Stubbornness is one thing that I suffer from, but my continuous battle with this thing called conscience, is taking over my life. I know I do, think, or say things that make me wonder after a day or two that there is seriously something wrong with me. Then my stubbornness tells me to shut up. I am not going to admit that my conscience makes me feel guilty about certain things, but I try too hard to just tell it, “It is not the time for it! Leave me the hell alone!”

How do you know if your conscience is taking over? Well, when you continuously think of the same topic and certain people, then you cannot help but suffer from the following:

1. Dreaming the same thing over and over, and make you want to bite someone’s ears out knowing you are guilty or did something wrong.
2. Always feeling that someone is watching you, reading your thoughts, blog, or whatever that you publicly display without thinking twice.
3. Keep wanting to turn back time so you can correct a mistake by ignoring or not even bothering to begin with.
4. Not being able to  focus on anything you are doing for more than 20 minutes.

I think I need to start taking happy drugs so I can actually play the part of a person who doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. I want to live a happy life! Worry free! Guilt free!

Man, why am I thinking too much of a Utopian life? I think I need to just get off the computer, go read a book, or take a nap. Hehehe, I said nap! I feel like a 5 year old! Can I be 5 again?

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

I went to a couple of Arabic blogs today, and people have been spreading these videos online. I saw one, and said, “what the hell?” Then I saw the other, and said, “that’s it. You just ruined my respect towards modern Arabic music.”

Can we seriously say that I am watching provocative videos and no musical talent at all? Is this what the music industry in the Arab world is turning to? Ewww!

Two thumbs down and utter disappointment from my people.

Angry, Blah Blah, Video, Whatever!

Oh yah, it’s one of those job hunting posts again. Don’t worry, this maybe my last one. And no, I did not find work. And yes, I stopped looking for work. You want to know why?

[source]

Well, back in the day, I thought that maybe with my years of experience I would start looking for a more advanced position. Maybe someone out there will respect that fact. However, that didn’t work at all. Understandable, because I spent over 6 years doing nothing that is worth it to companies out there who need real programmers, and real IT experience. Sucks to be me. I know. However, it is more embarrassing when I don’t have the guts to lie or make up some crap of great things that I have done in the past. You try sitting in an interview and try to discuss pretty much nothing worth discussing.

Then, I decided to look for jobs that are beneath me, and ended up wanting to commit suicide that I even went to such interviews.

Last, which is the turning point of my entire life and realization that looking for work is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Impossible or just pure damn luck. You got the eyes to look for that needle. You got the patience to look for that needle. You got everything you can possibly need to look for that needle. But can you find it? Which is my life right now.

About 3 weeks ago, I went to one of the final interviews that I wanted to sit through. The job was an exact replica of the previous job that I had. It was in the same location almost of the same job that I had. It was the same environment as the same job I had. It was a job that I said to my self, “if I don’t get this, then I doubt I will get any other job, and I will stop trying.”

Now, 3 weeks later, I am hoping to God that they didn’t bother to call or email me because they didn’t have enough of an excuse valid enough to not want me. Or maybe I missed a call? Or an email was accidentally been filtered to garbage? You know, the odds are more likely that that would happen than someone saying, “you got all the skills, you did the same exact job for 6 years, but … ??”

For the past week, companies email or call, and before I answer them, I look back at the stupid job posting first. Because I am like any other frustrated person, I apply to almost everything, hoping that someone will bother to look at my resume. However, what I have been doing is emailing back saying, “if you read my resume, I have 6 years of experience, the salary is ridiculous and almost minimum wage. You are emphasizing you want a main skill that I do not have, but MAYBE will consider this and that skill. So why are you bothering wasting my time?” Yes, I am rude, and I have been rude to them. They deserve it because they are not only wasting my time, but they waste everyone’s time by doing this. I AM NOT A TOY you can play with! And yes, I am a girl and can fucking program. Is that hard to believe? I swear to God, if this has been all about gender, then I am quitting computers. I might go back to school and study psychology or sociology and get a PhD in them, and do what I do best, analyze people’s horrible personalities and messed up thoughts!

You can tell I am frustrated. You can tell I am about to shoot my self. You can tell I want to curse the day that I bothered to go into this shitty career path. You can tell I want to curse the day that I thought that maybe someone will hire me because I actually know what I am doing, and I got the exact skills they need. No more. No less.

However, and I emphasize, HOWEVER, it is all luck. Someone the other day on my blog told me that finding a job now a days is just luck. Pure and simple luck. Do I believe in luck? I never used to. I never one day thought that I have lived my life so far, and went through so many wild and crazy times because it was just luck. I believed that I built my own path. I chose and walked that path. It was not luck.

Unfortunately, the tides have turned, my thought process have been skewed, and I believe that maybe all along it was all luck. Maybe I have to wait for my luck. It’s like waiting to see if I will win the lottery. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

So why did I give up then if I think it is all luck? Well, because I got tired of dressing up. I got tired of playing the part of a perfect candidate. I got tired of repeating the same old stories of what I used to do, and pretend I was awesome and did great valuable things like no other. I just got tired, and I lost all that fire and energy inside me to go through it anymore.

I honestly don’t know what to do with my life. Financially, I am secure. My money in stocks, saving bonds, accumulating monthly interests, and my blog is earning me money to go buy a new shirt or two every month.

I am just missing that person or people that tell me every now and then that I am doing a good job. For someone to praise me for giving it my all. Maybe I just miss being useful and doing something. I just miss having something to do other than this and watching TV. However, the only reason I am totally not crazy right now, and not 100% at the edge, is due to the fact that I think there is more to life than this. I still didn’t find it. I still don’t know what it is. And I don’t think it is time for it yet. I just have to wait, wait, wait, and wait.

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Idiots, Ranting as usual!

My biggest pet peeve about Facebook is people’s pics. I find Facebook to be the “ok” place for people to post the following:

1. Porn like posses. Example: photos taken from a top like angle where the chest is always showing.
2. Pouting and sticking out the tongue or tongue to the side in every single pose. Don’t all humans have a similar tongue colour?
3. Guys can show off their bare chest, and wait for a girl on his list to point it out.
4. Girls can post porn like poses so the cute guy on her list that she has a crush on will notice.

And the list goes on!

My second pet peeve about Facebook is the people who keep inviting me to events, and I don’t even live in the same continent. Do some of you have over a million people on your list that you can’t sort out who you know personally or even lives anywhere in a 100k radius from you?

My third and final pet peeve about Facebook is people who keep changing their status every 5 minutes. Status is not a chat room, or Twitter. How do you expect people to click on that “I LIKE” link to your status if you keep changing it! Or do you think that Facebook should add a new feature where you can choose all statues that you posted in the past 30 min and click that you liked them all? Because I like to like. And me like what you people have to say. So spare me going through your profiles to see them all! How many times did I tell you people I AM LAZY! lool

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I was browsing the net, and reading some forums, and Arabs were writing in Arabic (Thank God I can read Arabic) the following: The best solution for Palestinians is to just leave Palestine (migrate from it), and the whole problem and bloodshed will end.

I am seriously going to commit some murders. Now you know why the Arab world does not like Palestinians and does not care about them. Sure, let us suffer YOU ARABS and go from country to country to find a home. Typical STUPID closed minded ARABS! No wonder when Israel bombed the hell out of Gaza earlier this year, no one gave two shits, especially the Arab world.

Back to vacation. I am sick of the shit I read on the internet. No wonder I trash talk some idiotic Arab thoughts all the time. I have every right and evidence to do so.

Uff.

Angry, Palestine