I was never meant to be a house wife, or clean with anything. I hate cleaning. It’s not that I find it difficult or time consuming and stressful, on the contrary, I find it a good way to exercise! However, I suck at it. I so suck at it that I burn and break appliances. I took a picture of the smoke and a video, but the video is a bit dark, but the picture is a good enough indication that I suck at CLEANING! Any guy out there who wants to marry me must be prepared to get me a MAID! Or suffer the consequences of me burning electrical appliances!

Here is the video of me laughing at my stupidity! I left the laptop on the floor with the headphone and everything. So the headphone wires got stuck in the vacuum. This is my attempt to take it out!

Angry, Blah Blah, Funny, Ranting as usual!

Or maybe not. Lately, at work I have not been doing anything. I haven’t for a while, and hearing last Friday’s news that all of us will no longer have jobs early next year is really sad. About 600 – 800 people. At times I think that maybe it is good to end things. To look forward for a change. I knew working for universities and grant funded organizations will not last forever. I do like a job that I love to last forever, wouldn’t we all? So, the enthusiasm at work has been really low. I never seen this many people depressed in my life. I look and wonder, wow, this is how depressed people look like. Wow.

Once you had that feeling, and seeing someone else having that feeling, it makes you wonder why life really sucks. I am not sad because of my situation. I rather be off work, I have an excuse for a nice little 2 or 3 months vacation. I just feel really sad for other people. At the same time, I will not miss the salary. I could care less about money at the moment. I will in a year or two, but not anytime soon. I planned and planned for all this. I promised my self that I will never ever be broke ever in my life. I saw what it did to other people, and I never plan to ever be in that situation again. One thing I am good at is planning for the worse case scenario.

So what is my best case scenario. No clue. I guess I want to be a millionaire and retire by 35! Don’t we all?

I guess my dream is to be a manager and lead people to contribute something positive to our world. I guess I like the satisfaction in helping others. I like it. I got used to it and I think it is a good life objective to have. I guess I am more humanitarian in my way of leading my life. I like helping others to get them to do something great!

Wow, I am being dorky today.

Aah… I guess I was thinking about this for a while of what I would really miss about my work for the past 5.5 years. Jeez. I don’t know where to begin. When you spend the age of 21- almost 27 in one place at the prime of your young adulthood you would remember so much fun times. I guess once you realize that you have to move on to bigger and better things, then you finally know that it is time to grow up and do something big and exciting in your life.

I like being young, and enjoying my 20′s. I enjoy it more with other fun people as well.

The past 3 days had made me feel closer to people at my work. Is it because we all share the same feelings now? A feeling of depression, denial, and realizing how life sucks. At this rate, I will not have to go to a psychologist anymore. I seem to be experiencing the same feelings as most of the people I know. Oh Lord! I am seriously living in denial.

I hope really for the best. I do pray to keep this job, although it drove me nuts most of the time, and things will hopefully change and we can stay to do better and greater things. I have plans, and I want the drive again to do something about it. Right now, I am at an all time low. No motivation. No caring about anything. I am just so mellow and light headed all the time. I don’t even eat out and I want to have a chicken burger and sushi so bad! **drooling for Crispy Salmon Sushi** All I buy is coffee. Boring! I am just getting food from home and barely eating once I get home. I am saving the money to start my business. The food I eat out = the money I could spend starting a small business.

I am just at an all time depression mood. Facing the reality of my current situation is really hard. Very hard. All my life I felt rejection and unloved, and now, soon, no job! Maybe it is a sign that I need to change my life completely. All that complaining I have been doing is nothing really. Reality is what I have to really complain about.

Reality SUCKS!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

Good things always come to an end.. They say always give the bad news on a Friday afternoon to their employees. To me it wasn’t bad, but something I was expecting for many years. I guess I will have to officially see how things will turn out and life will always be good if we think positively. Nothing to be sad about. This is life. Road bumps always scare us and make us unhappy, but we always have to look to the future and always think positively. That was my problem, I didn’t think positively and I prepared for everything.

I prepared for it from day one. From the day I wasn’t granted any benefits and I knew it was a temporary thing. The day I wasn’t treated equally although I was more educated and I had the drive to do more work than anyone. I refused to buy a car because why should I burden my self with something that I don’t know if I can afford in a year or two.

I was honestly prepared and I wasn’t shocked. I am not unhappy nor happy. I learned to take advantage of the situation and I took more classes and only worked 75% of the time of my official contract. I, however, still put put 100% into my work time and I worked day and night to satisfy my self.

Lately, however, I haven’t been doing any work at all. My heart was telling me to pause. To stop and wait. I needed a brake and just wait. I never took a vacation that cleared my mind for all these years that I worked.. and I was just slouching around at work to wait and see what will happen, cause everything was messed up and I was just watching to see the results.

I wasn’t going to stick around at all. It was a mistake from 3 years ago. A burden from the past. I was going to quit the moment that HE left. He left cause of me and I had a resignation letter and everything ready. I only stuck around because I liked my boss and he gave me an opportunity to do so. I really didn’t like anyone else and I absolutely did not care about anyone or anything. Half the time I didn’t agree with what my boss did or his final decisions, and ended up just fighting with him, but I treated him like someone in my family, like my brother. We fight, makeup, fight again, I sometimes don’t agree with what he decides, but in the end, it is all good and we just have to love each other cause life’s too short and only fun with all the obstacles. We can’t be happy all the time, where is the fun in that?

My heart wasn’t into this job at all, but when you look up to someone and respect them then you put up with everything you hate and you just wait and wait to see what the final outcome is.

So I think I am prepared now to officially find another job. I am not too keen about getting accepted to masters in business. I did it for fun and see if I will get in. I hate the idea of Masters in Computer Science, and I decided I will no longer take anymore courses next term and end all this continuous learning. I will just do what I was meant to do 3 years ago. Find something else! Good thing I saved over 20,000 dollars and the rest in stocks and bonds, and I still lived comfortably with paying all my loans on time. I am thankful and happy and was always smart about it.

I am sorry to the specific people who are going to read this but you will find out on Monday. Might as well hear it from me because I cannot keep anything in my heart and I have to write it down or I will seriously explode. That was the cause of my depression and sickness. So, I am just a special person who gets the news quicker because why not, I don’t like surprises and not knowing. Sorry boss.. sorry everyone else who knows me.. I just got off the phone with my best friend and I told her everything. I will not tell my parents till December when I get a new short term contract and just face reality. This is life. Good things always come to an end and life goes on.

But I am not going to be pessimistic about this, and I believe in miracles and good things will always happen if we put out hearts to it..

Who knows, maybe in the middle of this month things will change and everything will be back to normal like it was meant to be!

Oh well, if not, in a few months I will bring Squibby home and give it to my sister cause she was pissed that her goldfish died. Hehe.. other than that.. I will no longer be picky about jobs or complain.. I will take it seriously and start applying for real work starting January! Wohoo. It’s about time that I do something different in my life! It’s always good. Everything will always end up being good in the end!

Yah.. this website is really my official diary and only place to actually read and know what I am thinking. I don’t talk or express my self in real life because …. well.. I don’t want to. I made this blog for a reason, and it is to express my self truthfully.

Oh well… It was a great run, time to move on to new and better things.. The job market for technology is awesome and this is life..

Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Squibby, They said what?

As I am sitting here at work trying to put all my thoughts together, the appointment with the psychologist has put me in a horrible mood. I hate it when people tell me what’s wrong with me when I know what’s wrong. She said, “you are living in denial, and can’t express your self in any form but anger.” Great! Such a splendid thing to hear in the morning. Someone telling me what I already know. The worst part is, as I got to work, my co-workers are just watching shows or whatever on their computer. I can’t see their screens, but with their huge headphones and their hysterical laughs, it makes me wonder why should I put any effort into working anymore.

The psychologist said, “your problem is not work and people around you, it is how you react to the indifference.”

I just sat there thinking, we are all different, and people are the ones that don’t accept me as being different.

She then said, “the way you express your self is not healthy and will cause long term emotional damage which seems to have started and you are not willing to try and take another path.”

I said, “I can’t do it. I think my problem is I cannot and not willing to accept anything different than what I believe.”

She said, “you need to convince your self that life is full of changes and you have to go along with it.”

I said, “fine.. what am I supposed to do now? Change my whole belief system?”

She said, “no, you cannot change that, but you can try and listen to what others are saying and what they are doing and try to slowly understand and accept circumstances beyond your control. It is a slow change, but we cannot keep thinking and living in the past.”

I said, “I don’t think I am living in the past, but the past keeps haunting me.”

She said, “nothing is haunting you. You are just not accepting the current situations in your life.”

I said, “I guess not.”

She said, “you need to think positively and not let others’ behavior and words get to you. You are suffering from denial.”

She then talked of other methods and self help tips and I was totally ignoring her and didn’t care anymore.

I had to make another appointment and visit her in a month to see how my behavior has changed.

Now I have a huge headache..

Ranting as usual!, They said what?

So she got up and walked about – rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, “and if I really am a Queen,” she said, as she sat down again,

“I shall be able to manage it quite well in time.”

—-

I don’t know where to begin. I feel that my world is collapsing before my eyes. This is how it feels to be angry. Not angry with people. Not angry of those I love and respect. I am angry with my self. Angry of what has become of me. I have become this shrewed person who can master the art of hatred.

I don’t hate others as much I hate my self right now. My mind is thinking in a thousand directions at the moment wondering what my next step is. My problem is that I just think too much. Every possibility. Every step I take. I just think too much.

For those who have been keeping up with my thoughts the past week might think it has anything to with with work or doctors or whatever. No it doesn’t. It is because I lost my path. I lost the direction that I wanted and I set to my self.

Since an early age.. I had one direction, with time, that direction kept getting swayed. I kept trying to put it back to the right path, and it kept swaying more. It got to the point where it went off tangent. I couldn’t stop it. Now, the tangent has been broken. There is no longer a direction in my life. No path to take. I am just here. That’s all. Just here.

You may wonder what the hell I am talking about. I will tell you this. I can no longer manage my sanity in any form. I no longer love. I no longer hate. I no longer feel anything that is worth living for.

You may ask why? Why all this melancholy and anger?

Simple. I can’t stand anything anymore. I am angry. I am furious with everyone and everything. I can’t stand what I currently have and I can’t get out of it. I am trapped in this bubble that is in me. A bubble that I have created and made sure it wouldn’t burst. Now I am suffocating within it. I trapped my self in my own shield.

I guess when you try too hard to perfect something, all you get in the end a mere approval and no recognition. That’s my life. Full of accomplishments. Full of events and memories that I can boast about it. But no one to recognize me with.

You may wonder why I want all this if I want to be left alone?

Do we always say what we want in life? Are we ever going to tell others how we really feel and what we really want in return?

I wish I can just allow that barrier between the tip of my tongue to evaporate. To vanish so I can just become this unbearable person who doesn’t give a shit anymore and not think and feel guilty about every word she says. I really do.

Unfortunately, it is not the case. The more anger one feels, the more sorrow they feel. The more sadness their heart feels about anything.

I don’t believe it when some people I know tell me, “oh I have no feelings. I don’t care what others think of me.”

BULL SHIT!

When a person says that, that means that is ALL they are thinking about.

You know what sucks about us being intelligent human beings? That we CAN read through other people’s eyes! It’s funny how we really don’t need to have the sense of hearing, and the sense of speech to communicate. We just need to look at one another and see the truth. It’s simple. Just try it one time. Seek the truth for once. Don’t believe the rubbish that comes out of someone’s mouth. Just look at them and you will know.

So I am resentful of life. Resentful of my life. I hate every part of it to the point where I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. This is the point where one would loose the purpose of life. I guess I lost it. I think I lost it long time ago, but now I realized it. I feel sorry for my self that my realization came this late. It really does.

—

“I told them once, I told them twice: they would not listen to advice.”

“Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!