It has been a really long time now. Few months, maybe even years. Who knows. I lost count long time ago. At times I just feel that everything was wrong. That so many things happened that kept breaking apart. I tried to fix and glue it back together, and then, after a while, everything just fell and shattered to many pieces. Too many that nothing can put it back together.

At times I think that when everything shatters, the heart shatters as well.

What I mean is that I can’t force my self to like the idea of someone else in my life. I try to even just think of it as fun, but I can’t. I think I completely lost every emotion that has to do with loving someone again. Is it fear? At times I think it is fear of rejection again. Fear of wasting my time and life again. It is enough I wasted all these years, and now all I can do is nothing really. I am just living day after day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all.

I have changed so much. Really a lot. I changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have become a person trapped in that distorted mirror. I keep looking at it and it changes the second I look at another place in that mirror. Nothing is staying put. Nothing is going as I have planned. That’s why I never plan anymore. I never look forward to anything anymore. I just don’t have the desire to do anything at all anymore.

I used to be really nice and very innocent. I lived life simply and just acted like everyone else. However, I kept getting pushed, and pushed till I no longer controlled my anger and emotions. I used to be really nice. I used to be a very different person. A person I want to be again and just think life is simple and just think that everything will be fine if I really thought it would be.

At times, without even thinking at all, I act the way I was without realizing it. I suddenly become nice, and compassionate to others with no reason. Sometimes I do feel that I am bipolar and I act as two different persons. I don’t even realize it at times, but I am trying a new thing. When I am mad and angry to not say a word. Just keep my mouth shut and accept anything and ignore it too. I can’t change anything or anyone. I cannot control anything but my self. I just have to accept life and just live day by day and maybe .. well no maybes. Seriously, how do you mend a broken heart?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

Lord, I have committed the horrible sin of gluttony today. I have over consumed large amounts of food and I feel disgusting. Temptation my dear Lord. It was all peer temptation!

I am seriously at the edge of throwing up. I feel food resting in my esophagus waiting for a signal to return back to the outside world.

What did I eat today you may ask?

Well, I had my morning coffee, and I had a fruit muffin.

Then, it was my boss’s birthday today and we went to an all you can eat Sushi restaurant. I had to seriously stop eating before I threw up and I was accused of “eating like a bird.”

Then, we got a heavy rich delicious amazing stupendous chocolate fudge cake. I had to eat a piece. If I didn’t, then I would have committed a treason against humanity.

Then it got worse. I got home, and someone at home decided it was a super duper amazing idea to get Shawarma from this new place near my house. It was hot, and smelled good. I couldn’t resist. I looked and I wasn’t hungry, but the smell. Oh at times I wish I couldn’t smell anything so I wouldn’t be fooled by the smell of food! So I ate it!!!

Then it all went down hill from there.

I went to the gym about hour and a half after, and I couldn’t move. I felt my stomach was weighing me down and screaming at me constantly. It kept saying, “YOU SINNER! YOU WILL GO TO HELL! You are making me do extra work of digesting all that junk you ate all day! You ate the same amount of food you ate all week combined! Damn you. DAMN YOU TO HELL!”

Stomach won’t shut up and keeps insulting me. I am deeply offended. I don’t think I will eat ever again at this rate. However, that excludes Chocolate fudge and Coca Cola. Ehm.

I shall go now. Fight with my stomach and take a nap. Zzzz

Angry, Blah Blah, Funny, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

It is that time of year that I dread again. Every where I go, even sites I stumble are all about Valentines. Oh Valentine this, buy this for your valentine. Blah blah blaaaaaah..

There are one million reasons why I hate Valentines day, and I have historical evidence of why I do on my blog. So why do people make a big deal about it? It is just a day like any other. Why have an exaggerated Hallmark holiday ruin the lives of many people all over the world? Why make a day dedicated for love? That’s stupid. Shouldn’t we love everyone all year long (Disney psychotic thinking)?

Anyways, this Thursday is my anti-Valentines day on my blog. I got to come up with something. I shouldn’t reiterate any stories from the past, but do something REBELLIOUS!

By the way, to make this post sound more pleasant, there is one advantage of this Hallmark holiday. After Valentines day I get to rack up on chocolate candy that is on sale for 50 – 75% off at the stores (like I did after Christmas). I mean really, why have such a surplus of chocolate go wasted? There are people like me who will enjoy it gracefully in the office chair of their work.

If you disagree with me and think I am just being so negative then I dare you, and double dare you to just go up to someone you know who you don’t really like much but just an acquaintances of a sort, and give them a box of chocolates, and tell them happy Valentines day. Just do it and tell me on Thursday that that made you feel a bit better and you have served the purpose of the true meaning of why Valentines even started. Valentines day should be celebrated even with people who are not much liked (like me) and have everyone feel like they are wanted or thought about. Do it. Seriously, just go out now or tomorrow and buy a box of chocolates and plan to give it to them. Be nice! If you don’t, then really you are celebrating a selfish holiday and not spreading the love to everyone else that you know.

Either boycott it, or celebrate it to the max!

So, anyone out there going to give me chocolate? Please.. I will be waiting and I will love you forever. I am easily manipulated by chocolate.

Blah Blah, Funny, Ranting as usual!

I didn’t want to discuss this, but eventually I would have had to. So, at work, we are getting kicked out of our lab. They want us out, and we were giving two split little grad student’s rooms instead on the other side of the building.

Ehm.. yah.

So, I have been living in denial and trying to just not think about it no more and just be happy and smiling and upbeat about the move. This is our last week in the big computer lab with no windows. I have been working there since 2002. Can you imagine getting kicked out of the place that started it all?

I am just not happy and it is more of a reason that I want to leave this job. Getting out of that room is like putting behind everything for the past 5.5 years. Closing a chapter in my life. It is like ending a book that was not meant to end this way. A tragic and horrible ending that was completely unexpected. Not only that, I feel that I will never go up career wise. I was just put down so much. I feel like I am nothing. I am worth nothing at all at this job and it hurts. People grow, and I can’t at all.

At times I blame my self for all this. I should have left when I had the chance. Now, everything just fell apart and gone to the worse. Only a few more weeks at this place and I should be out. I have been job hunting like crazy. I have to leave. I don’t want to feel worse than I am. Being downgraded so badly and for what? What have I done to deserve this treatment?

Oh I forgot. I am just a programmer, nothing more.

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

People are pure evil and just plain rude. I wanted to talk about this incident a few days back when it actually happened, but I decided now is a good day for ranting about it!

My sister and I go to the gym about 5 times a week. So one night, there were lots of people in the class. (Mostly middle aged women.) The number of coats on the hanger are obviously a lot, and the odds of someone having a similar jacket to yours is high too. As we were leaving, I grabbed my jacket and my sister’s jacket. We got into the car, and my sister tried to put it on and then says, “Mona? This is not my jacket.” My jaw dropped. I said, “oh no! You sure?” She said, “YES!” So we stopped the car and went back in. My sister was carrying the jacket and looked for hers.

A lady who looked like my age or a bit younger comes up to us and says, “THAT’S MY JACKET! I was looking for it. It has my car keys!! That’s SO RUDE!! YOU GIRLS ARE RUDE” I said, “excuse me? We brought it back and we didn’t even care that it had car keys?” She said, “that’s still rude! It had my keys and I was looking all over for my jacket!” I said, “it was an accident. Get a grip!” Her friend then comes and says, “I am sorry. Don’t worry. We know it was an accident.” I said, “YAH! IT WAS!”

This all happened within a 2 minute time frame from us leaving to the car and coming back. PEOPLE ARE RUDE AND IMPATIENT! I hate people. Especially women. Women are evil! That’s why I rather talk to men. They don’t blame you and scream at you in public and say, “MY CAR KEYS! WHY YOU TOOK THEM YOU RUDE THIEF!”

I bet she drives something stupid like Ikea!

Angry, Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, They said what?