It’s early AM and I have been awake since 2:30. I am still sleeping on the couch in the living room. My bed is not that great and I tried sitting on it yesterday and it was more painful than a needle touching your finger. I am just so tired. I have been sitting in the same location since Sunday. I can walk now but my feet are killing me when I do. My back is somewhat better but I am still taking meds. I wonder what will happen when I completely stop.

It’s thundering and raining really hard outside. I can hear it and even see rays of light coming through the thick drapes. I honestly like the sound of rain, but obviously not thunder. Thunder here actually shakes our house if it is strong. So it is not that pleasant of a feeling when you come from war torn countries and hearing a bomb like sound outside.

So I can’t sleep. You want to know why? Well, I got so tired of taking medicines last night, that I didn’t take my sleeping one. It is supposed to make you drowsy and not feel any pain. So I didn’t want to take it and sleep on my own. Well, 3 hours later and I was awake! Yaay. I kept hearing a party in my head telling me to wake up and stay awake.

I spent my time surfing the web with my handicapped wireless laptop. The wireless indicator is saying “very slow signal.” And I have to agree, it is S L O W. I feel that I am surfing the web with dial up. Man… I can’t imagine surfing the web anymore using dial up. I just remember the annoying phone sound that it made to connect.

My head really hurts now. I feel dizzy and moody. I feel like hitting something really hard just for the pleasure. I think I am psychotic, but this is what happens when meds and sleep deprivation meet.

Has anyone ever thought why the internet became so popular? I can tell you why!! It’s because there are psychos like me infesting it with our addictive wisdom and witty sayings. You know you want to read more. I can come up with lots of stuff to say. I am full of words of wisdom.

How about this ladies. Say you are in a crowd of people and you spot an attractive handsome man. What do you do?

1. Do you approach him.
2. Do you just keep staring at him.
3. Make it your life mission to stalk him.
4. Ask your friends if they know him.
5. Set up a trip wire and make him fall next you.

I go for number 5. Why you might ask? Simple. Why should a girl initiate all the moves, when she can easily make him fall next to her?

Aye.. I am a bit crazy. I have to make that clear. If you ever see me posting another post this early, then you know I am operating with half mental capacity. The other half is hovering in outer space waiting for the engine to fire up again and come back.

This post is pointless and just a bunch of ramblings. I will post it anyways.

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I am in therapy, and this is what I do to kill the unproductive hours at work.

Click to enlarge images.

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As I sat there reading his emails, one after the other I realized that my past life is over. Every time I read one, and saw what my reply was, I thought to my self that the way I wrote to him was the same as I wrote on my blog. Same style and assertive tone. I wasn’t mean. I only became mean in the end. The last few emails and my blog ideology were identical.

I always wondered why I was such an expressive writer. It’s because of all the emails. People who know me in person know that I communicate mostly via writing such as: emails, text messages, and chat. In the final year that I knew him, the only communication that we had was through email or text messages. He didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, but he used email to show his true colours. The colours were a bit faded, but I increased the contrast to see better. I really did.

I pity my self till this day that I used this blog as revenge. Revenge to not only him, but anyone that bothered me. I made it public, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t end what I started, and I let it be the tool to end everything. I had to end it. No other method worked. I wanted to end it by hate. It was the only way that I could think of. I became heartless towards him and made him hate me and hate everyone around me. I knew he was weak, and those who are weak are easily manipulated and believe anything you say. He believed it. I ended it.

I spent all day reading, and all day deleting. That’s all I did.

I think my life is meaningless. I can honestly say that if I put everything I have ever achieved as an individual into perspective than I have not accomplished anything. I don’t even know why at times I am still alive or what my purpose in this life is. I am 27 and I feel I have not done anything in my life. I used to have grand plans all laid out for me to follow, and nothing I ever wanted to do was accomplished. Then I see other people that have everything that I ever wanted, and think to my self, “why not me? What haven’t I done right?”

I always thought that life is completely unfair, but I just kept my mouth shut and just went to sleep every night hoping that maybe, just maybe tomorrow I can have something to look forward to. I have nothing anymore. I kept trying, kept praying, kept hoping that maybe, just some day life will be better. I just feel that I am kept being pushed down more and more.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for my self. No one ever cried and felt sorry for me, so at least I am doing something for my self.

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So I have been so so lazy lately. I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday. I am too lazy to go and I just don’t feel like sweating. The weather has been horrible. It snowed today! It’s almost the end of March and it still snows. For the first time in my life, I am actually sick of winter. It actually makes me depressed and I am just tired of it.

I took that video with my cell phone cam while I was bored standing 15 min for a late bus. The snow was blowing on my face that I kept singing, “I hate snow! I hate snow!” in a childish voice, and people kept staring at me. I didn’t care. I was sick of it as much as them!

I want to go to sleep, but I drank coffee at 9 pm. Who does that? ME! Now I feel like it is my 8 am hour and I am half dozed off trying to wake up!

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I just threw up now. (Gross thing to say at the beginning of any blog post.) I think that delicious lasagna I made and ate before going to the gym to vent out all my energy had really took a turn to the wrong side eh? So I put everything into perspective and I think that’s almost every person’s dilema in life. We all have problems right? Some are bigger than others. Some are too big that it over rides our thinking and way of life, and others are too insignificant. Right?

Why can’t we just stop revolving our life around ONE problem and just balance our selves? Why can’t we just not make it a priority in our life. Nothing is a big problem or any problem as long as we make it as one. What do we think is more important to us and why? Is it? Do we just think it is a priority because it “seems” that way? We should just change our priorities in life. We should no longer base our lives around one thing. It will ruin us. It will make us seem old before our time.

I am sick of thinking, feeling and looking old. I want a change.

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First and for most, I would like to thank everyone who participated in this blog event. It is a great way to find more interesting reads and interact with one another a bit more. I am so happy with the results thus far, and I noticed that so many people have written a post ahead of time and automatically published it at midnight of the 27th. So I am doing the same. So technically I have written this post long long time ago, and I am currently sleeping and dreaming of Hawaii! :P

So, I have a huge list of RSS feeds of all kinds of people’s writings. However, I got new favorites and old favorites. I couldn’t come up with only one. I like lots!

My favorites are:

Moey’s: he is quite a character. I love his blog for three reasons.

1. he is a graphics designer and damn good at it
2. he doesn’t give a crap about what he writes and who criticizes him
3. his satire and humour towards certain subjects is quite comical to read. I find it hilarious and I actually laugh out loud. (See how I spelled out lol!)

Diary of Asoom: this girl is too smart! Way smart that there is hope for the evolution of Arab girl’s mentalities. I love her blog so much that I actually enjoy reading her thoughts. I feel smarter when I read it and I feel someone else is writing the same things I was about to write. Asma gives me some of that writer’s smartness! This is my favorite post of hers about giggling girls which I couldn’t agree more and make me want to smack down every half brained female out there!

ChiKapaPPi: this girl can seriously make you want to get off your seat and shake your booty! lool This girl is awesome.. She writes about anything. I mean ANYTHING. Even the slippers she is wearing she would take a pic and make you laugh and wonder why she is posting about it! One day she is happy, the next pissed off and then suddenly she is happy. She is a roller coaster of dramatic comedy! I can’t wait for her 3 or 4 posts a day!

and last but not let’s forget..

ME! I hate and love my blog. Honestly, if I wasn’t writing this blog and just a visitor, I would be so attracted to the craziness and messed up thoughts of the writings. I would also hate it because of my stubbornness and my over honesty of my thoughts. What Arabic girl thinks that way? You guys want to know something? I NEVER EVER EVER RE-READ WHAT I HAVE WRITTEN ON MY BLOG! I just post and let people comment. Sometimes I reply, and other times I ignore because half the time I forget what I have written and I am too lazy to read it again. Symbolically, I characterize my self as a sloth. “Sloths move only when necessary and even then very slowly.” *coughing* Ehm ehm…

Honestly, I regret ever making a blog for the wrong reasons but I can’t get enough of it! I was also told that my site is purely a Dramatic Comedy that people cannot believe how moody, honest, and funny I am. I can’t help what I am. In the end, I like to bitch, complain, and entertain. You see, I can rhyme! Maybe I will start singing soon.. I got a kick ass ugly voice just like most singers out there!

Anyways.. I love everyone else’s blog as well. I read a lot like I said. My blog roll does not contain the only blogs I read. I got many others in my RSS feed reader as well.

Thanks again for participating. Until next year. Same time, same place, maybe new favorites!

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Wow tenth day, how exciting.. We are now in the double digits and moving along greatly. I am still wearing my cool PJ’s that my mom hates. It says on it “Little Miss Chatterbox.” It’s pink, has a weird cartoon character and it is just funny! What’s wrong with it? Anyways, I didn’t leave the house today, I swore I will not spend a penny from now till the end of the month. I am tired of spending. I swear sometimes I want to rip my debit card in half! It’s so absurd this month. However, from now till the end of the year I want to regain all the money I over spent the past 3 or 4 months and look back on the year as a year where I have managed to save some money.

I just finished eating, and mom made lovely food as usual. Love my mom for her cooking! Hehe. Anyways, my dad bought a Black Forest cake. My sister impatiently gobbled it down because there are two things in life she loves. Mashed Potatoes and CAKE. I sat there eating it slowly, and I was like blah.. this is dry. I want something nice and warm to get along with it. So I boiled some water and went to look for a mini tea pot or anything in the dining room cabinet.

I couldn’t find a small metal one. I thought my brother got some from Turkey a few years ago. I then found mom and asked her. She said, “in there, bottom cabinet.” I then opened it and said, “no this is too big. I want tiny.” She said, “I don’t know, keep looking.” So I looked around and saw a porcelain tea pot set. I thought fine, I will use it. Although I saw it the first time but didn’t want it. So I took it to the kitchen to wash it first. My dad was standing in the kitchen making Turkish coffee. I opened it and saw dollar bills.

I said to my dad, “what is this?” I took it out and it was 100 dollar bills, but it wasn’t Canadian, it was American. My dad held it and said, “yes this is American 100 dollar bills.” He called my mom and told her. My mom took the money and said, “oh my GOD! Where did you find it? I think I put it in there years ago. How much is it worth now.” My dad disappointendly said, “same! Dollar Canadian is equal to American now!” Mom said, “thank you Mona so much, what should we do! This is 500 dollars. Let’s keep it till the Canadian Dollar goes down again.” I laughed and said, “you want me to look in any more pots or anywhere else in the house. You seem to have a habit of hiding money EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE that seems to have a top to it!” She was just so happy and speechless. My dad then said, “since you are always lucky and God loves you, you want to go check my lottery ticket!” I said, “no, I am afraid if we win, one of us will have a heart attack.” He said, “that is my biggest fear in life, to win the lotto!” I laughed and said, “maybe you should stop buying them!”

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Sometimes I wonder about what I am unconsciously thinking. I walk sometimes alone or sitting there staring at a computer screen and suddenly I think I am in another world. I feel sometimes that I am talking to my self telling a story. Too many thoughts in my head that make me question my life. My purpose. My daily activities. Today I think I completely lost that barrier of reality and day dreaming.

My problem since I was young that I day dream too much. Many times I forget where I am or what I am doing. I usually don’t realize it and just think it was nothing. Just pure day dreams. Nothing more and I seldom remember what I was doing or thinking. I couldn’t put one and one together.

Today, however, I think I completely lost it. I was walking this morning and all of a sudden I heard my self telling a story. I was the narrator. I kept throwing names and kept saying in my head, “she said …” and then “he said …”

It was absurd. I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I was thinking very unrelated things. Too many events of he said and she said. As I stopped walking and heard noises I looked up and saw people talking. I forgot completely what I was thinking. Who said what? Was I repeating in my head things that people around me were saying? Was I making up anything in my head of stories to pass the time of walking?

As I got to work I sat down and I just wanted to keep my self preoccupied with anything. Looking at the computer screen was too painful because my eye was in pain. I kept closing my eye, but the moment I closed my eyes I felt like I was drugged and my head felt heavy. Extremely heavy.  I just kept looking at the screen or closing my eyes for about an hour. Then I couldn’t stand it no more and I just pushed the laptop away from me and just tried my best not to look at the screen.

I just felt an extreme repulsion and hate towards that screen. Towards the computer. I tried to do something else, so I took out a book to read, but I couldn’t and I couldn’t find any interest in it. I just felt dead and nothing.

I kept trying to move around, and just walk around, in and out of the lab for a bit. After 2 and a half hours, I just stopped and just stared at my fish and turtle, and I just stopped thinking, or feeling, or anything.  I just don’t know what was happening to me.

Half the time, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I delusional? Am I loosing my sanity slowly? I know my blog does not do me any justice. Half the things I wrote in the past are complete rubbish when I read them again. Most of the time I don’t read what I wrote again because I always wondered what was wrong with me the moment I typed. The moment my fingers touched the keys; the words it was writing, the sentences and paragraphs it was creating. Was I angry,  happy, content, aggravated, sad, or lonely?

Who knows, half the time who knows what I write. Half the time I don’t know what I say or think. Sometimes I just have these really bad headaches and can’t remember a thing? Am I suffering from amnesia? I don’t know.

Maybe I am slowly loosing my grip on reality because I spent the past twenty-six years refusing to accept it.

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Today was just another day for me. My mom wanted to go to the mall this morning to grab some stuff and I said, “oh oh.. can I come too!!” So I went with her and she wanted to grab some groceries. I told her I want cerial for breakfast. I am tired of eating sandwiches. I really don’t like eating sandwiches that early in the day.

As the day progressed I spent it reading books and browsing the net. As I was reading in my bed, I fell asleep. It seems that I always fall asleep around 5:00 pm and wake up at 6:00 pm. My late afternoon nap. Hehe.

Although it was a fairly cold day today, my brother decided to bbq anyways. We are bbq family. We love it so much that my dad and brother built a bbq in the backyard. Hehe. I like bbq my self. So we had bbq chicken, burgers, and hot dogs. It was good and I am so full that I felt so sick.

I am watching the Emmy’s now and I just keeping Sopranos and Grey’s Anatomy actors/actresses winning. Oh well!

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