No matter how much I dye my hair, the white will always show. It won’t go away. It is a permanent sign of age, stress, and life’s curse towards me. I guess I am saying all these words out of pure defeat. Life defeated me. I don’t want to say I hate my life, I said that enough in the past. I just gave up. I just can’t stand anything anymore. I left work this morning because I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand seeing in my email various resumes of other people who I know are better than me doing the work that I was hired to do. It hurts. It really does. The only reason that I am stuck and wanted at this job because I seem to have this curse called graphical talent. I don’t have a talent. I just try my best to do whatever job I am given so I can get paid and pay off my loans! It’s enough I put up with this job with no benefits, nothing. Just a stupid contract I have to renew every year. I am a programmer. That’s it. Why aren’t I ever recognized as a GIRL WITH A COMPUTER SCIENCE DEGREE WHO CAN FUCKEN PROGRAM and ACTUALLY HAS SOME CREATIVITY!?

I have a Bachelors Degree of Science in fucken Computer Science. I was educated to become a good programmer. I wasted over 35,000 dollars so I can be one and I am still paying for it. I know stupid powerful languages such as Java, C, C++ and I am actually GOOD at them. And with a University education, I can actually program well unlike those with college diplomas! Of all three, I am the best in the C language. I didn’t go to University to become a graphics designer. If I wanted to then I would have not dropped Art class in grade 11 when the stupid gay teacher said that I will never receive high marks because I came from the US. Although I showed him a portfolio of my work and awards from the US. He purposely kept giving me 50′s and even failing me because he hated my guts and couldn’t believe that a 16 year old can do half the crap that I did. (I haven’t painted or made any sculptures in 10 years!)

Now, the same scenario again. After 10 years. 10 fucken years and I am treated the same way. People in upper management don’t really give a crap in what I do. The moment they are not satisfied with my work, they go fucken put a logo contest or hire another company to do the work. This is what happens when there is a rapid change in management. People act stupid and want to satisfy their superiors by wasting money to hire professional well known companies to do the work. What do I get in the end? Wasted hours of trying to do something nice for them for free, and a slap in the face. It’s like I am nothing. Just a worthless pawn to them that they can do whatever they want. (That’s why I said I wanted to be a manager and it’s the only thing I know I will be good at. I can’t stand being a pawn in this stupid game!)

So I left work this morning with my laptop. I took it so I can do some work outside where there is a window so I can see nature since I am stuck 8 hours a day in a dungeon. Actually, I left because I wanted to sit alone and cry my eyes out. (I am still crying till now.) Oh how much I hate my life, hate my work, and I can’t do anything about either of them.

Anyways, anyone out there interested in hiring a minority programmer? Being an Arab and a girl is a double bonus for your company. I have a computer science degree. I am good at programming, I make kick ass GUIS, and I am great at project management. I got over 5.5 years of experience and I am cursed with a graphical talent. So it could be a double bonus for your company too to hire a minority with multi-skills!

If anyone is really interested in the London area, give me a shout and I will send you my resume. I am not really as bad as my blog seem to be. I am just an emotional girl. Just like any other girl with life’s daily problems. It’s inevitable. However, from my writing style and expressions you can see that I am great in writing English! And no, I don’t have an accent! I am pure English speaking and I spoke it all my life and went to private school when I was younger to learn it. However, I will be picky about salary. I got too many years of putting up with crap that I should be paid well with benefits to shut me up and give me the incentive to do kick ass work! I am a good worker who is actually worth the money. Really.. no joke.

Angry

I had a major problem with Vista today. Every time I tried to login, it kept acting stupid. It took me about an hour to troubleshoot it and I finally figured out, that not only was my wireless keyboard’s battery was dying, but the wireless connection was messed up and needed resetting. Damn you keyboard and you stupid Vista for not giving me a better error message!!

Angry

I got a bunch of emails from some anonymous poeple because they didn’t want to comment, and they were protesting against my thoughts. They said, “how dare you speak of Arab Muslims like that?” What did I say exactly? I was giving my one sided biased view. You people got a problem with that? I don’t understand why some Arabs out there love to attack each other (including me)? Is it easier for you people to attack other Arabs and Muslims? Is it so easy for you people to attack me because I am of your “kind?”

I just find it ridiculous how Arabs can easily attack each other, and when it comes to the bigger picture, they cannot even dare say a word. They are afraid to speak their minds towards the oppression and corruption within their societies and governments. Yet, it is so easy to type a bunch of useless crap to attack a girl who claims to be rebellious. Oh no, I am rebellious!! I am cursed to go to hell!! No, in reality I am an evil dictator masking behind this name.

Go look me up on Wikipedia!!

Or better yet, for my satisfaction, go call my royal complaint line.

1-900-DUMB-ASS

Angry, Blah Blah, They said what?, Whatever!

I said “some.” Not “all!” I wanted to write about random thoughts of North American Arab Muslims’ behaviour for a while now. I finally decided to get off my facebook playing ass and write something meaningful. So why am I wanting to discuss such a topic and specific group? Simple, because I am one and it is the only people I interact with. So I am going to list a bunch of situations where those group of people can be hypocrites.

“Don’t eat food from Kuffar (non-believers)”

Why the hell you go out to restaurants and also buy groceries from them? I mean Halal meat is one thing, but saying don’t eat from them at all is pure ridiculous since the only way to buy groceries in this country is from “them.”

“Don’t eat food from Shi’a!”

We actually know Lebanese Sunnis who refuse to go to Shi’a restaurants till this day. (Lebanese civil war mentality?) Yet, they go and eat at “other” restaurants of non-Muslims.

“If you don’t wear Hijab (head veil) you are going to hell!”

1. I have my reasons for not wearing it. I have studied a field where women are a minority and wearing a hijab to make my self more of a minority is not going to land me a job. I knew a lot of girls who wore Hijab and studied the same thing as me, but till this day, no work, and just decided to stay home or get married and raise kids with a $35,000 diploma hanging on the wall for display.

2. Also, who the hell are you to judge me if I will go to hell or not? I thought God did, not you!

3. Wearing a Hijab will not portray me as a pure innocent girl in front of my community. There is always good and bad in everything. Girls who wear Hijab now a days are either forced, think it is the norm, or are hiding behind it to masque some evil deeds they have done in the past or currently doing. I only respect those girls who wear it from pure intentions and are convinced of why they are doing it.

4. Covering your hair and wearing tight clothes where men can still see your chest and ass is not called Hijab. It is just another fashion statement like wearing hoop earings and flare jeans.

5. Those who wear a Hijab refuse to talk to other Muslim girls who don’t wear it in fear to be seen with such deviant girls. Oh no. I am not accepted to my own society with my own people because I don’t dress like them! I am going to hell!

And this is the best one..

6. My dad one day went to an Arabic convenient store and asked the owner why his daughter (barely 7 or 8 years old who was sitting there too in the store) is wearing a Hijab. The guy replied saying, “because we live in this sinful country.” My dad replied then, “so your daughters would not wear it back home?” He said, “no, why would they, men there are not evil like here.” My dad laughed, didn’t buy anything from him and left the store in disbelief. Men are men everywhere!

“Why don’t you wear a skirt? How will you get married? Girls have to, so men will like them more for being good Arab Muslim girls.”

I had a lady tell me this because I was wearing pants and her daughters didn’t. She said that when you have people visiting your home; girls must dress up all the time in skirts or dresses. It is the only way that potential husbands will look at her.

So wearing pants is sinful now and the reason I am not married?

“Don’t befriend non-Muslims. If you are Sunni, also double bonus to not befriend Shi’a.”

Yes, I suffer from this too from my family. They prefer if I only befriend Muslim girls (or guys). However, why the hell do Arab Muslim men marry non-Arab Muslim girls? Can’t befriend them, so marry them? This goes for girls, because if a girl is friends with non-Muslim Arab, then it is a big time sin and walking with them is blasphemous!

So if I lived in Nunavut Canada, I can’t befriend anyone except a penguin?

“All non-Muslims are Kuffar (non-believers).”

Non-believers in One God? Is this what it means because I am confused why the Quran keeps talking about Jews and Christians. It makes you wonder why God wants us to learn from them. To see the mistakes (Christians were swayed from the true religion, and Jews who God is angry with them), and see what happened. Yet God said they are also holders of the holy books.

An Arab Muslim girl comes up to me and says, “why do you talk to Christians? They are Kuffar.” I said, “please translate some Chapters in the Quran, about 30% – 50% of it that mentions Jesus the son of Mariam, and Mariam her self all the time, and explain to me why I have to read about them if I can’t talk to them at all. She looked at me and changed the subject. But she wasn’t convinced and who am I to convince her?

“I hate living in this country, people are disgusting, Kuffar, everything has pork in it, and no Arabs here at all that you can befriend.”

This is a quote from a Palestinian girl I knew that just moved to the country. She is a refugee who became a resident. Canada was the only country that accepted her family after living all her life, and her parents life being a refugee. I said, “if you hate it here, why did you come here? You are Palestinian! Thank God you are no longer a refugee living in the Arab world treated like you are nothing. Maids from Malaysia and Sri Lanka are treated better than Palestinians!” She said, “and living here is any better within Kuffar?” I said, “better than treated like crap by your own people. Just give it a rest and accept life and fate. If you have a problem with their food, then become a vegetarian. So many of those Western people are preaching animal rights, you can too!” She said, “well, there are hardly any Arabs here, and if there are, all they do is talk shit about each other.” I said, “same as you are doing now. You talk shit about them too. What’s your point?”

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?

I was chatting with some guy on arablounge. I go there when I am bored and thinking maybe I can find someone who is interesting to talk to. So this guy who is also Palestinian and an engineer started a chat session with me without even saying hello.

He asked, “why are you not married?”

I said, “great question. You tell me.”

He said, “What’s wrong with you?”

I said, “what do you mean?”

He said, “Palestinian girls your age are married by now with at least 2 kids. There must be something wrong.”

I said, “yep… there is something definetly wrong.”

He said, “I can tell. You are too old to even be on this site. There has to be something wrong.”

I said, “yep. I am sorry that my age limit is not appropriate to your standards since you are 35 and not married.”

He said, “It’s ok for a guy to be in his mid 30′s and not married, but not a girl.”

I said, “so although I am 8 or 9 years younger than you, I am too old?”

He said, “old for my standards, you should have been married by now. What’s wrong with you really? ”

I said, “it’s guys like you that make me happy I am not married. By the way, you are too short for me. I am 5’7″ buddy. Unlike you who has the height of a 12 year old. Next time read my specs and not just look at my picture thinking I am 18! Bye you blind dumb ass!”

Angry, They said what?