It is one of those days when I feel that life sucks. It really does. I sometimes want to think that my life is not so bad. Other people have it worse, then I look at some other people’s lives and think that they have it better. They have achieved something in life so far. What have I achieved at my age? Nothing. I feel that I wasted almost all my 20′s. I am aimless.

I am not an evil person, or a person with a bad attitude. Although some stupid people that comment on my site who don’t even know me in person think I am. I am actually the opposite of that. I just take out my anger in this blog and on people I don’t know, that means you. I have too much anger built up inside me from all the crap that I have seen in my life. That’s my problem. I think I experienced the worst of things, and I keep asking my self, “why?”

I try to correct some things, or try new things just so I know that life is not one set path that you take and forever stuck to. I mean, maybe I am unlikable. I am not that pretty or attractive, I don’t have many friends, and not many people talk to me. A lot of people think I am weird, old, and my life is boring. Who can blame them?

I am just tired of all these thoughts. I keep asking myself, “when will my life change?” When will I get out of this lifestyle I am stuck to and start something new and exciting? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I think I was born unlucky, and going to be forever unhappy.

Depressed

I am not going to label my self as weak, or think too much of the past. I honestly don’t like thinking of the past at all. However, I feel like it is always creeping up on me and making me think of other possibilities, in other words the inevitable, “what if?”

You may wonder what I am talking about, and at times I have no idea what I am talking about. I got some people emailing me in the past saying that my site is a perfect study for a psychological in depth analysis of human thought. In other words, vividly expressive.

Am I expressive or just plain talking nonsense? Nonsense is a great term. I learned that nonsense is one of the most important genre of children literature, and that’s why it is so attractive to a young audience. However, my site does not have a genre, or maybe it does and I am just in denial. Maybe I didn’t grow out of this nonsense thought process and I am always living in denial. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I feel I am back to square one. I thought I got rid of all the negativity in my life by quitting everything and removing the past. Quitting my job was the last hurdle in that mess called past life.

Lately, all I have been thinking about is my age. My life. What have I done with my life. I feel everyone is moving on with their life and doing new and exciting things. Unlike me, who decided to quit everything because I got sick of the same continuous lifestyle that I was stuck in. I am in an idle stage right now trying to figure out how to relieve the past trauma that permeated my thought process.

Moreover, people think I have all the free time in the world. Believe me, I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t use any of it because I was brain washed into what society wanted from me. Also, I wonder why people get married. I also wonder how people get married. Maybe I should have gotten married long ago at a young age so my thought process is not skewed by the agony of life. What am I talking about? Me gotten married? Who would want me?

Strangely, I don’t believe in love. I find it absurd, this concept called love. That’s why some of you think I am so negative when I speak of love and relationships on my site. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I have heard about it. I have seen people suffer cause of it. In the end, they either take the route to satisfy their desires, or the route to satisfy those around them in the expense of living a lie.

Maybe I do have a negative view of life. I thought I grew out of it. I tried to get rid of everything that made this view so melancholy, but you can’t change a person over night. I think I need to find a cure to my mental psychological disease. It is taking over my life. I was fine last week. I was fine a month ago, but today, of all days, I feel so down. I want more, but I can’t seem to find a starting point. Is it a starting point that I am really looking for, or a new tangent from an end point?

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts

Financially that is. Yesterday, I checked to see if I will get paid anything for the month of October like I am supposed to, and I will! $750 bucks is what I got for the first week of October. That’s it. No more pay cheques, and I am officially unemployed. It might sound bad, and I agree because the thought struck me with a baseball and made me think, “umm, I am poor now, and I have no steady income.”

I got used to having an income. I had a steady income for 6 years, and I decided to quit my job for various reasons, and the main one was my sanity. You can say that I retained my sanity, and I am a bit more normal now. I am still pissed at many issues in the world, but work drove me insane! Now, I keep thinking of where to get money to sustain my self. Well, I don’t have many bills. However, I do have the female itch of going to the mall every now and then. I don’t really like my parents giving me money, although they loved the idea of me quitting my job because it drove me insane, and my mom didn’t like my constant complaints and white hair.

Fortunately, I have a little bit of income. It’s not much, but it is something. This site. This blog of mine is my only source of income. You may think I am money hungry or trying to make money off writing, which I will not deny it, I am. I make money from the ads you click on, and I also make money writing product reviews. I think of it as really low income, but at least I can say that I am not 100% poor. I am not 100% broke. I am just trying to find a better way to make money without having to listen to the man and get a job. Maybe I just don’t want a boss, and want to be my own boss. Is that wrong?

Maybe someday I will end up getting a new job, but for now, I am trying to find my self. Trying to see what I can do with whatever talents I am meant to have. I wish people will understand that having a job is not everything in life. However, trying to be something in this life and challenging your self to work at it from scratch is a lot more rewarding. Maybe some day I will have a million visitors a month, and a steady blog income. I will hopefully get to write as much as I want whenever I want. Also, one of my ambitions is to write a book or be published for the world to read. You may think that having a blog is good publicity, but I want my name to be known. I think I have this major itch that I need to do something recognizable in this life time and live my life knowing that I didn’t waste my talents.

I wish I had all the drive and energy that I can possibly possess to one day make my dreams come true.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Whatever!

I tried time and time again to limit the peer pressure and the addiction to certain amounts of substances entering my body. I didn’t think that being socially accepted was such turmoil over my heath. Today, of all days, I felt a jack hammer continuously hit the frontal lobe of my brain with no mercy at all.

My brain today suffered, and so did my body. I couldn’t stop the pain in my head, and I spent the majority of the day in bed trying to relax and not think of the pain. Every time I tried to get up, I felt dizzy and my head heavy as a rock and I was about to fall. I didn’t know that the addiction has taken a new toll on my life. I never knew it would come to this.

Yes, you guessed it. I am addicted to coffee. I didn’t have a sip of coffee for about 24 hours, and this is what happened to me. Since it is Ramadan, and I am lazy and forgetful, I forgot to drink my cup of coffee in the morning. Few hours later, around 2 pm, my body lost control, and when it did, my brain kept screaming at me, WHY YOU DIDN’T HAVE YOUR CAFFEINE TODAY! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION!

I stayed in bed till about 6:45 pm. Few minutes before breaking fast, and when I got up, I couldn’t sit down again without feeling I was about to collapse. I kept walking around in the kitchen and living room, and complaining to my mom that my head is about to explode any minute. I wanted to blame someone else other than me for this problem that I engraved in my head.

I despise coffee! It ruined my life!

Now, I am fully awake, but that’s because I drank 2 large mugs of coffee, and I took some Advil400 to get rid of the pain quickly. That’s far too much caffeine and drugs, but what I was supposed to do? It’s either that, or suffer from the pain.

My new objective in life is to stop drinking coffee, and force my brain to function without the need for any stimulants. Amen to that thought! Let’s see how long that will last before I SCREAM from the pain again.

Depressed, Whatever!

Dear Diary,

You are wondering why I am calling you diary although you are a public website for everyone to read. I guess I need to speak to something NOT human and write a few things that I don’t want to directly address someone with since I have been too general and people taking it offensively. You see, lately a lot of people have been emailing me and commenting saying they agree with me or not agree with me. We are back to this white and black view point of things, I guess that is the way people think, which is fine. I don’t want the whole world to agree with me and my way of thinking. I didn’t make this site for someone I don’t know to sway my thinking and making me feel bad about my self or just plain agree with me.

I have been very tired lately with all the constant thinking and I guess I wanted to just talk. However, some people think that is wrong that I do. That I say too many private things. Do I? I barely say anything. I just talk about random life questions, and people think it is private. It’s like people want to silence my thoughts or are amazed of the things I say. I mean, if I don’t talk about life, what am I supposed to talk about? I don’t want to talk about what I did today which is go to work, go home, and sleep. I do other random things, but they are not worth talking about. People don’t care. I don’t care. I read other sites of things that people did and I could care less about it.

I think the problem is that people are not ready to read or hear others speak the truth and to question life. I am not being philosophical. I hate philosophy. It has nothing to do with Arabs or non-Arabs. I have been trying to separate the two, but really, there is no need. At times I wonder why people read my thoughts. What is it about me that grabs people’s interest? I think it is because I say those things that they don’t dare to say. Some think I am dumb for speaking the way I do and I am weak. I don’t think so because they won’t even dare do it because they are scared or afraid “someone” they know will read it. I swear, half the people out there can’t put two thoughts together to make a worthy site. Yet, why am I complaining, I don’t read their sites nor bother reading their comments. I skim through them to make sure they are not offensive, and just approve them. I also get so many emails from people trying to “guide” me.

I swear I read and I am just dumbfounded by what people say. I didn’t stop replying to people because I don’t know what to say. I am just tired of having to argue back at someone’s closed minded opinion of me. I think it is nice that they spend the time writing them, but seriously, why do they bother? I mean, I am a person they don’t know, or do they? Do they know me now? I have been writing online for over 2.5 years now. Does that give anyone the reason to know me? Maybe. I would. If I was reading someone’s daily diary for that long then I would understand them, and relate them. However, some people think that I am trying to represent something beyond the scope of what my site is. That I am taking the name of Arab to something beyond their comprehension. That I am taking the female gender and addressing issues that some don’t question or bother to think of.

Why is that? I keep asking my self why are people so closed minded and will not accept things that are new to them? I don’t agree with them because they took words out of context. They took things out of proportion, and except me to sit down and have a forum of discussion to prove them right. That I am wrong, and they are ultimately right. Do they think my site is supposed to be a democratic forum? That I am a figure head that needs to be either criticized or congratulated based on my speech for the day?

I read and read. At times I think to my self that my site should be a static site with no human interaction and update whenever I receive a whimsical idea. That I should talk about things that interest the masses like music, or movies because reality is too questionable and should never be discussed.

I get so many interesting comments of people criticizing a simple thought and saying, “what about other people who have it worse? Don’t you feel their pain?” I laugh when I read those for the reason that God made humans selfish and only worry about them selves first, and others later. That’s why we are humans. If we all thought about others then there would be no hunger, shelter for everyone, no wars, no class systems, no hypocrisy, no political silent wars, no individuality, etc.

Why am I addressing this issue again and again? There is no need. Humans are afraid of the truth. We all are. We are afraid of trying to address our concerns and be our selves. Why? I don’t know why, but I am not confused because of this. I am confused by bigger issues, and people comment and email me about the stupidest things possible. I questioned things in life that they never thought were questionable.

I know what I did. I am teaching an advanced history class. I don’t just represent useless facts. I question facts. I question human actions that lead to such recorded ever lasting events. That’s what people don’t understand. I think that’s the barrier between me and others.

I wonder what people will think of me now? I don’t care. I never cared, but always wondered how easy it is to hide behind a screen and criticize. I swear I never in my blogging days have ever bothered to go to someone’s site and criticize them. I read many sites, and if I don’t like something, I just ignore and move on. Why should I make someone’s moment of despair any worse? Who am I to do that? What I want to do one day is meet some of those anonymous web people that love to comment on my site and email me. I want to see if they would dare say anything to my face. That would be the day.

I think dear diary that humans are the most interesting people, but I rather talk to you because they don’t want to accept who I am as an individual and make me talk to an inanimate object. See what humans do to one another?

Angry, Blah Blah, Depressed, Funny, Idiots, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!