My eyes will decide how I will see others
If they are innocent, arrogant, shrewd, or like all others
I do not know why others refuse to see the real you
Yet I, small as I may seem, can see right through you

One day you try to forget me
But another day, you will be forced to remember me
It seems that destiny will bring us back together
Because you will not be able to remember any other

I tried to murder time
But I slowly became like a bine
Small and worthless as you thought I am
Time will always remind you of who I really am

Today seems like another other
Yet I, remember it, and will never forget any other
The pain that you carelessly bestowed upon me
Forever, it will force you to remember no one else, but me

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I shudder in my chair while looking at the screen every time I think of the future. Images in my head start to unravel of many possibilities, yet, none of them seem to be realistic or plausible. None of them seem to be what I feel I am supposed to be doing in this life. I feel that I need someone or some people to give me a chance. A chance to prove my worth in this life.

What do I think I want?

I am not specifically talking about a career or marriage or any of that. I think it is more than that, and I am not sure what. Maybe in my head, I just want someone to say, “This is Mona. Do you know who she is? I will tell you.”

However, I just feel alone. I really do. I feel that my friends are moving on in their own little worlds and forgot about me. Most of them don’t even ask about me or say hello anymore. Others don’t talk to me unless they want something and underestimate my true worth in this life. I see all these people that add me to Facebook, email me daily and comment on my site, and I wonder . . . do these people really care about me? Will these people remember me in a year or two? Even a month from now?

I can’t really express my self in real life. I learned to keep my mouth shut and not bother anymore with people. The more I know about anyone, the more I feel that I can’t have what they have. I feel this utter uncontrollable discontent with my self. Yet others, have the life that I don’t ever want, which makes me wonder if they have been hit by an insanity truck, and if that truck had any insurance.

What do I really want?

I don’t know what I want from life. At times I think I want a career. Other times I think I want to find someone who won’t treat me like crap and does not live a double life. I know I can’t have both. I feel at times I can’t have both and never will. The past 3 years have changed so much. I woke up and saw the world for what it really is, and I can’t seem to tell my heart to accept it. I think I am one of those people that does not have the capability to use both of her main organs. The heart or brain. I seem to only use the latter and cannot use the former.

I met so many people in my life, and no one seemed to be really interested in who I really am. Many of them don’t listen to me, cut me off when I talk, and think what I say is not really that important. Maybe that is one of those unconditional reasons why I have this blog. Maybe to write out what I can’t really say in real life.

I ask my self, who am I really? The more I tried to figure out and to pursue either one, career or love, I can’t seem to get them. I feel that I am not meant to get either, and my purpose is something else. So what exactly is my purpose in life? I am very much in an idle stage now. Trying to figure out people, life, my purpose, but instead, I feel that I am dangled by a string.

Cold hearted

I was told I was cold hearted. Maybe. I am nice on the outside, but in reality I am a very cold heartless person. I just don’t seem to care about anyone. You can say that my heart was struck by a cold icy tip and remained frozen. I am very much cold about everything. When I say I don’t care, is because I honestly don’t care. I actually mean those words when I say them. I think for some people that is enough justification to their beliefs of analyzing my personality. Is that good enough for you? Is that what you wanted to read? There ya go. I fed your ego and your stubbornness.

Maybe in the past I spent my life caring about others, and giving others more than what they are worth. It was not to gain friendships. It was not to gain love. It was not to gain anything but respect. Yet, people did not know what that meant. I feel that the reason I don’t get along with 99% of the world is due to the lack of respect they have towards me. I think I try too hard to explain things, but I can’t seem to understand why us humans don’t have the ability to respect one another. Why is it so hard?

Respect to me is the glue to everything in life. I think the moment you gain the respect that you deserve, everything else comes into place.

Everyone’s question. Why Rebellious Arab Girl?

I think I answered this question many times, or tried to. I tried to explain why I chose those 3 words. Why I labeled my self as a controversial person, yet, where is the controversy?

I grew up. I grew up the hard way. I saw so many wrong things in my life, and I had no shame or fear of speaking about them. I don’t censor my self. I don’t need to when speaking the truth. Why should I? Really?

Many labeled me as a non-Arab or an Arab hater. Some even said that my site is a lie and I am actually a Zionist running this site in the name of an Arab girl. Others said that I should be ashamed of being an Arab, because Arabs are a parasite to the world. Others, well, the list goes on. It keeps going on and will continue going on. You know why? Because people will never accept the difference. They will never accept the truth that they have been avoiding.

When a girl or guy out there emails me saying, “you are speaking exactly what is on my mind, but I never dared say it,” makes me extremely happy. I don’t care anymore who I hurt or who I offend. Do they care about me? I learned to be selfish. I learned to just think of my self because no one else will. No one will go and say, “this is Mona. Do you know her?” No. I have to earn it and make people say it. They will say it because they have to say it, and will always remember it. They will forever say, “she dared say what I can’t say!”

I think that is one of my purposes in life . . . To just say it because I got tired of being quiet. I think you did too.

Who am I kidden . . . I could be just lying to my self again and suffering from denial . . . Like I have always been. Like I have always been doing all along.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I have been getting many comments lately from visitors about my site. People like it, don’t like it, want it a bit different, etc.

What do you think? Do you have something to say about my site? What needs to be improved or changed written wise and website aesthetic wise? I would like to know. I like opinions.

So, open forum. Tell me what you think about my masterpiece of a site.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I don’t have much to say today. Just happy new year to you guys. I am a bit meh right now and I got nothing to talk about or I just don’t feel like saying anything.

Maybe I will leave you with a song.

T.I. ft. Rihanna – Live Your Life

Blah Blah, My taste of Music, Sleepy Post

We all have this thing inside of us that keeps us alive. It is called hope. We hope for many things to happen to us. I think if we didn’t hope at all, we would not have a reason to live in this horrible world. We try our best to hope for a better future, a better career, and a better life. We really just live our lives daily hoping. That’s all we really can do. We try our hardest, and hope for the best.

Lately, I have been hoping a lot. The more I hope, the more I dream at night. I think the subconscious somehow works extra hard when all you do is think and hope a lot.

Really, do you think the reason you are still alive, and anyone for that matter, is due to that hope? I think it is the reason I stayed sane for so long. I think hope gives me that dream and a better outlook to the future. It helps me get up in the morning every day and think to my self, “Today is hopefully a better day.”

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post