I don’t know why I am still awake. It’s almost 4 am and the thoughts of sleeping have escaped me long ago. I guess when you sit all night trying to put together everything into perspective, you then realize how insignificant of tiny beings we really are. I guess the depression and bi-polar thoughts and actions have kicked in. I will have to endure today the sadness of sitting down with a psychologist/councelour at a student development center (I can’t afford a real psychologist) to tell me what I already know about my self.

I know that I suffer from sadness, loneliness, mood swings, irritability, anger, and just hopelessness. I guess the fear of knowing what you really are is someone else telling it to your face.

Who can really help me? I can’t even help my self.

I found writing as my last resort and as a way to speak out, but even then I am ridiculed and made fun of constantly. No one takes me seriously and I am just a no body.

In reality, I am just a sad person who spends most of her time suffering from sleepless nights and crying.

Has anyone ever cried for no reason?

The past year has been so horrible. I feel that I am hated by everyone, and no one ever loves me, or takes me seriously. I am just no one. No one at all. I feel like someone hit me really hard and just told me to shut up and never be happy again.

My biggest problem is that I don’t like change. I was happier in my own little comfort zone. The zone where no one was allowed to change anything unless I said so. I cannot let go of what I love. I feel happier knowing things are just the way they are supposed to be. We always have this hope that what we love and feel secure with will never leave us. Our surroundings will never change, and what we want to plan for in the future is always what we hope for.

I don’t know how I became this utterly depressed person. I suffered off and on from depression since I was 19, but never to this extent that it controls me completely. Things around me changed so much the past year that I no longer can find any joy, or purpose of me. I really don’t know how to be happy anymore and I just get angry and sad all at once. I feel everything was broken to a million pieces that nothing will glue it back again.

I also became fearful of confrontations and would rather just be left alone and no one to talk or criticize or say anything to me anymore. I just want to be left alone. Just be left alone forever.

Random Thoughts

Really we are sad everywhere… here or there.. no justice in the world.. just hate of one another.. I would give my life to be living in my home land and not be here in these strange lands criticized by the most pathetic people and ridiculed for who I am, what I say, and what I write.

Random Thoughts

It’s funny how sometimes we mind our own business, do what we like, interact with one another, and we get ridiculed for that. People out there are always following our actions and waiting to criticize us for every word we say. It is sad to see how the human mentality has become. It really has. At times we are always afraid of what we will write, what we will say, and even what we think. When will all this hatred towards one another end? Why can’t we just live a life without being afraid of what we will end up saying?

It’s funny how sometimes we are just followed by others to ridicule our success, and mock our failures. Why can’t humans just be happy for one another and just mind their own business? It’s easy and simple.. Really.

I give up. I really do. I am just tired of this. Can’t I just enjoy being me?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

This is an Arab news network (http://www.iarabs.com) that takes articles from various Arab sites on the net. I guess I found it because I saw people linking to my articles from there. I joined and I love it.. Great place to read just Arab articles. I like it also because it is simple and clean and not cluttered like Digg and other sites!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

It seems to be the common trend now on the Internet.. Who has a blog? Do your employees have a blog? What are they hiding? What are they really thinking when they go to your office for a meeting about how messed up their final product is and can’t put two sentences together to save their life! Can you as a boss learn more about your employees’ daily lives and thoughts by reading their blog? I am writing about this because I browse a lot and read a LOT of blogs a day. I think I averaged it out that at least 90 minutes of my day is dedicated to blog reading, and I have a list of many. (I know I don’t comment on every blog, sorry guys, but I do read it!) I am one of those people who want to know how others think and how in reality we are really all similar to one another. So I read Dooce’s blog daily. (Not my ultimate favorite blog, so I am not ahead of the game.. that’s tomorrow! ) I love the daily pictures she posts, and I was reading the about me page, (which many of you avoid to read to know the blogger better.) So you daily obsessed bloggers know that she got fired from her job because of her blog a few years ago and started a big blogger controversy about how much freedom can a blogger really have?

So she wrote this interesting quote,

My advice to you is BE YE NOT SO STUPID. Never write about work on the internet unless your boss knows and sanctions the fact that YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT WORK ON THE INTERNET.

I thought it was interesting and actually true..

I think not telling your boss could be a problem in the future. (They will find out sooner or later.) However, what if you told your co-workers? If they know about your blog they can easily blackmail you. I think that is where the problems really start. How many people know about it and how much can you get in trouble for it?

On on a more positive note, a lot of companies encourage their employees to have a blog. Unfortunetly, I have seen many that are not personal but more of development and news about events and stuff the company is holding. It is still interesting to read an employee’s take on thing. It really is. We always read the top view of things, but never the bottom where it is a lot more interesting to read.

What I encourage others to do, even if you don’t have a blog is to start one. It is simple, easy, and free. If you spend time reading blogs, then writing your own is not that hard at all. (You spend numerous hours chatting on MSN!) I know most of you say, “I don’t have time.” “I don’t know what to talk about.” “My life is so boring, who wants to read it?”

You know what I say about that, GROW UP and do something productive with your time. Some people out there really could be interested in what you have to stay. It will also teach you a few writing skills for sure! And you won’t believe how many people I see in the library just sitting there reading other people’s blogs! It’s scary!

A blog reader’s question:

“But Mona, you are telling us it is ok, and you have a blog too. Does your boss know?”

YES! So leave me the hell alone and I like writing and bitching and complaining about my life! I am mentality disturbed suffering from Major Depression and use writing as a means to speak out! I have hard time talking. My boss knows I am completely crazy and a wacko, and no I don’t regret ever telling him about it! Right boss?

Case closed! Anyone else has a blog that I don’t know about and want me to become a reader? It has to be a real blog and not an artificial one that just steals news from other news sites and blogs. It is just boring and I really don’t like those.

PS.. I am like other people who read my blog; is scientifically classified as a person diagnosed with epicaricacy or Schadenfreude! (Yes, I know German!)

It means “pleasure taken from someone else’s misfortune.” loool

Yes I am evil.. muwahahaha.. Oh man.. I need a drink.. and sugar. A lot of SUGAR! It will calm me down a bit.. Pheww.. I got a little excited there.

Blah Blah, Funny, Random Thoughts, Whatever!