ancient, then all I can tell you, “you gotta be kidden yourselves!”

I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.

My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.

If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”

Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.

Cause

When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”

I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.

Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.

Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.

You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”

I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?

Time

As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?

I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.

2009

After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”

I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?

As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.

Recovery

I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.

Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.

You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”

This morning, I received an email from Brian Heck’s mother that he passed away on December 30, 2009. He was a daily reader and commentor on my blog. He loved Arabs and Islam. I was even wondering yesterday why Brian has not been on my blog for a while. I never knew it was that reason.

I am still shocked! I went to his Facebook profile and saw the cause of his death, and I am still shocked of why he did it, but sometimes people with depressive symptoms can’t control their emotions, and evil just overrides their judgements. I just received back an answer form his mother and she said:

Brian was struggling with depression associated with a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder.  Brian did not like taking the medication due to the severe side effects. He became very depressed on Dec. 30th and ended his suffering by jumping off of an overpass.  Brian was diagnosed with this about 4 years ago and has struggled to remain focused.  He felt very deeply the pain and suffering in the world and it was a heavy burden for him. His goal in life was to teach English overseas and help people around the world, but he just could not get over his sadness and hurt for the people of the world. All who knew Brian were very shocked as he was a kind and gentle soul that laughed, helped friends and strangers with any need he could assist with. Do read the messages on his memorial page at www.MeM.com.

His mother sent me a link to his obituary. http://www.mem.com/ContentDisplay.aspx?ID=18319452 I am still in shock!

May he rest in peace.

Updated @ 6:30pm

This is the music he made in early 2008 called Rebellious Arab Girl, but I created the video and posted it in my account. So talented.

A few weeks ago, I watched the movie “Wedding Crashers.” It was pretty funny I might say, and it was really inspirational. I think I want to do that too once in a while. I just need someone to act out the part along side of me and I am set! But none of that promiscuous stuff!

I don’t know why I brought this up, but I guess it’s funny how people act sometimes, and leads me to think of something that is way out there! I wonder who’s wedding I want to crash first? Hmm!! I will start with small weddings in late April or even May! Right now I am busy, but I got to plan eh?

Anyways, I don’t know why sometimes I say I won’t do something again, but I end up being all nice and let things slide. As I thought about it some more, I think I do such things for a reason, and that reason being to see how far people will go to avoid telling the truth or mentioning anything slightly important.

I know I have been a total pigment of people’s imagination, and a person that people love to forget, but come on! I am still human. It’s nice for you to tell me some important things sometimes. Maybe I will even tell you congratulations. However, the longer you wait to tell me something, or avoid me completely like I am someone who is on the bottom of your list, then don’t expect me to be nice to you ever again, or even talk to you or bother. (I don’t want to really talk to you again, because I don’t know.. it dragged on too long now and I got tired of waiting to see if you will change your mind.) I may even wish you the worst of luck.

But I won’t do that.. I am not mean or envious. I just don’t give a crap about anyone anymore, because no one would do the same for me.

You are lucky I am nice, but I am way too smart and I know everything. It’s my motto in life; “know as many interesting things that you possibly can.” I don’t know though if some people are interesting at all, but sometimes God just tells me to get up in the middle of the night, and find out the truth without anyone’s help!