The few seconds of this video explains it all.

I hate weddings and people and seeing people from the past that I should not have seen! Sorry for the end of the video. It was my way of cheering me up and being arrogant.

Angry, Depressed

This is not a depressing post… Oh yeah it is. It is about my life. Obviously depressing.

Only 7 days till I turn 28. Yes. A nice even number. Not like 27 and its oddity. Like it makes a difference anyways. Just numbers, and also a waste of life. I can officially say that I am at the edge of my 20’s. I feel like I wasted what supposedly is the best years of my life. However, nothing turns out the way those story books portray life to be. Who cares about my age really. I think I bypassed that point when I turned 25, and suffered from a quarter life crisis. Oh it was not pretty. Can you imagine Mona being 50? Not a pretty sight.

Now, I guess because I am free, and I have too much time on my hand, I keep thinking, how does it feel to like someone again? I mean it. How does it feel to be in love again. Yes. Look at me. I am using that awful word again. Love. Till now I don’t believe in it like I used to, because I think it is like a whirlpool. It keeps spinning and spinning and carrying everything on its edges. And when the whirlpool stops, Bam! Everything falls.

It’s nice to see other people in love. It really is. It means there is hope that life is not so bad, and good things do come out of it. However, do you know what is worse? Seeing other people have depressing stories and asking for guidance. Or they think that I have “experience.” Whatever the hell that means. Many people ask me why it ended. And I repeatedly say, read the friggen blog. Read Year 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 and don’t skip a month! It means read the whole thing, and then ask me. I am like this really bad person when it comes to answering questions, because I feel that I cannot elaborate again what I already said. So if I have not replied to your email the past week, don’t take it personally, because I used to suffer from depression.

A few days ago, I got people asking me why I hate guys. When did I ever say that? I make fun of everyone. Especially guys, and for a flavor, girls. I guess I covered both genders. There are equal opportunities to make fun of both all the time.

However, I don’t know how to love anymore. You know, love someone else, and go through all the steps. I think it is childish, or just not something I want to go through all over again. It’s like writing a huge ass thesis, and you accidentally delete it, and don’t know where to start now. Should you start all over or bang your head and hoping the agony is not as bad as what the upcoming inevitable consequences are?

Maybe I am just lonely, and it finally got to me. I am just realizing it now that I am, and I don’t know what I can do to stop this feeling. I think right now I am suffering from a bit of depression. But don’t worry. It is not so bad. I am fine. I have not gone to any shrink. I have not taken any drugs. I have not suffered from insomnia (thank God!). I am just suffering from this thing, and I cannot add any sarcastic comment to relieve this feeling.

Advice, Depressed

It is one of those days when I feel that life sucks. It really does. I sometimes want to think that my life is not so bad. Other people have it worse, then I look at some other people’s lives and think that they have it better. They have achieved something in life so far. What have I achieved at my age? Nothing. I feel that I wasted almost all my 20’s. I am aimless.

I am not an evil person, or a person with a bad attitude. Although some stupid people that comment on my site who don’t even know me in person think I am. I am actually the opposite of that. I just take out my anger in this blog and on people I don’t know, that means you. I have too much anger built up inside me from all the crap that I have seen in my life. That’s my problem. I think I experienced the worst of things, and I keep asking my self, “why?”

I try to correct some things, or try new things just so I know that life is not one set path that you take and forever stuck to. I mean, maybe I am unlikable. I am not that pretty or attractive, I don’t have many friends, and not many people talk to me. A lot of people think I am weird, old, and my life is boring. Who can blame them?

I am just tired of all these thoughts. I keep asking myself, “when will my life change?” When will I get out of this lifestyle I am stuck to and start something new and exciting? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I think I was born unlucky, and going to be forever unhappy.

Depressed

I am not going to label my self as weak, or think too much of the past. I honestly don’t like thinking of the past at all. However, I feel like it is always creeping up on me and making me think of other possibilities, in other words the inevitable, “what if?”

You may wonder what I am talking about, and at times I have no idea what I am talking about. I got some people emailing me in the past saying that my site is a perfect study for a psychological in depth analysis of human thought. In other words, vividly expressive.

Am I expressive or just plain talking nonsense? Nonsense is a great term. I learned that nonsense is one of the most important genre of children literature, and that’s why it is so attractive to a young audience. However, my site does not have a genre, or maybe it does and I am just in denial. Maybe I didn’t grow out of this nonsense thought process and I am always living in denial. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I feel I am back to square one. I thought I got rid of all the negativity in my life by quitting everything and removing the past. Quitting my job was the last hurdle in that mess called past life.

Lately, all I have been thinking about is my age. My life. What have I done with my life. I feel everyone is moving on with their life and doing new and exciting things. Unlike me, who decided to quit everything because I got sick of the same continuous lifestyle that I was stuck in. I am in an idle stage right now trying to figure out how to relieve the past trauma that permeated my thought process.

Moreover, people think I have all the free time in the world. Believe me, I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t use any of it because I was brain washed into what society wanted from me. Also, I wonder why people get married. I also wonder how people get married. Maybe I should have gotten married long ago at a young age so my thought process is not skewed by the agony of life. What am I talking about? Me gotten married? Who would want me?

Strangely, I don’t believe in love. I find it absurd, this concept called love. That’s why some of you think I am so negative when I speak of love and relationships on my site. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I have heard about it. I have seen people suffer cause of it. In the end, they either take the route to satisfy their desires, or the route to satisfy those around them in the expense of living a lie.

Maybe I do have a negative view of life. I thought I grew out of it. I tried to get rid of everything that made this view so melancholy, but you can’t change a person over night. I think I need to find a cure to my mental psychological disease. It is taking over my life. I was fine last week. I was fine a month ago, but today, of all days, I feel so down. I want more, but I can’t seem to find a starting point. Is it a starting point that I am really looking for, or a new tangent from an end point?

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts

Financially that is. Yesterday, I checked to see if I will get paid anything for the month of October like I am supposed to, and I will! $750 bucks is what I got for the first week of October. That’s it. No more pay cheques, and I am officially unemployed. It might sound bad, and I agree because the thought struck me with a baseball and made me think, “umm, I am poor now, and I have no steady income.”

I got used to having an income. I had a steady income for 6 years, and I decided to quit my job for various reasons, and the main one was my sanity. You can say that I retained my sanity, and I am a bit more normal now. I am still pissed at many issues in the world, but work drove me insane! Now, I keep thinking of where to get money to sustain my self. Well, I don’t have many bills. However, I do have the female itch of going to the mall every now and then. I don’t really like my parents giving me money, although they loved the idea of me quitting my job because it drove me insane, and my mom didn’t like my constant complaints and white hair.

Fortunately, I have a little bit of income. It’s not much, but it is something. This site. This blog of mine is my only source of income. You may think I am money hungry or trying to make money off writing, which I will not deny it, I am. I make money from the ads you click on, and I also make money writing product reviews. I think of it as really low income, but at least I can say that I am not 100% poor. I am not 100% broke. I am just trying to find a better way to make money without having to listen to the man and get a job. Maybe I just don’t want a boss, and want to be my own boss. Is that wrong?

Maybe someday I will end up getting a new job, but for now, I am trying to find my self. Trying to see what I can do with whatever talents I am meant to have. I wish people will understand that having a job is not everything in life. However, trying to be something in this life and challenging your self to work at it from scratch is a lot more rewarding. Maybe some day I will have a million visitors a month, and a steady blog income. I will hopefully get to write as much as I want whenever I want. Also, one of my ambitions is to write a book or be published for the world to read. You may think that having a blog is good publicity, but I want my name to be known. I think I have this major itch that I need to do something recognizable in this life time and live my life knowing that I didn’t waste my talents.

I wish I had all the drive and energy that I can possibly possess to one day make my dreams come true.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Whatever!