I wanted to close down my blog.

I have been leaving it alone for too many days that no one is looking out for it. I lost the drive to write anything anymore. I used to be very pro-active in this blogging epidemic. Unfortunately, as days pass, and my melancholy mood keeps taking over my being, anything that I write seems pointless.

I am not writing for you by the way. Yes you the reader. I didn’t make this blog to make you happy. I made this blog for me to talk about issues that affect me. It’s hard to do that when I am constantly bombarded by offensive comments and emails. All I know is, I am not making you read this. I don’t go around advertising my blog. I just write because it is my hobby.

Do you have a hobby? Does this generation have a hobby other than Facebook and SMS?

I like this blog. Every time I try to push my self away from it and think to my self that I need to grow up and stop writing, then something pulls me back.

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Yes, I am talking now to my blog. It is me and my blog and no comments. You want to leave me a note, then email me. No comments.

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My blog. I am suffering now from depression. It has been really bad the past few months. Don’t think it is about work. Work is just an excuse and a facade to cover up what I truly feel. You see, I don’t have a reason to tell the world my real problems. So I make up an excuse for smaller problems to be bigger than they are. I know people are sick of it, I am so sick of it, and the universe is sick of it.

Now, as time keeps wooshing by, I just look at my self in the mirror every morning and pretend to be happy.

It is hard since I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I have a really bad temper. That’s why I stay away from people and don’t like to talk much. I just cannot handle anything anymore that I seclude my self from the rest of the world. It is better believe me.

Also, I am happy being me. I am very satisfied with my self as long as no one bothers me. I don’t want people to ask me why did I said that, why did I do that, blah blah. I don’t want it. I grew out of it. I just grew out of everything. I don’t ask anyone, then they have no reason to ask me.

Fortunately, I sort of feel better today. I found this quote that I sort of like and got me thinking that maybe this is how we all feel.

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”

-Winston Churchill

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

“You must take initiative to keep your job,” I said this week at the prime of my third course out of seven to get my PMP.

It’s funny how our personality changes as we grow older. My personality has changed completely by 180° the past couple of years. I think it has to do with having a job that I am not fond of very much. And having a very boring life that I am not making anymore exciting by the constant complaints.

However, I am fond of one thing though, and it is the ability to make my own decisions and live my life as I please. I think it has to do more with my bad temper and stubbornness to get what I want. I think of various solutions, and I pick the one that I am comfortable with the most. That could either be work wise, friend wise, or life wise. I pick and choose because I have to live with it. No one else!

The one thing that I am not fond about really is love. I don’t think I can put my self in those shoes again. I tried several times. I met and talked to many men that I can potentially have a future with. However, something was always lacking. Maybe it is the acceptance of the way the other thinks. Or maybe it is what they know about life in general.

I found out that many of those guys are very closed in their own worlds. I don’t know why. I have been trying to decipher the code but to no avail.

Or maybe I keep talking to the wrong guys and I can never find this ONE guy. I might as well stop trying. At my age I rather be alone anyways. I work for my self. I do not have to hear nagging or thinking they are uncle Arab and keep pointing out something wrong every two minutes.

Blah..

Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Depressed, Featured, Random Thoughts, They said what?

I have not written in a while, and I have been sporadically writing on this blog for the past year. I think I lost that writing epidemic that hit me a few year ago. As my blog approaches its sixth year, I look back and wonder what was the point?

It is strange that we can express our selves freely to a magnitude of strangers. It is the same as expressing our problems to a doctor, psychologist, or councilor. It is easy for us because we are not judged for being who we are. Why can’t those close to us think the same way?

Now, I do not think of people as strangers or close. They are all the same to me. Whatever they say or think or advice is irrelevant. I want to live my life knowing that I can say whatever I want without any regrets.

So here it goes, “I DO NOT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME! I AM ME. YOU ARE YOU!”

Phew, I got that off my chest. Now to the main point of this post. Honestly, I have not written in a while because I have been so busy doing nothing. (The oxymoronic verse you just read is typical me.) Every day I sit on the computer, I want to write something, but something keeps holding me back.  I rather watch TV, read the news, see what is going on in this small world.

It is must be harder to want to know what is going around us than seclude our selves from the rest of the world. The more I know about the world, the more I fear that I am no longer the original being that I am. The world is no longer what it used to be. Everyone is alike. Everyone has the same thought patterns and same view of life. Will the world progress any further with such a mentality?

I think I need to keep my self secluded from the rest of the world in order to express my self the way I used to, to tell the world they are wrong, but I cannot tell the world they are wrong if I cannot think of the reasons why they are wrong. I think that is the worse type of change in this world ; the lack of solitude to think on our own.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

Life becomes a cloudy journey when you lose your self esteem.

Sometimes I view myself as one with a strong personality and have great confidence and plan of what I want. Lately, that has not been the case. I think I am drastically drowning and I cannot swim. However, how did I reach this erratic mindset?

I am extremely unhappy with my life. I think it has to do with the way things have shaped up. The place where I am now which I didn’t want to be in.  The problem is that I cannot find a solution or a better path I want to go on. I feel that I purposely deviated from the path that I dreamt of. I am lost and confused to what I really want anymore. I think it is that end of 20′s mindset. Where is life taking me?

I need to figure out A, B, C instead of skipping to Z. I think that has been my problem all along. I want to get ahead so quickly in life and feel secure. Yet, I don’t know how or why or when or what I want.

I think brainstorming some ideas would be a good start right now.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts

I know over a year ago I was in a long vacation waiting for that moment of finding the perfect opportunity that pays me a decent living. However, as I look back now, I wish I was still on vacation. Or better yet, I wish I had a job where I can breath for a minute and actually take a lunch break!

Oh yes, I am still employed, and I know most of you hate me for complaining and oh so complaining about this. But you know what, once a person starts complaining about something, then it means there is something majorly wrong with it. That’s the time when you get off your L-Z Boy chair and do something about it.

Therefore, every night for the past 3 or 4 weeks I have been actively searching for a new job. You can say I am in that in between stage were I have too many years of experience for some things that I am proficient in, and not enough for what I really want. It’s hard and painful, but I keep convincing my self that I cannot find any future where I am working now, and it is exhausting me daily and I feel unappreciated for what I am really worth. I need to be strong and move on.

I never felt this way in my previous job. I think my previous job gave me some room to do what I want, and my other talents were appreciated as long as I produced an end result. In this job, I am monitored by the second to make sure I am not breathing!

No wonder less and less people are studying computers. It’s trash jobs!

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!