I have always been this paranoid person battling with time, rushing with everything I do, trying to perfect everything while I am at it, but I don’t know why.

[source]

I guess when you try really hard to reach a standard of living to satisfy the people around you, then you are left with two things: one brain cell, and something extremely caffeinated in your palms. This is my life, but I want to change it, and I am slowly trying. How would I do it though, or am I already without noticing? Also, I keep asking my self, what am I waiting for really?

So, I quit caring about everything, and only think about my self. Life is too short, and my hair is rapidly turning grey.

It may seem like just words written on a blog, but I seriously quit caring. I stopped caring about the people around me. My brother a couple of days ago asked me, “So how many friends you got left that you have not pissed off?” Hmm.

Oh, if he only knew how many fans I got from this website. My only way to communicate and make good friends is from people outside my realm, and outside this city of mine. However, my brother would be like what? “Over 1800 unique visits a day, over 3500 hits a day, over 260 friends on Facebook people that like this site only, over 960 Twitter followers, over 400 RSS & Email subscription readers, etc. What the hell do you talk about Mona that people are that interested in you, and you are always interacting with them, but you can’t do that in real life?” he would say.

I don’t know. Maybe I just say what is on my mind, and people out there who want to understand it and can relate to me, really appreciate it.

I question EVERYTHING and I don’t care if I say that THINGS are wrong and need to be changed or reconsidered. I am trying really hard to remove that censorship barrier, and not care anymore what I say. This is my job now; my blog. I got my blog office, a lovely desk area, and a L-Zay Boy Couch. I spend my time writing posts, and interacting with everyone all day long. I deal with 100’s of people a day, I try to be creative in everything that I try to represent about my self, and I always try to be on top of everything, technology and social networking wise. People on the net or people in real life, all the same now. It’s work, and it is not easy to slowly develop communication skills on your own to deal with all types of people. I used to always be picky and try to find friends that are similar to me and I can relate to, but now, I don’t care. I learned to appreciate and understand all kinds of people.

I just quit this paranoia and constant battle with my self to seem perfect, or say perfect things to satisfy certain people around me. Would I get the same treatment back? No. Never.

Questioning the Unquestionable

Moreover, over time, I kept asking my self these questions over and over, but I never found a satisfying answer to any of them.

1. Why do people only remember you or want to talk to you only if they need something from you?

2. Why do people forget you when you are no longer around them much, but there are many other methods to stay in touch?

3. Why do people suddenly stop talking to you, even though they are the ones that pissed you off?

4. Why when people find a significant other, they forget everyone else, and you quickly become a number in the bottom of their list?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

I have been listening to the news lately about elections taking place in various countries this month. I am not interested in politics, or who are the people running, or how much money they bribed the people to vote for them. What grabbed my attention is the people outside of their home lands, those that have been living abroad for many years, have been voting like crazy at their home countries foreign embassies.

I am going to generalize for a bit to a certain but obvious group of people that live abroad.

Most likely, you left your country voluntarily and have been living outside of it for so many years. Most likely you have a dual citizenship, and allowed to vote for a leader back home. So, you left to find a better life outside of your home country, or better education, or better work placements for financial stability, or the obvious, many of you left your country because of political unsettlement, civil wars, or for just a plain new experience.

What puzzles me, is that thousands of people living for all those years outside their home lands, stand in line for hours and hours to just vote for a new political leader in the country they have not been living in for ages, and most likely don’t want to live in again. The country that they decided to leave, decided to not go back with their knowledge and education, decided to not go back to help stimulate the economy by starting new business ventures to compete with other nations, and decided to not introduce the positive things they learned living abroad to enhance the life situation and thinking of their people.

Yet, those people want to vote for a new political leader for their home lands? Why? Are they doing it to just be part of something because they can? Are they doing it so their name is recorded as a person that voted? Seriously, why?

I question those things because I will never understand it. I suffer from a psychological problem and an ideology that I have been brain washed with growing up. I have this thing called diasporic discontent. I keep asking my self, why? Why us? So, why so many people doing that? They voluntarily left their country, but still want to be politically a part of it? Some of us didn’t voluntarily leave it. Some of us were born outside because we were forced to, and labeled as refugees. In Canada, we were labeled as Stateless. Stateless? How can I be stateless if my birth certificate says that my nationality is Palestinian, and my father and mother are Palestinian? But it is all politics!

If someone out there gives me the power to go vote, then I will think about it first. Will I feel good afterward? I have a very sentimental attachment to my home land. I find it an honour to brag about. However, telling me that I can vote for someone over there, but I have no intention of going back, seriously makes me a traitor to who I am. Obviously, if you ask any Palestinian out there, they would tell you they will sell everything no matter where they are in the world, if they are allowed to go back home and live in peace. Voting is not really an important factor, and kind of stupid to do it from far away. We rather just live there, go back, rebuild it, then just going to an embassy and casting a vote to someone that will not effect us directly.

So why bother to vote? Just go back if you care so much. Some of us are not so lucky to do that!

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Palestine, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

It’s funny when you are as picky as me, and you think you are doing it for obvious religious purposes, or for healthy lifestyles, or for pure personality compatibilities. Unfortunately, you end up with no one wanting you!

[source]

I don’t ask for much, but I learned a lot from a little experiment I did. I am a very inactive member of Arab Lounge. It is a dating, friendship, etc, website. It doesn’t matter how you label it; it is a stupid useless site. The reason I am inactive, or seldom log into it, because it has too many creeps and liars.

People like me are the reason it seems that Arab Lounge is kind of losing business. The other day, I got an email from them saying that sending messages (emails) within the site are free now. Free!!! That was 1/2 the purpose of paying for membership. You want to either send messages to a person who’s profile you like, or chat with them using the IM built in. So now FREE messages? I read that email and I laughed hysterically. I think I am one of the reasons this happened. I am anal about finding a mate, that paying membership fees to send a shout out to someone is kind of waste of time and money. Especially that I cannot believe half the crap that guys write on there.

For example, religiously, a Muslim is not allowed to drink. Don’t even get me started on that lying episode. So, I just weeded out 55% of the Arab-Muslim guys on there. Then, I am more anal, and I don’t like guys who smoke. I hate smoke! You try kissing a smoker! GROSS after 10 seconds! So, I just weeded out another 35% of the guys on there.

Who are the last 10%? Yep, you guessed it! Arab guys who don’t like a confident and truthful gal like me!

I didn’t want to waste my time, or any guy’s time, because I am oh so considerate. So, I just wrote the following on the about me or in my words section:

From the day I wrote that a few weeks ago, and posted it on my profile, I have not gotten a single person sending me some stupid flirt, messaging me, or bothering to chat while I am online, if ever. My honesty has lead me to weed out every single guy on a huge website such as Arab Lounge, that has thousands of members trying to search for their soul mates.

Wohooo!! Now you wonder why I complain about Arabs. My experiment worked!

If I was not attractive at all, or even so ugly, then I would understand why they would not talk to me at all. However, most of you know how I look like now from my Twitter page, or from the announcement on Facebook a couple of days ago. So I am not scary looking. AND!! don’t tell me it is that age thing! Most girls and guys on there are way over 30, and half the girls on there lie about their age anyways. Why do girls lie about their age? When we were 15, we told people we were 18. When we become 35 or 40, we would tell others we are 29.

Ohhhh!! Speaking of the devil! Arab women, who are obviously my mom’s age or around there, are all 40 or 41 years old! Their kids are College/University graduates and married, but the moms are still in their early 40’s! Mom tells me this about them, “I think they got married when they were all 14 or 15. Too bad that some of them I knew when I was growing up, and they were older than me and married around the same time or after. Kind of funny if you think about how much lying people like that do every day. They also teach their daughters to do the same. And those ladies got more obvious wrinkles than me!”

Hahaha.. my mom can be funny sometimes. Just sometimes!

Blah Blah, Funny, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

As the years pass by, we seem to grow up mentality and physically. For many of us, the melanocyte stem cells seem to die a lot quicker than others. Sucks to be us sometimes. Fortunately, our perception of the world in this era that we live in has completely changed. We know too much. All forms of media, especially TV and Internet, has really changed our perception and understanding of life. I think we are way smarter and knowledgeable of various potential scenarios of life than people did over 20 years ago.

[source]

However, no matter how those factors play in our daily lives, some of us still suffer from people leaving us out, or pointing out that we “didn’t go through it,” or “not experienced with it hands on.” Is that a reason to ignore us, or tell us that you don’t want our point of view, or is even considered a point of view?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about everyone’s advice to me from the Internet. I appreciate advice, and I really like it when people try to understand and put them selves in my shoes. That is great, but only if they did it with well thought of understanding and good intentions.

I am different and I perceive life differently than many people. I always try really hard to put my self in someone’s shoes just once. I try really hard to understand what a person is going through and why. I try really hard to picture various outcomes from a situation. I try really hard to know everything about various situations that I could possibly be in down the road.

I am a knowledge addict. I try to gain as much knowledge as I can from the world around me. If something strikes my head, I will just look it up and understand it even more. If I can’t, I read what others are saying about it. I read people’s experiences and their perception of the situation, especially through blogs. I don’t want to be “left out” or “ignored” from a conversation. Although people that know me personally know that I don’t talk or converse in a group situation, but they know I am a deep listener. However, in one to one situations, I am very outspoken and I got an opinion to everything. Even if that opinion does not interest me, or I have never experienced it in my entire life, it does not mean I know nothing about it.

Sometimes when I am conversing with my mother about how older generation Arabs are, she shockingly asks me, “How do you know how most Arabs think? Have you been hanging out with people my age? You know too much for a person that does not interact with many Arabs or many people at all.” When she tells me that, I laugh. I don’t even know where to begin explaining to her that I know too much, because I utilize the new media to my advantage. It’s out there, then why not use it to try to understand everything around me?

[source]

What am I trying to really get at you might ask? Well, I feel that many people have ignored me or put me down during many conversations about life or whatever, because to them I am just a 28 year old loser that didn’t go through what they are going through. I don’t have the proper experience, or none at all. I will list some scenarios:

1. Marriage

Although I discuss marriage on my blog, and I am not married, people have messaged me telling me that I know it so well, like a person who is already married. Why? Simple. I know enough from learning about it. I can picture it. I have this God given intellect to picture a situation, understand it with the best of my ability, and know how to deal with it when the time comes.

2. Wedding & Engagement Preparations

I was never engaged or married. However, I know everything about preparing for one. It is actually a good thing, because I know what to avoid and what I like. Because I never experienced it, does not mean I cannot do it on my own, or discuss it as a knowledgeable person in that area.

3. Raising Children

I know you may ask, how the hell you would go that far if you are not even married? Well, simple. I maybe a very fortunate person in that area. I am 14.5 years older than my sister. I saw how my sister was raised. I was old enough to understand it, and I learned from it. My brother, when he used to live here with his wife, I saw how a baby was born and taken care of at an even older age. I understand the steps. I know what to avoid in the future if I ever want kids. I know how to raise them in this rapidly moving world. I know how a mother must act and why for the sake of the child. I understand it, because I was surrounded by it all the time.

4. Different Work Environments

This is the one thing that pisses me off in this world that we live in, especially in the Information Technology world. I cannot get a job beyond what I used to do or even close to what I did, because I was not in the same environment as another company might be in. That makes no sense, but I understand why hiring managers would think that. 99% of the people that interviewed me have not studied Computer Science or Software Engineering. Yet, they are the managers for IT. Don’t even get me started on that unfair bull shit. The reason they say I have limited skills or experience, because they don’t understand the way a Computer Scientist thinks.

If you have been reading carefully this post, and trying to understand the hidden meaning behind it, then you would know why I think the way that I do. Most Computer Science graduates would relate to my thinking, because that is the way they were trained to think. Yes, we are trained to think in an analytical way. We are trained to think of various situations, picture our selves in it, plan them, come up with every possible test case, and don’t deliver the final product until everything is fully developed to specification. Sounds nerdy I know! I know you are asking your self, why the hell no one is hiring you? I told you of the unfairness, and you also got to think like me, to understand all the potentials that I can possibly offer, no matter what I have experienced already. My brain is very analytical, and it is like that with all Technology professionals.

This is the way we view life, and every possible situation that we could be in.

In conclusion, people out there need to understand that because I am my age, and have not experienced or is experiencing the same life situations as someone else, does not mean I know nothing about it. Telling me, “oh you don’t know anything about it, forget it,” really pisses me off. It makes me beyond angry. You are undermining my intellect. If I don’t know something, I will say it. I am not ashamed of not knowing something, but I am smart enough to find an answer. I am smart enough to picture my self in it.

Why do people place this invisible barrier with people like me?

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

You know what really sucks? Dying your hair a medium brown colour that matches your natural roots, and two days later, grey little hairs sneak back out. Am I a miracle of science that my hair changes colour in two days after being dyed with permanent hair colour? Or does my hair grow half a centimeter a day? Or age is creeping up to me so fast that I may physically be 70 years old next week?

I blame my parents. Psychologically they messed me up and genetically. What else is left for them to ruin?

I checked Wikipedia and it says:

The change in hair color occurs when melanin ceases to be produced in the hair root and new hairs grow in without pigment. The stem cells at the base of hair follicles produce melanocytes, the cells that produce and store pigment in hair and skin. The death of the melanocyte stem cells causes the onset of graying.

Did you see that people? It says DEATH of the melanocyte stem cells. So we can conclude that every single one of my melanocyte stem cells are dying as we speak. My cells are dying!! Dying!! DYING!! All that is left for me to say is, may they rest in peace, Amen.

I guess I just have to keep waiting in emotional agonizing pain, and wondering when things will ever get better.

Blah Blah, Funny, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!