Ok, I am tired of people posting stupid comments on my article about Ashamed to be an Arab. It is seriously pathetic and I am tired of people preaching and posting or emailing me very stupid comments saying that my mind is westernized and the western world has corrupted my thinking. So here is my proof that the eastern world is not innocent.

I installed a new statistics tracker in my blog that logs all search keys, ip address, anything about my visitors. I wanted a close eye and to see what people really search for to get to my site. This wasn’t a surprise but it was quite interesting. In the past day I got these results:

The last search terms maybe in the past 3 hours or so is this:

I think we can see a pattern here. I will not post IP addresses of where these people are from. All I can say that the majority of these search terms are based from the middle east. I would say mostly gulf areas, Lebanon, KSA, and northern Africa. I get random European ones too. So all I can say is that you guys who come to my site “accidentally” as you always complain need to stop this Arabiasim and patriotism and preaching morals because you absolutely have none of it!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

I don’t know what is wrong with me lately. I think it is the heat, although it is a nice day. I am just overly stressed and angry. I don’t know why honestly. I just think I have too many angry thoughts that I seem to just nag and complain and get angry ever so easily. It sucks. Also I take things too seriously. I need to learn to relax. The other day I took my blood pressure reading, and I was really in a bad mood and angry, and it was 131/89! I was like holy crap. Since when my blood pressure ever so high? So the next morning I took it again when I was calm and cool and I got 107/68! Wohoo.. hahaa.. Like I said, at my rate I am seriously gonna suffer from a heart attack at an early age. I need something calm and relaxing to do. I wonder what I can do to relax.

Go on a vacation? A cruise? Blah.. I don’t want to go alone. I am tempted but I get bored easily. I like company. See this is the part that sucks! Agghh..

Someone help me from my mass hysteria and constant angry rage! It is causing me great anxiety and hyperventilation! I need a drink!

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

This subject has always puzzled me about Arabs here in Canada. Maybe I notice this more because I am one. Then I realized that I myself is guilty of such actions. I don’t want to act like an Arab or even want to be one. Here I admit it. I finally admitted it. The whole concept and word rebellious is due to my dislike of being one! However, I am not 100% ashamed of being one, I like the culture, but I don’t like the mentality. I don’t like how Arabs use and abuse the word “Arabic” for their advantage and to ridicule others with that word. I don’t like how parents shield their children to the point where my generation or even younger is trying to escape it so badly and resort to living a double life. Life has changed, but they didn’t. Arabs don’t change their mentality easily. Yet, we live here in North America and things did not change. It gotten worse. The generation X is completely rebelling and not wanting to be a part of their family’s generation. Our lifetime has easy immigration to the 1st world, technology, the internet, and globolization, and that has changed everything. Yet, how can you change some of the most stubborn and reserved cultural groups that move here?

So these thoughts have been battling me for years. Since I moved to North America when I was 11 years old. I was stuck between two worlds. The Arab world with its people who did not accept us, due to political and racist reasons, and people here who completely think we are from Mars or something because we look different. So what do you do? Seriously.

So going back to being an “Arab”. It is supposed to be a sacred lovely thing to be. Being an Arab. Being part of an marvelous and vivid history and religion. However, your culture is not accepting you because you are not so conservative and act like an “Arab”.. I mean who came up with that non-sense anyways. Act like an “Arab”. Is the word Arab a noun or verb? Seriously.

I can’t fathom or accept the idea of being an Arab anymore. I feel that my blood is inevitably drenched with it that I don’t know how to get rid of it. It’s like I wish I had new blood. It’s sick I know. I am just sick of who I am. I can’t change it. I can’t get rid of it. It’s like a permanent mark that I cannot remove.

Why was I brought up in such a closed minded environment and yet the world around me is different. I see so many variations. So many differences. Different Arab countries treat each other differently. But there are so many things in common.

This is what I despise:

1. All Arabs seem to form a community and they all know each other to a point that they know what you eat and what you drink every day! (I’m not joking about this!)
2. Mothers can’t stop bragging about their kids although half the crap they say is untrue. I know, I went to school with them.
3. Mothers brag about the intelligence of their children and how they are straight A honor students. Then graduating from University with an honors and top of their class degree and getting a real permanent amazing job at a well respected company. Then the best one, which I discovered lately is comparison of salaries. (Those with the same degree as me. ) It’s funny, I been working for 5 years and I get the same salary as someone who has been working for barely a year. Really funny.
4. Mothers brag about marriage proposals. How young and gorgeous their daughter are. For some weird reason everyone is still 20 years old! Daily things I hear.. “Oh this girl had 3 or 4 guys coming to see her for possible proposals, one is a doctor, and another an Engineer, etc. They are so lucky. Mona why not you?” I want to shoot my self every time I hear that.
5. Arabs brag about their children to a point that they are angels although they are corrupt drunks, thiefs, or drug addicts. “My son never goes out at night so late, always behaved and prays 5 times a day, never misses a prayer.” They do go out late, but their excuse is staying over their friend’s house. In reality, they are out in clubs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. Yes I did mention drugs. I am not joking about that. I seen it and I seen them smoking it at school. And for theft, yes they are many reported incidents of bank robberies in the past caused by Arab gangs.
6. Arabs who walk in gangs and think they are bad-ass by speaking English in a bad accent with a mix of Arabic to insult non-Arabs walking down the streets. I feel like I want to take a bat and smack it on their heads every time I hear that.
7. At weddings, all Arabs do is stare at each other and see who is dressed in more revealing clothes. The mohajabah (Veiled) or non-mohajabah. Yes the mohajabah wins this one, cause wearing a tight bare dress with a stupid skin tight shirt under is no longer covered.
8. Arabs who speak loud. God they speak loud and are so embarrassing. Especially parents cause they don’t know how to lie or keep a secret. They don’t care if they embarrass you. You are still their little child. Forever and ever. Even if you have kids and their kids have kids. You are still their little child and many stories to tell! And they will tell it to complete strangers. Arabs don’t think other Arabs are strangers. Arabs are all the same to them. They speak Arabic. That’s it! They are are brothers and sisters due to their common Arabic heritage.
9. Arabs are too emotional and dramatic. They sit in groups and tell old stories of how when they were 10 and they went to the butcher shop and saw a lamb’s head get cut off and brought it home for dinner. To them it was drama and a great story to tell!
10. To Arabs, if a person is non-Arab, they treat them like the anti-christ. No hello, no goodbye, complete afraid of non-Arabs. Except Italians. Oh how much Arab guys want to be Italians. With the extra gel and the heavy cologne and the dark clothes. They love being an Arab and they talk shit about others, but they want to be Italians like the characters in the movie The Godfather.
11. They would tell non-Arabs how Arabic they are and how much they love their culture and they try to convert people and want to show them how awesome it is to be an Arab. However, in reality, when they are around Arabs, they swear up and down and don’t even mention what country they are really from. Hence, the Palestinian-Jordanian thing. I could never tell if a person is really from Jordan or actually is of Palestinian origin. They just don’t want to admit it.
12. I can’t stand Arab women who just go over to each other homes and have to welcome their guest with the most extravagant cooking and gold plated dishes and brag from where they got it from and which cooking show they saw the recipe at and how they perfected it with a few tricks and secret additions. Who cares! You bought the damn food from the Arabic variety store. And the sweets your husband bought it from there too. So give it a rest!
13. How their grandchildren are white with light eyes (they say blue mostly) cause their sons married a gorgeous white Arabic girl with blue eyes. They love being an Arab but hate looking like one. Hypocrites.

Thirteen main points are enough. Yes, lucky thirteen. So I hate being an Arab just for those reasons. Even more. The worst thing was today. If I am busy or watching TV, my mom would sit next to me and starts criticizing me.

This is today’s conversation.

Mother: What are you watching and why?

Me: TV, can’t you tell.

Mother: Why you watching it, go clean or do something useful that requires body movement. You are so lazy. And stop drinking cola, juices or anything that is not water. All that stuff has gas, sugar, and caffeine. It will ruin your bones.

Me: my bones?

Mother: Yes, they had it on TV today. There is a bone disease cause of all this junk you drink where you will not be able to walk anymore. Your bones become brittle and weak.

Me: Mother, I don’t have a disease, I am not sick, I work out all the time, and I am not 50!

Mother (angry): You look 50! Anyways, age does not matter, it happens at any time. Just wait and see. Also diabetes. It’s all in your family.

Me: My family? You mean you?

Mother: No your father’s side. You inherited everything from him.

Me (sarcastically): ok, and your family is so perfect, I forgot.

Mother: Why you talk to me like this. I’m your mother. You act like you hate me. You never listen to me. Like I am a stranger to you. I will die early cause of you. If I die tomorrow it is all cause of you.

Me (angry) : Ok mom. Thank you. (I leave the room and go to my room and try to convince my self that I have short term memory).

Great life eh? That’s my 14th point. To Arabs, everything that they hear from TV is true. A doctor on some stupid Arabic show said so. It must be true. And they continuously criticize their kids for not following doctor’s advice! What doctor? Some stupid idiot who sucks at being a real doctor, but can’t do anything about it, so he goes on TV and brags about shit that he sucks at!

God! At this rate I will get seriously sick and die from a heart attack or stroke from the constant nagging and criticism!

Angry, Whatever!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I think I really am sick and tired of everything. I really am. I think since I have such unappreciative people I am working for I am so sick of what I am doing. I wrote about what happened a couple of days ago here. That got my motivation at an all time low. It is making me hate what I am doing. I used to love it and it was the only thing that kept me sane, but when you are working for someone and they completely unappreciate and not care how hard you work it really makes you sick of what you are doing. This also reminded me of another project website I was working on a three months ago and the person I was working with completely back stabbed me and made me feel like shit. Read about what happened here. I over reacted and I agree but why do people do this to me? I feel like I am so weak and I am not concentrating on work anymore. I feel like whatever I do no one will like it. I feel like my skills are hitting rock bottom and I am just not as good at what I do like I used to be.

It does make me sad really. At the same time what am I to do? I see people around me at work and they don’t seem to have that extra emotional caring about their work. They just come to work cause they have to. I am slowly getting scared of work and I am trying to just focus and not be afraid. But I am always afraid. People ask me why I didn’t buy a car, why I don’t go on vacations, etc. I can’t afford it and I am scared about the future. I am not a permanent employee and any day things will just end. So I am just putting half my salary now towards saving bonds. I just wish I didn’t have stupid student loans. Why do I have to suffer from loans? It’s all my fault. I should have never taken student loans and I should have just worked. My brother got his first degree paid for completely by my parents. When it came to me to go to University, my dad just didn’t have anymore money saved, and he was off and on with work. So now I have to suffer for it. I was getting around $10,000 a year of loans with summer school.

Life sucks. I am working to pay loans. People think I go shopping or always buying stuff, on the contrary, I go to the mall every day cause my bus stop is there. To walk around! To see people! Last time I bought anything expensive was my computer, and I had to put that on credit card! That was it!

My other problem is that since I am bored and have no real direction at life I tend to get mad easily at anyone cause I hate everything. Well not hate hate, but I am so I don’t know how to describe it. Sick and tired of everything!

Angry, Blah Blah, Whatever!

Today I discovered that the researcher that I am doing the game for is an unappreciative meani! My co-worker told me about her and what she said at the conference a couple of weeks ago, and it was taped on film. He wasn’t at the session and was curious himself. Since we are ripping the tapes to put online for future viewers I was curious to know. So we watched one of the lectures. The one we saw was a session about the game I am making. I am currently at the process of redoing the graphics. Since the original I made was using older software, and now I am more proficient in working with newer software. So I am in the process of redoing the game’s graphics. The logic is pretty much done. It was done last December. That’s when I sent her the demo to look at. We didn’t get a reply from her till maybe April with the new addition to the game. She was mad, unhappy cause it wasn’t done to her expectations and she has numerous conferences, etc, she wants to show at. She had it for 4 months and she finally looked at it with her grad student and she now complains. So I am slowly fixing and debugging everything. I am actually taking my time since she was lazy to give feedback, and I am no miracle worker. I cannot redo all the graphics and fix all the bugs in a month! I wanted to, and I had the drive to do so, but I can’t if I want to do it right.

Complains, complains. So I have been working on it continuously, I even worked on weekends to get a full module re-done. So I got 3 redone before the conference. It’s a lot of work! It’s pretty much redoing stuff I have been working on since 2004!

Anyways, so back to the video. I watched it and she began by talking about us. She didn’t even thank us, and started by saying we are developing the game, and she cannot show it because it is messed up with simple childish spelling mistakes. Once I heard that I was like what the hell is wrong with this woman! She couldn’t say anything positive and had to resort to the stupidest most pathetic bug there is! I was mad. I just couldn’t believe it. I was happy I did not go to the conference, because if she said that in front of everyone and I was there I would have broke down and cried. I just couldn’t believe after all this work she would disgrace us and me especially in front of all the researchers. Not only that, we are practically creating this for free. She barely donated to us around 5000 or 8000 dollars. I have been working on it for 3 fucken years! So you can imagine the cost of hiring me to do this crap and she is bitching about stupid spelling mistakes! Stupid researchers. She makes me mad! I think she completely lost her sanity and became one of those nutty professors! For those who have a Phd and treat people like crap, kiss my ass! At least I can think and know numerous technical languages and can use my knowledge to help ANYONE in any field! I am not so focused on one thing in life and ignorant about everything else in the world!

Aaaghh she makes me mad!! I seriously need a vacation now! I can’t wait for the weekend. I am going out all day!!

Angry, They said what?