I cannot find any reason to compare your mentality to mine. I am not going to start a mundane point of view that we are all different, yada yada yada.. That’s not the case at all. I don’t want to even say we are all alike. If we were, then we will still be living under a tree, because no one would have thought to put sticks together and build a small little hut where people can cuddle more in private.

What am I trying to get at? You see, I can say I am sick and tired of some people pointing the negatives that they see in me. It’s enough I have to endure my daily life, but getting so much heat from a bunch of strangers over the net is not my cup of afternoon tea. That’s why I have been a slacker when it comes to writing. Believe me, I sit on this computer every single day, but I cannot put the words together anymore. I think I lost my mojo because of you guys, or I just need a catalyst to flare it back up.

I know I am not interesting. I got nothing really important to say, but you know what, if I start being interesting, then I would be trying too hard to write a proper sentence and checking my spelling. I would be trying too hard to convince you that I am far more interesting than your nose picking co-worker or gossipy friend at school.

The Blame

Lately, I have noticed that some of you are pointing fingers at me. If I start talking about the opposite gender, then you start blaming me. If I start talking about work, then you start blaming me. If I start talking about friends, then you start blaming me. If I start to talk about life, then you tell me to get a life. So, what do you find so interesting about me then that you continue to read this? Are you waiting for “it” to get interesting?

I think you will be waiting too long for that!

Life and its Mysteries

Through out history, people looked at the skies to connect the dots that they saw to make some meaning of it. They thought of people, of animals, etc. Others believed that their bad karma, or being jinxed is because of the way those dots were situated the day before and have caused them bad luck today. I don’t believe that at all. I believe that we create our bad luck with our own hands. Sometimes we just let the bad accumulate because we are too fucking lazy to do anything about it. I am going to admit that I am like that. I am a very quite person, very reserved, obsessed with my privacy, and I don’t like to listen to anyone or bother.

I lost it. I became my worst nightmare.

Faint Knock on the Door

The only time that I let loose and think outside of my little world when I had enough. When the tears in my eyes have dried up. When my facial expressions have become cold and unwelcoming. When I look at others success and happiness, I say, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t even desire to get that anymore?”

I am very slow because I am cold. However, I am not heartless towards others, but I am heartless towards my self. I find someone else’s agony more heart breaking than my own. I put my self last on my list because … because? I don’t know why.

The Written

I write because I have something that I dare to say. When you come here and tell me to suck it up, or it is all my fault, then ask your self this, “What have I done in my life that is anymore interesting than Mona to even write about?”

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

Queen mother brought up a point yesterday while discussing a show on TV that made me think a lot today. She said that young people that suffer from bad relationships in a young age tend to grow up somewhat shy, reserved, and can barely ever go back or find a relationship that they feel comfortable in.

Makes sense. First time I agree with the royal highness, my mother!

Yesterday, I told a co-worker of mine about my story. You know, the one that I spent years in that resulted in a huge fight, stubbornness, and him going off to marry any girl for the sake of forgetting me. Honestly, if I did that as a girl, I would be viewed as low and uncaring. Yet, if a guy does it, it seems that he is very weak and needs to move on in order to survive one more day.

It’s an Arab emotional thing and gender bias!

On mentioning emotions, I believe that many Arabs always feel that they are the victims, emotionally devastated regarding anything – small or big, and get depressed ever so quickly!

In my case, I felt all the above, but what is the result? Pure bitterness!

Yes, I am very bitter towards Arab men. I am very bitter when going to weddings. I am very bitter when I see two lovey-dovey people together. I am just a very bitter person. But what else can I do? There is also that whole other part of my life that I need to deal with. Sometimes I think that I am really happy being alone, and I wonder why my mind keeps this bitter view regarding relationships, love, etc.

How did my mind end up like this? How long will it stay? Will I get over this Arab over emotional and bitter view of life, or will I one day settle down and find stability in life?

Too much to think about, but you know what? I didn’t think my life was going to be like this 5 years ago, and I think in 5 years, I cannot expect my view point of life to be anymore bitter.

Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I am disappointed that Brazil lost.

I am no longer going to watch the world cup. I will go back to the same old routine of blogging a bit more often and answering people.

So how is everyone doing? Good I hope! I am same old same old. Nothing new or exciting. My brother is here now, and we will go to Toronto on Sunday to pick up his wife and daughter from the airport. They were in Lebanon for the month. So yaaay!! A CHILD in the house!!

Hair sticking out form the fear!

Also, now I am wearing contacts. The pain and struggle to put those suckers in. On my right eye it takes a second, but on my left eye, dear Lord the struggle. So after days of struggling. I figured out that to put the contact in my left eye, I have to use my left hand. And to put the contact in my right eye, I have to use my right hand. Why wasn’t there a manual for these stupid things!

By the way, I can see better and I don’t need to spell check!! However, grammar will always be a struggle for me. You know, being an immigrant and all. “Me no speak English.. !” 

So that’s is the 411 on my life so far. I am almost done my course. 2 down, 5 more to go and I will be get my PMP. Maybe then I will reach higher ranks in life!!

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

When days are crappy, and life is treating me badly, I turn to you.

I miss this blog. I miss the days that I spent writing once or twice a day, even 3 times a day my opinions about life. I miss the 3 or 4 am blog posts of ill thought posts that I found no regret in writing. I miss the days when I was bombarded with comments of people insulting me and telling me I am wrong. I miss the days when I receive emails from horny men providing me with their international numbers to call, but I never in my life have dialed out of the country.

I miss the days when I received stories from readers wanting my opinion or guidance with their problems. I miss the days that people sent me hate mail condemning me to the pits of hell for having such a “literally truthful” blog for the whole entire world to read.

The past few months have constrained my habitual writing. I feel that I am suffocating internally but I don’t know how to get it out. Is there really anything to discuss? I don’t know where to even begin. If I start writing how I feel, I will get the pessimistic readers telling me to shut up, and the optimistic readers telling me that life will be ok. Yet, will that help me?

I suffer from depression. I am not going to ever deny that. I take it lightly or I try to find ways around it. You can say I am an expert of putting that amazing big smile on my face, which I call the ultimate form of denial or facade, and just move on. That’s how I lived my entire life.

Now, as I am aging gracefully, I found out that everything that I have been thinking about in the past, and the bumpy life journey that I have been riding, is not worth the headache. The headache is caused by my uncontrollable drive to wanting more. And I know some of you will argue back, because some did in the past with me, saying that I should not bother and even have such a drive in life and just go with the flow. I call these people followers by the way and their entire life span amounts to nothing.

Anyways, I need to stop being mean, which I am. I am pretty selfish and careless and just put all my energy to focus. Focus is a big problem for me since my brain is all over the place all the time. So, I need to go back and focus on the main things in my life. Try to achieve the goals that I have set for my self, and stop caring about people.

People are the root of all problems, and vulnerable people like me get sucked into it faster than the speeding bullet.

By the way, for those people that have messaged me on Facebook and emailed me asking about my whereabouts, I know deep in your heart that you cannot sleep at night knowing I have not written anything for the day. Oh you, I wish we all lived in blog land, make our own beautiful world and live in peace.

P.S. Majority of Arabs piss me off. I just had to through that in it.

Confused, Depressed, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” -Gloria Steinmen

I can’t spend a lot of time writing. I am trying my best to not sit on the computer too much and relax my eyes. It’s enough i spend over 8 hours a day staring at this thing.

As for the quote I posted above, I need a booster in life. Some of you have noticed my comments on Twitter that I have been sick. However, my sickness is not physical. You can say depression is hitting me hard again.

Maybe tomorrow or so I can discuss how I think my life is. I think unhappiness is resulting in utter depression, and I am not taking it lightly like I used to or try to by writing or finding someone to talk to.

I don’t have anyone to talk to, and that could be another problem.

Oh well, Saturday afternoons need to be spend outside driving around.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts