I am not a suicide case. I don’t think there is anyone in the world who is worth it. Not even my cat.
It’s only Tuesday, and I have considered jumping from a several stories high building. Also, I considered that a half moving car may bitch slap my car and roll it on its side while I am in it, then get hit by a train. Then I realized, that nothing is damn worth my finger nail. Fuzz them! All minions in my rebellious pond.
If you are smart beyond smartness and considered in the first world as genius, you will know what I am talking about. I consider my time is up, and I want to publicly display my inner demon. I don’t care anymore. I am gonna act heartless towards everyone.
I have been living in an abyss that I semi created, and for what? For my suffering? What am I gaining… or just losing?
I always wondered when my fuse will explode. When will I reach the point of no return and never look back again?
I believe that I am very close to the edge, but my sanity, whatever is left of it, is helping me in my current life situation. I learned patience throughout my life because of all the crap I have witnessed. I learned to wait, and life will get better. The problem is, how long will my patience last?
Have you ever been in a situation where nothing that is telling you to calm down and take things slow, for example religion, culture, morals, is helping you at all? What is the good life for you? How do you define such a thing? Is there such a thing? Or do we just ease life and make of it what we want and define it as good or bad?
Are you patient? Were you ever not? What lead you to break the fuse?
How is everyone doing? I feel a bit mellow today. I just want to lay back and do nothing. I feel it has been a long hard week. That’s my life every week. Once I reach the end of it I am like dear God! Then it all starts over again on Monday. Oh well!
I was looking at my archives and my emails, and I can’t believe I started my first blog entry in 2005. I don’t even remember 2005. I don’t even remember what I did yesterday, which makes me glad that I do have a blog and I can document my life. Even though I do come across as a pessimist, but I just speak my mind. Every body when they really say what is on their mind then it comes across as not so nice.
I have learned a lot about criticism and rejection from this blog. It helps in life because it really teaches you how to deal with people of every walk of life. I remember when I had my first website back in early 2000 or 1999, and people out of no where did not like me. I didn’t understand why. What was I saying that people didn’t like? I had to learn the very hard way that the truth is not acceptable. Speaking your mind and being who you are is frowned upon. I think I stopped caring in 2006/2007 when I realized that people actually spent their valuable time making hate websites about me and stealing my pictures as well.
I guess you can be loved in different ways.
What is so appealing about my blog and way of writing? Is it just the hard truth? Is it the things that people frown upon and I discuss it? I don’t do anything wrong in life. I am very honest and I learned that honestly is the best solution to all my problems. I sleep well at night. I don’t think and re-think over and over. I don’t hide anything. I am an open book and I learned to live life day by day.
If I have been ignoring or not answering your email, then I do apologize. I am just at a loss of word sometimes. (Yeah! ME!) Also, I do not want to put any advertisements or promote any products. I get a lot of those emails, and I don’t want to clutter my website. I want to redesign it one day, if I have time, and try to be a rebellious Arab girl with a different theme and point of view. For now, let’s all stick to this and see how it goes. It is only the first week of January and things are crazy already. It’s a leap year. It’s 2012. I wonder what scary movie they have up the works on December 12, 2012.
My brain is unstable. I really need more coffee eh?
After a long withdrawal from my blog, I feel that I cannot stay away. I needed time off though. I have been writing for God knows how long, and I was thoughtless. I was really at a point in my life where I could not put all the thoughts I wanted to say in public. I wasn’t afraid though or anything. I was just dead.
You may be thinking, oh here we go again, but seriously, yes, here we go again. And this time, I won’t shut up.
Lots of crap happened and is happening in the Arab world. I can’t even believe it, but I think it was about time. I just think there is a smarter non-violent way of articulating one’s thoughts. However, how could you tell that to people that don’t know how to use their intelligence for something useful. What has the Arab world done in the past 100 years?
The world is progressing, and they are quickly going backwards. Yes, freedom! Democracy! How are they planning to get it? Kill as many people and blame the government! Use the most powerful tool known to humans, the media, and abuse it! Such a furtive maneuver! Who is going to stop them?
Yeah, there are elections coming up in the Western World. Go figure.
However, what amazes me is my parents. They are glued to the television watching news and saying, “Oh no! Syria.. poor Syrians! Blah blah!” You guys know me, I can’t stand hypocrisy, even from my own parents. I tell them, why are you bothering? No offence to any Syrians out there! But seriously, 64 years and no one gave a shit about us Palestinians. Now the media is covering Syria and Palestinians can’t even get recognized as an independent sovereign state.
My parents think I am crazy, but you know what? I don’t even talk to Arabs here, do I care about them 1000′s of miles away?
My God! I pay a lot of taxes in this good old Canada. At least it is damn cold, I get free health care, and they accepted me as a citizen. I can’t say that about any Arab country.
My bed is right next to the wall. So I really took a hit this morning.
Welcome. If you remember me, then I salute you. If not, you are not missing much.
I have returned. Don’t ask me why now, but it should have been on the 23rd when I realized my life sucked and I am stuck at work wondering why am I in a job that I hate, a life that is quickly passing by, and I am just mentally exhausted.
I started another blog that some of you know about because you wanted to know and stay in touch, but I call it the nice blog. I am nice over there. I am hiding who I am and constructed a barrier called “nice.” I hate it! I can’t even express my self and tell you how much I am annoyed from life and everyone. Hence, you will not see any way to get in contact with me via a social network. I hate social networks. I have aged and I am very old school. I prefer good old fashioned emails that I choose to reply to some or not.
Aren’t I a rebellious bitch?
Yes, I said something mean! I said the B word and my gosh that felt good! I am no longer nice! I am back to my evil bold rebellious self!
So, why do you, and you, and even you still email me?
I still get emails from guys wanting to hook up.
I still get emails from naive Arab girls asking “why me.. help me!!”
I still get emails from old visitors wondering if I got married.
Let me answer the latter questions directly. You all know I don’t have time to play around. The answers are, no, no, and no!
First of all, I don’t know you. You don’t even know how I look like. For all you know, I could be the evil witch from the north! Secondly, why do you ask me for advice? I need advice. I am 31 and I am still wondering wtf! Thirdly, who the hell wants to marry me? I wouldn’t even want me. I am crazy and I don’t like people much.. well, unless you are really good looking, but still. NO! I am a messed up Arab Capricorn. Hail to the goat, but not hail to some guy sitting in that chair for 30+ years in North African countries, and messed up kingdoms!
I was contemplating writing a book the past few months. I wanted to give it the most mundane title in the world, but then I thought, why can’t I keep blogging about it. No commercials. No distractions. Nothing but good old fashioned writing!
Also, I don’t understand. I am still getting over a 100 views a day and people asking me where I am, when I will come back, and they want my opinion on something. Why me?
I just can’t believe what I will be doing again. I have returned to write a bunch of crap on the Internet and call it my way of self expression! I will pretty up the blog maybe, later.
For that lame introduction and few months of not writing, I will leave you with a joyful song that will most likely shake your ass on that 50 dollar desk chair of yours!