Or writer.. I really do. Being a computer programmer has made me a very depressed individual for over 8 years. I think I need to use my talents to express my self, and honestly, if I wasn’t a creative person who likes art and making great user interfaces, I would have been sunk into the abyss of programming hell.

Yet, it is not that easy to become a full time writer. I think trying to express my self lately has taken a down turn and I am not opening up as I used to. I am not going ape shit and trashing something that happened to my life like it used to. I think being a programming has caused the following problem:

I have a serious short attention span in everything else in my life!

I tried everything in my life. Everything! I am so spontaneous in making decisions and just trying them out. I won’t get into the details, but what more can I do?

I think the reason that I tried so many things and I cannot make a decision of what I really like is what is driving me crazy and bogging me down all the time. Also, being an Arab limits my choices. However, being older I can just argue back to my parents and tell them WHATEVER.

My own dad is afraid of me now and he keeps saying, “when did you become this tough?” I tell him, “to survive in this house hold of being an Arab I have to be WAY tougher and sharp tongued to survive!”

It is true, you need to be tough to be an Arab living in a traditional home and balancing your life between western and eastern mentality.

Anyways, I am at work now, and I do not want to work. I feel like Mondays should be the day to get back in the mood and not just jump into work. I just don’t care anymore. I rather write. I miss writing and reading. I have my beautiful sexy Blackberry Playbook and I use it to read books more than anything. Writing is my next task! My real passion.

I am thinking my next project will be fiction and placing short story e-books on my website. I need to focus and make things happen. Screw programming, I did it for too long. I can’t wait to get my project management certification and move on with my life. Oh my patience! It is being tested and stretched out to major limits!

P.S. We should all be Latin dancing! Bailamos mis amigos!

Blah Blah, Culture, My taste of Music, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

When it is a time of stress, you stress. Then there are times when you want to blow up, but you join a gym, learn to breath out all your anger, and no longer complain.

I think I mastered all that by now.

I have been trying to slow down in life. I think I want so much right now that I am missing the bigger picture. I am not enjoying life although I should be. I am not seeing the beauty of it, and I am just stressing over anything. I have a horrible temper when I get home. It is because I cannot release all that anger at work, I do it at home.

Now I release by sweating like a pig. I know it is haram and pure sin to sweat like a pig, but should I be sweating like a horse? Do horses sweat?

Anyways, I will stop being funny. I am bad at it.

However, I want to complain about something. You see, in this prodigious Internet world I chat with many different people because of Facebook and Twitter. What I found out that there is a huge language barrier between me and everyone else. I speak two languages people. One is called Arabic. I know it fluently and I can converse in it. The other is English, I am bilingual. I learned English & Arabic at the same time. So English is not my second language. Both languages I am fairly good at and I can hold up a conversation for more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I use Arabinglish, but who doesn’t combine two ore more languages if they know them all?

Anyways, so my point is, don’t talk to me in English if you can barely speak it. I understand you want to impress me, but I am not easily impressed. I am easily amused though, but not impressed. I am also pretty dumb. I do not “get it.” Whatever you are trying to tell me in English I do not get because:

1. Your grammar sucks.
2. Your sentences don’t make sense.
3. You use the wrong English words thinking it is funny.

Sorry I am being mean. Wait, I am never sorry to be one at all! I am pretty mean and stop talking to me in a language you cannot speak. I READ AND SPEAK ARABIC! So communicate with me that way. I am not Arabic illiterate although I may seem to be. Also, I am not vanilla in English, so don’t use big words like inveterate or truculent. I am a simple person. Just say hi to me and I am 100% satisfied. Also, I have a short attention span and I don’t like to read anything, so “HI” is enough!

I like to write a lot though. Thanks for reading my blog. You are super duper fabulous!

Have a wonderful day!

Blah Blah, Culture, Funny, Ranting as usual!, They said what?

It didn’t take a genius to figure this out, but since I am labeled as arrogant and self observed, then I am a genius! NOT! But I understand why you people don’t comment on my blog anymore. I am bad blogger and I socialize on social networks more than I can collect my thoughts and spit it out in one place like I used to. Most of you are on Twitter and Facebook anyways! I know the pain of commenting on blogs, and honestly, I don’t blame you. I am bad my self.

Hence, for the other 50% that don’t socialize through social networks with me know better than to comment no my blog. I don’t comment or read your blog. Sorry. I am a horrible human being. I have the attention span of a molecule, and I don’t keep up. I don’t have an RSS reader. I don’t have a favorite blog anymore that I am obsessed with. Moreover, if my blog is your favorite, then I do apologize that I didn’t kiss you today and yesterday and the day before.

Anyways, what’s new with me? Well, I decided to the join the gym. After being a lazy ass for the past 2.5 years and stuck in job that I do not like, then I need to exhaust my self after work and release all my negative energy. So far so good. I release a lot!

On a happier note, summer is almost here!! And I want to go on vacation somewhere that is NOT in Canada! I need to renew my passport. Hmmm… that will take me another month of actually doing it because I am lazy and queen procrastinator. Also, I want to go somewhere where I can walk around. Like a huge ass city and I get to see people and go see things. I want to SEE things! I want to not CODE AT ALL or be on a computer!

Maybe I will find love in an exotic place. Wait, I need to stop day dreaming eh? Finding a nice Arab man in an exotic place? Yah.. ok. But I am serious. Maybe it is time I settle down with Mr. Right. Unfortunately, he has not found me yet. I think he may have gotten hit by a truck and my luck is over. Oh well, at least being single and not “committed” to anyone and no one to drive me crazy and control me is a good thing. I don’t like being controlled at all.

One person on Facebook told me that I am such a challenge to deal with and “the one” has to be handle a “tough” girl. Well, I am just very opinionated, always has been, and I like to make my own decisions. I also don’t like to be controlled or asked, “Where were you? Why did you buy this? Why you don’t listen to me?” BLAH BLAH BLAH! And then compares me to other “behaved” Arab girls who “listen” to their man. BLAH! You want to be treated the same? Cuz I can be a total bitch too.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I joined the gym. I wish someone went to the gym with me and we could have fun sweating together!

Love you all. Have a wonderful day! Thanks for reading my blog and being a good love. I wish I can talk and hug every single one of you.

Blah Blah, Funny, Happy, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

I get a lot of emails and majority of them have a common theme. I know the frustration and lack of knowledge of a culture that makes everyone wonder why. Do I recommend you falling in love with someone with the boiling blood of a middle eastern? Do I recommend you falling in love with someone who loves you but the culture cannot fathom you both together?

Actually, I get a lot of emails from non-Arab men. They ask me for advice because they cannot understand how they fell in love with an Arab girl, but her family says no. I do not have an answer for that other than Arabs live in their cultural comfort zones. They love tradition, their culture, their middle eastern heritage, and only understand and want one to be the same.

I know you will say that it is the girl’s choice. I am marrying the girl not the family. Hello! Yes you are marrying the family, but for us Arabs, you are marrying the entire culture! It’s like seeing life in black and white. There is no middle ground for us. If you can break old habits and mesh in some way and be accepted, then you are successful. Otherwise, it is just so hard. It’s like Greeks and Italians and other eastern European countries. It’s a culture that is so intact and close to one another, that it is hard to penetrate.

I do feel your pain though. I really do. However, the other person should have been clear from the beginning before all this escalated to this point. I don’t know what else to say. It’s just a hard situation to deal with. Really hard.

Blah Blah, Culture, They said what?

I will tell you a little story of how a very quiet girl evolved to this!

I was very shy. I couldn’t talk properly, I couldn’t put my thoughts together in coherent sentences, or knew how to talk in public, or to others, because I just had this incredible amount of fear inside of me. I felt that whatever I say I will be judged and ridiculed by others. I felt that I had to portray my self in one and only one particular way and that is it! I lived that life up to my mid 20′s and then something changed me. I no longer liked me.

We all battle our inner selves, but it is only natural. However, in my case I was actually ridiculed for the most mundane stupidest unmentionable things. I didn’t know why or understand the reasons behind it, then one day, I put 1 and 1 together, and I realized that this is my life living in an Arab world but not on Arab soil.

Arab mentality drove me to the limit of insanity and extreme depression. Till this day I say, “whatever, YOU ARABS!” Don’t get me wrong, I do love being an Arab with high morals and great fundamental values. I appreciate that and I would not trade my culture or ever want to be someone else. I am grateful, but some things did not play well with me. I had to just end it right there and convince my self that this is not right. Who said it is right to begin with?

I am never going to try to change my roots. Never ever. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

But how did I change? When did I change? What helped? What didn’t?

I will not say this blog helped. This blog was a side kick to end the problems. It was more of a tool to find a solution and learn from others. I talked to the most incredible people and I have read the most intriguing stories from Arabs that helped me figure out what the real problems were. I know what the problem is now, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why most of you, although you know what so many of the problems are, cannot focus and tell your self that you had enough.

I am not telling you to stop or deny who you are, but I just want you to realize that you cannot continue living your life based on a culture instead of living your life based on YOU! Yes you!

This is my advice and I want you and I will be making it my mission in life is to make sure that Arabs break out of their shell. Break out of that multi-layered very thick Arab infused mentality of thick moldy exterior and wake up. The world around you is totally different and keeps changing, but the principles and habits are all skewed, and cannot keep sustaining you in this world. You will just end up being frustrated and angry all the time, as we can see now in the middle east. Just break that shell!

As I mentioned earlier, making this blog and writing in it since 2005 was really hard. However, it took me 5.5 years to break out of the shell. To be me, and not care about this person, or this mentality, and I just go up to anyone now, even a stranger and I can have a conversation. I can just say hi with my head held high and not care what they think of me or who I am or what I look like that day or why I even talk to a non-Arab or even another random Arab. I don’t need to justify everything, I just do it! Just do what you think you can do. If God judges us all individually, then why do we all have to live our lives the same way and judge each other collectively?

That’s why earlier in my previous blog post today I asked others if they can contribute something meaningful, truthful, honest, and can help others as well. But I found so much resistance from other Arabs because they were afraid to think or even break out of their shells. They are content. Fine. As long as you are happy, then that’s wonderful. But I know deep down inside of you, you wish you were someone else. Isn’t better to just be you then living in some dream. Don’t you think?

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!