I knew a girl from high school that used to sit next to me in most of my classes. She is Arabic, and a very nice girl from a well known family here. To me she was normal, well raised, nothing wrong with her, and she was born here.

A couple of days ago, my mother told me that her mother got sick and now has diabetes and heart problems because of her daughter. Because of what happened. Then my mom said, “did you know she was your age, but born in September.” I said, “yes mother, she sat next to me in high school and went to University with me. Not everyone in this world who is not married yet is 5 to 10 years younger than me!”

My mom then said, “well her mother has been asking me if you go out, see people, go to weddings and engagements, have friends, or just sit at home and don’t talk to anyone like her daughter.” I said, “aha.. and what now. You have someone to share stories with who have the same problems as you.. older daughters that are not married?”

The girl now is thin as a tooth pick, very anti-social, smokes 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and refuses to talk to anyone, not even the friends she grew up with and known since elementary school. At times I feel bad for her, and maybe deep down inside I feel her pain. I understand her pain. Yet, her story is a lot different.

About 7 years ago, her brothers beat up the guy she was in love with in the middle of the street. Her brothers thought he was playing with their sister. They didn’t know that she loved him and they were waiting to finish university to make it official. Well, her backwards brothers, that are born here, beat the living crap out the guy.

She quit talking to her brothers, and her parents kept going to the guy’s house and apologizing. They even wanted him to marry their daughter and that her brothers were just crazy and didn’t know. However, the guy’s pride didn’t allow him, and he refused. Till this day, the girl just goes to work, and back home. Doesn’t talk to anyone. Doesn’t go out. Just sits in the basement, watches TV and doesn’t talk to anyone.

Every time I hear her story, or remember it, I feel bad for her. I want to go over there and tell her, you are not the only one. It wasn’t your fault, but was he really worth it to stop life for him? Maybe he was. Who knew. I don’t know the girl personally, or was ever friends for her, but every time I remember her, I feel pain inside my chest. I feel that some of us were cursed. Life cursed us to feel this utter permanent pain.

You know, I have been complaining all along that I am 28, and no one likes me or wants to talk to me. Wrong. I just lie to my self and live in denial. I am the one that chose that path. Every time I talk to someone new and try to get to know him, I just ran away. I can’t for the life of me trust another guy or think of love again. Every time that I do, I run away. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I feel better this way. I avoid heart breaks before they come.

I know that not all guys are the same. I know and I heard that story a million times. But every time I try, I tell my self that there is no need to risk it. Don’t take risks again Mona. Don’t do it ever again. Because if it happens again, the result is not a heart break, but a heart attack!

I think Valentines day is around the corner. That’s why I am like this. I call it the day of mourning.. Not the day of shitty love. Love? What’s love? Once you fall a victim to it, you are screwed for life. You may end up like me! Who is crazy enough to be like me?

Confused, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I spend my time sitting next to my bedroom’s window, and looking outside at the sky.

The last time I went outside of the house was Monday. Yes, a week ago almost. I have been sitting at home in my PJ’s for the past 7 days. I don’t have the ability to even go outside. I just don’t want to look at people. I don’t want to see anyone.

When I did walk outside, I saw people around me walking with someone, talking on the phone, walking in groups, or holding someone’s hand. Now, I ask, why me? Why am I always alone? I can’t even talk to anyone anymore. I feel like no one wants to talk to me, or even asks about me.

I think at times that it really is my fault. I am the one that doesn’t call, email, or ask how you are doing. It’s my fault. I was always the one that did that and I guess people got used to it. But at times I think to my self, why doesn’t anyone do the same? Why don’t people ask about me? Why am I always the one initiating every step? Why do I feel that I have to work so hard to just talk to someone?

Then, I tell my self that it is my fault. It really is my fault. I am the one that is not happy with my life, and I don’t have the ability to look at someone or talk to anyone anymore. I even got tired of writing on this blog. People out there don’t understand me. They judge my entire life from a post that they land on from Google, and they think they can miraculously solve my problems. No one can solve my problems, because I don’t even know what they really are.

All I know know, lately, it has become hard to wake up in the morning aimless, and have no idea what to do with my life. No one out there wants me. I can’t find work, I can’t find someone to like me, I just can’t find anyone that even cares to ask how am I doing. When people hear my story or just read what I just wrote, then I am sure deep in their heads they think I am a failure. A total failure. Maybe I am. I really am.

I may sound weak, and so unlike my self. But I am tired. I really am. I can’t even cry anymore. My tears dried up long ago.

When I see the grey hair on my forehead, I look at the rest of my face and ask my self, did I really waste my life? Did I really waste my young life? I want to convince my self that I am like everyone else. I am a girl who just wants a chance in life. To do something. To be someone. To be liked by people. To be loved by someone. However, I can’t. I can’t even think there is a chance that it may happen. I don’t have any dreams anymore.

Now I know I will get many emails, comments, or someone message using whatever technological way of communication there is to tell me that they want to help. Or that they have amazing advice that they want to share. I am tired of reading everyone’s advice and stories. Most of you tell me the same thing. Most of you give me either the conservative view from an Arabic perspective, or give me advice from the open minded highly liberal life view that everyone should be living. Why can’t someone think of the middle ground? Why can’t I find someone that actually understands what I am saying? I am just looking for the simple things. I swear to God I am really a simple person.

However, lately, I just feel that I am but a simple person with blank dreams that I can’t fill.

Depressed, Random Thoughts

I wonder how it feels to talk to someone. Like really talk to someone and them listening to you. I don’t think anyone has ever done that for me before..

Depressed, Sleepy Post

That’s all we want. The rest of the world just wants it to stop. Please stop the bloodshed!

I can’t even watch the news, Israel is now doing a ground attack in Gaza. It’s a horrible horror movie taking place and the world watches. I go on Twitter, and I get attacked by the most ignorant people justifying the killing. Seriously, we don’t want anything but it to stop. Why you guys doing this? Why kill women and children?

Angry, Confused, Depressed, Palestine

I guess many of you want to know what happened the night he emailed me. Some of you were really angry and wanted to know! Really, it is not an exciting story, but a plain horrible story for me. You see, I tried to not talk about it the next day, because it hurt. I didn’t want to write in an angry tone, and I didn’t know how to put the words together. However, I told two people the story, and when I got to the end, they said, “what the hell? Does he want to rub it in, or just plain mean?”

He emailed me that night justifying the post I wrote about the wedding story. He confessed some parts, and tried to elaborate or correct other parts. Typical him. Then at the end of the email he said, “I have been trying to add you to MSN. I want to talk to you please. Can you add me?”

I didn’t know why in the world he wanted to talk to me after I trashed him. So I added him to MSN. I wanted to see what he wanted, out of curiosity you know. However, we all know that curiosity killed the cat.

Throughout the conversation I kept asking him what he really wanted. He kept telling me he wanted to be friends with me. He wanted to be friends again and talk and fill the gap of two years. He said that since we knew each other for about 6 years, that he did not understand why I hated him. Hmm. Ok.

I then said, “no.” I kept telling him that I was not going to keep him on msn, and I wanted to know NOW what he wanted. Why did he even bother to email me? He told me since he saw me the night before, many good memories spurred in his head, and it was the first time he went on my blog for a long time.

He then surprised me by saying, “I want to see you. How about Thursday or Friday? We go for Sushi.” I was a bit stunned and said, “No!” Why the hell did I want to see him? Why the hell does a married guy want to see me? I told him that I didn’t want to see him again, and if he accidentally saw me anywhere in this world, to never stare at me or try to talk to me.

After an hour of arguing, I then got horribly frustrated and I told him, “I am going to block you now if you don’t tell me what you REALLY want.” He then said, “fine. I have a list of things to say to you.”

He gave me a list of about 12 or 13 things.

Here are some of them:

1. Don’t talk about me in a bad way to anyone.
2. Don’t pray against me to God (ed3y 3alay).
3. We should be friends and please keep me on MSN so I can talk to you from time to time.

Etc. I cannot remember the rest, but those were the main points.

So I told him, “nice.. I won’t do any of those. So, stop the bull shit and tell me, how do you have the heart to marry someone so quickly after I have known you for 6 years?”

He then said this, and I wish I never read it. He said, “I love my wife more than anything on this earth. More than I love my self. She is part of me, and I love her so much. We didn’t want to get married this way, but this is what happened. I love her to death.”

I read that. My heart stopped, because in the two seconds of me reading that, 1000 memories permeated in my head of the same crap he used to say to me. I just went into shock, and I thought to my self, “My God . . . you are a fucking ass. I hope you live a miserable life. Love? Do you even know what love is? Is your love so great for her, that seeing me for one night made you want to talk to me so badly and remember every good memory, and then say that shit to me?”

I said, “bye.” Then I blocked and deleted him. I didn’t even let him finish what he was writing or cared to read anymore.

I spent the night crying and kept asking my self. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Was I really that horrible? Or this was his way to rub it in and get married to a girl from another country that knows nothing about him, and hoping to have a fresh great start. Who cares about love. He obviously can easily pretened to love anyone. Good memories? That’s what he remembered? Really. Didn’t he remember that when he decided to get married to any girl? My God. You see, guys like him are asses. And I know many girls who had similar or exact stories because the guys are weak and think they can play revenge by doing that. The problem is, they don’t marry out of love. They marry out of spite.

He requested that I didn’t pray against him or say horrible things against him. Well then, I guess I am so doing the opposite and I wish him a horrible miserable unsuccessful life. Amen!

Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, They said what?, Whatever!