Have you ever wished you were someone else?

I have that feeling every single day. I think I always wanted to be someone else, and doing lots of great things other than the nothing that I ended up doing so far in my life. Yes, I am educated. Yes, I have work experience as a computer programmer, but do you guys know how many sanity brain cells you loose cause of it? Crazy is not strong of a word to describe how I ended up being. I was so normal before I was a programmer, and I went crazy cause of it. I ended up going to psychologists, and I constantly felt I was not treated fairly because I was a girl stuck in a computer world of mostly males. I pretty much was done for, and I was seriously depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy programming, but I wish I felt I was doing a job worth something in the long run, and I can look back and say that what I did was awesome.

I think most people at my old age want to get married and have a family, but I don’t. I think it has to do with me not believing in this thing called love anymore. However, I do believe in obsession with gorgeous looking guys (thank the Lord All Mighty for Facebook. Amen!), but marriage, no way!

I don’t know what I want, and I have been out of work for over 3 months, and I still don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to work for the man. I don’t want to be enslaved in a desk at a 9-5 job doing something that is not worth anything, and no room for me to improve or climb the ranks. I don’t want to be tied down to anything really, and I want to do something that is so new and great. I think I want to invent something, or create something new, but crap that is worthless, I am not doing that again.

So, what do I really want? What kind of person should I have been, wish I was, or should I try to be?

I don’t know. I am still trying to decide that, but I know that I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing. I find it boring. Life is supposed to be a fun journey where we make the best of it and strive to make great new things. I need to focus on THAT, and stop obsessing with the past. I am drug free, worry free, and I can sleep most days. And NO! my insomnia happens once in a blue moon, but not every other day like it used to be. God, I don’t even want to remember all that. I keep wanting to read my blog posts from the beginning (almost 3 years ago), to remember all the crap that I wrote, but I am scared to read it and realize that I was TOTALLY crazy.

Do you think only crazy people have blogs?

Do you guys feel that I am writing to my self or to you guys? I read this over and thought, Dear God! I am crazy and I am writing what is really in my head, and should not say out loud or in public. Man, cookoo.. cookoo..

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Hello people. Tell me what time is it in Eastern time, Canada? It’s ok, I will tell you. It is past 2:30 am. Yes, it is a little late for a person who is just sitting there doing nothing, and cannot sleep.

Did I ever mention that I suffer from insomnia? I think I did in the past when I spent up to 72 hours wide awake and writing the silliest posts ever. Yes, those were the days. However, why am I still awake today when I am worry free? I need an answer! Where the hell is a shrink when you need ‘em?

My insomnia pushed me to the limit tonight. I am fully awake. I don’t even yawn. I am more alert now than after consuming my mug of coffee in the morning. Why don’t I have any drugs? Where are the drugs?!

I used to take sleeping pills, and swallow NyQuil just so I can have my 5 hours of sleep! But no. I got nothing today. Nada. Zip.

Errr. I am very angry now, and I am ready to shoot my self to sleep! Maybe, just maybe, that might work.

Angry, Blah Blah, Sleepy Post

I don’t feel like writing more than two sentences for the rest of the day. Spare me!

Blah Blah, Sleepy Post

I have been browsing the internet world and thinking, “would I ever want to meet any of those bloggers in real life and be friends with them?”

Some may argue that I should meet my regular readers as well. I have been checking out the statistics on my site; surprisingly, a pretty good number of the people that do visit it are in my city of London, ON. It makes me a bit wary riding the bus or going to the mall sometimes, because I keep thinking that ONE of them has been reading my blog. Which is a ridiculous thought, but you NEVER know! Also, they might recognize me from the obscure pictures found here and there on my site, but I am not a walking rebel with a green button on my purse saying “Rebellious Arab Girl” or anything. Also, I am always tempted to wear the ‘Kiss me I am Arab‘ t-shirt that I made and ordered, but I keep avoiding the public recognition and the abiding stares. Moreover, I have not been writing anything dramatic or too personal lately, because I have no life. I have no love life or constant work drama which I think have degraded my personality into this “nice” person.

Let’s face it, I am a very boring person who writes about the most mundane things and I still get an audience. Now, it’s questionable if I ever want to meet you in person for spending 5 minutes of your life every day reading my blog. Also, there are a lot of you who subscribed to my site. ??? Don’t you have anything better to do?

Do you still want to meet me after I insulted your daily reading obsessions? I wouldn’t!

I think this is the part when you realize I was being overly sarcastic, and just trying to see if you will go spend hours on digg or stumblepon instead.

But seriously, would you ever want to meet another personal site blogger?

Another lame thought, do I read a lot of blogs and subscribe to many? No. I don’t find that many blogs interesting, but I do have my favorites and some I read every now and then for mere enjoyment and new knowledge. I am also a bad social blogger because I don’t comment on other people’s blogs that I read. I don’t really follow any of the conformed blogging rules some derived and have been spreading as a bible to the novice internet world. I just find social networking overrated lately, and people are trying to find any way to make money out of it.

You want to know how to make money online as a blogger? Mention PORN a lot on your site. You won’t believe the % of site visits I get from people searching for a variation of that. I am too embarrassed to show people my site statistics anymore and the top keywords, because I think I screwed up last year when I kept mentioning porn, sluts, sex and arabs on a daily basis.

Man. I just did it again. Fuck.

Confused, Sleepy Post

One thing about me, and God be my witness regarding this blog post, that my dreams do come true! (Look at me being all religious, now that’s new.) You know, I don’t dream very often, maybe because I snore a lot. (Sorry I just repelled 99% of the males who thought they had a chance); however, I think that I have a psychological dream problem going on there in that vast endless data storage of a brain that I have. As a result, I am scared to sleep. Seriously, I think that my dreams are the reason that I was always afraid to sleep, and endlessly complained about my horrible sleep patterns.

You may think I am delusional, and I am just talking crazy. Yah, maybe, but no, I am not. Moreover, I find that if my dream didn’t come true today, it will eventually when it is meant to, and I will remember. I remember those obscure dreams, because they haunt me day and night. They are the reason I am a bit unstable and have a blog.

A lot of people tried to interpret dreams. A lot of religions tried to interpret dreams. Everyone tried to interpret dreams. How do I interpret dreams? Not by objects, and not by symbolism. On the contrary, my dreams are black and white. Straight to the point, just like my self. I see people I know in dreams. I see actual situations. Sometimes, I see how I fall in my dream, straight on my face, and wake up actually feeling pain on the side on my face. That’s what I call a real dream. I see it, feel it, and remember it. Then it happens in a similar type way in my waking hours. Am I really awake now or dreaming? Seriously?

Oh God, I think I am crazy. I don’t know what I have been doing all day. Maybe just looking at my self in the mirror and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Any psychologist out there willing to do tests with a maniac named Mona? She is available via e-mail for counseling.

I think that my real problem is something that is living in my unconsious which results in such dreams. As a result of my fear of sleeping and my “great” life, I wake up every day and then look at my self in the mirror and wonder what the hell am I supposed to do today. I keep talking to my self and banging my head on the wall and grinding my teeth. I should take a picture one day of how my teeth look now because of the self inflicted damage that they have suffered from.

Moreover, I keep asking my self daily, is today any different than yesterday? Is it going to be any better? Why has my life turned out the way it did? When will it all stop? Or am I just born unlucky?

I want a solution, but I know what a possible solution is. I want my brain to stop thinking for one minute. Just one minute. No thoughts and pure clarity, and don’t give me that Zen and Yoga crap because I am not interested. I want a real solution! Give me an answer, please!

Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post