Why the hell did I write this post a couple of days ago, and I was all excited and happy? Why does everything seem so yesterday or not satisfactory enough for the MOTHER! My God! Another angry post peepz! I am warning you!

Time: 12:30 pm
Location: Kitchen
Witnesses: No persons but a loud echo for the world to hear
Short memory: Only my mother

I was asked a couple of days ago I think on Twitter from @lela2000 if I was going to Lebanon this summer. I told her I wasn’t. Today, out of curiosity, I told my mom, “I want to go to Lebanon. It has been over 18 years since I stepped foot there, and I think the family is a bit unhappy with that.”

Mom nagging, “You what? Aren’t you ever going to look for work? Why can’t you find work? How come all those Arab girls have full time jobs and get paid so much?”

In my head, I wanted to commit murder that involved me and a butcher’s knife. I couldn’t hold my anger anymore.

I shouted, “I have money. I have so much money! I don’t need to keep making thousands of dollars a month to look at it. I want to enjoy my life! I am tired! There is a whole entire world out there. And stop comparing me to the shit Arabs that you know. Yes, they are pure shit, and I am sick and tired of you comparing me to them! I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!”

Mom screamed back, “I am not comparing you to anyone! But seriously, why do they have jobs and living a better life?!”

Wow wow wow.. now she pushed it!

I screamed back even more, “My life is fine! I hate being compared to people here. That’s the main problem between you and me. You keep comparing me to other people! They are pretty, they are skinny, they are married, they have jobs, they have children, they buy homes, blah blah blah! If I had a chance, I would leave this stupid city! Arab women that you know are uneducated liars who only care about making them selves seem perfect infront of everyone else. Stop believing every word they say! What do you want from me? I am educated! I worked for so many years! I have money! What do you want? Why should I kill my self to get any shitty stupid job to make you look good infront of those ARABS!”

She didn’t have a reason for work except that all my money will soon be gone. Although I told her that if I wasn’t making any money online, but paying stupid monthly bills, I can live off my money for over 3 years!

Mom screamed back even more and more, “That means you hate me also because I am friends with these Arabs. Who do you think you are? You are an Arab!”

I said firmly, “I am not a backwards Arab!”

Mom left, then dad came to see why mom and I were arguing. “What’s wrong?” he said.

I told him exactly what happened, and how I make money online and I want to go see the family I have! What am I waiting for? To get a 9-5 job or die not seeing blood relatives? Why do I have to be stuck in this country? I am Canadian! I can go anywhere in this world! (Well, mostly everywhere.)

My dad said, “Go to Lebanon. Don’t worry about it. And don’t worry about all those Arabs here. When you were working for 6.5 years, how many of those Arabs were working? None of them. Or is it just a new trend this job thing during an economic crisis? How come ALL of them have jobs now or getting paid so much?”

Announcement: Middle East! The Rebellious Arab Girl is coming to you soon after almost 17 years apart! Meet me at Beirut Airport sometime after Ramadan 2009! That’s in the end of September or early October. I will also swing by Syria to visit the awesomeness of the old city, Damascus. Middle east… oh back home.. the blogging and photos from there will kick ass!

Angry, Blah Blah, They said what?, Travel, Whatever!

I have been listening to the news lately about elections taking place in various countries this month. I am not interested in politics, or who are the people running, or how much money they bribed the people to vote for them. What grabbed my attention is the people outside of their home lands, those that have been living abroad for many years, have been voting like crazy at their home countries foreign embassies.

I am going to generalize for a bit to a certain but obvious group of people that live abroad.

Most likely, you left your country voluntarily and have been living outside of it for so many years. Most likely you have a dual citizenship, and allowed to vote for a leader back home. So, you left to find a better life outside of your home country, or better education, or better work placements for financial stability, or the obvious, many of you left your country because of political unsettlement, civil wars, or for just a plain new experience.

What puzzles me, is that thousands of people living for all those years outside their home lands, stand in line for hours and hours to just vote for a new political leader in the country they have not been living in for ages, and most likely don’t want to live in again. The country that they decided to leave, decided to not go back with their knowledge and education, decided to not go back to help stimulate the economy by starting new business ventures to compete with other nations, and decided to not introduce the positive things they learned living abroad to enhance the life situation and thinking of their people.

Yet, those people want to vote for a new political leader for their home lands? Why? Are they doing it to just be part of something because they can? Are they doing it so their name is recorded as a person that voted? Seriously, why?

I question those things because I will never understand it. I suffer from a psychological problem and an ideology that I have been brain washed with growing up. I have this thing called diasporic discontent. I keep asking my self, why? Why us? So, why so many people doing that? They voluntarily left their country, but still want to be politically a part of it? Some of us didn’t voluntarily leave it. Some of us were born outside because we were forced to, and labeled as refugees. In Canada, we were labeled as Stateless. Stateless? How can I be stateless if my birth certificate says that my nationality is Palestinian, and my father and mother are Palestinian? But it is all politics!

If someone out there gives me the power to go vote, then I will think about it first. Will I feel good afterward? I have a very sentimental attachment to my home land. I find it an honour to brag about. However, telling me that I can vote for someone over there, but I have no intention of going back, seriously makes me a traitor to who I am. Obviously, if you ask any Palestinian out there, they would tell you they will sell everything no matter where they are in the world, if they are allowed to go back home and live in peace. Voting is not really an important factor, and kind of stupid to do it from far away. We rather just live there, go back, rebuild it, then just going to an embassy and casting a vote to someone that will not effect us directly.

So why bother to vote? Just go back if you care so much. Some of us are not so lucky to do that!

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Palestine, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

As the years pass by, we seem to grow up mentality and physically. For many of us, the melanocyte stem cells seem to die a lot quicker than others. Sucks to be us sometimes. Fortunately, our perception of the world in this era that we live in has completely changed. We know too much. All forms of media, especially TV and Internet, has really changed our perception and understanding of life. I think we are way smarter and knowledgeable of various potential scenarios of life than people did over 20 years ago.

[source]

However, no matter how those factors play in our daily lives, some of us still suffer from people leaving us out, or pointing out that we “didn’t go through it,” or “not experienced with it hands on.” Is that a reason to ignore us, or tell us that you don’t want our point of view, or is even considered a point of view?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about everyone’s advice to me from the Internet. I appreciate advice, and I really like it when people try to understand and put them selves in my shoes. That is great, but only if they did it with well thought of understanding and good intentions.

I am different and I perceive life differently than many people. I always try really hard to put my self in someone’s shoes just once. I try really hard to understand what a person is going through and why. I try really hard to picture various outcomes from a situation. I try really hard to know everything about various situations that I could possibly be in down the road.

I am a knowledge addict. I try to gain as much knowledge as I can from the world around me. If something strikes my head, I will just look it up and understand it even more. If I can’t, I read what others are saying about it. I read people’s experiences and their perception of the situation, especially through blogs. I don’t want to be “left out” or “ignored” from a conversation. Although people that know me personally know that I don’t talk or converse in a group situation, but they know I am a deep listener. However, in one to one situations, I am very outspoken and I got an opinion to everything. Even if that opinion does not interest me, or I have never experienced it in my entire life, it does not mean I know nothing about it.

Sometimes when I am conversing with my mother about how older generation Arabs are, she shockingly asks me, “How do you know how most Arabs think? Have you been hanging out with people my age? You know too much for a person that does not interact with many Arabs or many people at all.” When she tells me that, I laugh. I don’t even know where to begin explaining to her that I know too much, because I utilize the new media to my advantage. It’s out there, then why not use it to try to understand everything around me?

[source]

What am I trying to really get at you might ask? Well, I feel that many people have ignored me or put me down during many conversations about life or whatever, because to them I am just a 28 year old loser that didn’t go through what they are going through. I don’t have the proper experience, or none at all. I will list some scenarios:

1. Marriage

Although I discuss marriage on my blog, and I am not married, people have messaged me telling me that I know it so well, like a person who is already married. Why? Simple. I know enough from learning about it. I can picture it. I have this God given intellect to picture a situation, understand it with the best of my ability, and know how to deal with it when the time comes.

2. Wedding & Engagement Preparations

I was never engaged or married. However, I know everything about preparing for one. It is actually a good thing, because I know what to avoid and what I like. Because I never experienced it, does not mean I cannot do it on my own, or discuss it as a knowledgeable person in that area.

3. Raising Children

I know you may ask, how the hell you would go that far if you are not even married? Well, simple. I maybe a very fortunate person in that area. I am 14.5 years older than my sister. I saw how my sister was raised. I was old enough to understand it, and I learned from it. My brother, when he used to live here with his wife, I saw how a baby was born and taken care of at an even older age. I understand the steps. I know what to avoid in the future if I ever want kids. I know how to raise them in this rapidly moving world. I know how a mother must act and why for the sake of the child. I understand it, because I was surrounded by it all the time.

4. Different Work Environments

This is the one thing that pisses me off in this world that we live in, especially in the Information Technology world. I cannot get a job beyond what I used to do or even close to what I did, because I was not in the same environment as another company might be in. That makes no sense, but I understand why hiring managers would think that. 99% of the people that interviewed me have not studied Computer Science or Software Engineering. Yet, they are the managers for IT. Don’t even get me started on that unfair bull shit. The reason they say I have limited skills or experience, because they don’t understand the way a Computer Scientist thinks.

If you have been reading carefully this post, and trying to understand the hidden meaning behind it, then you would know why I think the way that I do. Most Computer Science graduates would relate to my thinking, because that is the way they were trained to think. Yes, we are trained to think in an analytical way. We are trained to think of various situations, picture our selves in it, plan them, come up with every possible test case, and don’t deliver the final product until everything is fully developed to specification. Sounds nerdy I know! I know you are asking your self, why the hell no one is hiring you? I told you of the unfairness, and you also got to think like me, to understand all the potentials that I can possibly offer, no matter what I have experienced already. My brain is very analytical, and it is like that with all Technology professionals.

This is the way we view life, and every possible situation that we could be in.

In conclusion, people out there need to understand that because I am my age, and have not experienced or is experiencing the same life situations as someone else, does not mean I know nothing about it. Telling me, “oh you don’t know anything about it, forget it,” really pisses me off. It makes me beyond angry. You are undermining my intellect. If I don’t know something, I will say it. I am not ashamed of not knowing something, but I am smart enough to find an answer. I am smart enough to picture my self in it.

Why do people place this invisible barrier with people like me?

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

I want to tell people, especially Arab guys, that it is ok for a girl to be tough, to have her own opinions, and to be honest. I am that way, and I chose to be that way, and I have nothing to hide. The problem is, this mentality that Arab society has with the differentiation of males and females, especially in North America.

So, I straight up and tell a guy everything. If he doesn’t like me for being me, then forget him. I got nothing to hide. I have nothing to be fearful of. I never did anything bad in my life. Yet, when it comes to Arabs, they think the older you are, more than 20, then you had more time to do everything bad in the book. Yet, when it comes to the males, they could have done everything horrible in life, but when it comes to marriage, they want the perfect innocent girl. The younger, the better, and less “worldly experiences” that she has gone through.

Why is that?

It’s funny the way people portray us Arabs, and especially Muslims. The majority of people, especially in this global village that we live in, are aware of all the religious customs, cultural traditions, etc. So, when a non-Arab or non-Muslim guy asks me, “why don’t you drink?” I say, “because it is a sin, and we are not supposed to.” Then the guy replies, “well, why does this XXXXX (Arab/Muslim) guy/girl does it?”

How do you expect me to respond to that?

I think at times I am trying really hard to protect my self, because of the image that others have made of us in this society. That’s why a lot of people don’t respect Arabs or Muslims. We are either called extremist or white/black wannabes. Is this right? Why should I have to keep justifying this and that person’s action? It got to the point of no trust between Arabs themselves. The image has been ruined because of all the crap that many do. Yet, somehow the good people that are trying so hard to make a better image for themselves, are always ridiculed and pushed back because of their age and gender, and what is being heard from everyone else’s stupid actions.

I want to clarify that image. I am trying so hard to tell people, “Listen, I made this site to tell Arabs that what they are doing is wrong. Also, I want to portray to the rest of the world, especially Arabs that many of us Arab girls are good. We are good people that come from good families and are raised well. Don’t judge us because of someone else’s actions and age. The older we are, the smarter we are in handling life. Is that such a bad thing? Really?”

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Religion, They said what?, Whatever!

When you got nothing to do, and you don’t want to do anything anyways, because life sucks and you are soaking in your seat waiting for a miracle from God, then you don’t need someone breathing down your neck AT ALL!

[source]

I have tried really hard to ignore people so they would stop bugging me. However, I can’t escape from the MOTHER! My Lord, I don’t understand why I have to keep putting up with her. I swear, at this rate, I am glad I am not married or being a mother. My kids will HATE me. They will seriously hate my guts if I acted like a typical Arabic mother, like my mother. I swear, it is a curse, I will end up like her. Everything rubs off. Like mother like daughter they say. Yet, maybe I have this little ounce of consideration and understanding of people’s lives that will make me just a tad bit different than her!

I don’t talk. If I was able to talk, I would explode right now. I would have so much shit to say to both my parents, that I would seriously forget how to speak Arabic, and start ranting in English like I do on my site. I wish at times I can just tell them exactly how I feel and tell them it is ALL YOUR FAULT! Leave me be miserable in my own little world that was a result of YOU! However, no. I can’t do that. I was born with this little guilt like life, raised to respect my elders, not talk about anything that will piss them off, and keep suffering from the inside.

THAT IS NO REASON TO KEEP KILLING ME!

I was watching The Rachel Ray show this afternoon, and I was laying down on my Lay-Z boy chair. The thing is amazing. Probably the best thing anyone can ever give me. I want my great great 1000 years from now grand-kids to inherit this thing. So, I was just laying on it and watching TV, because I got nothing else to do with my life. I have no energy or care anymore to do anything with my life. What’s the point? Work, put money in the bank, and look at it. Is that a life? No. So I will stick to laying down and doing nothing.

So, she comes to the door of my little office and tells me this:

Mother: “Is this your life now? Just laying down and watching TV?”

Me: “Yes. What do you want me to do now?”

Mother: “Don’t sit, do something.”

I gave her a dirty unsatisfied look and rolled my eyes.

Mother: “I saw you giving me that look. Am I not allowed to talk now? Is this how your life is?”

I fumed and increased my decibels.

Me: “I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? IS THERE SOMETHING TO DO? TELL ME!”

Mother got angry now.

Mother: “There is no point in talking to you anymore. Just stay there and do nothing.”

I didn’t understand what she wanted me to do. What was her plan? She is already ashamed of me because I don’t have a job. What will she tell her friends? Mona does not work? OH NO! I don’t even get out of the house till late afternoon so her friends won’t accidentally see me outside in the mall or walking in the neighbourhood and thinking, “OH MY GOD! MONA IS NOT WORKING!!”

Do Arabs have nothing better to do than pin point each other out and ask why why why?

Is it wrong to not work? It used to be or still is this bad thing that an Arabic girl who is 28 and beyond expiry date to not be married, but not having a JOB? Now that’s putting shame on the entire family!

That’s the modern way of Arab thinking.

And people even dare ask me how I have a Computer Science degree, have 6 years of experience, and can’t get a job with all THAT. My only answer, hmm, “I am a girl. I look young. I don’t look like a nerd, in fact, I look like someone who should be working in something more girly like HR, or banks.” So do you think anyone would take me seriously with the way I look in this money hungry world that is going through a recession? Even if I show them all the work I have done in the past, sugar coat everything I say, try to sell my self, and over exaggerate how awesome I am, no one will care! I am not joking here people, I am considering really hard many many options, but they will cost me money. I am thinking of going back to University and doing another degree. But I don’t know if I want to be 31/32 years old when I graduate from the second one. That’s a big commitment. Also, I don’t think I have the will power to go back and listen to boring lectures from professors who are there because they are forced to, so they can continue getting grant money to do their research and publish papers.

I publish EVERY DAY! I should have earned my PhD in ranting by now!

Moreover, I asked a bunch of Arabic girls a couple of days ago on Facebook and Twitter, what is their biggest problem being an Arab? The most common theme was, “I AM AN ARAB GIRL! ARAB SOCIETY, ESPECIALLY MY PARENTS, NEED TO LEAVE ME ALONE TO DO WHAT I WANT! I am NOT doing anything WRONG! What’s wrong if I MAKE MY OWN CHOICES and LIVE MY OWN LIFE! WHY they DON’T have any TRUST in me?”

They have no trust in us, and treat us like we are a shame on the family if we are not married or working or whatever shit they come up with to “raise their heads high” with us. I think and I am 100% sure that they treat us this way because they doubt THEIR WAYS of raising their OWN kids!

Arabs say, “now how polite and nice that girl is, she was raised well.”

Arabs say, “oh, she is not married. She is not working. She is not … whatever , then it must be her parent’s fault and HERS too, because she was raised this way.”

Do you see now my problem? I know many people have been messaging me and emailing me, and I apologize for not responding, but what do you want me to say more than what I say on this blog? BEING AN ARAB SOMETIMES SUCKS!

And my mother came back again while I was writing this post and saying, why don’t you go outside  and walk for a bit? I told her, I DO EVERY DAY! FOR OVER AN HOUR!” She said, “you are only walking in a mall. That’s not walking.”

??? Can someone shoot me now and end my misery. Please?

Angry, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!