Lately I have just been having many random thoughts. It’s just cause people around me, friends and family keep telling me to do things. They want me to do better in life. My family wants me to get a better job that is permenant and I can move up the ladder and they want me to get a much higher education like masters and PHD cause I am smart. Well I was smart than I dumbed my self down. I wish I never did. In highschool I was a genius. I remember when I was living in the USA I was beyond smart. I was getting accepted to University in my grade 11 to pre-med. Than I just gave up. I never knew why. Than when I moved to Canada I dumbed my self down but I still got a scholorship to University but I just didn’t like it. I was studying Biology and Chemistry. I really love those, and I do regret dropping out of Biology when I was really good at it. I was really good at Chemistry too. I was influnced by people around me more. They kept saying Computer Science. Computers are in. I was like ok. I will try. I liked computers, but honestly I didn’t enjoy it. Even working in the field, it is ok, but I know I could have done better. I keep thinking to my self why was I so smart and a genius who got so many awards and now I have become this empty person who doesn’t care about any awards or anything. Daily my mom wants me to find a new job or do something with my life. I am taking more courses only cause I like school and it keeps me busy and I don’t have to keep suffering of people telling me what to do! I like being busy. It doesn’t stress me out much because I am used to it. But I don’t really know what to do anymore. Then there comes the other story of how people my age are married and have kids. Even younger than me and here I am 26 and not even engaged or like anyone. What am I to do? I really don’t like anyone. I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I didn’t find anyone interesting that I can talk to and be with. So what? I am also told to buy a car. I don’t want a CAR! I really can’t afford it. No matter how much I get paid at work, I cannot afford payments and insurance and gas. Life in Canada is expensive, and I have student loans and other debts to pay off. It’s not that easy living here. You have to be smart about your money and not waste it on silly things. So till now I don’t know what to do with my life. I wish I had a better direction and not be so confused all the time of what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I am doing and why? My problem is I am really good at whatever I lay my hands on. Anything. I can honestly do anything. I am just not motivated anymore and I really don’t know what to do. I wish I was more settled down and have a better perception of things. I wish sometimes and I regret ever listening to people and do what I want. I may appear stubborn but I am easily influenced and I think too much. That’s my problem. I am too much of a thinker. I wish I wasn’t. It’s all cause of those stupid Math contests I won. Damn Math! Why did I learn to think too much! And I won’t forget a course I took called Philosophy of Logic. .. now that was intense thinking. That made me think way too much and analyze way too much. Oh God. University life has corrupted me at an early age! I am doomed to a life of confusion!

I need to snap out of it! Or just shoot me!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

You know… I have not really noticed this way of life as I have seen with Arabs. This double life they live. How can a person withstand to make up so many lies with them and live such a life. I know Arabs who appear so innocent and so conservative in front of their families and public. Yet, when you get to know them and be very close to them you will learn the worst imaginable things. How do they have the energy to make up so many lies and get away with things. I think this problem occurs more often with girls than guys. Even the guys are guilty them selves, but usually boys will be boys and they don’t give a shit. That’s what is scary about the world we live in. So many lies and secrets. I know Arab girls who constantly go clubbing and drinking and have x-number of male acquaintances. I was like wow. Others are girls who wear hijab (head scarf).. and they come to school and take it off and dress with the tightest most revealing clothes under their jackets. wtf I am so dumbfounded with people. I don’t even want to begin with guys. Guys are worse but they all hang out together and do the same shit. They go to clubs, smoke their brains out and drink them selves silly and walk around in down town in the middle of the night being loud and pathetic. Yet.. their parents know nothing about this. It’s funny, the other day a lady came to my mom and asked her about her sons and if she has heard anything about them. My mom was like something like what? (My mom knows but she wouldn’t say anything.) .. My mom denied it because she didn’t want to cause problems and have to tell the other mom where she heard it from… (me) .. :lmao:

aaah.. the double life. I mean to think about it. I was guilty of it too. Now I don’t live a double life anymore. I am no longer having to make up lies and stay out side the house all day to be with “him”.. nothing.. no phone calls or anything either. My cell phone used to be used and abused.. now I barely use it.. but still thinking about. I never did any of the shit other people do. I don’t think I have the will power to do so. I have too much guilt. I am worst than a Catholic at confessions.. I cannot live with it. I have major guilt problems. Sometimes I feel like I need to tell some people the truth of the shit I did to them or said.. but I am thinking… hmm.. maybe when I am retired and old and people think I am just fucken loosing my mind and I will tell the truth.. then no one would believe me.. :rofl:

Anyways.. back to the double life.. I really like this song.. I was listening to it just now.. and it got me thinking about people and what people suffer through and I just wish people just show their true colours. Just be them selves.. I am bad at figuring out what people are really are. It’s just I except people to be like me. I have this high expectations of people to be like me. If they are not like me. I cannot relate to them. It is hard for me to accept and understand people. I don’t know. I guess I have a lot to learn about life still… I should have a new slogan for my site… “Learning about life .. ”

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I love this song .. It’s from the sound track Save the Last Dance… It is originally by Cindy Lauper.. Yes I know Cindy. I was an 80′s child.. I have been listening to music since I was born!! I love music!

My taste of Music, Sleepy Post

I donno.. it is one of those days where I am so unmotivated to really do anything and I have all these crazy weird thoughts going on in my head. I donno why.. Maybe cuz HE (remember the EX) actually came online the past couple of days.. I actually talked to him yesterday saying wow.. your online.. been a while.. he is like yes.. it’s snowing outside.. I was like duh! hmm.. I donno.. after that I really didn’t talk much neither did he.. after that I realized.. eh.. I hate him.. I really do.. So I blocked him.. I was really fed up.. I really don’t feel anything towards him except pure hatered.. not hate him directly.. but hate the way he acts and how he changed and how much he really did not like me (not even as a friend) at all and wasted 4.5 years of my life.. he just used me.. and I was so gullible! I have so much anger in me now.. and so much unmotivation.. I have not seen him since like August I think.. aaah.. and I always wonder how heartless he is.. and why.. was I really that bad? I wonder sometimes.. I think I just have too much anger inside me and towards everything.. and I honetly blame it on him.. when I was little I was very calm.. even in highschool I was very calm and kind of cold.. but I never got mad.. I always dealt with things in a calm manner.. but I guess the University life and the Arabs I met and the tragic drama I put my self in.. really really made me weak.. now I can only deal with things in an angry manner.. I am trying really hard to be calm.. It’s hard when someone spent the past 7 years of their life under stress and anger! wow.. since I was 18 I been like this.. holy.. I wonder sometimes if I have started my blog since I was 18.. I would have had waay too much dramatic stories.. crazy stories I swear that no one would believe.. the backstabbing.. the horrible treatment by other people.. and I swear.. I think I seriously snapped when I was 20… that is when I just could not stand it anymore.. so I became cruel and mean.. and now I am 25.11 and I am so frustrated and mad all the time.. always thinking.. always wondering what if!! I think I need to really need to stop this.. be calm.. I think it will be my new year’s resolution.. a new beginning.. something more calm and more peaceful life.. I really don’t want a guy anymore. I donno at this rate I don’t want to get married or like anyone ever again. I just don’t trust arab guys anymore. They are so selfish and only think of them selves. I cannot stand it.. I am completely opposite.. I donno.. I have been living in North America too long and I was raised to be nice and help others. I donno.. I need to snap out of it seriously.. It’s been a bad few months but I think I really need to relax.. I need mind relaxation sessions.. aah.. my life.. at this point.. it sucks.. I need to turn it around! I want to go back to how I was in my teen years.. I miss being a teen!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Aah.. yes.. I woke up many times this morning till I finally got out of bed around 10:00 am. When a person has a routine of waking up at 6:30 am every day.. 10 am really seems late. Anyways.. I woke up. Went to the washroom .. washed my face and I look at the mirror and my left eye is bloody RED. Like someone knocked my eye out. The veins in my eyes were popping out. So I went downstairs to complain cause this time my eye physically hurt. So my mom looks at me and says. “Leesh heek 3eenik. La titala3y fiyeh.. hatseer ana 3enay 7amra mennik”…. translation – “Don’t look at me. You are making my eyes red” .. ehm.. quote unquote from my mother. So my dad is like I will go get you medicine. I was like fine. I sit and watch Satellite TV. I don’t watch Arabic TV much so Arabic Music videos still intrigue me and amaze me because really.. how much skin can be displayed in a 4 min song? So my dad comes back and gets me super eye drops that is supposed to clear my red eye. So I used it. DAMN! It burnt my eye. I hate eye drops. I cannot stand them cause my eyes are naturally too sensitive. So I close my eye and wait for the pain to go away. My eye after few minutes turn pink. No more red. Now pink! I had so much work to do but because of my eye I cannot see well and my head all of the sudden started pounding. I took some meds for that too. I think I am suffering from an imaginary person knocking my eye out and hitting my head. I always wondered if I sleep walked? Do I? :S Anyways.. and now it is 9:42 pm and I did NOTHING all day. I mean it. Nothing! Just slack off like the couch potato I am! I hate weekends. I feel useless.. Why can’t I do something!! Useless unproductive day.. blaaaaaaaah..

Sleepy Post

Well.. I think this week has been the worse week ever in my life. Too many blames. Too many pointing fingers. So much stress. So many regrets. Dejavu of the worse things that can ever happen to me before happened again. Now I think I am over it. However I want this year to end. 2006 has been the worse ever. I don’t like even numbered years. I don’t like years that are just filled with problems on a daily bases. I seriously just want things to end! I want people to leave me alone. Everyone to leave me alone and let me have one day of peace! Just one! It’s all I ask.

I want to go through a long period of meditation. Of clearing my thoughts. I think my head is filled with a different thought every milisecond and that is why I get such huge headaches. I use advil as someone else would use gum! That’s how bad things are getting. But I just need to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

On a more happier note. I just spent the day checking out hi5 website. I use to use it then I stopped when I started having weird people add me and telling me fuck’d up stories. I got freaked and I just stopped that whole random people chats. However today I was looking for someone and thought maybe he would be on hi5.. and he is.. keh keh. ehm ehm.. but I just wanted to check profile. Nothing more. No interest in talking to him.

Anyways.. time for sleep..

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post