Thinking..
A couple of days ago my friend came over again from TO… and we went out to sushi, and she asked me if “he” tried to contact me at all the past few weeks. I told her no. So bluntly. I told her he blocked me off MSN after 5 years and I really don’t care. However, do I care? I kept thinking about this. Do I care anymore about the past? Not really. I am just really mellow about it. I don’t really care anymore. I think I got to that point of life should move on or I will seriously go insane. I think I did go through many phases the past few months. I went through a denial phase. The phase where I kept rejecting the idea that after all these years that he would leave me for no reason. Well the reason is I wanted to live a nice normal life based on good ethics and morals. He didn’t.
Since I am a very stubborn person I really didn’t accept him for how he acted and wanted to mold him to what I wanted. He also did the same thing to me. He wanted me to be a behaved Arabic girl that just listened to him and never ever argued back. You know. Like a maid. Obviously didn’t work out. Plus I am a Capricorn and he is an Aquarius. Really bad match. A match for friendship and that’s it. Even that we couldn’t do! So I try to move on with my life by trying to remember only the negatives of a relationship. My friends tell me that I am lucky I didn’t marry him because that would have been a lot worse. A really bad life. Which is true. I am glad for that. However, my problem is that I have been very anti-future. I quit caring about the future. I hate planning things. I hate even planning things to do for tomorrow. I tell people that I don’t plan. Just tell me when the same day and that’s it. No need to plan things. Planning things gives me major depressive thoughts because I used to plan so much and where did it get me?
So lately I have just been keeping my self so busy that I don’t even think of the past or future. I have become a machine that works day by day and that’s it. It helps me a lot. However, planning, thinking of a future, or imaging a positive outcome someday is not in my head.
Moreover, after the denial, I went through the phase of depression. That’s what I have been suffering from the past few months. I can’t say I am depressed at this moment, but it seriously affected my mood. I have become such an unmotivated person that I don’t feel like doing anything. My motivation level is ground low. I need something to boost my energy. A lot of people around me somewhat make me happy or somewhat give me some hope of a nice future and a good life could be ahead for me, but I am so cynical.
However today I was at the mall with my mom and sister, and my mom was looking at this gorgeous bed. She told me you need to change the furniture in your room. I looked at her and said why. I don’t want to live with you forever. She smiled and that gave her hope that one day I will get married and get the hell out of the house! I was surprised I even said that to her or even thought about it. That was a futuristic thought. First one I had in months! I was always so pessimistic and cynical about such things. So I brought her some joy for the day, and I started thinking out loud and blurted things unconsciously! Major improvement indeed.
Well, today I decided to buy a brand new desktop computer. I don’t know why. I just felt like getting one. No reason. I really didn’t need a new one. I barely use my current one for anything, but I thought, why not? I have all this money and I don’t use it. I don’t know what to use it for. I might as well start the wave of heavy duty purchasing. I mean seriously. What am I going to ever use money for? I mean sometimes I wonder why I work. To just go shopping? Is that why I work? So I will just spend it all on anything..
Lately I have just been having many random thoughts. It’s just cause people around me, friends and family keep telling me to do things. They want me to do better in life. My family wants me to get a better job that is permenant and I can move up the ladder and they want me to get a much higher education like masters and PHD cause I am smart. Well I was smart than I dumbed my self down. I wish I never did. In highschool I was a genius. I remember when I was living in the USA I was beyond smart. I was getting accepted to University in my grade 11 to pre-med. Than I just gave up. I never knew why. Than when I moved to Canada I dumbed my self down but I still got a scholorship to University but I just didn’t like it. I was studying Biology and Chemistry. I really love those, and I do regret dropping out of Biology when I was really good at it. I was really good at Chemistry too. I was influnced by people around me more. They kept saying Computer Science. Computers are in. I was like ok. I will try. I liked computers, but honestly I didn’t enjoy it. Even working in the field, it is ok, but I know I could have done better. I keep thinking to my self why was I so smart and a genius who got so many awards and now I have become this empty person who doesn’t care about any awards or anything. Daily my mom wants me to find a new job or do something with my life. I am taking more courses only cause I like school and it keeps me busy and I don’t have to keep suffering of people telling me what to do! I like being busy. It doesn’t stress me out much because I am used to it. But I don’t really know what to do anymore. Then there comes the other story of how people my age are married and have kids. Even younger than me and here I am 26 and not even engaged or like anyone. What am I to do? I really don’t like anyone. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I didn’t find anyone interesting that I can talk to and be with. So what? I am also told to buy a car. I don’t want a CAR! I really can’t afford it. No matter how much I get paid at work, I cannot afford payments and insurance and gas. Life in Canada is expensive, and I have student loans and other debts to pay off. It’s not that easy living here. You have to be smart about your money and not waste it on silly things. So till now I don’t know what to do with my life. I wish I had a better direction and not be so confused all the time of what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am doing and why? My problem is I am really good at whatever I lay my hands on. Anything. I can honestly do anything. I am just not motivated anymore and I really don’t know what to do. I wish I was more settled down and have a better perception of things. I wish sometimes and I regret ever listening to people and do what I want. I may appear stubborn but I am easily influenced and I think too much. That’s my problem. I am too much of a thinker. I wish I wasn’t. It’s all cause of those stupid Math contests I won. Damn Math! Why did I learn to think too much! And I won’t forget a course I took called Philosophy of Logic. :lol: .. now that was intense thinking. That made me think way too much and analyze way too much. Oh God. University life has corrupted me at an early age! I am doomed to a life of confusion!
