Depressed, My taste of Music

A lot of people have been asking me why I have been so cranky and overly depressed lately. Nothing that a hammer and a few sharp nails won’t cure, but seriously people, my life cannot get any worse. It surely can’t, and I didn’t want to discuss this issue, but when things are already as worse as possible, then you can’t help but discuss them. Maybe I should start off by discussing the past, to understand my utter frustration with my current life. Especially at my age where I feel that I had enough. I am tired of feeling obligated to carry on too much weight.

Around 7 years ago, I was forced to stay at this temporary job that I had. No one in my house worked at all. My father unemployed, my brother was receiving student loans (he was working on his second degree), and I was denied student loans that semester before my temp job. At one point, I felt bad asking money from my brother. The reason he gave me some money because my dad made him. Yah, great. So that summer, I took on this job to kill time, earn some cash, and not sit at home. The job was hourly, and after being a temp, I was hired on as part of the “team.”

That’s when things got really ugly. After working for a year at a very low wage, I was forced to use up that money to feed my family. It is kind of sad, but thinking about it, it was probably the reason I gained weight. Depression leads to eating, and that leads to not caring about other things in life. So I spent it working and eating. In the meantime, I was also giving money to the ass hole ex because he didn’t know the meaning of money. And boys like their toys and spending money on anything that they can show off with. Like cars, and gadgets. Long story short, I demanded my money back after I got sick of him. His family didn’t like me either because I was not a tooth pick, and was not white skinned. Arabs love to show off how great they are with an amazing history, but when it comes to something serious, like marriage, they want a girl who is white as snow, skinny as a tooth pick, with light eyes and light hair. Typical stupid Arabs.

So, things got better around 3 years ago. Father was employed, my brother was semi employed (part time), and I just worked and worked and no one gave a shit about how I felt or wanted from life. I blame my self for that, because I am not very expressive when it comes to telling people how I feel, especially to my parents. Telling them how I feel about anything is something I have to plan out in my head and make up some scenarios weeks ahead. By the time I try to implement my plan, my will power would have vanished, and I am back to point zero.

Around January of this year, the economy got a lot worse, especially for the US manufacturing companies. That’s who my dad works for, in other words, he does some high end custom business software for them. So, I spent it over panicking and trying to get a job just so I don’t feel bad, and the money situation at home would stay high. We would maintain our status as a middle class income family. My brother by that point was gone. He left last September out West where he got a nice ass job, and he has his own family to worry about. Yet, he still till this day complains about money and rent. I am like fuck. That’s why I don’t talk to him much, because all he does is whine and complain. It was not enough that dad bought him all the furniture that he owns now, and paid for 3/4 of his current car. No, he just complains and complains because he never felt that much responsibility. He is the oldest and most spoiled. He is the favorite because he is the only boy.

So, around the end of March, my father’s job was definitely in jeopardy. The manufacturing companies that his contracting company did most of their work were closing down. So they no longer needed my dad’s contracting services. My dad works from home for them, and he was pretty much finishing off lose ends. That was his job for about a month.

3 weeks ago, my dad’s contracting services were no longer needed, because the manufacturing companies were completely closed down. However, this time my dad saved up some money in US dollars. How long will it last? Maybe a year or so. My dad is not old enough, not even close to 60 yet, to be eligible for retirement. And me, well, about a month ago I gave up looking for work because I didn’t know why I was looking for work. Now that I think about it even more, why should I work? Why should I be the only one that feels obligated to work and pay an entire family’s bills. I just keep feeling that I will be stuck like this forever. I will never have the courage or care to say that I want to just have my own life. I just feel guilty to try to find my own.

Now, after all these years of working and just seeing money in my account that I couldn’t touch because who knew what will happen, is making me wish I had none. I wish I had no money. I wish I was not educated. I wish I was in a position that I didn’t feel that someone else needed me or think of needing me. I feel bad. I feel so bad when I know someone has no money or they are stuck in a rut. Maybe I just have this extremely good heart that I cannot find a way to tell my inner conscience to be selfish and stop giving shit about everyone else, and go find my own life.

I don’t know how, but it is a reason that I keep thinking about just getting married and go finding my own life. Or go win the lottery or something and buy my self an island with high speed internet. However, I don’t have the will power anymore to figure out what I want from life. I am just living it day by day. Barely spending any money. I barely have any bills, I don’t have a car, and I guess I always felt guilty or horribly wrong to buy one. That’s called selfish in my little messed up world. Yet, I keep asking my self, why did I work? What was the point to continue on and on for all these years instead of focusing on my self?

Also, no one has ever gotten me anything. I was never given a car or money for a car. I was never given money to buy my self a vacation or thought it was ok to spend my money on some extravagant self luxury. I just kept feeling that no one cared about me. She has a job, she can do it on her own. That’s when I felt that I don’t want to work anymore. Why should I? Why bother? Who cares. If I worked or not, I will always live my life like I can’t do anything.

This guilt thing is what is killing me. However, I am trying day and day to tell it to shut up. Just earn my money off this blog, enjoy my time doing nothing, or experimenting with some stuff that I like to do, technology wise. I don’t give a shit anymore about anyone or anything. I don’t even talk to other people. They give me a headache. I don’t want to hear their stories, or how they are enjoying their lives and their lives are moving along and new things are always happening to them. Also, I don’t even eat much anymore. I lost over 20 pounds that past 2 months, and I want to do nothing more than watch TV shows, and walk to the mall and buy my self a chocolate chip cookie and a cup of coffee.

I am trying to keep my self as low maintenance as possible. I told my mom, I got money in the bank. When you guys start needing it, it is there. It will be enough for a year or so. Because I surely don’t need it, and getting a decent job now a days is like winning the lottery, it’s all about luck. My mom works though from home, she fixes clothes and stuff. So she earns that extra cash to buy miscellaneous stuff. I never ask for money. I don’t need it. All I need is peace of mind and stop feeling guilty and obligated to please the entire world. My mom even told me that I am so polite, quiet, and a very good person, but people like me don’t survive in this world. I agree with her, because the way I am now is making me go down hill. Maybe it was all planned out from the beginning to end like this. My rainy day has come, and waiting for a shiny bright day now, is like waiting for ice to form in 20 Celsius degree weather. No way in hell.

Am I pessimistic or what? Is my life great or what? Yah, sucks to be me, but that’s my life. I have every single reason to complain about it. And I will from today till the day God feels that my life should change. I am tired of stressing about it. It’s not worth it anymore. Not at all.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

Again, I don’t want to get into politics, nationalism, or anything of that nature. However, someone the other day has decided to insult my view points about some stupid entertainment topic in a strictly Arabic forum, by saying that the reason I like this person or dislike that person because I am a fucking Palestinian bitch.

You see, I would rather have people insult me for being me. I could be stupid. I could be a fucking bitch. I can be anything. However, sticking in Palestinian is really uncalled for. Many of you will go on and say the following:

1. They were probably not Arabs, but Israelis or whatever who are against Palestinian. (Obviously everyone’s stupid answer because they don’t want to admit that there are shitty Arabs out there that come from closed minded nations with no respect to anyone. They think they are the only Arabs. And I am blowing this out of proportion. HELLO! This is not the first time this happened. Maybe 121093819238 time!)

2. They were probably joking. (Sure they are joking. When you insult me, my entire nation, and others who are of Palestinian decent that read it on a huge public forum, then it must be joking.)

3. How did they know you are Palestinian? (Few weeks ago I said I was a Palestinian living in Canada, because someone has asked me. That was weeks ago! People follow my every word waiting to turn it against me. Can you imagine if they found out about my blog?)

So, I have been really pissed off lately. Many of you will say ignore, who cares. But you see, it hurts. It seems like a continuous trend and makes me feel so sad that such things will never end. Instead of sticking together as Arabs, nationalism separates us.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to write for two days, because I didn’t know if I was shocked or disappointed from my fellow Arabs. At times I wonder why they would stoop that low, and is it really a problem between Arab nations that they can’t get along. If the internet, a global village with every single type of personality and mind set out there, is showing a fraction of this much hatred, then how are the people within the nation thinking?

It baffles me that I see such idiotic reactions. Most of the people that insult me on my blog are Arabs, because they can’t stand it that I am saying something that should not be said or no girl should dare say, but come on! Do Arabs have to stoop that low and insult each other in such a lame way? I also go on YouTube and watch Arabic clips, and like I said days ago, thank God I can still read Arabic, but on such large websites, Arabs have zero respect to one another. They curse, insult, make someone seem like a tiny spec of dirt under someone’s shoe, but why? Because instead of saying, oh I don’t like this person, or I don’t think it is good enough, or just plain ignore, they start insulting them from top to bottom. Like this person was Satan on earth, and should be ridiculed for everything he/she is worth.

When will Arabs change? Many Arabs are infesting the internet with such mentality, and making our cultural values that they continue to boast about seem like nothing at all anymore, and just a lie. And I get people saying, oh, you are making Arabs look bad with what you write on your blog. ME??? I make Arabs look bad because of a stupid title such as Rebellious? You think the word Rebellious is putting Arabs down? You Arabs are putting ME down when insulting me for something I am born with. You are insulting me because I am a female who has an opinion. You are insulting me because I dared say something that you could not stand, the TRUTH! So what do you end up doing? Yep, you know. If you can’t beat them, insult them from head to toe. That’s the Arab philosophy.

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Palestine, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

Oh yah, it’s one of those job hunting posts again. Don’t worry, this maybe my last one. And no, I did not find work. And yes, I stopped looking for work. You want to know why?

[source]

Well, back in the day, I thought that maybe with my years of experience I would start looking for a more advanced position. Maybe someone out there will respect that fact. However, that didn’t work at all. Understandable, because I spent over 6 years doing nothing that is worth it to companies out there who need real programmers, and real IT experience. Sucks to be me. I know. However, it is more embarrassing when I don’t have the guts to lie or make up some crap of great things that I have done in the past. You try sitting in an interview and try to discuss pretty much nothing worth discussing.

Then, I decided to look for jobs that are beneath me, and ended up wanting to commit suicide that I even went to such interviews.

Last, which is the turning point of my entire life and realization that looking for work is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Impossible or just pure damn luck. You got the eyes to look for that needle. You got the patience to look for that needle. You got everything you can possibly need to look for that needle. But can you find it? Which is my life right now.

About 3 weeks ago, I went to one of the final interviews that I wanted to sit through. The job was an exact replica of the previous job that I had. It was in the same location almost of the same job that I had. It was the same environment as the same job I had. It was a job that I said to my self, “if I don’t get this, then I doubt I will get any other job, and I will stop trying.”

Now, 3 weeks later, I am hoping to God that they didn’t bother to call or email me because they didn’t have enough of an excuse valid enough to not want me. Or maybe I missed a call? Or an email was accidentally been filtered to garbage? You know, the odds are more likely that that would happen than someone saying, “you got all the skills, you did the same exact job for 6 years, but … ??”

For the past week, companies email or call, and before I answer them, I look back at the stupid job posting first. Because I am like any other frustrated person, I apply to almost everything, hoping that someone will bother to look at my resume. However, what I have been doing is emailing back saying, “if you read my resume, I have 6 years of experience, the salary is ridiculous and almost minimum wage. You are emphasizing you want a main skill that I do not have, but MAYBE will consider this and that skill. So why are you bothering wasting my time?” Yes, I am rude, and I have been rude to them. They deserve it because they are not only wasting my time, but they waste everyone’s time by doing this. I AM NOT A TOY you can play with! And yes, I am a girl and can fucking program. Is that hard to believe? I swear to God, if this has been all about gender, then I am quitting computers. I might go back to school and study psychology or sociology and get a PhD in them, and do what I do best, analyze people’s horrible personalities and messed up thoughts!

You can tell I am frustrated. You can tell I am about to shoot my self. You can tell I want to curse the day that I bothered to go into this shitty career path. You can tell I want to curse the day that I thought that maybe someone will hire me because I actually know what I am doing, and I got the exact skills they need. No more. No less.

However, and I emphasize, HOWEVER, it is all luck. Someone the other day on my blog told me that finding a job now a days is just luck. Pure and simple luck. Do I believe in luck? I never used to. I never one day thought that I have lived my life so far, and went through so many wild and crazy times because it was just luck. I believed that I built my own path. I chose and walked that path. It was not luck.

Unfortunately, the tides have turned, my thought process have been skewed, and I believe that maybe all along it was all luck. Maybe I have to wait for my luck. It’s like waiting to see if I will win the lottery. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

So why did I give up then if I think it is all luck? Well, because I got tired of dressing up. I got tired of playing the part of a perfect candidate. I got tired of repeating the same old stories of what I used to do, and pretend I was awesome and did great valuable things like no other. I just got tired, and I lost all that fire and energy inside me to go through it anymore.

I honestly don’t know what to do with my life. Financially, I am secure. My money in stocks, saving bonds, accumulating monthly interests, and my blog is earning me money to go buy a new shirt or two every month.

I am just missing that person or people that tell me every now and then that I am doing a good job. For someone to praise me for giving it my all. Maybe I just miss being useful and doing something. I just miss having something to do other than this and watching TV. However, the only reason I am totally not crazy right now, and not 100% at the edge, is due to the fact that I think there is more to life than this. I still didn’t find it. I still don’t know what it is. And I don’t think it is time for it yet. I just have to wait, wait, wait, and wait.

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Idiots, Ranting as usual!

Spring where art thou?
Here in Canada, we utterly miss thou

From your coldest friend
The Rebel with the most hot blooded head

I decided to sing this song because I am freezing to death here. Also, I forgot how it feels to be warm or even hot and sweaty. Although it is spring now, it feels like mid January.

I wonder how it feels right now in a nice warm climate surrounded by palm trees. The sun shining, the birds tweeting, and me relaxing by the beach. I seriously need to move to an island. I am sick of THE COLD WEATHER! It makes me cranky and bitchy, and it is enough I am naturally like that. I don’t need anymore of it! I am a hot blooded Arab. I need to live in a hot environment! Do you see giraffes, camels, and lemurs living in snow countries? NO!

This is where I imagine my self to be right now

[source]

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Whatever!