Why don’t you try to work 6 or 7 days a week? And for what? The purpose? The rush? There is no rush and no purpose. There is a need to be fast, quick, and always first. But are you? Why develop and be first or try to be if no one really cares and you are just one fish in a pool of 100′s! Why develop a half ass product that is untested just so you can be first. Would anyone want it?

No.

So why be first? Why not be secretive and be better? Wouldn’t that make sense? Innovation is not the best anymore. It’s staying on top and finding a spot in the game.

Things hasn’t changed at work, but got worse. I gave them a chance and I wanted to see where they were heading, but all I can do is just say yes and look for another job. Hopefully God can hear my plea and I can just walk out and move on. I need to find something that will treat me as a person with the skills to do my best and not do a half ass job in order to reach an imaginary goal.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Didn’t I tell you guys this is going to start off as an awful year? I hope God keeps my sanity, because I lost my patience long ago and I am just contemplating if I should go into work anymore or pretend I am sick until I find something better. I hate this city, but what can I do? I am stuck here. I just need to wade it out. I just don’t know for how long I can take this. Don’t know at all.

That’s why I am trying my best to do other certifications, and now I applied for a volunteer position to help out kids in need and manage events and stuff. I still didn’t get the volunteer position, but I am keeping my finger crossed and I really want to do something else in life and sway as much as I can from the IT world.

I will tell you why I decided this. You see, in my previous job, although I came across to others that I didn’t like it, but I really loved what I was doing. There were a lot of ups and downs, but I had a purpose to help humanity with the software I was creating. What am I doing now? What have I been doing for the past two years? Making rich people become richer? Commercial software that has no great human purpose is driving me up the wall.

No wonder I have not been blogging a lot for the past two years. When I kept saying that this job was sucking the life out of me, I wasn’t joking. If I ever stay in this field, it better be for the purpose of helping people; otherwise, what’s the point? I lost touch with who I am. I am not like this. I am Mona. I am nice. I love helping people and doing something that makes someone else smile.

No wonder I wanted to study Biology and become some researcher finding a cure to some detrimental disease or become a doctor. But I didn’t sign up for this.

If my career and life is not based on enhancing the well being of humanity and contributing something in order for people to use and help them live life, then I don’t want it. I realized this too late. Or maybe it was just bottled down inside of me because I was lost in this world I accidentally fell into.

I know I have complained enough in the past. This is why I was complaining. I got sick of it and I cannot get out of it that easily. I have to try other ways. The day I started dreading waking up in the morning to go to work, then I knew I just have to end it soon in any way possible.

Thank God that I am only 30 and want to end this soon, and not live my life with regrets.

Is it a solution or just a million and one different ways that are relatively the same but coming from different angles to approach one problem? Yes, that makes no sense, but nothing in my head makes sense right now.

This is how I perceive life. There are a million and one way to do anything. I cannot for the life of me find the simplest solution to any thought. I just can’t. I think that is why I am always gloomy and depressed, and then suddenly bam! I am happy without a reason.

To continue from yesterday’s post, I am not happy, because I always think what if. What if? What if what? What if this worked? What if this failed? Why this? What that? Why me?

Oh I am such a depressing blog read. Go surf another blog that talks about politics or celebrities. Because I am not popular and I get no one ever emails me, and I am just an Arab and politics is not a problem in my culture.

You can feel the sarcasm eh? Har har.

I am going far away to TV land to watch American Idol and enjoy my evening in one and only one way with eyes glued to the TV screen, and ears open enjoying the melodies.

I will have a little answer question blog post tomorrow. So if you have a dying question to ask me, then message me on Facebook, Twitter, or Email me direct through my blog’s contact page.

With love, from a rebellious exhausted Arab girl.

Every day I keep thinking what happened to me? I was never like this. Did I evolve to become like this? Or is this just a cover up of some sort, because I cannot control it. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I have become this nutty happy person. There is nothing to be happy about by the way. I go to work, come back home, watch TV, do my assignments, and go to sleep. Then the same routine all over again the next day. I have become so robotic and I don’t know how to get out of it. Also, being an Arab and having to endure the cultural and traditions really sets the cherry on the pie!

Moreover, I have met my fair share of people in my life. I don’t think any of them have ever given me a reason to open up and be my self. Now, am I doing that sort of? Am I just doing it because you know what, life is just passing by, and just letting out random unplanned pointless spurs of happiness is all I can do? You try living your life day by day with no major future plans. Nothing really exciting at all to talk about. And just living the moment and pretending it is the best moment of your life!

Is every moment then the best one in your life? I never had a best moment in my life. I never felt I have accomplished anything that characterized it as being one. So being happy is throwing me off. Or is it just being me again where I have no idea why things are the way they are, and I am just way over critical of my self?

I suffered from depression in my early and mid 20′s. So anything I think of that is not characterized as being melancholy or something that is horribly bad is abnormal to me. I hit 30 and I think I hit a fuse at the same time.

Anyways, I will stop blabbering. I don’t know why I am blogging anymore. I am just lost and confused about my self that anything that is odd is really making me question my life.

I mean it, whomever. I am not mad. I have no reason to be mad. I have a reason to be frustrated and a bit irritated at the moment, but I always have my reasons. I don’t want to act like my old self and think of a million different possibilities, but you know what, this is life. I want to be more positive and carefree, but if I pretend to be that way, then I am not my self.

So, if I tell off people to their face, then don’t blame me. Honestly, I am tired of pretending to be nice. What did it ever get me in life? No where that I want to be. So be it. I am going back to my old self. Screw this fakeness and trying to be happy. I am HAPPY and ANGRY! I have double feelings all time and that’s what characterizes me as MOODY!

Gosh! That felt good to come out of my chest. And I didn’t swear or say anything horrible and shocking! See people, this is what we call being a NORMAL person.

Love you all, but beware.

I am not a psychological experiment. So don’t try to analyze me anymore. I am just another girl out there who happens to be Arab, who happens to have a blog, who happens to write mediocre articles, and I … I …

I am expressive, I don’t lie, and I am a bit blunt. Traits of a person who is at the high ladder of being disliked.

So what do I really want to say. You see, the land I came from is in chaos. The exotic land of the middle east which I should be calling my second home is slowly turning to ruins, and what am I supposed to talk about anymore? How great it is that people are standing up for what they believe in, but they are doing it wrong and letting outside forces control their behaviour? And for what?

Also, I am not happy with my life. And the reason I started this blog 5 years ago was because I was not happy at all. Every year it just gets worse but I take it one day at a time. I feel blessed to survive day by day despite all the unwanted distractions, and I try to make the best out of it. It is hard. It is very hard, and you can say I have not cried in a long time, but I think I express it in anger instead.

Anger is not something I am happy about. The majority of the time I cannot control it, and I even regret it. You try being me. It may not seem like the most important thing in the world, and there a lot worse things going on. I should be putting my self in someone else’s shoe, but that doesn’t help but make me feel worse. So why can’t I put my self in someone else’s shoe that will make me feel better?

Like people say, “oh it could get worse?” Why can’t they say, “things will get better and look at this person and that?”

I have not been doing anything on my own or being creative for so many years. I am not doing anything that will make me feel or even appear better. I want to do something with my life that will make me in 20 years look back and say, “Ahh the hard times were merely just my own imagination.”

Really, I just don’t know what to say anymore..

“Is there anyone out there, because it is getting harder and harder to breath.. “

I wanted to know if it is something that we did wrong or is society thinking we are wrong. Because I don’t like to define wrong unless I tried what is right first or vice versa.

So I read several girl’s blogs complaining that people think they only care about their careers or education and think they don’t need a man. Or they look down on men that don’t think their intelligence is important in a marriage, and that’s why they hold on to it and think it is more important than anything else.

I have to disagree with that whole thought process because I was a victim of such accusations, but I never understood the reasoning behind it. When random men email me accusing me of the same thing, then I pause to reflect on such a thought. Do I care more about my career than meeting a guy?

• I knew girls that cared about getting married than anything else in the world.
• I knew girls that are intelligent but cared more about school and work than marriage.
• I knew girls that found equality between both marriage and career but suffered later by neglecting their children.
• I knew girls that got educated, got married and forgot that they are smart enough to be someone and contribute to society in some way.

However, I never met someone that didn’t care about work or a career and are only in it because they don’t know what else to do, and just dream that some day things will just get better.

Some of us girls, no matter how smart we are and educated, don’t really think that life is that great or work is that amazing or we are doing something astonishing. We are just waiting and trying to make the best of something we have and keeps us busy. How long, why, and how we ended up this way is really pointless to discuss.

I just feel this shame that our society puts on unmarried girls is psychologically deteriorating a large and very growing percentage unwed females. I wish society didn’t contribute anymore harm and just let life take its course. It’s hard changing society I know, but no harm in trying.

This morning, after a week of almost daily rain and mountains of snow melting, a huge winter blizzard hit again my home city. It hit in the AM hours, right after the earthquake in Japan. It wasn’t predicted to be this severe, but it just happened. This just shows us that us humans can’t predict very well and we are only guesstimating. In the end it is all in the hands of God. We can only just sit there and watch.

Moreover, The crisis in the middle east and the most evil dictators known in humanity. Who in the world calls him self a leader and kills his people because they don’t want him anymore? What is wrong with this picture? Then a huge natural disaster.. it’s like watching a movie, but you can’t help but realize that it’s not digitally made and this is the real thing and it will only get worse.

Anger.. just anger every where. It makes me weak to my stomach and I just want to curl in my own corner and isolate my self. The world has officially become a horrible scene to witness.

Fortunately, I got out of the whole group thing a long time ago. I do not participate in any. I don’t even advertise my blog anymore. I have not done so in years! I was in many Arab blog group sites in the past, and some contacted me later to join, but I just don’t want to deal with being part of any clan anymore. If I am part of one, I will get people saying, “You are only doing it to get people to come to your blog and your blog sucks!” If I don’t join, people will say, “Why are you not part of one, who do you think you are!”

Honestly, who cares about the above. Who needs groups to get noticed now a days.

Strangely enough, because I don’t advertise and I don’t go around marketing my self in any way or form, I get people saying that I write this way to just get more and more visitors. I ignite fires just to get noticed. So, explain this to me logically so I can make sense of it all, I do nothing at all but write in my private blog whatever the hell comes into my head, and I do not go around advertising just to get noticed, but my writing is the big NO NO!

Hmm. Yah, that makes sense. Hell, last time I checked this friggen site was a blog where I write run on sentences and have several syntax error. I do not use Microsoft Word to type my blog essays or an English editor to make sure everything is perfect before I click on that damn blue Publish button.

You know what I despise about certain people’s personality? I despise fake people. I despise people that are too anal about other people’s words and like to correct them to just prove how articulate they are. Finally, I despise people that think they can come here and freely insult me, and I know for a fact that they are scared shitless to do it to my face in real life.

I rather stay out of every circle, out of any association with certain people, and just be my SELF: a stubborn, egotistical, selfish blogger who only writes crap on her blog without thinking twice who reads it.

There, I got it out of my chest. I can sleep now.

Maybe I should answer this question first.

I am not sure what I want to manage or control around me. Maybe I am not seeing society the way others are, but dislike something that is more than that. Maybe I dislike the way society has effected me as a person. Maybe I let it take over my mental state. I don’t know. I am almost 30 and I wish I was 50 already and figured half of it out at least.

I feel sometimes that I cannot cope with life. Sometimes I feel that I am an outsider that does not belong in the Arab society nor in the Western society. I feel unaccepted from both worlds for reasons that I cannot control. I feel that I have to change who I am based on the situation to fit in. I cannot do that. However, how long do I have to keep living this way?

Should I just set my foot down and 100% commit to one and change everything, or should I just let life run its course and play along?