How is everyone doing? I feel a bit mellow today. I just want to lay back and do nothing. I feel it has been a long hard week. That’s my life every week. Once I reach the end of it I am like dear God! Then it all starts over again on Monday. Oh well!

I was looking at my archives and my emails, and I can’t believe I started my first blog entry in 2005. I don’t even remember 2005. I don’t even remember what I did yesterday, which makes me glad that I do have a blog and I can document my life. Even though I do come across as a pessimist, but I just speak my mind. Every body when they really say what is on their mind then it comes across as not so nice.

I have learned a lot about criticism and rejection from this blog. It helps in life because it really teaches you how to deal with people of every walk of life. I remember when I had my first website back in early 2000 or 1999, and people out of no where did not like me. I didn’t understand why. What was I saying that people didn’t like? I had to learn the very hard way that the truth is not acceptable. Speaking your mind and being who you are is frowned upon. I think I stopped caring in 2006/2007 when I realized that people actually spent their valuable time making hate websites about me and stealing my pictures as well.

I guess you can be loved in different ways.

What is so appealing about my blog and way of writing? Is it just the hard truth? Is it the things that people frown upon and I discuss it? I don’t do anything wrong in life. I am very honest and I learned that honestly is the best solution to all my problems. I sleep well at night. I don’t think and re-think over and over. I don’t hide anything. I am an open book and I learned to live life day by day.

If I have been ignoring or not answering your email, then I do apologize. I am just at a loss of word sometimes. (Yeah! ME!) Also, I do not want to put any advertisements or promote any products. I get a lot of those emails, and I don’t want to clutter my website. I want to redesign it one day, if I have time, and try to be a rebellious Arab girl with a different theme and point of view. For now, let’s all stick to this and see how it goes. It is only the first week of January and things are crazy already. It’s a leap year. It’s 2012. I wonder what scary movie they have up the works on December 12, 2012.

My brain is unstable. I really need more coffee eh?

Time for me to find something to do. Peace!

You may be thinking, oh here we go again, but seriously, yes, here we go again. And this time, I won’t shut up.

Lots of crap happened and is happening in the Arab world. I can’t even believe it, but I think it was about time. I just think there is a smarter non-violent way of articulating one’s thoughts. However, how could you tell that to people that don’t know how to use their intelligence for something useful. What has the Arab world done in the past 100 years?

The world is progressing, and they are quickly going backwards. Yes, freedom! Democracy! How are they planning to get it? Kill as many people and blame the government! Use the most powerful tool known to humans, the media, and abuse it! Such a furtive maneuver! Who is going to stop them?

Yeah, there are elections coming up in the Western World. Go figure.

However, what amazes me is my parents. They are glued to the television watching news and saying, “Oh no! Syria.. poor Syrians! Blah blah!” You guys know me, I can’t stand hypocrisy, even from my own parents. I tell them, why are you bothering? No offence to any Syrians out there! But seriously, 64 years and no one gave a shit about us Palestinians. Now the media is covering Syria and Palestinians can’t even get recognized as an independent sovereign state.

My parents think I am crazy, but you know what? I don’t even talk to Arabs here, do I care about them 1000′s of miles away?

My God! I pay a lot of taxes in this good old Canada. At least it is damn cold, I get free health care, and they accepted me as a citizen. I can’t say that about any Arab country.

God help them.

Welcome. If you remember me, then I salute you. If not, you are not missing much.

I have returned. Don’t ask me why now, but it should have been on the 23rd when I realized my life sucked and I am stuck at work wondering why am I in a job that I hate, a life that is quickly passing by, and I am just mentally exhausted.

I started another blog that some of you know about because you wanted to know and stay in touch, but I call it the nice blog. I am nice over there. I am hiding who I am and constructed a barrier called “nice.” I hate it! I can’t even express my self and tell you how much I am annoyed from life and everyone. Hence, you will not see any way to get in contact with me via a social network. I hate social networks. I have aged and I am very old school. I prefer good old fashioned emails that I choose to reply to some or not.

Aren’t I a rebellious bitch?

Yes, I said something mean! I said the B word and my gosh that felt good! I am no longer nice! I am back to my evil bold rebellious self!

So, why do you, and you, and even you still email me?

I still get emails from guys wanting to hook up.

I still get emails from naive Arab girls asking “why me.. help me!!”

I still get emails from old visitors wondering if I got married.

Let me answer the latter questions directly. You all know I don’t have time to play around. The answers are, no, no, and no!

First of all, I don’t know you. You don’t even know how I look like. For all you know, I could be the evil witch from the north! Secondly, why do you ask me for advice? I need advice. I am 31 and I am still wondering wtf! Thirdly, who the hell wants to marry me? I wouldn’t even want me. I am crazy and I don’t like people much.. well, unless you are really good looking, but still. NO! I am a messed up Arab Capricorn. Hail to the goat, but not hail to some guy sitting in that chair for 30+ years in North African countries, and messed up kingdoms!

I was contemplating writing a book the past few months. I wanted to give it the most mundane title in the world, but then I thought, why can’t I keep blogging about it. No commercials. No distractions. Nothing but good old fashioned writing!

Also, I don’t understand. I am still getting over a 100 views a day and people asking me where I am, when I will come back, and they want my opinion on something. Why me?

I just can’t believe what I will be doing again. I have returned to write a bunch of crap on the Internet and call it my way of self expression! I will pretty up the blog maybe, later.

For that lame introduction and few months of not writing, I will leave you with a joyful song that will most likely shake your ass on that 50 dollar desk chair of yours!

I don’t know what to do. I really wish I can start something that will turn out really big and not even have to worry about looking for a better job or working for anyone. However, my current employment is sucking the life out of me and I don’t have the time to be creative.

Arghh..

I am going relax and do nothing. Brain shut down for today.

Salute!

Where do I even begin? Do I want to discuss it? Nah!

All I can say wohoo for being normal me. Man, craziness on a Monday! I love the start of the week! Did I mention I am still looking for a job? Yeah, but nothing interesting in the summer. No one wants to hire in the summer which makes it worse. I have to spend another 2 months hauling ass to work. Oh well, I try to make the best of it. Gosh! I have a lot of patience!

I am still happy and excited! I don’t know about what, but I think because I had my fair share of frozen treats today. Actually, there is an amazing popsickle I bought yesterday and it needs some lickalicous love too! I didn’t go to the gym today.. it’s so hot and far too much construction. I rather stay at home and stay indoors where it is cool and relaxing.

I miss sleep. I am thinking of watching a movie. Any suggestions?

I can’t wait for Harry Potter by the way! It will be AWESOME!

Have a good Monday everyone! Love ya!

I used to be nice, care free, very open minded, love to talk to guys.. but now, I am totally the opposite and I am far too old to give a crap anymore. I am a bitter old woman! I am not even flattered by compliments. I think I lost that glowy happy feeling in my heart. I blame my culture. I also blame my self for being so gullible in the past.

I am happy the way I have turned out. Why can’t men be like me? Life is more interesting that way. I get to complain. I have fun in life. I like being envied too.. jealousy is a killer, but oh well, we all going to die some day.

I know!!! Most of you really hate me now.. but I never excepted love back. I like to earn it the hard way.

Did I mention that I have a horrible temper?

Yikes!

I think I mastered all that by now.

I have been trying to slow down in life. I think I want so much right now that I am missing the bigger picture. I am not enjoying life although I should be. I am not seeing the beauty of it, and I am just stressing over anything. I have a horrible temper when I get home. It is because I cannot release all that anger at work, I do it at home.

Now I release by sweating like a pig. I know it is haram and pure sin to sweat like a pig, but should I be sweating like a horse? Do horses sweat?

Anyways, I will stop being funny. I am bad at it.

However, I want to complain about something. You see, in this prodigious Internet world I chat with many different people because of Facebook and Twitter. What I found out that there is a huge language barrier between me and everyone else. I speak two languages people. One is called Arabic. I know it fluently and I can converse in it. The other is English, I am bilingual. I learned English & Arabic at the same time. So English is not my second language. Both languages I am fairly good at and I can hold up a conversation for more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I use Arabinglish, but who doesn’t combine two ore more languages if they know them all?

Anyways, so my point is, don’t talk to me in English if you can barely speak it. I understand you want to impress me, but I am not easily impressed. I am easily amused though, but not impressed. I am also pretty dumb. I do not “get it.” Whatever you are trying to tell me in English I do not get because:

1. Your grammar sucks.
2. Your sentences don’t make sense.
3. You use the wrong English words thinking it is funny.

Sorry I am being mean. Wait, I am never sorry to be one at all! I am pretty mean and stop talking to me in a language you cannot speak. I READ AND SPEAK ARABIC! So communicate with me that way. I am not Arabic illiterate although I may seem to be. Also, I am not vanilla in English, so don’t use big words like inveterate or truculent. I am a simple person. Just say hi to me and I am 100% satisfied. Also, I have a short attention span and I don’t like to read anything, so “HI” is enough!

I like to write a lot though. Thanks for reading my blog. You are super duper fabulous!

Have a wonderful day!

Hence, for the other 50% that don’t socialize through social networks with me know better than to comment no my blog. I don’t comment or read your blog. Sorry. I am a horrible human being. I have the attention span of a molecule, and I don’t keep up. I don’t have an RSS reader. I don’t have a favorite blog anymore that I am obsessed with. Moreover, if my blog is your favorite, then I do apologize that I didn’t kiss you today and yesterday and the day before.

Anyways, what’s new with me? Well, I decided to the join the gym. After being a lazy ass for the past 2.5 years and stuck in job that I do not like, then I need to exhaust my self after work and release all my negative energy. So far so good. I release a lot!

On a happier note, summer is almost here!! And I want to go on vacation somewhere that is NOT in Canada! I need to renew my passport. Hmmm… that will take me another month of actually doing it because I am lazy and queen procrastinator. Also, I want to go somewhere where I can walk around. Like a huge ass city and I get to see people and go see things. I want to SEE things! I want to not CODE AT ALL or be on a computer!

Maybe I will find love in an exotic place. Wait, I need to stop day dreaming eh? Finding a nice Arab man in an exotic place? Yah.. ok. But I am serious. Maybe it is time I settle down with Mr. Right. Unfortunately, he has not found me yet. I think he may have gotten hit by a truck and my luck is over. Oh well, at least being single and not “committed” to anyone and no one to drive me crazy and control me is a good thing. I don’t like being controlled at all.

One person on Facebook told me that I am such a challenge to deal with and “the one” has to be handle a “tough” girl. Well, I am just very opinionated, always has been, and I like to make my own decisions. I also don’t like to be controlled or asked, “Where were you? Why did you buy this? Why you don’t listen to me?” BLAH BLAH BLAH! And then compares me to other “behaved” Arab girls who “listen” to their man. BLAH! You want to be treated the same? Cuz I can be a total bitch too.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I joined the gym. I wish someone went to the gym with me and we could have fun sweating together!

Love you all. Have a wonderful day! Thanks for reading my blog and being a good love. I wish I can talk and hug every single one of you.

I won’t give examples. I won’t generalize to every single mom out there, but honestly, I, like many others out there, cannot live my life and make choices based on your likes and dislikes only. If you don’t like something, or your not comfortable with something and have not been comfortable for years, that doesn’t mean I CANNOT BE COMFORTABLE WITH IT TOO! I can make my own adult choices, and I am known to be stubborn as a goat, so why even bother to tell me what is right or wrong or what I should like or not.

It is best for me to make my own FRIGGEN choices. For me to come up with a conclusion that I like and classify it as right or wrong. I make the choice! Every single choice!

Dear God give me the patience to not scream today, and just accept life, the humidity, and a mother’s expressive way of eternal love! Amen.

I was very shy. I couldn’t talk properly, I couldn’t put my thoughts together in coherent sentences, or knew how to talk in public, or to others, because I just had this incredible amount of fear inside of me. I felt that whatever I say I will be judged and ridiculed by others. I felt that I had to portray my self in one and only one particular way and that is it! I lived that life up to my mid 20′s and then something changed me. I no longer liked me.

We all battle our inner selves, but it is only natural. However, in my case I was actually ridiculed for the most mundane stupidest unmentionable things. I didn’t know why or understand the reasons behind it, then one day, I put 1 and 1 together, and I realized that this is my life living in an Arab world but not on Arab soil.

Arab mentality drove me to the limit of insanity and extreme depression. Till this day I say, “whatever, YOU ARABS!” Don’t get me wrong, I do love being an Arab with high morals and great fundamental values. I appreciate that and I would not trade my culture or ever want to be someone else. I am grateful, but some things did not play well with me. I had to just end it right there and convince my self that this is not right. Who said it is right to begin with?

I am never going to try to change my roots. Never ever. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

But how did I change? When did I change? What helped? What didn’t?

I will not say this blog helped. This blog was a side kick to end the problems. It was more of a tool to find a solution and learn from others. I talked to the most incredible people and I have read the most intriguing stories from Arabs that helped me figure out what the real problems were. I know what the problem is now, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why most of you, although you know what so many of the problems are, cannot focus and tell your self that you had enough.

I am not telling you to stop or deny who you are, but I just want you to realize that you cannot continue living your life based on a culture instead of living your life based on YOU! Yes you!

This is my advice and I want you and I will be making it my mission in life is to make sure that Arabs break out of their shell. Break out of that multi-layered very thick Arab infused mentality of thick moldy exterior and wake up. The world around you is totally different and keeps changing, but the principles and habits are all skewed, and cannot keep sustaining you in this world. You will just end up being frustrated and angry all the time, as we can see now in the middle east. Just break that shell!

As I mentioned earlier, making this blog and writing in it since 2005 was really hard. However, it took me 5.5 years to break out of the shell. To be me, and not care about this person, or this mentality, and I just go up to anyone now, even a stranger and I can have a conversation. I can just say hi with my head held high and not care what they think of me or who I am or what I look like that day or why I even talk to a non-Arab or even another random Arab. I don’t need to justify everything, I just do it! Just do what you think you can do. If God judges us all individually, then why do we all have to live our lives the same way and judge each other collectively?

That’s why earlier in my previous blog post today I asked others if they can contribute something meaningful, truthful, honest, and can help others as well. But I found so much resistance from other Arabs because they were afraid to think or even break out of their shells. They are content. Fine. As long as you are happy, then that’s wonderful. But I know deep down inside of you, you wish you were someone else. Isn’t better to just be you then living in some dream. Don’t you think?