It’s that day again. Yep! You guessed it. It’s Valentines day, and I will carry on the same old tradition as I did for the past 3 years. I gathered all my readers and asked them to help me boycott it! I can’t believe that people still think that loving a person should be a one day special thing. What about the rest of the days of the year? What about those other people that don’t have anyone to love?

There ya go!

Also, I posted a poll that was running on my blog for the past two weeks, and so far these are the results. I am so disappointed. Most of you live in la la land!!

History of my utter despise of Valentines Day

• February 14, 2006
• February 14, 2007
• February 14, 2008
• February 14, 2009

Some people continue wanting to get in touch with me.

Some people keep sending me SMS thinking, “oh, things are normal again. Been a few days, and she must have forgotten.”

Some people have no idea that I am serious, very revengeful and I would rather be left alone.

I really like being left alone. I don’t want to talk to people, or know their stories, or fill my brain with too many thoughts about someone else and forget me.

Can people leave me alone and let me concentrate on my life?

I am a bad friend and should never have friends.

I am a bad listener.

I am just a bad person who needs to be left alone and forgotten about.

I want my space.

I want to re-evalaute everything about me.

I want to find out my mistakes.

I want to correct my life.

I do not give a crap who reads my blog and what they think of me after so many years.

I just want to be left alone for a very long time till this phase ends.

Is that too much to ask?

I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.

My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.

If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”

Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.

Cause

When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”

I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.

Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.

Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.

You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”

I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?

Time

As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?

I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.

2009

After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”

I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?

As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.

Recovery

I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.

Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.

You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”

This is part three of the year end manifestation of the life of my blog.

My blog this year won so many awards, that I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count them! NOT!! (Didn’t I sound cheesy and dorky like the rest of the bloggers out there?) But yes, my blog won a lot of invisible mind boggling awards. I won people’s readerships. That’s the biggest award I can get as a blogger. I don’t care about best blog, or best writer, or best anything. Who cares? It’s like winning a virtual banner to advertise someone else’s bright idea that started the campaign.

Really, if the prize was money based, then people will be all over it! I would be so all over it!

So, I am gonna list the top blog posts this year by comments, my favorites, and ones that I should have never published, but found their way online cause of my insomnia or excessive amounts of coffee!

Top Blog Posts 2009 | Comments & Reactions

1. April 28, 2009 | It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a conspiracy theory!
2. June 7, 2009 | The Arab Blogorette
3. June 16, 2009 | I think it is time for change!
4. August 25, 2009 | Why are Muslims turning Atheists?
5. August 30, 2009 | Analysis: It is much harder to get rid of her
6. September 7, 2009 | Arabs marrying non-Arabs
7. September 18, 2009 | Window shopping for a bride
8. October 27, 2009 | Symbols of being different

Top Blog Posts 2009 | Monaism & Love

1. January 15, 2009 | Are good people always the victims of life?
2. March 31, 2009 | How accurate is this?
3. April 20, 2009 | Airports think I am a perv!
4. May 21, 2009 | A way to relieve stress
5. July 15, 2009 | Teaching a child the basics of the internet world
6. September 6, 2009 | No Comment
7. September 24, 2009 | I am sick and tired of looking for work!!! NO MORE!
8. December 4, 2009 | The typicals
9. December 26, 2009 | I am the master of my choices

Top Blog Pots 2009 | Those That Should Have Never Been

1. January 28, 2009 | The blogging world is run by monkeys
2. May 4, 2009 | I thought I held the title of taking things too seriously
3. June 20, 2009 | The media has been following me for over two decades
4. September 26, 2009 | I don’t like talking about sex in public

I have met a lot of idiots in my life. Ok, let me rephrase that. I have met a lot of selfish idiots in my life. They range from close family members, close friends, to people who never appreciated you for who you are, or what you ever done for them.

However, I don’t want people to remember me for what I did for them. I want people to remember me for who I am. For what I said one day, and what I believe in.

I will tell you guys something. I hate this blog. I hate writing on this blog because people can’t talk to me anymore or be honest. They try to communicate with me, and instead of using the conventional methods or a more truthful manner, they resort to coming here. They want to say something to me, but they don’t dare to.

I also blame my self. I am not happy with my life. I mean for goodness sake. I am 29 years old, and I am fully responsible for giving money to my family in order to survive since I am the only one employed. I save zero money in the end of the month. I don’t get paid much, and I can’t think beyond a month from now or even think of my self.  My main concern in life is how to keep this household alive and paying the bills.

So much responsibility for a person that doesn’t even have a family of her own. Can’t even think of a reason to move on, because she worries about her current family’s situation that anything she does that even is remotely close to selfish, or she can call her own, is impossible.

Now people wonder why I don’t have time for them. Why I don’t have time to say hello or bother. Not only that, but since I don’t want to be poor for the rest of my life, I decided to start using up that credit card and enroll in higher education that I can do online. You know, because my life is not worrisome enough and so busy, that I had to do that, because I know I don’t want to be like this 5 years from now.

So yeah.. for that person and that person, and even that person that knows who they are, have a nice life. You ended up being a narcissistic bull headed inconsiderate piece of shit just like any other person I met. You are no different.

You should salute your self you cowardly fool. You ended up on my list of all the other idiots I met in my life. They are far too many of you. I wonder how you will survive in this world with your continued denials.

P.S. Happy new year.

After 4 years of complaining and releasing all that built up anger on this blog, I discovered that it was all in my head. In reality, I am not like this. I swear to God, I am no where close to what I write on here. I write here the afterthoughts that resulted in anger from the life that I am living, and from the people I interact with every day.

In reality, I will ignore you. If you did something that I did not like, or I feel that things need to end so no one will get hurt, then I will just ignore you. That’s how I solve the problems, instead of being hated as a person for the things that I say. I hate hurting people, because people have hurted me enough in the past by the stupid things they did or said.

I don’t like talking to you about a deep personal problem. I don’t like to tell you there is a problem, because then people think I whine or complain too much. Hence, I made this blog instead. Why risk it in real life? This is just a blog.

I don’t like talking about people behind their backs, because honestly, I don’t gain anything that way. I don’t like to spread crap about people. That’s horrible and hurtful. I am not like that.

Why am I mentioning all this?

You see, I discovered all this lately, and if you have been reading my Twitters @rebelliousgirl and blog, then you would have noticed my utter dissatisfaction with some people. I then realized why so many people over the past 4 years kept telling me, “You are not rebellious.” I agree, I am not rebellious in the sense that you are thinking. I am rebellious in speaking out about problems and ideas that affect a generation of people. That’s why I kept up the name Rebellious.

However, in real life, I am too quiet, super nice, very respectful to others, and a child at heart. That’s really me, and that’s why I get treated like I am nothing. It’s ok, one day, and I repeatedly keep telling my self this, one day I will show them. I will show the entire world that I am just a cub that has not fully grown yet to be a lion. It’s funny saying that at my age, but really, it takes time to reach your real goals.

I kept mentioning this to everyone: that if you try to be something big so fast, you will fall. You will fall faster than the way you went up. When I see you down there, I will just look at you and not say a thing.

Intelligence

I will tell you how many stupid, ignorant, and bull headed people I met in my life. Ok, fine. Let’s reverse that, and I will tell you how many smart people I met in my life. Two or three only. I am not joking. I am talking here about intelligence. Are you smart? Do you think for yourself? Are you willing to go that extra mile to know something instead of wasting someone else’s time by asking them constantly? Do you know what’s going on in the world? Do you know what’s going on outside of your community, outside of your city, outside of your country? Do you know anything?

And when you can’t find the answer, or you don’t bother to understand or cope with the problem, you put all your anger on someone else. It’s easier that way. Isn’t it?

Amusingly, intelligent people hire those fools. They are called followers, and do a good job at:

1. Bitching.
2. Thinking they are all that.
3. Getting frustrated easily and getting extremely angry.
4. Having a horrible family life, most are divorced, and can’t contain their own children, which leads to point 5.
5. Not being able to distinguish where they are at. That being on a job or still at home trying to contain those children.
6. Staying in one spot all their life. They don’t progress at all in life.

Don’t think I am being mean here. I am not. I will tell you this honestly. My problem is that I am far too intelligent. My intelligence lead me to be patient, understanding, argumentative, and not be easily convinced. I think too much. Intelligent people don’t stop thinking. They wonder, discover, and try to understand. Many people are not like this. I was surprised.  People are afraid to get out of their comfort zone. They are scared shitless and get angry when they don’t understand. When you try to explain, they get more angry and think you are speaking above them.

How did they manage to survive in such a world? Or are they intelligently capable of being just a follower? Are those the people that have and keep jobs? I think so. Because honestly, based on my hopes and dreams for the future, those people will make my life a lot easier. Jesus Christ! I never seen such foolish people. They are good at one thing, sort of, but that’s enough for me! Shit if I cared if they know or can do anything else. That’s my job, and I will progress in life. They won’t, and they will never get in my way, ever!

Being a very patient person really comes from your exceptional intelligence. Remember that!

I will make this post really simple to comprehend by giving you a real world example. Sounds simple eh?

Warning: this post gets vulgar in the end. Like it matters. This site was rated NC-17 since day one!

Here is the hypothetical scenario peoples. You one day out of the blue, out of utter boredom, decide to go on your computer and type on the browser, (you know what browser is right? It’s that blue icon with a huge ass E that breaks a lot and fills your computer with viruses. Yep, that one), in the little box that indicates that you can search for anything, you type the following phrase, “Arab girl.” It is really nothing special. Maybe it is to you, but really, it is not. There is like millions of us. We come in all shapes and colours. We come from all religions. Watch out! We may even live in a neighborhood near you. However, we are not all the same! Do you understand?

As you clicked on that magical button that says search, you get this peculiar website coming up first in your search results. Dammit, who the hell owns this site? Rebellious? Definitely porn related, or something hot and sexy. Meow! CLICK CLICK CLICK!

Unfortunately, and I really mean it, UNFORTUNATELY, you ended up on some wacko Arab girl’s website living Canada. Jeez Louis! It’s that girl from Canada that happens to be Arab.

50% of the real world scenarios, a person would just click on the back button, and go search for something way more interesting. Arab girl? Not very much. Batman is way cooler! (Trust me on this one, search Batman!)

Anyways, the other 50% that actually clicked on this blog have decided to check it out. Oh, Rebellious? Oh, Arab? Oh, GIRL? You got to be kidden me? I don’t even believe it my self. Who the hell calls themselves Rebellious Arab Girl. What an idiotic thing to do!

……. few thousands of dollars later. (Cha ching!)

So, you clicked, you saw, you read. That’s the real actions you did.

You read, and you think you enjoyed it. Oh, this girl actually tells the truth. Oh my God! She is spilling the beans. Oh my God! She is telling it like it is!

I like her, or NOT!

Days pass, weeks pass, and every day you inevitably read this girl’s blog. Very addictive read. You really like it. Then one day, she writes something you did not like, or you thought it was worth giving your own take on the matter. Fair enough. It’s an open forum for various debates, but with one ruler.

Unfortunately, that girl, who you have been reading her blog for so long, and her way of thinking should have sunk into your little head by now, refused to agree with you. She said, “No!” She had every reason to say no. You also had every reason to say no. So why did you say no, and she cannot say no back? Because it was YOU?

Hell broke loose…

Now I will try to dumb it down, and speak Urbanized English, so you will actually understand the rest of this:

You came on my territorial ground, you gave me an opinion that really was not worth it for me to answer or even argue back, and then you want me to agree no matter what or else? Then you get pissed off so much that you cannot stand that a girl that you will never meet or even see in your life (who happens to look not too shabby for a girl,) actually said NO to you! So, you take out your tiny weapon that you love sticking out all the time to show how tough you are, and splash it all over her site, and think she will definitely agree with you that way? It’s like telling her, “Yo bitch! Agree with me or else I will trash this site and leave a huge stink bomb for every one to smell see. That’s how us tough people do it. We use force because we ain’t one of those people that are good with words. Trash this mother fucker!”

My Real Answer

I ain’t no one’s bitch, Bitch!

P.S. Why do you even bother to argue with this ONE girl that obviously argues for pleasure? I should have been a lawyer.

I am a stereotypical, hypocritical, overbearing religious child.

Does that make sense at all?

That’s a snippet of an email I got today from some chick who had a serious problem with me dissing slutty Arab girls. In reality, she had a problem with me having an opinion. I don’t understand this, if I talk about anything religious, then overly religious people send me hate mail and swear left and right at me. By the way, if you are so religious, then why the hell you go on the internet and throw derogatory statements at some anonymous girl from Canada? And if I write anything about the nastiness that some people do, I get hate mail from people that don’t like it, and call me religious or pretending to be one.

Seriously, I don’t get it, what is wrong with you people? You don’t like what I have to say, then go somewhere else that has some closed minded mass opinionated topics.

By the way, stick and stones may break my bones, but I still don’t give a shit!

[Photo Source]

What amazed me that someone called me a hypocritical overbearing religious child. Fine, call me overbearing, and call me a child. But religious and before that calling me hypocritical? Makes no sense, but I wouldn’t call my self religious at all. I call my self neutral. I am not a crazy religious fanatic or anything. At the same time, I am not anti-religious or “rebellious” against religion. However, how can you explain that to people that come to your site from another site or search engine, and then stay on your site for maximum 10 minutes, and formulate an end-all be-all opinion about you?

I know many bloggers out there that have the same problems as me. That’s why I am writing this post. This is what happens when you have a blog for so long. You can’t even protect what you have written anymore, and some topics are so old that you cannot remember what you wrote or why you wrote them. I disabled comments from posts over 7 days old, and have a re-captcha for protection against spam, but how can I protect or avoid those lurkers?

I have a new plan for the next year, and it will annoy the hell out of everyone, but you know what, in the end of the day, this blog is just an online diary of my self. It contains my opinions about life in general, and that’s it.

Finally, think of if this way: if I tell you that your shirt is ugly, then go ask a million other people if they think so to, but don’t take my word on it. It is just my stereotypical, hypocritical, and overbearing opinion of your hideous shirt.

I don’t know about you, but I noticed a big difference when I speak to Arab and non-Arab females. The Arab females ask you what you have been up to, blah blah blah, but throw in this:

“Did you meet anyone yet? When are you getting married or plan to?” And they throw in too, “What are you planning to cook today?”

When you talk to non-Arab females, they converse with you and ask this:

“How are you? How was your weekend? Any plans for today? You planning a vacation?”

See the difference in mentality?

I am not white washed or anything or ever will be. I don’t get affected by anyone, and I make my own choices. I am very Arab, but I call my self the very liberal in thinking Arab. I just think outside the box, and go beyond that little scope of thinking this: “Only a good Arab girl will end up in her husband’s house, and he will take care of her forever!”

Dear God!!! When I hear that crap on TV or from other Arab females I think, “Why won’t women ever learn to take care of themselves if something happens like, oh I don’t know, divorce, disability, or death. The horrible triple D’s that should be on every un-educated, overly dependent females’ notes of possibilities!”

But let’s face it, Arab females only care about one thing: Marriage. It’s like their only mission in life!

From all this ranting and thinking, I want to do something with my life. I want to be known as someone important that did something that no one else did. Something to be proud of, and is a very high achievement in life. So when people talk to me, they would think, “Yep, that’s Mona! She did something different with her life that recognized her as a human being with her own distinct thoughts and noticeable intelligence!”

I reset my keyword search phrase listing 2 days ago. I wanted to show you guys that I am not the crazy insane girl that is spreading nastiness. Well, now I am, but I am trying to prove a point here. 50% or more of the people that visit my site from search engines are sick minded nasty people.

Warning! The following list contains horrible nastiness. Read at your own discretion. It is rated 21+! I wrote none of this, and I have no intention to discuss them. Read and make your own judgments. And don’t be surprised that the people that comment on my site or write me angry emails are one of those people that searched for something “very secretive,” but received something worse: ME!

The last two columns are the number of times the phrase was searched, and overall percentage.

If you reached this far, then you seriously have too much time on your hand. If you skipped it all, and read this, then you are smart and have better things to do with your life!