A conversation were truth just creeps out without me realizing it. Makes me wonder really how others perceive me in real life. Am I just loosing my mind at times?

(11:46 AM) [11:46:04 AM] as: mona listen hun…………wat do u have ur money saved up for? u have to ask urself…………….if this is gonna help u out, then yes its a big payment bas why not……….its something necessary….why wait 2 yrs? 2 yrs is 2 yrs of ur young life
(11:46 AM) [11:46:18 AM] Mo: heek
(11:46 AM) [11:46:24 AM] Mo: i don’t want to spend my money on it now
(11:46 AM) [11:46:29 AM] Mo: so what if i have money
(11:46 AM) [11:46:32 AM] Mo: it is savings
(11:46 AM) [11:46:38 AM] Mo: i don’t know how life will be in 10 or 20 years
(11:46 AM) [11:46:47 AM] Mo: and iam not going to be irrational about it
(11:46 AM) [11:46:56 AM] Mo: i have to put up with crap at work to earn that money
(11:52 AM) [11:52:15 AM] as: and i dotn mean to say that….
(11:52 AM) [11:52:23 AM] as: and yes in 0 or 20 yrs u might need it
(11:53 AM) [11:53:17 AM] as: bas inshaallah u r still working, ur r still healthy and in 10 yrs u will save up more money but if u need to take out 2000 now for something important for ur enjoyment of life, then why not
(11:53 AM) [11:53:46 AM] as: ya3ni wats the point of life if all someone is gonna do is not live it to the fullest they can….at the moment
(11:54 AM) [11:54:06 AM] Mo: maybe
(11:54 AM) [11:54:44 AM] as: i know ur tryin to be careful bas its ok……be really really strict with ur money for just 1 MONTH, and then ur salary for that month can go towards it…thats it just one month
(11:55 AM) [11:55:12 AM] as: anyways….
(11:55 AM) [11:55:18 AM] Mo: aah
(11:55 AM) [11:55:18 AM] as: i dont like to see u unhappy
(11:55 AM) [11:55:21 AM] Mo: heek
(11:55 AM) [11:55:32 AM] Mo: im not unhappy cause of it
(11:55 AM) [11:55:37 AM] Mo: i am unhappy cause of life
(11:55 AM) [11:55:48 AM] as: ur unhappy cos u think ur falling apart?
(11:55 AM) [11:55:51 AM] Mo: heek iam sad
(11:55 AM) [11:55:53 AM] Mo: maybe
(11:57 AM) [11:57:17 AM] as: mona ur doing like me…..please dont do that…….a lot of ppl would kill to be in ur shoes……ur educated, smart, hardworking, good job, great parents, good family, they love u, they support u, ur attractive, active, have good taste….sensible
(11:57 AM) [11:57:19 AM] as: why be sad?
(11:57 AM) [11:57:32 AM] Mo:
(11:57 AM) [11:57:36 AM] as: ur in a good place…..so wat if there is lil problems here and there
(11:57 AM) [11:57:48 AM] as: everyone has lil problems!
(11:57 AM) [11:57:58 AM] Mo: i don’t know why i am sad
(11:58 AM) [11:58:05 AM] Mo: to be honest

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?

Quoted by my boss. Regarding yesterday’s manic actions, I guess I wasn’t really going to get away with it. I should actually quote the rest of what he said. He told me that, “I am difficult to manage, but challenging.” Yes, he smiled but it was such a fake smile that I just laughed. I laughed for many reasons. I laughed because I did not want to be there and discuss it. I laughed because it was easier to not tell the truth, so I thought of something funny instead and waiting till the conversation ended. I laughed because all I thought about when he said those words where my mother. She says it to me on a daily basis. Probably since the day I was born that I was difficult to manage. She even told me one time that I was rebellious. Hence, the reason for my blog. Great inspirations I tell you. My mom uses a lot of interesting words.

Getting back to the issue at hand; the conversation. My boss was trying to get the truth from me to find out why I didn’t want someone to be hired to help me out. You know how hard it is to lie face to face to someone? I don’t know how people can do it. However, I did it today. I did it because I had so much anger built up in me that I forgot that I was sitting in front of him. I forgot why I was brought in there in the first place. I tried so hard to tell my self that telling the truth will not help the situation, but make it worse.

So I just started disagreeing with what he was saying. I couldn’t believe it my self. I guess I showed my true colours by saying “no” all the time. Everything he was asking me, I kept saying no. He even said that the thing he liked about me is I am not easily agreeable. I am not a yes person which seems to impress bosses. I wasn’t agreeing because I didn’t want to seem that I didn’t care and just going with the flow. I shock my self sometimes. I really do.

So the conversation really didn’t come to a conclusion other than me asking 3 or 4 times to go back to the office and work. He tried to keep me a bit longer to see what else he can extract from my messed up thoughts.

Abruptly, he mentioned the co-worker that I despised and he said that the guy doesn’t have his heart and soul in this job anymore and who knows how long he will stay. I was about to scream. I just said, “well, he has been here 4 years, so I don’t know why he hadn’t left yet.”

That’s what I said, but this is what I really meant. I meant to say, “why the hell you didn’t fire him yet?” Obviously I didn’t because I am not stupid and I was thinking more of why I was sitting there to begin with and I didn’t want a problem to become any bigger.

Telling half the truth is as bad as not telling it at all.

Do I feel guilty? I need to stop feeling guilty. It’s hard when you have such a nice boss and one of the nicest people you ever met to make him feel bad. However, I had my mind set. I really did and I wasn’t going to back out of it.. not this time. No turning back.

As I got back to work, my co-worker, who was intently waiting my return to know what happened kept messenging me on msn asking, “did you sort it out?”

I bluntly said, “sort what out exactly?”

I guess he then tried to explain him self more and kept saying, “this new person will not be a help, you will be the boss of them.” I told him, “no.. this is not going to happen. I had lots of help in the past, they did not want to work directly under me because to their understanding, I am not their boss, my boss is their boss and I am just a co-worker.” So I told him I really did not want to go through this again. It was a waste of time and effort.

Then I told him, “did the boss wonder why I was late this morning?” He said, “hmm no..” I told him, “I was at the library sending out resumes.” He said, “what! Are you really considering leaving?” I said, “not now.. soon.. maybe end of the year or next year. I am still looking for something more suitable to my skills, and it will not be a programming job, but managerial. I am sick of taking orders. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel that I have no say and I am just tired of taking orders.. It makes my blood boil.. Mentaly I can’t handle it anymore.”

Then something weird happened. I didn’t understand my co-worker’s motives, but he was talking me out of it. He didn’t want me to leave. I then interrupted him and said, “why does it matter to you if I leave or not? It is my choice.” He then replied, “ok ok.. it is your choice in the end, but if you become manager, will you still remember us?” I said, “yep.. maybe even steal you away.. wouldn’t that be fun?” I just laughed and thought to my self.. poor kids.. maybe they actually do like my presence at work because I was always there listening to them and innocently making jokes.

Later in the day, I wanted to talk to my best friend. So I gave her a call and we were briefly catching up with life. I then told her, “I got in a fight with my boss yesterday.” She said, “why you keep fighting with everyone.. is it in your blood?” I said, “I didn’t mean to.. I didn’t want to, but you know me. Once I am angry, that’s it.. no one can stop me.”

I then told her the details of what happened very quickly without taking a breath, and then she stopped me and said this, “why do you need help exactly? A person has to do a project on their own. It makes sense and you get to perfect it better without having to deal with others. Especially you.. with your drawings and art work. It will just be different between two people. And you don’t work in a big environment.”

My heart fell. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I just remembered that moment of why I liked her as a friend. Why I confided in her. Of all her flaws, of all my flaws, the only thing that kept the bond of friendship is how we perceive life. I told her how much I loved her for being a friend and she is the only human that can understand me. That I wasn’t going insane with my thoughts and what I have done. That I was right.

She then asked me, “what about school? Didn’t you want to do more stuff with your life and it was easy with your job? Didn’t you get accepted to masters? I know you didn’t tell anyone and you were planning to do it part time starting May.. but really, what are you going to do now? Will you leave campus now for good?” Then it dawned at me the real reason why I was still there. It was easy access to taking classes and pursuing higher education. I just didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t really keen on the idea of masters because I didn’t want to do it in Computer Science. It was just my last resort. I was still thinking in my head to do business or something more profitable and better for the future. I don’t know what to think. I am so confused.

Then she said, “don’t you dare quit work. If you find another job, good. If not stick with it. You put up with it for 5 and a half years, don’t stop now because you are psychologically incapable of controlling your emotions because of all the trauma in you had to witness and live with all your life. So stop it. You don’t want to regret this. Not work. So just suck it up and work and stop fighting with everyone. If you want a real challenge in fighting, I dare you to fight with me.”

I laughed and told her, “fight with you? It’s like fighting with my self till the death. And I know death will come slow in this case. So forget it. I will just keep drinking coffee excessively from now on and high amounts of fudge and chocolate.”

She said, “you will end up being a fat cow. How much weight you gained cause of “him”? That fucken idiot. 30, 40 pounds in the past 2 years?”

I said, “shut up… you are not looking any better.”

She said, “yep.. we are both alike.. so let’s just suck it up and work out 3 time a week.”

I said, ” you are a wierdo.. when Ramadan is over, I am back to the gym 5 days a week. Unlike you!”

She got mad and said, “whatever.. anyways.. I got to go.. I miss you so much.. see you in 3 weeks!”

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Whatever!

My old sorrow,

As I read your reply to my letter I noticed that you will never change. Will never open your heart to me as I have done so to you. You are masked behind a veil of lies and treachery. Is this what the days have done to you? It made you a coward hiding behind layers of deep lies. I have never fathomed this day where I have to read a reply filled with mockery and ill will. I never till this day thought that I could have once loved such a person.

As days passed, months passed, I only saw a faded light. Where it began I have no clue. Where it ended, I could not see. I just wished that my eye sight hadn’t forsaken me. I don’t know really what you expected from me. Did you want me to beg you to take me back to your life? Did you want me to beg you to give me back an ounce of happiness I have longed for all these years?

I will never beg. I will never bow down to you or any other human. Who do you think you are? You are a mere memory. Something that I have forgotten long ago. Why did you come back? Why did you write me a letter filled with lies. Were you hoping that I am still as naive as you hoped? Did you think that I was helpless and alone without you. I think not. I will never think that you, of all beings, is worth this agony.

I shall say it once and for all. I shall tell you and tell you again, that love is blind. It blinded you and I to the point where hatred splurged from beneath our veins. It made our inner soul cry of hatred. Cry of disgust.

So let me be. Let the days tell us what is in store for the future. You cannot judge what it will be. Who are you? You are not any better than that person standing over there. Or that person laying there. No matter who you think you are. In the end, I will always be who I am, and I don’t need to live a life of lies to prove my worth to others. I don’t need to tell lies to bestow my love to others. I don’t need to tell lies to masque my true self to the one I love.

I am lucky. I will never be like you. Never. 

-Mona

Random Thoughts, They said what?

My dearest,

For several months now, I have contemplated whether to write you this letter. As days passed, all I could think of is the time I longed to be with you. To be within your arms smiling at your moonlit face and wondering how long this will last. How long I have to wait for the day when I will be with you forever. I kept waiting, days passed, years passed, and nothing.

I remembered that love is forbidden in our lives. To love is but a sin committed by two souls. To love someone is to deeply devote your soul to something that cannot be seen or touched. This I cannot endure. As my heart cannot fathom to betray my roots. To betray my self. To betray my mere existence. However, as weak as I am, I am only but human. The sins committed by out heart’s desire we cannot stop. It couldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, and doesn’t want to stop.

Time has passed, and the heart played the role of controlling our lives. Some of us like I mentioned are weak. We are weak. I am weak. I know you were not able to feel what I have felt. You were not able to endure the agony that my heart desired. You could not understand what love is. Maybe I didn’t either. Maybe none of us do.

What is love you may ask me? I do not know. It is nothing that can be touched or seen, but only a sin that we are living. I tried to remove such feelings from my heart’s desire, but what can I do? I am only human.

Life passed before my eyes. What am I to do? Who am I to turn to now? I live a life torn between two worlds. Life that I cannot fathom to speak of, and life that I can only dream of. I tried with all my heart’s desire to forget you. To love no more. What is love? Really? Was I that foolish to believe and put faith in something that cannot be touched or seen? To put all my faith in something that tears my heart in two? Why am I foolish? Was the sin committed that horrible that made me so blind to see the truth. The truth that we are merely puppets to this invisible feeling. This feeling that controls us to the point where life of insanity is better than life lead by love?

Why should I still love you? Why should you still love me? What has love done to us? It has just torn us apart.

It made us miserable human beings. It is better if we never love at all. It is better if we didn’t have to let our hearts lead the way because it is blind. It cannot see what we see. It cannot tell what is right and what is wrong. Feelings cannot control us and tell us where to go. It can only take us to a direction that thinks will lead to a result. A path that leads to harmony and bliss. How can something so blind tell the way?

I am sorry my dearest that our hearts grew apart. Our life was blind and lead by blindness. Forgive me not of what I have said, but only think of the truth behind our hearts. If there is any truth, let it lead the way, and not let any blindness and melancholy trap us to a never ending trail of agony. Let us be free of this life controlled by blindness. Let us see what we can touch. Let us feel what we see. Just let the truth guide us and let’s be free of each other. Forever is better than never.

Good by my love. I was cured from my blindness that you have never endured. Sorry I was weak, and you were cruel.

- Mona

Random Thoughts

I need the following things:

1. I need a vacation
2. I need a new jacket
3. I need a few sweaters for winter
4. I need new friends
5. I need a new job
6. I need new pillows
7. I need more books
8. I need new shoes
9. I need fudge
10. I need a new guy
11. I need more money
12. I need a new blog
13. I need order to my life!

I am just so needy now..

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts