I am in therapy, and this is what I do to kill the unproductive hours at work.

Click to enlarge images.

Depressed, Sleepy Post, Whatever!

As I sat there reading his emails, one after the other I realized that my past life is over. Every time I read one, and saw what my reply was, I thought to my self that the way I wrote to him was the same as I wrote on my blog. Same style and assertive tone. I wasn’t mean. I only became mean in the end. The last few emails and my blog ideology were identical.

I always wondered why I was such an expressive writer. It’s because of all the emails. People who know me in person know that I communicate mostly via writing such as: emails, text messages, and chat. In the final year that I knew him, the only communication that we had was through email or text messages. He didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, but he used email to show his true colours. The colours were a bit faded, but I increased the contrast to see better. I really did.

I pity my self till this day that I used this blog as revenge. Revenge to not only him, but anyone that bothered me. I made it public, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t end what I started, and I let it be the tool to end everything. I had to end it. No other method worked. I wanted to end it by hate. It was the only way that I could think of. I became heartless towards him and made him hate me and hate everyone around me. I knew he was weak, and those who are weak are easily manipulated and believe anything you say. He believed it. I ended it.

I spent all day reading, and all day deleting. That’s all I did.

Sleepy Post, They said what?

I think my life is meaningless. I can honestly say that if I put everything I have ever achieved as an individual into perspective than I have not accomplished anything. I don’t even know why at times I am still alive or what my purpose in this life is. I am 27 and I feel I have not done anything in my life. I used to have grand plans all laid out for me to follow, and nothing I ever wanted to do was accomplished. Then I see other people that have everything that I ever wanted, and think to my self, “why not me? What haven’t I done right?”

I always thought that life is completely unfair, but I just kept my mouth shut and just went to sleep every night hoping that maybe, just maybe tomorrow I can have something to look forward to. I have nothing anymore. I kept trying, kept praying, kept hoping that maybe, just some day life will be better. I just feel that I am kept being pushed down more and more.

I just want to cry and feel sorry for my self. No one ever cried and felt sorry for me, so at least I am doing something for my self.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Sleepy Post

So I have been so so lazy lately. I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday. I am too lazy to go and I just don’t feel like sweating. The weather has been horrible. It snowed today! It’s almost the end of March and it still snows. For the first time in my life, I am actually sick of winter. It actually makes me depressed and I am just tired of it.

I took that video with my cell phone cam while I was bored standing 15 min for a late bus. The snow was blowing on my face that I kept singing, “I hate snow! I hate snow!” in a childish voice, and people kept staring at me. I didn’t care. I was sick of it as much as them!

I want to go to sleep, but I drank coffee at 9 pm. Who does that? ME! Now I feel like it is my 8 am hour and I am half dozed off trying to wake up!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post, Whatever!

I just threw up now. (Gross thing to say at the beginning of any blog post.) I think that delicious lasagna I made and ate before going to the gym to vent out all my energy had really took a turn to the wrong side eh? So I put everything into perspective and I think that’s almost every person’s dilema in life. We all have problems right? Some are bigger than others. Some are too big that it over rides our thinking and way of life, and others are too insignificant. Right?

Why can’t we just stop revolving our life around ONE problem and just balance our selves? Why can’t we just not make it a priority in our life. Nothing is a big problem or any problem as long as we make it as one. What do we think is more important to us and why? Is it? Do we just think it is a priority because it “seems” that way? We should just change our priorities in life. We should no longer base our lives around one thing. It will ruin us. It will make us seem old before our time.

I am sick of thinking, feeling and looking old. I want a change.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Sleepy Post