I was very shy. I couldn’t talk properly, I couldn’t put my thoughts together in coherent sentences, or knew how to talk in public, or to others, because I just had this incredible amount of fear inside of me. I felt that whatever I say I will be judged and ridiculed by others. I felt that I had to portray my self in one and only one particular way and that is it! I lived that life up to my mid 20′s and then something changed me. I no longer liked me.

We all battle our inner selves, but it is only natural. However, in my case I was actually ridiculed for the most mundane stupidest unmentionable things. I didn’t know why or understand the reasons behind it, then one day, I put 1 and 1 together, and I realized that this is my life living in an Arab world but not on Arab soil.

Arab mentality drove me to the limit of insanity and extreme depression. Till this day I say, “whatever, YOU ARABS!” Don’t get me wrong, I do love being an Arab with high morals and great fundamental values. I appreciate that and I would not trade my culture or ever want to be someone else. I am grateful, but some things did not play well with me. I had to just end it right there and convince my self that this is not right. Who said it is right to begin with?

I am never going to try to change my roots. Never ever. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

But how did I change? When did I change? What helped? What didn’t?

I will not say this blog helped. This blog was a side kick to end the problems. It was more of a tool to find a solution and learn from others. I talked to the most incredible people and I have read the most intriguing stories from Arabs that helped me figure out what the real problems were. I know what the problem is now, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why most of you, although you know what so many of the problems are, cannot focus and tell your self that you had enough.

I am not telling you to stop or deny who you are, but I just want you to realize that you cannot continue living your life based on a culture instead of living your life based on YOU! Yes you!

This is my advice and I want you and I will be making it my mission in life is to make sure that Arabs break out of their shell. Break out of that multi-layered very thick Arab infused mentality of thick moldy exterior and wake up. The world around you is totally different and keeps changing, but the principles and habits are all skewed, and cannot keep sustaining you in this world. You will just end up being frustrated and angry all the time, as we can see now in the middle east. Just break that shell!

As I mentioned earlier, making this blog and writing in it since 2005 was really hard. However, it took me 5.5 years to break out of the shell. To be me, and not care about this person, or this mentality, and I just go up to anyone now, even a stranger and I can have a conversation. I can just say hi with my head held high and not care what they think of me or who I am or what I look like that day or why I even talk to a non-Arab or even another random Arab. I don’t need to justify everything, I just do it! Just do what you think you can do. If God judges us all individually, then why do we all have to live our lives the same way and judge each other collectively?

That’s why earlier in my previous blog post today I asked others if they can contribute something meaningful, truthful, honest, and can help others as well. But I found so much resistance from other Arabs because they were afraid to think or even break out of their shells. They are content. Fine. As long as you are happy, then that’s wonderful. But I know deep down inside of you, you wish you were someone else. Isn’t better to just be you then living in some dream. Don’t you think?

I mean it, whomever. I am not mad. I have no reason to be mad. I have a reason to be frustrated and a bit irritated at the moment, but I always have my reasons. I don’t want to act like my old self and think of a million different possibilities, but you know what, this is life. I want to be more positive and carefree, but if I pretend to be that way, then I am not my self.

So, if I tell off people to their face, then don’t blame me. Honestly, I am tired of pretending to be nice. What did it ever get me in life? No where that I want to be. So be it. I am going back to my old self. Screw this fakeness and trying to be happy. I am HAPPY and ANGRY! I have double feelings all time and that’s what characterizes me as MOODY!

Gosh! That felt good to come out of my chest. And I didn’t swear or say anything horrible and shocking! See people, this is what we call being a NORMAL person.

Love you all, but beware.

So I listen to old tunes, shake my head, and groove to the music. I guess music always makes me feel better about my self. It shouldn’t, but no one else makes me feel better about my self so I got to resort to something.

What am I saying? Maybe I am high on hot chocolate. I am just sipping it while contemplating the words to spit out in this blog post. Sugarlicious drinks always bring me some type of inspiration and a few caloric intake. But you know what? Who gives a shit! We live only once, and if it is a short or long life, hot chocolate won’t kill me, but will only make me more fun.

Fun. What a crazy word that is. I don’t even remember the last time I had fun. I think I am just too serious. I am a very serious person and I need to step it down a bit and have some fun in life. Like going out somewhere, like out of the house for instance. That’s always fun! But I am trying to achieve something more important because I am an intellectual person.

Me. Intellectual? No I don’t think so. I never was or ever will be. However, I am a bit too smart for my liking and way over analyzing. I blame computer science. Female. Computer Science. Programmer. Such a wrong combination. I am not smart because I studied that crap. I was just smart enough to make use of it for my own desires. The desire of being the one creating something and not just being the end user.

It’s funny that I mentioned end user. We are all end users. We are using the internet to bring us all together and in the end of it all, there is us. Us. We. You and I and them. We are all brought together in this virtual medium and it only seems that we may never come together and have some fun at a party that I will be hosting.

Can you imagine me hosting a party? It’s like asking Charlie Sheen to shut up. Never will happen! However, the sound of it is awesome and we should do it one day. So you guys organize it and get it all sorted out. It’s not that I don’t have money or anything to make it a really awesome party. Remember I am smart and I create stuff and people like me actually can afford to do stuff in life. But I, like 95.5% of the world who suffer from some form of attention deficit, I cannot plan shit. So one of you anal people out there who love to be super organized and want everything oh so perfect should do it.

Invite me. Don’t forget! I came up with the idea!

What am I saying. The chocolate is wearing off. Fuck this shit. I just need to relax and get the point.

I am sick of men. How about that? Sorry for 50% of the world, but fuck it. Men piss me off. Through out half my life, I couldn’t for the life of me find a normal guy who doesn’t lie, who is honest, sweet, truthful, fun to talk to, smart, good to others and just wants to live a simple life. I just give up. I am 30 and I give up.

Fuck it.

I know that the middle east seems oh so small and only constitutes countries like Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Iraq, Syria, Palestine, Jordan and Egypt, but seriously, if you are 25 years old or above, start a learning mission in your life! Learn about countries in the world. Learn about different cultures. Learn about general historic movements in the world. And finally, learn about dictatorship and the true meaning that us Arabs are tired of being quiet!

The world is a small bubble now because of the instant media and people driven social networking. I don’t even know if I watch or hear the news anymore using the traditional methods. The internet. The internet has killed them all!

Let me tell you about Tunisia. I know you are wondering why a Palestinian girl is going to talk about Tunisia. Well, in 1990, I visited the country. I was 9 years old and I spent summer vacation there for about 2 months. It is the most gorgeous Arab country I ever visited. The locals are amazing friendly people, and it is a very touristic country. Everywhere you go there are tourists from Europe and the rest of the world.

It is funny that I am 30 years old, and the majority of Arab presidents rulers are still the same ones!

Ahh, I am waiting for a few more presidents to be kicked out too. They are long over due.

So, please take this poll and predict which Arab country will loose its ruler next!

I know many of the Arab countries I didn’t mention are monarchies or still have newer presidents, but it is hard for a monarchy to end quickly. But anything is possible and unexpected! 2011 has witnessed 16 days of craziness so far!

Yikes!

All I can say is, in order for you to continue with your miserable little lives, go to another blog. Or spend hours on YouTube. Or since you claim to be intelligent beings, go read a book.

If you comment on my blog without thinking, and then wonder why you cannot come here anymore, then know that I am awake and reading everything. I may not reply to everyone, but I read everything.

Go to sleep people or find a job or something productive to do with your lives.

P.S. I ban mostly Arabs from my blog because they think they can freely insult me since I am one of them. I wonder if they dare do it to anyone else! Maybe their mentality will change a little bit when they get burned with the same lighter.

I wanted to write blog after blog the past few days, but I have very important things to do in my life. This blog is not top of the list anymore like it used to be. This blog is purely for discussion of various things that go on in my life and the way I perceive some things when I have time to write them.

I know that many of you have emailed me the past few days with the same thoughts almost. Many of you have claimed that you read my entire site and came up with one conclusion. I find it very funny that people come up with the same conclusions about anything. Can you imagine if that is the case for everything in life? So the conclusion was, “you are rebellious, that means you don’t follow the Arab way of life.”

Honestly, I think I am the most Arabized person that you can meet living in these lands because I follow the ethical essence of being an Arab. Do you follow that? Because being an Arab is not just getting married before you are 25,  having at least 3 kids by 30, being the “good wife,” and living in a happy marriage. If not married, you are secluded from the rest of the circle of being a real Arab. I am taught to be a good person first, for others to accept me for who I am, and to show others the proper way I was raised by following great traditions and morals.

Why is that so hard to understand? Where in my blog did I say or claim that I should HATE everything about being an Arab and act like a total slut? Where do I say that I go around dating a different guy every other week and go clubbing and drinking? Is that how you define rebellion for an Arab girl? Because according to your definition, a Rebellious Arab Girl is a girl who doesn’t follow the rules of being an Arab or even her religion. There are no rules! Believe me. There are raised morals that we all should have learned growing up as part of this culture.

I didn’t chose to be rebellious. It chose me. This blog chose me to be a Rebellious Arab Girl in order to speak up; by proving to others that I don’t need to follow this group of Arabs that think life should be this way and that is it. Unfortunately, as years pass, far too many Arabs are living in diaspora, and a huge gap between the generations have emerged in the past century because of this culture clash. The traditions have slowly diluted to cope with another, and being a true Arab or defining an Arab is becoming harder and harder every day.

All I can say that I am tired of emails that begin with, “please read this to the end,” or “I am sorry I have to say this.” Why apologize or make sure you grab my attention to tell me the negative? I would appreciate it more if you stick up with what you believe in and say, “You know what Mona, I don’t agree with you because so and so.” That I read. Everything else with an introduction of reason to even begin reading it is something I don’t even look at.

I am tired of preaching to the choir. I am going to go back to the days when I started this blog and what my true beliefs are. If you disagree with me, then dare to comment about it in the comment box below. Start a real discussion and stop hiding being a screen name. It is almost the end of 2010 and people represent themselves for who they are with their real photos and their true image. That’s how we accept one another in the real world. We represent who we really are with no shame with what we say or who we are. Why can’t you dare do that?

I am the typical case of a grouchy old lady. I am a pessimistic person who is far too serious!

My family loves to joke around with me and make fun of me. Unfortunately, I find any joke from any member of my family as pure sarcastic, and I get mad. I have a horrible temper and I just tell them to leave me alone! And I scream from my lack of amusement!!

Then my dad says, “You are FAR too serious!”

I said, “Give me a reason not to be?”

Grrr…. I want to finish writing more regarding this post, but I don’t find it amusing anymore. I can’t wait till Friday comes and the weekend to come!

Not through my blog though. I am condensing my blog posts or limiting them because I cannot spend every day answering emails from online lovers and religious fanatics.

So here it goes. I want to get back on my feet and say, “hey hey… I am my upbeat social self again.” Unfortunately, I cannot do that due to the commitment I have with work and life. My life has been so busy, that breathing is becoming hard and sometimes I feel like I am suffocating daily.

I keep wishing every day, no, not only that, but I dream daily of the day I resign this job. However, I need money to continue my education and move up in life instead of being stuck in a dead zone. It sucks working in a small business because expectations from you are those of 4 people!

What is really bothering me that it doesn’t seem we will ever get a raise. No structure. No proper nurturing of the employees that work none stop for 8 hours and even do weekend work when necessary. No one cares or bothers. All they want is results and they will squeeze it out of you.

Maybe that is why I have become the most bitter but most patient person on earth. I managed to end up in a job where I have been mentally complaining about in one year than I have in all the years that I have worked in my short life combined.

I decided lately at work since I do not like being bossed around or told what to do (typical me!), that I make up my own projects and do what I want because I CAN and I have enough talents to do it. I got sick of them and I just do what I want and tell them, “Here you go! You like it? You don’t like it? Whatever.. at least I have something to show you!!! You didn’t hire me because I was cheap labour. No no!! You hired me because I can do awesome shit. But you didn’t trust me at all.. but you will now when I show you what I am really made of!”

By the way. Happy Anniversary. I have been working there for a year and my gray hair quadrupled!

This new Pakistani guy at my work looks like he is in his mid to late 30′s. His last name cannot be more obvious that he is Muslim. However, Ramadan started 2 days ago, and this is the 3rd, and he doesn’t fast.

I am the last person to approach others and tell them why. People have their excuses, but for goodness sake, you know better! When he first started he kept asking me a million and a half questions about me. I am Arab. I am Muslim, and any other question. So out of respect, he sees that I am not indulging in my morning cup of java, nor am I eating lunch, then he should at least be considerate.

I am used to this life living in the Western world, and surrounded by non-Muslims, and it never affected me that they are eating. I never was pressured or felt like “why me!” However, seeing it from a “Muslim” brother as we love to label one another as, then I find it hard to take. Also, I start to quickly lose any respect I had for them.

I know many of you have asked me on Twitter if he is sick or whatever. I said that I do not think he is, because he goes to the gym every morning, and never mentioned to me (oh he talks a lot about him self and asks questions) that he is under any form of medication. Therefore, what is the excuse? Do I want to know?

So, I told my sister about it yesterday, and her answer is, “He is probably white washed. Are you sure he is Muslim?” I said, “He can’t be any more obvious from his name.”

All this have taught me one thing, the world is slowly diminishing to a vast whole of people with empty souls. They are losing their religion and faith, and I think the next generation will only get worse because their parents set a very bad example.

Speaking of languages, I don’t go around to Spanish blogs sharing my half ass commentary in a language I hardly speak. Oh, that goes for those Arabs that come here or email me with their really bad English expecting me to understand it. Speak to me in Arabic! I am an immigrant too!

Unfortunately, it is not only the communication of a language that you seldom speak or write; no my humble online friends! The worse thing is having someone who didn’t understand what you wrote end up commenting in a very angry tone regarding something you never said! NEVER SAID!

Here it goes:

I say: I do not like people.

Arabs translate it to: You do not like Arabs!

I say: I think Arabs need to change some bad habits.

Arabs translate it to: Why are you bad mouthing Arab?

I say: I am tired of Arabs here talking shit behind people’s back.

Arabs translate it to: This is how we communicate and get to know each other in our small communities in this part of the world.

!@#!#$!%#