It’s that day again. Yep! You guessed it. It’s Valentines day, and I will carry on the same old tradition as I did for the past 3 years. I gathered all my readers and asked them to help me boycott it! I can’t believe that people still think that loving a person should be a one day special thing. What about the rest of the days of the year? What about those other people that don’t have anyone to love?

There ya go!

Also, I posted a poll that was running on my blog for the past two weeks, and so far these are the results. I am so disappointed. Most of you live in la la land!!

 Loading ...

History of my utter despise of Valentines Day

• February 14, 2006
• February 14, 2007
• February 14, 2008
• February 14, 2009

Angry, Random Thoughts, Whatever!

Some people continue wanting to get in touch with me.

Some people keep sending me SMS thinking, “oh, things are normal again. Been a few days, and she must have forgotten.”

Some people have no idea that I am serious, very revengeful and I would rather be left alone.

I really like being left alone. I don’t want to talk to people, or know their stories, or fill my brain with too many thoughts about someone else and forget me.

Can people leave me alone and let me concentrate on my life?

I am a bad friend and should never have friends.

I am a bad listener.

I am just a bad person who needs to be left alone and forgotten about.

I want my space.

I want to re-evalaute everything about me.

I want to find out my mistakes.

I want to correct my life.

I do not give a crap who reads my blog and what they think of me after so many years.

I just want to be left alone for a very long time till this phase ends.

Is that too much to ask?

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.

My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.

If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”

Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.

Cause

When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”

I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.

Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.

Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.

You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”

I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?

Time

As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?

I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.

2009

After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”

I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?

As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.

Recovery

I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.

Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.

You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

This is part three of the year end manifestation of the life of my blog.

My blog this year won so many awards, that I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count them! NOT!! (Didn’t I sound cheesy and dorky like the rest of the bloggers out there?) But yes, my blog won a lot of invisible mind boggling awards. I won people’s readerships. That’s the biggest award I can get as a blogger. I don’t care about best blog, or best writer, or best anything. Who cares? It’s like winning a virtual banner to advertise someone else’s bright idea that started the campaign.

Really, if the prize was money based, then people will be all over it! I would be so all over it!

So, I am gonna list the top blog posts this year by comments, my favorites, and ones that I should have never published, but found their way online cause of my insomnia or excessive amounts of coffee!

Top Blog Posts 2009 | Comments & Reactions

1. April 28, 2009 | It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a conspiracy theory!
2. June 7, 2009 | The Arab Blogorette
3. June 16, 2009 | I think it is time for change!
4. August 25, 2009 | Why are Muslims turning Atheists?
5. August 30, 2009 | Analysis: It is much harder to get rid of her
6. September 7, 2009 | Arabs marrying non-Arabs
7. September 18, 2009 | Window shopping for a bride
8. October 27, 2009 | Symbols of being different

Top Blog Posts 2009 | Monaism & Love

1. January 15, 2009 | Are good people always the victims of life?
2. March 31, 2009 | How accurate is this?
3. April 20, 2009 | Airports think I am a perv!
4. May 21, 2009 | A way to relieve stress
5. July 15, 2009 | Teaching a child the basics of the internet world
6. September 6, 2009 | No Comment
7. September 24, 2009 | I am sick and tired of looking for work!!! NO MORE!
8. December 4, 2009 | The typicals
9. December 26, 2009 | I am the master of my choices

Top Blog Pots 2009 | Those That Should Have Never Been

1. January 28, 2009 | The blogging world is run by monkeys
2. May 4, 2009 | I thought I held the title of taking things too seriously
3. June 20, 2009 | The media has been following me for over two decades
4. September 26, 2009 | I don’t like talking about sex in public

Advertising, Advice, Angry, Blah Blah, Blog Review, Categorize this!, Confused, Contest, Culture, Depressed, Facebook, Funny, Geeky, Guest Post, Happy, Idiots, Interview, My taste of Music, Palestine, Programming, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Recipes/Food, Religion, Sleepy Post, Squibby, Tagged, Thank you, They said what?, Travel, Tweets, Video, Videocast, Visitor Taking Over, Whatever!

I have met a lot of idiots in my life. Ok, let me rephrase that. I have met a lot of selfish idiots in my life. They range from close family members, close friends, to people who never appreciated you for who you are, or what you ever done for them.

However, I don’t want people to remember me for what I did for them. I want people to remember me for who I am. For what I said one day, and what I believe in.

I will tell you guys something. I hate this blog. I hate writing on this blog because people can’t talk to me anymore or be honest. They try to communicate with me, and instead of using the conventional methods or a more truthful manner, they resort to coming here. They want to say something to me, but they don’t dare to.

I also blame my self. I am not happy with my life. I mean for goodness sake. I am 29 years old, and I am fully responsible for giving money to my family in order to survive since I am the only one employed. I save zero money in the end of the month. I don’t get paid much, and I can’t think beyond a month from now or even think of my self.  My main concern in life is how to keep this household alive and paying the bills.

So much responsibility for a person that doesn’t even have a family of her own. Can’t even think of a reason to move on, because she worries about her current family’s situation that anything she does that even is remotely close to selfish, or she can call her own, is impossible.

Now people wonder why I don’t have time for them. Why I don’t have time to say hello or bother. Not only that, but since I don’t want to be poor for the rest of my life, I decided to start using up that credit card and enroll in higher education that I can do online. You know, because my life is not worrisome enough and so busy, that I had to do that, because I know I don’t want to be like this 5 years from now.

So yeah.. for that person and that person, and even that person that knows who they are, have a nice life. You ended up being a narcissistic bull headed inconsiderate piece of shit just like any other person I met. You are no different.

You should salute your self you cowardly fool. You ended up on my list of all the other idiots I met in my life. They are far too many of you. I wonder how you will survive in this world with your continued denials.

P.S. Happy new year.

Advice, Angry, Blah Blah, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!