I sit here and think. I keep wondering and thinking about life. Today I felt blank. No thoughts or anything that relates to my life. I cannot think anymore. I cannot put any thoughts together what so ever. All day long I kept having this strange headache and a loss of sight. I just didn’t have the level of concentration that I need to survive the day. Even with two cups of coffee I just felt ill. I thought I had a cold, but it is more than that. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I think maybe I am just tired and overwhelmed with life. I feel at times that I want to sit somewhere and just listen to soft music and talk to someone nice. A nice friend. Someone who will talk about anything. No strings attached. Just someone who is willing to listen. Lately I have felt that no one wants to listen to me or talk to me. They got tired of me. I tend to complain a lot when I am nervous or upset. And that’s understandable. I wouldn’t want to listen to me either. That’s why I write it here and pretend I said it to someone else and they have to suffer.

I wish at times that I was emotionless. That I didn’t have to think or feel anything. At times I feel that I may be cold hearted and unfriendly. I want to portray a stronger image of my self but I can’t because I know deep down inside I am a very weak person. I am too sensitive. I run away from the pain. I have a fear of being hurt. I think I have been permanently damaged from the inside emotionally. I don’t know what to do. At times I wish I just didn’t have to suffer anymore. I wish I didn’t have to think or feel the pain.

Most of the time I feel like I am hallucinating.� Maybe I am now.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

A couple of days ago my friend came over again from TO… and we went out to sushi, and she asked me if “he” tried to contact me at all the past few weeks. I told her no. So bluntly. I told her he blocked me off MSN after 5 years and I really don’t care. However, do I care? I kept thinking about this. Do I care anymore about the past? Not really. I am just really mellow about it. I don’t really care anymore. I think I got to that point of life should move on or I will seriously go insane. I think I did go through many phases the past few months. I went through a denial phase. The phase where I kept rejecting the idea that after all these years that he would leave me for no reason. Well the reason is I wanted to live a nice normal life based on good ethics and morals. He didn’t.

Since I am a very stubborn person I really didn’t accept him for how he acted and wanted to mold him to what I wanted. He also did the same thing to me. He wanted me to be a behaved Arabic girl that just listened to him and never ever argued back. You know. Like a maid. Obviously didn’t work out. Plus I am a Capricorn and he is an Aquarius. Really bad match. A match for friendship and that’s it. Even that we couldn’t do! So I try to move on with my life by trying to remember only the negatives of a relationship. My friends tell me that I am lucky I didn’t marry him because that would have been a lot worse. A really bad life. Which is true. I am glad for that. However, my problem is that I have been very anti-future. I quit caring about the future. I hate planning things. I hate even planning things to do for tomorrow. I tell people that I don’t plan. Just tell me when the same day and that’s it. No need to plan things. Planning things gives me major depressive thoughts because I used to plan so much and where did it get me?

So lately I have just been keeping my self so busy that I don’t even think of the past or future. I have become a machine that works day by day and that’s it. It helps me a lot. However, planning, thinking of a future, or imaging a positive outcome someday is not in my head.

Moreover, after the denial, I went through the phase of depression. That’s what I have been suffering from the past few months. I can’t say I am depressed at this moment, but it seriously affected my mood. I have become such an unmotivated person that I don’t feel like doing anything. My motivation level is ground low. I need something to boost my energy. A lot of people around me somewhat make me happy or somewhat give me some hope of a nice future and a good life could be ahead for me, but I am so cynical.

However today I was at the mall with my mom and sister, and my mom was looking at this gorgeous bed. She told me you need to change the furniture in your room. I looked at her and said why. I don’t want to live with you forever. She smiled and that gave her hope that one day I will get married and get the hell out of the house! I was surprised I even said that to her or even thought about it. That was a futuristic thought. First one I had in months! I was always so pessimistic and cynical about such things. So I brought her some joy for the day, and I started thinking out loud and blurted things unconsciously! Major improvement indeed.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Well, today I decided to buy a brand new desktop computer. I don’t know why. I just felt like getting one. No reason. I really didn’t need a new one. I barely use my current one for anything, but I thought, why not? I have all this money and I don’t use it. I don’t know what to use it for. I might as well start the wave of heavy duty purchasing. I mean seriously. What am I going to ever use money for? I mean sometimes I wonder why I work. To just go shopping? Is that why I work? So I will just spend it all on anything..

Anyways, it will take me a while to spend it all, but I got to start the 1000+ purchasing sooner or later. I mean you only live once, might as well enjoy it since I will never really need it for any future commitments. Spend spend spend.. that is my new motive for life. Screw people. Screw everything.. I will work to spend it all!! I want to actually feel at the end of the month that I am broke. I wonder how that feels? hmm

Blah Blah, Sleepy Post

Well.. as my day couldn’t get worse.. it did.. around 10:00 am this morning I started getting this huge headache. It’s not the typical headache that 3 or 4, or 5 pills can get rid of. I tried. I have a huge bottle on my desk at work to cure my headaches. An hour passed. Nothing. I felt my head pounding more. Another hour it got worse. I felt sharp pain in the back of my neck. I felt like little spears are hitting it constantly. So I thought I just needed to get out of the lab. So I went and sat outside for an hour.. cause I know the stupid kids at my work would be playing their lunch time game. So I sat outside tried to just look out the window and not think of the pain and tried to do some work.. nothing. No change. I kept looking at the laptop screen and I swear I saw white dots and the screen became fuzzy.. Earlier my eyes were just watery and I felt like I was crying for no reason.. but I just couldn’t see.. so I went back to work.. I sat down and I just couldn’t help it. I just got up and left as quickly as I could and went home. My mom when I got back obviously freaked out so did my dad. I was like my head hurts too much. My dad wanted me to obviously go to the doctor. I hate doctors.. and then my mom is like you are crazy. You are careless and don’t take care of your self. I am like aha. I know. Leave me alone and I went to my room and passed out. I just got up. It’s been like 4 hours almost and my head is just heavy. I donno what happened. But this is worse than the headache I had on monday.. but the one on Monday was easily cured by lots of caffine and pills. But today.. aah.. the migraine was unbelievable. Also I do feel ill internally and my stomach is squeezy and acidy. I think I just need normal home cooked food. Oh by the way. I think I am allergic to eating outside. I seriously get stomach poisoning or something that disturbs my stomach really badly when I eat out. I am not doing that anymore! Aaah I am so weak..

I am going to eat and go back and lay down. The letters on the screen are just not right.

Ranting as usual!, Sleepy Post

I want to sleep.� I am at work and I am sleeepy.. AAAH! I wish I was still in bed.. Zzzz.. Coffee is not working.. but I do feel like sushi! hmm sushi..

Sleepy Post