Sometimes I wish that I can start all over. I want to go back in that moment in time and change my life’s direction. Have you ever felt that? I know you have.

I keep saying that I don’t regret anything in my life. I live life with the philosophy that things happened and time to move on. However, it’s that feeling that maybe we missed something. Something happened and it shouldn’t have, and I could have controlled it. I wish I didn’t have that feeling, because I keep thinking it is not regret, but the big “if.”

I know I should be a bit more rational and realistic sometimes. I am known to be realistic, to the point and very blunt. But sometimes, my head is way out there. My imagination and feelings are far from reality. I think that’s the problem. I think that’s why I keep thinking that I missed something in the past that could have made my life different. I think that’s the weak point in one’s life where the unrealistic imaginative thoughts and actions cloud reality.

We have to be happy with what we have now and how things shaped up. However, that feeling of unsureness that pops out of no where makes you start questioning things that you should have long ago. So why now?

Is it that dim shadow of loneliness or that fear that things might get worse outlook? Is the future shaped on the past or can it be controlled and changed in direction when we want it to? I am not sure anymore. I learned to just accept things and live day by day, but when will I stop reiterating the phrase, “could have, should have, but didn’t” in my head?

Is this my way of admitting regret?

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts

I will get straight to the point regarding my last post. I didn’t want to reply to people’s comments, and just read people’s opinions and try to come up with a clear answer. Many of you don’t know the real story, although I wrote about it on my blog in explicit detail around December 30th of last year, but I removed that post because of several rebuff remarks from the crowd. I won’t get into anymore details. However, several of you wrote that I should go to the wedding and appear as the stronger person, blah blah, but you guys missed the point. The point is, I am tired of being someone’s after thought.

You try living your life as the last person someone thinks of. Or a person that is only remembered by others once in a blue moon. How would you feel then? Believe me, I am not to blame at all. I try my best to stay in contact with people and stay their friend, but sometimes it is out of my power.

My personality is very different than 99% of the people out there. I don’t like to be someone’s shoe. I don’t like to follow anyone or try too hard to be someone’s friend. That is another problem why I am still single, but let’s leave that for another post. As for friendships, I suffered enough in the past. I suffered so much from people that only remember me when they needed something, or they remembered me when thought of everyone else first.

About 8 or 9 years ago, I knew this girl that was getting married, and I hung out with her and that particular crowd for over 2 years. She got engaged and never told me, but everyone else knew. She was getting married, I was never invited, but everyone else was. I didn’t care because back then I never thought that I had any close friends. I was still discovering and learning about people, and I seemed distant from others.

Three days before her wedding, she tried calling me to invite me because someone else I knew told her to. She tried calling a day before the wedding, but I refused to answer. I didn’t want to be this person that was only thought of because someone told them.

Same goes for life, I don’t want to be the last anymore. I am always last in people’s list when it comes to their happy events in life. However, when things go bad and they need something, they always come to me. Why me?

This is what I have been suffering from for years. People think I can solve any problem because I think logically of a good solution, but that’s it. No one asks me for anything else. People view me as this gloomy distant person who knows how to solve problems, but does not know how to be happy or enjoy happiness. You try living your life knowing that this is how people view you. Even though I believe that I am not like this, but how can I make people understand the real me?

I may not live a happy life or a life that people view as happy, but it does not mean I don’t know how to enjoy happiness or be happy. That’s why I refuse to go to a wedding with such an afterthought invitation. Should I go to make her happy? But what about me? Will that make me in any way happy?

I may appear stubborn or so irrational or should forgive and forget, but sometimes one’s dignity and inner happiness is a lot more important. I believe that my past needs be closed so I can start a new chapter. My past always haunted me and I kept dwelling over it till I ended up like this. It is about time I changed and forgot everything in order to move on. I can’t move on if I keep the past in my mind. I am not ignoring it, but forgetting it.

I don’t know what happiness really means or what will make me happy, but I know what will make me sad. Maybe some day I will be happy or find the happiness that I have been dreaming of in the back of my head since I was little. Until then, I will live life knowing I have a goal. My goal is to find happiness. If not, I will at least die trying.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I am suffering from an all time phase of depression. It’s good that I can wake up in the morning and still go to work. In the meantime, my posting will be limited, and it has been for the past week cause I can’t get words out of my mouth anymore. I am just really tired and my head is spinning in a million directions.

In the meantime, read my old posts. See how my life went down, more down, ultimately down, and barely picking up. This blog is a vault of random buried thoughts.

Oh how I long for the day when things completely change in my life.

Depressed, Random Thoughts

Isn’t it funny that a person would admit that there is something wrong with them?

Would you admit to the world if something is wrong with you?

The Disruptive Sleeping Patterns

So here it goes. I am a mentally disturbed person, and it is getting worse daily with my lack of sleep. I sleep for about 4 hours a day now. Why? I have no clue. I just wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.

Yesterday night, I woke up at 2 am and I tried to close my eyes again and doze off, then I had a weird feeling that someone is shoving me and I woke up again! I know, I am mentally disturbed. The problem is that I go to work half asleep and the high dosage of caffeine is not helping.

Bitter Thoughts Resulted from People

Isn’t it funny that people spend 100′s of dollars on clothes and purses just to show off? Yet, they were cheap asses and horrible money managers and always ask you for money for gas or food? I wonder how they would feel if someone suggested for them to donate their money to I don’t know, some organization to help children and dying people in Palestine for example.

I am Not a People Person

I don’t like people. Simple as that. But you have to realize that people are the cause of my mentally disturbed thought process. Look at me! Do I write normal? Do I speak normal? Am I typical?

Emailing Back

For those people subscribed to my blog through email must realize that you CANNOT reply back me through those emails. The return sender on those emails are noreply@rebelliousarabgirl.net. I will not answer you back if you reply to them. Come to my site and comment, or send me a question through my contact page. It’s unbelievable the number of people that have replied in the former method and bitch at me for not replying back to them.

Enough ranting for today. Time to make some coffee.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Idiots, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

I guess being a blogger taught me a lot about life, especially friendships. You see, I feel that I am better off being friends with all of you, my daily readers, because the people I met in my life and was friends with for a short or even a long time really did not work out.

I don’t have a problem with people, but people have a problem with me and feel that they can use me or get whatever they want out of me, because I am too damn nice and selfless, and then treat me like left over bones. I am the last one on their list.

I don’t want to force anyone to make me one of their priorities in life. I am not selfish at all. I just feel that I am a bit more worth it. I want to feel that someone really appreciates my friendship because of the person I am. I am tired of people taking advantage of me or only think of me as a friend when they need something.

It’s funny the number of people that went after me, pretty much hounded me just so they can ask me for something. It sucks, and that’s the reason I am afraid or just unsure if I can ever trust anyone. However, virtually, through this blog, I feel that some of you people out there are a lot more appreciative of who I am. You are more appreciative and willing to listen to me and converse. I never experienced that before with any of the friends I had in the past.

No one ever wanted to listen to me, and I just kept it inside and stayed quiet. That’s why I am a very quiet person in real life. I try to talk, but I don’t know who to trust and if they are really willing to listen to me. It’s really hard to find a friend to listen to you, and that’s why I feel that all of us are living in the wrong places. Fortunately, this blog brought all of you and I together. So I feel a bit better I guess and not alone.

I know I am late in posting a song that I am enjoying listening to this week, but here it is. This song inspired me, and I really like the lead singer of OneRepublic. He is cute!

“All The Right Moves” by OneRepublic

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, My taste of Music, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!