Ok! Well I am continually stalked by someone in particular who keeps reading my blog. Every time I post something he is there reading it. I am sick of him. Yes “HIM”.. How do I know you may ask? Well, I have an IP tracker, and since I know his IP address I see exactly, when, which page he is visiting. I mean, I told a whole fucken story in my site about him and he got pissed, yet he continually keeps coming to my blog. Since yesterday’s post was such a bitch fest, and I am sick of my home; I decided to end it. I was fed up with him checking my blog and giving a shit about my life. So I emailed him to tell him to stop checking my blog.. cause “I KNOW”.

So I emailed him that this morning. He emails me back about an hour later saying, “oh I think I didn’t turn on the proxy so I can hide my IP to see your site, how is your day today, isn’t it such a nice day?”

LIE ONE! He continually checks my site with the same IP address!

Then I emailed him back saying, “too bad your proxy doesn’t work since you use an RSS feed to view my site!”

He emailed back very very mad and saying how much he cares about me and he was just checking on me. He also said that I need to think positive, positive things and he is tired of me being so pessimistic, and he wishes that I changed my attitude. And he said that I shouldn’t listen to people from the internet.. etc.. etc. Then he was pissed from the word rebellious and kept saying, why are you rebellious anyways, what is rebellious? why you say you are if your not, it is just a word and means nothing.

Obviously I was already pissed, but this completely pissed me off! So I emailed him back bitching at him! A very precise to the point email with complete bitchiness. Pretty much how dares he go on my site and starts blaming me for my attitude and way of life since he is the REASON for all my misery! .. what an ass. I swear if he was in front of me, well he will never be in front me cause I don’t ever want to see him again. Anyways, I would seriously kick him or take a bat and hit him with it. He just won’t leave me alone!! Fuck.. then I told him that if he comes to my site one more time I will block his IP.. I should do it anyways and not waste time. I can’t believe he said that I need to change. What an idiot.. I can’t believe that he won’t leave me ALONE!

AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I am so pissed and I need to smack someone.. I didn’t even want to talk to people at work. I don’t give a crap about anyone, I just want to be left alone. I want to hit something badly!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

One thing I hate about my life and still living at home is having to deal with my parents. I really do. I mean I love them and I really respect them. They are my family and only people I have in my life, but my mom especially really pisses me off. I know she is ashamed of me and can’t stand the way I look and hates the fact I am useless and I live at home. I mean the only reason I go to work and staying at my job is to stay away from them all day! The problem is that I wish work was longer. Maybe 8 am till 10 pm! That way I won’t have to deal with her criticism and constant bickering towards me. I am not perfect, I am not pretty, I am not skinny, I am not a typical Arab girl who only cares about marriage since the age of 18. I am totally different. I mean I wish I can explain to her my suffering of the past and hate towards this whole commitment and love crap. She keeps wondering how could I have spent all these years in University and have not met anyone like “everyone” else. How I can’t find anyone. Then she wonders why I never go out or meet people. I spent 3 years not going out with anyone, just kept a low profile alone.. from work till home, vise versa.

This was my life. I wanted to be alone and to suffer alone. I just wish I could explain my story, and not have to suffer constant criticism. The problem is I can’t tell my story, and I cannot explain the fact that I was with someone all these years and ended in nothing. There will be absolutely no understanding, nothing. Not only that, my parents couldn’t understand or even fathom the idea of me working. They hated it and yet I was the only one helping. They hate the fact I make more money than my brother who is married and 4.5 years older than me who still lives at home because he is too lazy to fucken get a real salaried job. He works for this guy who does random contract work. Hard stupid work with barely above minimum wage salary. Even one day I remember him asking me if he could work with me since I seem to barely work and get paid a lot. I told him, “yah funny, I barely work, I get paid for doing nothing, and yet my contract keeps renewed randomly because I do nothing.” He is a hypocrite and very idiotic person but my parents love him so much. They got him a car, my dad pays for it and the insurance. They got him a brand new $3000+ bedroom for him and his wife and his own bathroom. He doesn’t pay his student loans cause he is poor and he eats for free.

What about me? I cannot buy anything because my mom says, “save your money, you never know what will happen and you have not finished paying your loans, and maybe you can buy houses or lands in the future.” … funny isn’t it? I pay my loans monthly, I have paid 70% of it and I can easily get a mortgage to buy a house. They don’t understand the concept of mortgage and how easily a working person can get it! Banks and credit cards companies want me to sign up with them for mortgage and credit like I am a millionaire! That’s all I get in the fucken mail! So what did I decide to do with my money? Save it, and put it in stocks and saving bonds. I don’t want to depend on anyone, I don’t trust anyone not even my brother or my parents. If anything happens to me, then everything is under my sister’s name. She is the only person that deserves anything.

So back to my original rant and the reason I am bitching and complaining. I come home and I come into the house and I say hi to the family like I do every day. Today I come in and say hi to my mom, she says hi and then eyes me from up to down and gives me a dirty look. I was like great, here we go again. So I just walked away cause I can’t stand anyone looking at me. Especially her! That’s the reason I don’t sit with her at all. I just sit in my room all day or watch TV in the basement. Then I went back down to see what was cooked for dinner and eat something before I go to the gym. So my mom had deep fried stuff cooked. Simple quick food eh? So I made a sandwich out of it so I can eat. Mom comes into the kitchen and says, “don’t eat that; it’s too fatty and oily. Why you go to the gym then?” I looked at her and said, “you want me to eat your food that you cooked or you want me to go out and EAT. If you think the food is oily and bad for the health then why you cook it! That’s all you cook, when was the last time you made a normal meal. All junk food cause it is quick!”

I was fuming and mad. I just took my sandwich and went upstairs. I just can’t stand this treatment. All this stupidity from parents with backwards mentality. Their preference over a boy, their disbelief of me being a girl who is unmarried and just living at home with no path in life. I mean after a while I will seriously loose my mind. All day today I had a bad headache and my eye kept twitching non stop and turned red. I couldn’t see and the screen on my laptop was fuzzy. So I left work early cause I seriously couldn’t take the pressure in my eye anymore. The physical pain from one side, the emotional inconsiderate pain I receive from my family. I am just so sick of it!

You know what’s funnier. My brother asking me to get a mortgage under my name so he can get a house. Funny isn’t it. I worked for 5 years non stop with no vacations, no life, hateful of my life and everything around me and I easily get asked for money so I can buy him a house.
Funny.. really funny.

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

This morning as I was walking out of the house half way to the bus stop I felt something was missing. I am the most forgetful human on earth and I knew I forgot something. So I was walking fast for no apparent reason thinking I was going to be late. So I look at my left hand and think to my self.. “fuzzzz.. I LEFT MY WATCH AT HOME!! WHAT TIME IS IT!” .. good thing I had my cell phone to tell me the time. I have major obsession with knowing the time. I don’t know why. I live to be a punctual person. I just can’t stand not knowing what time it is, and I like to be early always for everything. I just can’t stand being late or “on time”.. I like to be early so I have time to relax and give my self a few minutes to think about my day! So I didn’t want to go back home to get my watch and I just continued to walk to the bus. The bus came and I sat in my usual spot. Isn’t that funny that I have my “own” spot on the bus. Freaky eh?

Anyways, as I was waiting, two ladies stood in front of me. Since I was in a horrible mental mood and I was in a need to know what time it is, I noticed one thing. Both ladies were wearing their watch on their right hand. I thought, “hmm, I used to do that for two years!.. why did I stop??”… Then I remembered it is because I am on the computer all day and I am a right handed person that I tend to use my right hand a lot, and the watch would just get in my way. So I went back to being a lefty watch wearer.

Anyways, it is good that I sit on the computer all day and I can see my desktop clock… I would have seriously gone insane all day.

So mental note.. NEVER forget my watch again!

Also I am listening to this song.. I like Enya.. quiet ambient music.. Need my relaxation for the morning..

Angry, Whatever!

I guess yesterday’s post caused quite a spark in debate. It is due to my dislike of my co-workers. I really do no like any of them. I have to tolerate and work with them, but by all means I don’t have to like them. The reason I am saying this because I did notice them either ganging up on me or using sarcastic comments to invoke me. Little did they know because I am a very emotional person with my own problems I seem to neglect them or just go with the flow. However lately, it has not been the case. Really it hasn’t.

Let me explain first my work place. I am the only girl. I am the only one with years of qualification and dedication to my work. I work with my heart. I really like what I do. It keeps me sane! I treat my work as a hobby. That’s what I do and I barely take vacations. I don’t find them necessary. Sometimes I take half a day off or a day off here and there, but I don’t plan anything (I quit planning), and I just like coming to work. It gives me something to do during the day.

All I can say is I am not the best worker, or the greatest work. On the contrary, I am pretty average. I am skilled in making things look nice and appealing because usually the eyes speak first and you have to impress your audience with creativity, but I do like programming. Programming is my passion, but I like to take things one step at a time and not get distracted when I program. Programming gives me a challenge and gives me a bit more excitement during the day. When it comes to programming, I usually can’t program at work. If I do then I have to have my headphones on with really loud music because I easily get distracted with people talking. So what do I do when I don’t finish my daily objective? I work from home. Simple as that.

So let’s get back to why I think no one likes me. I know for a fact it is because I am a girl and I am treated differently and my attitude towards work and life is completely different. So when I see my own co-workers giving me no respect and throwing stupid sarcastic comments here and there just to make them themselves appear funny, then I feel offended. I do feel offended, but I tend to ignore it. Lately, I am not putting up with their crap because I am actually paying attention to them and wondering why they are doing this to me. Most of them are friends with each other. Some actually hang out outside work and actually help out each other outside of work. Which puzzles me because I know they talk shit about each other behind their backs. So why this fake friendship? I don’t know. I just can’t handle it. I am too honest and I can’t stand being fake.

This reminds me of a previous co-worker we had a year and a half ago, but my boss had to end his contract (he was an Arab.. ) because he would email at like 4 or 5 am saying he won’t come to work, he didn’t sleep yet or he will be late. He had issues. Anyways, this guy hated me with a passion. He hated the way I portrayed my self as an Arab. Although he was Palestinian too, he hated me. He used to make fun of me and say Arab girls don’t look like you, they are a lot skinnier and that’s why they get married early. (First insult, but I ignored him, I knew he wouldn’t last long with that attitude). He used to preach to me about Islam, yet half the time he didn’t show up to work is because he used to be a drunk and always at clubs at night. Worse part is that he would leave work on Fridays to go to Friday prayers in the Mosque. (Hypocrite yes). He used to make fun of my work and say my work is awful. He was good at graphics design, very talented and that’s why he was hired. (So he was jealous of others and he put them down to make him self look better work wise.) Then when my boss refused to renew his contract, he comes to me in bewilderment and saying, “why me, I do great work, but the boss said there is no more money to keep me but he will stay in touch with me if I am needed. But I thought the guys are my friends. I never had white friends before. I really trusted them.” I looked at him and I just didn’t say anything. I just said, “I have no idea why he didn’t keep you, and I don’t ask.” I ended it there, and just thought to my self at that moment, “you are an ass and a hypocrite, who would want to keep you with such an attitude.”

The problem with my work is there is a major domino effect. One person makes fun of another, then the other thinks it is ok and does it to someone else. It just a continuous circle and I am stuck in the middle. Most of the time because of my anger / emotional problems, I tend to not think when I get mad and just throw back a nasty comment to try to shut them up. Half the time I ignore it, but when I am fully awake and paying attention, then I am usually not nice. Half the time when they talk about stupid things I want to shut them up with a mean remark. They just seriously piss me off.

Now, they are at a conference which I refused to go to. I don’t ever want to go to any conferences with them. Either I go by my self or stay here. I refuse to spend any more time with them. It’s enough I have to put up with them here, I don’t need to do so at some conference in some other city where I have to be with them for over 12 hours a day. So I am so happy. They are gone, and I will be free! I hope my boss gives them the rest of next week off so I can be free of them and can get more work done since I have been a slacker and so behind.

So from being at work 5 years and seeing people leave or get fired, I learned a few things. People need to stop thinking they are better than others. They need to stop making fun of others to display to others their stupid sarcastic humor, and they need to actually like what they do and be nice to people and their co-workers. All I can say some people at work will not last that long. And if they do, and their continued sarcasm and disrespect to others continue and escalates to a point where I can’t stand it, then I will just leave. I am not married to my job and I know I can do something else in my life that could be more interesting. It may not be a hobby, but something where people will respect me more and I feel like I am going to a real job and not a playground. I just don’t know why I tolerate this. I wish I didn’t like what I did so I can force my self to leave, but the problem is I really like my work. I just wish I worked alone and I was more productive!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

So here is the situation.. a couple of hours ago I was deeply offended by “someone” that I fucken have to put up with daily and I am not really impressed with work wise or personal wise. I find him childish. He dissed me for being Palestinian.. and saying that I am not a real Palestinian and I don’t know how it feels to be an Arab because I was not born in my own country. That’s when I looked and was in shock.. Are Arabs that racist to each other? That’s when I had to stop it. My anger level was above normal and luckily I did not scream.

I had to retaliate quickly and said, “I can’t believe you would say such thing and act all ignorant about something that is so political and we can’t do anything about. My parents could not help what happened, they did not choose this path. We are not born in our country for political reasons! But your family chose not to have you in your OWN country.”

That shut him up. I was extremely pissed off. I can’t believe that Arabs are so stupid and ignorant. So pathetic. No wonder why my people are suffering. Millions of Arabs, 28 countries and they could not manage to help and defend their Arabic neighbour! It is because they are two-faced stupid ignorant people who hate others! No wonder there is so much corruption in the world. They know nothing about how much we suffered. Living in refugee camps, going from one country to another to beg them to live there and give us a home. We are treated like crap because of who we are.

I really don’t like other Arabs because of the ignorance and stupid racist comments they throw at each other. I learned to just retaliate. In my mind I rather have people make fun of me, say stupid sarcastic comments, but once they make fun of my people, I will seriously get angry.

Like I said before, I will never ever step foot in any ARABIC country ever! If my land is free that’s the only place I will go back to. Other than that, only Canada wanted us and gave us a home. No one else in the fucken world cared! Especially Arab racist countries!

Angry, Blah Blah