One thing about me is that I have lived most of my young adult life as two persons. My thoughts and actions in front of certain people is not the same to others. At times I forget who I am talking to and my true self vaguely shines to the open. It is something I want to try to hide. I try to live a life not surrounded by Arabs. The problems with Arabs in the western world is that they form small communities. Communities filled with talk, gossip, and waiting for a problematic member of their clan to spurt out into the open to be a victim of “the talk.” For my case I never feared it. I never did anything wrong. Well I had a stupid worthless boyfriend for 4 years but managing to hide it from my parents and most people I know was a superb accomplishment. Let’s not talk about that now. It’s like opening Pandora’s box all over again.

So what have I managed to hide over the years? Many things. The trips out of town. The nights out dancing, and going out all night to some cafes and crazy places. (by the way.. this was only until I was 21/22) ..

Then one day things just changed. I wasn’t enjoying life at all. My crazy life ended and I felt that doomsday has hit me and left me in a dark unknown place. However, the worst part is, I let it suck me in slowly. I became gloomy. It wasn’t that I was a crazy wild child that people knew. On the contrary, I was more discreet about it. I just learned that to enjoy life I have to stay busy. Always keep my self busy no matter what my day brings me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about anything else. That has always been my dilemma in life. I have problems expressing my self and I keep things to my self. I just don’t know how to let it out. I know how to talk about anything, but my thoughts, my immediate thoughts that are supposed to come out of my head at a certain time and situation will not come out. I used to always be afraid. I lived in fear. However, fear of what?

So I discovered I have a phobia. One of the most common phobias that people suffer from. The fear of rejection. From ANY situation. I just don’t like someone to tell me that is wrong. You are not good. You don’t deserve this. You are not qualified, you are not smart. Anything that is offensive to me as an individual. I don’t accept criticism very well. I tend to feel great pain and worthlessness. I feel like nothing. I tend to take anything personally. I just don’t like to be attacked. The reason is that I don’t know how to attack people. I have a fear of retaliating and having more offensive comments thrown at my face. So I just tend to ignore to a point where I blow up without thinking!

What did I do to stop this absurd situation? I started fighting with people. Letting my true self come out. My anger level has risen to a point where others can’t stand me anymore. I didn’t want people to think I am nothing and just walk all over me. I just don’t know where the middle ground lies. I see life as black and white. Evil and good. That’s it! What was I supposed to do? Really?

I lost my temper. My anger level has over came my actions that many times I just retaliated by angry thoughts and words and actions. It is not me. It was never me. I have always been calm and just wanted to be left alone. However, till when? My other problem is that I learned to show a happy face. I learned to just smile and people will smile back and not say anything negative. That seems to work. That keeps me grounded at a nice good level. Unfortunately, my personality has become like a pendulum. An uncontrollable momentum, no force to keep it leveled to one side. Nothing. It just goes left to right instantly. My double personality is uncontrollable. I just don’t know how to stop it. When to stop it. I feel like a Gemini!

I wish I can just reach a safe momentum and find a peaceful, rational, and controllable thoughts all the time. I need to manage my self. It is the hardest thing to do in life! Be your own manager!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I am currently on my mini 4 day weekend vacation. Monday is Victoria Day in Canada and we wanted today to be a holiday too. Why not? We work a lot.. well I work a lot and I needed a brake from drawing and making games. I didn’t even bring my laptop home to do any work. I was like ehhhh.. I don’t want to pack it up and bring it home. So anyways.. I slept like a dead beat last night at around 10 pm. I was watching a movie and I was seriously drowsing off and I was like aaah.. I want to pause it. So I paused it and turned off my TV. I woke up then at around 5 am. I was like grrr.. so I snoozed off and I woke up again at 6. Aaah.. so I just sat there. I felt major pain in my nose. Like something on the tip of my nose that has bit me. So I touched it and I felt a large head. I was like holy crap. But since it was only 6 am.. I snoozed again.. then I got up and saw the HORROR!!!!!

I got up.. looked at the mirror and I saw a huge pimple with a white head, but it was inflated. My nose was so red. I had little white spots around my nose. I said wtf! Seriously wtf is this. So painful! I tried to show my mom and she is like what is this! My eyes were all watery. My eyes were so red and my nose all runny. So I washed my nose to cool it off since it was so red and hot and bam……… the pimple popped! It was wide too!! GROSS! Not only that. My nose friggen hurt! It hurts like hell. Like something is constantly biting me.

Later in the afternoon I went to the mall. I had to cover my nose’s redness by shimmering goldish powder. Booo. From red to shiny gold! So as I got inside the mall.. within a few minutes I felt like I was going to loose my breath. My eyes got all watery and my nose started to drip. I was like shit. I need tissue now! So I got some and it calmed me down.. a few minutes later I decided to get my self some dairy queen goodness.. (I am an ice cream whore).. anyways.. .. so after that I felt fine. I guess the coldness helped me out. After that we went to Wall Mart. As we were walking around.. I got to the shampoo / perfumes area. The moment I got there my eyes started watering and tears coming down and I couldn’t breath well. I was like “give me tissues now!!”.. and my brother was like holy shit.. don’t DIE on us here! I was like can we leave NOW! .. as we went outside I was a bit better.

My brother is saying that Hay fever is around and I may have caught it.. also that I have to completely dust my room and clean everything! I was like .. I HATE CLEANING!!

So now I am at home. I made my self a hot cup of tea and I squeezed a bit of lemon juice in it. It is helping but I still feel so sick. Aggh.. why me.. why me!!

I want to breath and look normal again..

Ranting as usual!, Sleepy Post, Whatever!

Now it hit me.. I thought maybe this may take a while to hit me.. but it did. I finally feel the complete utter boredom of life. I just don’t know sometimes why I am still alive. I have such a boring repetitive life. I can’t stand it anymore. I am seriously debating moving away. I am tired of my city and the people here. I think a while ago I promised my self that once I hit the 5 year mark of working that I will look for another job. I have been debating it and I am seriously considering it now. I just need to go away. Experience new things. I am hoping to just move away by the upcoming year. I can’t continue living such a boring life. A friend of mine got a job promotion recently.. and she is climbing up the ladder.. and what about me? Than other people are getting married and moving on with their lives and starting a family and I am just sitting here suffering of boredom and lifeless pursuits.

I just can’t stand this anymore. I need to give my resume to my friend since she is the ultimate manager type hirer and get my act together. I am tired of waking up in the morning taking the stupid bus and sitting in the same stupid chair for 5 years. Why am I bitching about work now? I don’t have a problem with work.. I just got bored of life. People around me are changing.. moving on with their lives.. doing fun and interesting things.. and I am just work work work.. I work every day.. I am asked to do so much and I feel others are doing nothing or putting little effort in what they do! They just work for the money and not care about anything..ÂÂ? I don’t get a permanent position from work.. no benefits nothing.. no real job security in any way.. I have been lying to my parents since I started working full time that I am a permanent great employee.. yet I know I am nothing and I am treated like I am just a programmer. (that’s what I really am! nothing more.. ) Even my brother the other day asked me if I will have move up and become something different since I have been working for so long.. what am I suppose to say? I need to do something more exciting.. I want to see new things.. experience new things in life.

My problem is that I am too easy going.. not too demanding.. just taking life one step at a time with no real path.. that’s always been my problem.. but I don’t know how to take charge.. I used to. Now I just don’t. I don’t know how anymore. I don’t know what I am capable of doing. I don’t know what I really want anymore. I used to want so much. Now I just don’t know what I want.

Aah this is a reminder to my self if I read this article again tomorrow.. I need to seriously get a hearing test done again.. I think I am getting half way deaf in my right ear. It’s been bugging me and I got tired of asking people to repeat them selves. Maybe that’s another one of my problems.. My slow deafness! Arrghhh.. That’s another thing that scares me.. that I will become deaf in one ear..

Yes it sucks to be me. I know. This rebellious thing is just an act. I am not rebellious. Just a lifeless hating person.

Ranting as usual!, Sleepy Post, Whatever!

Well.. today was an interesting day. I got in trouble this morning from my boss because I am moody and sick of working on the same thing over and over. I just got sick of it! I feel like I am making something for non appreciative people. I swear. If they decide out of no where that they don’t like it, they will just decide, oh we are willing to pay 10,000 dollars for a stupid redesign from an external company and would rather treat me like crap.. I just can’t believe I flipped on my boss. I always feel like he is the middle man who has to suffer from crazy women. I am the craziest of them all! I think I am the worst person to deal with because I am so stubborn and so moody! I also think I have serious frustrations and I feel like putting it out on somebody. My boss was the victim. Sorry! ……. but… (Standing ovation to me).. I mean (cut my head off now!) .. I am so bad.. one day my attitude will seriously get me fired when my boss comes to his senses and realizes I am a nut case! (Maybe he thinks that now.. ) I know that for sure.

He also said I am a bad communicator. Me? .. hell ya! I agree. I will not deny that. I suck at talking.. but I don’t like whining either, so I don’t talk! That’s why I have a blog.. (The main reason!)..cause I friggen will flip on people because I have this mental problem thinking that people around me are not like me! I like things done a certain way and for a reason. I love to ask why, how, when, done! That’s my philosophy. I am a doer! I like things to have an aim and purpose and to get it done! I don’t like to flip flop.. boo.. it’s the worse thing for me to deal with!

Anyways.. so today I went to my first Jazzercise class. I dragged my sister too. Although she was way better than me! The class was great. I felt like I was awaken from my lazy ass sitting on the chair all day job and forcing my self to dance! We did Salsa, cha cha, tango, crazy aerobics! How do I feel now? Well I was dying. Literally, I felt like I was going to faint, but I was like dammit! My stupid little brat of a sister will not beat my lazy ass!! I will show her that my ass is not lazy but sleepy and needs to be awaken.

Funny, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post, They said what?

Sometimes I feel so lost in my own world. I am just unusually happy sometimes, and other times I am very depressed. Right now I don’t know why I am writing. I don’t know what to really talk about. I had this unusual recollection of the past that it is hurting me from the inside. I keep looking back at my life and I fully regret it. I am having real hard time adjusting or even changing. I want to, but I don’t know how. I lived my life setting one path. No other direction ever crossed my mind. When one path failed, the direction has been skewed to the unknown. I feel lost in my own world.

I was reading about palmistry the other day because it seems to be the new hype. However, I sometimes look at both my hands. The lines on one of my hands is completely different than the other. There are some similarities, but I really don’t know what’s the big fuss? My lines are all over, branched, oddly shaped. So why so many people claim they can tell the future from it?

I really don’t care. It’s like my obsession with reading horoscopes. I just find it amusing. I don’t believe in it, but I like to read character traits of people and see if this person’s zodiac is similar to his/her proclaimed character traits.

I just think sometimes that there will be no hope in me. I just feel like everything I have ever built up to has just fallen apart. The more I try to stand on my feet; the more I pull my self back. I lack confidence in my self. I killed all hope in my self. I try to keep my self busy. I try to keep a positive outlook to the future. But the more I try, I feel like everything around me is against me. I cannot work on anything or do anything without being judged and ridiculed. Why do people pick on me? It’s not like I try hard or try to do anything that is overly preposterous.

I have also become an overly critical person. I just can’t stand some people’s actions. I used to be this very shy person that never spoke. People thought I was a mute! Now I am this angry critical person. I do it to people’s faces! It’s shocking to my self. A lot of times I cannot control my anger cause people piss me off so much. I don’t know what to do.

Now I look back, I really do read all my blog posts from the past. I try to, just to see how much I changed. How my writing tone has differed over the months. It’s really strange reading what you have written from months or even years ago.

I wonder if I will be reading or writing in this blog 10 years from now?

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post