It’s been a year since I saw him. A year of misery I had to endure and a year where I had to fight all temptation and live through agony and hate of my life. I have been thinking about this for the past week or so, of how my life has been and how much it has changed over the past year. I was having a conversation with my friend about this and she was asking me, “will you ever go back to him since he seem to still care in his own way?” I knew if I said yes that maybe she had hope for her love to get back to her. It was her way to give her self some hope of her future through my actions. I told her simply without hesitation, “when the glass has been broken and shattered to many pieces, how can you put it back together? With what glue and where to start?”

I wanted to sound as cold and careless about this subject matter as much as I can. Last time he emailed me saying, “lots of people brake up, so what?” In my head I thought, “why was he still bothering to contact me then and arguing back. Why was he still constantly checking this blog and trying to see what’s up with my life?”

Maybe he is hoping that I have moved on and found someone else and maybe he can go on with his life. I don’t know what is going in his head, I never knew what was going on really, and I was never able to understand such a person. Also, I wasn’t anything special. I know I am nothing special. I am just like any other Arab girl. I have noting unique about me or anything. Maybe I am being too harsh about my self. I know I am a unique person. I did change a lot and I know that I have.

I have become stronger as a person, however too emotional. I cannot stand anything or even hearing stories about relationships and love. I don’t even like romance movies anyways, I only watch action and suspense. I don’t even like going to weddings or engagement parties. I feel jealous and hateful towards other people’s love that I feel like crying during the ceremony and at times I do. I keep telling my self, why did theirs work out and I couldn’t maintain mine. I just find it hard to understand. I always think what if we are meant to be with one person in this life, and that’s it. What if you only fall in love once and that’s it?

These thoughts always puzzle me. I tried many times to talk to different people, to move on and meet others. I just cannot force my self to have more than one conversation with that person. I loose interest so quickly and I just ignore. Maybe deep down inside my head I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to fall in love because of the fear of falling in love again. The emotional turmoil and sadness I would have to endure all over again.

I know this is not a positive way of thinking about this. However, what am I supposed to do. Things have changed the past year in my head. My perception of life and love and love and life has changed completely. It got to the point where I hate it and I am disgusted by it. By the way life is. I just can’t stand how much a person sacrifices for the person they love, and they are not appreciated and not loved back. It is just sad.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Lately I have been silent.. even mentality silent. I just don’t have too much thoughts and reaction towards life. It has been so monotone and quiet. I don’t know why. I just got to the point where I want to be quiet. I want to take a brake from thinking.

I want to just be thinking happy thoughts. .. yah that sounded bad.. anyways.. really, I just don’t want to think or rant or take life too seriously. I am going to enjoy reading some books. I am addicted to reading Harry Potter books. I am still on the first one. Six more to go. I will finish the first one in the next day or two. The books are way better than the movies! hehehe..

Anyways.. I am off to reading and then off to sleep. However, I am really thirsty and I just finished the second bottle of water. It’s extremely hot outside. I got a tan line on my leg wearing my capri gym pants.. :S Stupid pants and stupid son  killing me!! I am so dark now!!

God I talk too much.. good nightzz!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Here is the problem in my house hold, which caused my uncontrollable anger and disturbed thoughts. It may have caused this whole problem of me to begin with! Anger. When one person is pissed off at the other, then they take it out on someone else. In this case me. It’s a horrible domino effect. You have parents who continuously fight over the stupidest things which leads to no talking to each other. Then they pick a target to throw more of their anger on, in this case, me. It’s ridiculous. The problem is that it got to the point where I am getting disgusted by it. I no longer can stand living within these walls anymore.

At times I wish I was deaf or blind. This way I don’t have to see or hear anything anymore. I would be happy. Just living in silent darkness where nothing can bother me. I then wonder how long do I have to endure this childish behavior from adults. It’s becoming such a stupid occasional routine.

I mean this is Arabs.. the old Arabs that is. The ones who get mad and angry and just tend to ignore each other and put the kids in the middle of it. Our generation seems to just get a divorce instead. I know girls who got divorced the night after the wedding, or during the wedding party where the bride just leaves the hall. I am not saying that divorce is ok. Obviously it is not. That’s why you have to learn to communicate and marry someone not for their looks or money! Sadly, even love seems to be such a common word that is lost all meaning. It’s just the society we live in, this angry fast paced society where people can’t stand one another. It’s just sad. No compromises. Nothing. Just anger! I am so sick of it. I wish I was not an angry person and just be calm and uncaring. Kind of cold with no emotions. It’s the only way to live without a headache!

Sleepy Post, They said what?, Whatever!

It only takes me one eye to see, one hand to hold, and one mouth to scream.. What am I?

Updated: Rich from DC got the right answer.. It is a TEAPOT!

Sleepy Post, They said what?

All I hear is people’s obsession with Harry Potter. I never seen any of the movies until yesterday. Yesterday I went to the book store, Chapters, and it was the night before the new Harry Potter book! Everyone was there waiting. Sitting in lines. Waiting for the release of the new book! This was nothing. The employees there were all dressed like they were characters from the book. The entire book store was changed in decoration to be the same as the story. I was like WTF! Why all this obsession! Why is everyone reading this book and watching the movies for! So I decided to buy the first book! I was like I am reading this crap no matter what. Not only that, I went and bought the whole DVD set. (On Sale) 8 dvd set of all the Harry Potter 4 movies.

So last night I watched the first one. I was like wow. I was like double wow. After all these years, after so many crappy fantasy movies I have seen in the past, this tops them all! I was like wow. I want to see the rest. Since today I was out all day and I didn’t have time to watch it. I got 3 more to go, and the first book to read. Hehehe. I am reading far too many books at once, but dammit. I want to be like the rest of those obsessed people. I want to read and watch Harry Potter!

Sleepy Post, Whatever!