Religion is used to make you feel guilty about your actions. It makes your inner unconscious scrimmage from agony because you feel so guilty. Aaah.. I love religion and hate it. I want a neutral religion with no guilt. How about that? I am not gonna denounce the fact I am Muslim, but I need to have people stop using religion against me!

We need religion to just be pure ethical and morally positive! That’s all. I hate it when others use it to make you feel guilty!! aaahhhgghhhh..

Angry, They said what?

Make sure you read part 1 first here or it wouldn’t make sense!

I totally forgot where I left off. I am spending my time re-reading and seeing where I left off. Aah yes.. the summer when I was hired full time. I guess I was destined for a better future. I tried my best to keep my self upbeat and happy. It was hard. Deep down inside I still liked him. For other reasons. I guess I tried my hardest to stay positive and hoping that yes maybe deep down inside he did like me but he was having issues. Although I should have ended it then. But he still acted friendly and nice to me. He then got a job again.. but this time to the nemesis of our network. He didn’t last a month. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I was now at a good position and treated well and he went down the scale. I guess he didn’t like the fact that he lost so much and at the same time he wanted to stay close to me. Then at the same time he couldn’t handle it. He had his own problems but being broke was the worst part. It caused him major depression and it made me sad. Cause deep down inside I did feel the pain. I felt bad. I felt like I was the cause and I just tried too hard to comfort him and still be a friend.

I guess liking someone than end up being friends is not that easy. So time passed.. summer passed and things were normal. Then he got him self a job. It wasn’t as great as the job he had with me but he was able to work nights and weekends. Which was great since he was in school. Just hanging out and trying to be “friends”. However, deep down inside I didn’t want a friendship with a guy. Then around my 24th birthday he decided to leave town. He didn’t even want to hang out with me because he didn’t want to spend money on a gift. Although he had a job he just didn’t want to go through the hassle. I told him if we were friends presents are not important. Hanging out going out to eat is good enough. He just didn’t listen and just left town. He didn’t want to be here. I felt alone and no one cared to even say happy birthday to me. He just didn’t care and I thought of him as my only friend. That’s when my true depression hit me. It made me hate my life. It made me dread each birthday.. it made me dread growing old and unloved and with no one caring about me. I became suicidal. I just wished at times I didn’t have to live such a life. I was used and felt unworthy to anyone. I didn’t know why either. I kept thinking that I was maybe a bad person that no one liked. I just didn’t have anyone on my side. I just didn’t know why.

So days passed. His birthday came up and I decided to be a good hearted person and I got him a gift. He was in shock and begged me to take it back. I was like why? It’s your birthday. We are friends right? I guess I did it to see his reaction. To show him I don’t forget. I care. I just wanted to have a nice friendship at that point. Just be friends.

At that time, I didn’t really have a path in life. I guess deep down inside I just wanted to have a peaceful life and be married and have a nice family. I was willing to wait. I was a very patient person. So I just let life pass by.. So time flew by. I barely saw him or talked to him much. He occasionally passed by my work and we just hung out or had lunch. Normal. I didn’t really care at that point. I tried my best to accept the fact we are friends. That’s all. I just couldn’t handle it. I kept telling my self, why am I friends with this guy? He made my life miserable. Was I that lonely? Was I that depressed that I just needed someone to talk to so badly that I only resorted to him? At that time of my life I became more gloomy. More sad. At times I just broke down crying for no reason. I just felt enormous pain and sadness. People my age were married. Had kids. Had nice lives.

I just felt unfortunate. And he was there, yet I didn’t know why he was still there. I just hoped deep down inside he still liked me and was just being friendly and didn’t want a commitment till he had a stable job and done school. So I just waited and waited. My patience was at its peek. Then summer came. I felt him being more distant. I understood that he was working and busy.. but I didn’t see him. He barely called or talked to me. I didn’t see him at all. I felt he didn’t care. I mean friends see each other from time to time.. but 8 weeks! 8 weeks I didn’t see him! He kept saying he is busy.. how busy can people really get? I just felt neglected and not having any friends. And the only person I thought of as a friend didn’t even care to see me. It’s enough he broke my heart, but to neglect me even as a friend. I just couldn’t handle it. He kept telling me he is out playing soccer.. ok great.. but who the hell plays soccer at 11 pm or 12 am? Later I realized he was always out with his cousins or trashy Arab guys drinking and at clubs or bars.. that’s all he did. That was his leisure.

One time I asked him why the hell he goes to club? Why the hell he drinks..? Want to hear the funny answer? He said.. “Arab married guys do it too. So what?” At that point I felt like I just wanted to kill him.. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He then said, “everyone does it.. so what.. this is what Arab guys do!”.. I felt disgusted. Which Arab guys? The trashy ones of course..

So fall came again and I just stayed in touch with him.. I still had hope. I had faith in someone that I just wished he would go back to his old self. Or to the person I once knew him as. I just always had a positive optimistic view of life and people. Until the day.. He got hired at a company. A real salary. More than me.. and I was so happy for him. I was like finally. He got his brake and maybe he will change and won’t be depressed and cranky anymore. Things will just go back to normal… but I was wrong.. nothing changed and things got worse.. that’s when I felt more depressed and I just wanted to talk. I wanted to blurt out to anyone.. but who? I didn’t want to talk to people around me. I didn’t want people to judge me. I just resorted to this. So I made a blog. This blog. I felt I needed to tell a story. To share something. To tell the world that I will not stand it anymore. I was tired of being pushed over and used. I was tired of having to live this stupid backwards Arab mentality life and it’s people. I got tired of hypocrites and two-faced Arabs..

So I made my blog. I decided to put a word that would cause friction. Will cause questions. Will cause people to talk and take me seriously. I just wanted to start a rebellion. Against being me. Against being my self. Against being an Arab girl trapped in this little world of mine. The depression killed me. It destroyed me. It made me a sensitive person who wasn’t able to talk. I needed to speak out. I just had to say something.

That’s how the true problems began. That’s when my thoughts were spoken out loud. They were written for the world to see. It was written for him to read.. It was the beginning of the end.

Part 3 of the story to be continued tomorrow.

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I have come across so many cool and interesting Arab blog rings as the term used to be called. Some are nice. Let me explain, it is a site that someone maintains that has a collection of Arab related blogs. The problem is that the owners of these aggregates are complete ass holes. So for some specific sites, I go through the process of signing up. I wait and wait and no answer. Day after day. Nothing. Then I go through the blogs that are a part of their site and sit there trying to figure out why I didn’t get accepted.

I look through them and see a clan of bloggers. Specific type of writing. Specific nationalities.Then I sit there and think, what’s wrong with my blog? Is it because I live in the Western world? Are my thoughts not Arabic enough? Is the title of my site not suitable and offensive? Is my writing style not suitable? So I saw a major bias. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want to fight. But calling a blog aggregate a certain name that specifically says “Arab ….. blogs” or whatever, yet they pick specific nationalities, specific writing styles and calling it a great Arab blog collection site with so many diverse Arabs is complete BS. It is racist and stupid. It sucks!

So I decided to unjoin my self from all stupid Arab biased and racist sites. It is not fair! I don’t even want to be part of the Palestinian one. I could care less now. I want my blog to represent ME and being an Arab and a girl is a bonus! I don’t want to be part of any of those stupid biased sites. Being a part of any of them is a disgrace. I don’t want my site and my thoughts to be represented in biased sites. I am an Arab with my own thoughts. I write for me and I don’t want to be represented on behalf of any site! I can represent my self. Google loves me!

Angry, Whatever!

Why is it that I wake up every morning and check my email to find some random guy emailing me about his life and wants to hook up? Seriously why the hell they want me! They don’t even know me! I am sick of it. I need to disable all my accounts. I think I still have a hi5 account still not deactivated. It is so pathetic really. I have no pic or information. Nothing! So why they message me? This is the message. You got the laugh!

Subject: big kiss from me to u x x x _____ x xx

where to find you? Where are you which will be able to open my heart? I hope for you attentive, cordial and tender, healthy, near to the nature and of the arts.je am not photogenic enough, but think you of liking me because all is hidden in the heart is necessary just to open it and discover, I present myself ahmed, currently residing in – Algeria old of 40ans large of size 180cm weight 92 kg holds bronse seeks a woman, sincere and charming for serious knowledge for marriage. I would describe myself like a simple and sincere person, who needs to give and receive tenderness and L `love. I am also faithful, and do not claim to be perfect. I seek neither of the promise in L `air nor of the poem with L `water of pink but simply a knowledge of heart in heart, with an aim of building a future with two. I write this message to you for I would say to you that I would like to meet a woman for marriage, possèdant a good character because I seek a sincere love and not of passage and would be eager to have a good happy family lime pit of love and happiness, I work in a public administration. I am very seriuex open like the flower, I am soft, and simple sympathetic nerve. I am very serious with my word Ci which I seek the good, jespere my message will find you good of health, carries you well and has very soon I leave you my address email while hoping to read you soon; ______@hotmail.com

Half of the message I could not understand! It is stupid!! It is mixed with French words at times cause he is from Algeria… and he is 40!!!! 40!!!!!!!!.. aaaaaaaaaaaaah.. I am sick of it!! I have to admit I went back to facebook after a couple of weeks but I made my account super private so no idiot I don’t know will message me out of no where! So anyways!! I am sick of it!! I don’t want a guy! None!! I want to be left alone!! Seriously!! I don’t want a relationship anymore. I got tired of being in one for 4 years that ended up in nothing! So leave me alone.. I even get comments to my site from desperate guys thinking this site is a dating site or a place to hook up with me!! Unfortunately it is not!! So if I get one more stupid guy emailing me out of no where or posting a stupid comment I will seriously flip!! I will turn my site to anti-Arab guys site and trash desperate guys!! How about that?

Aghhhhhhhh.. Mona is seriously mad in the early morning!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

I am always sniffling and have watery nose in the cold winter days.. and I tell my self.. GOD when will spring comes.. spring comes and the grass is all green and pretty.. and what happens again.. I get more sick from allergies.. I don’t know what I am allergic to, but I know it is definetly the grass! So I go to work all sniffly and I feel so congested and I am about to die! Then it all goes away within an hour or so.. then by the time I got to go home.. I suffer through the same problem again.. aghh.. Stupid spring.. Anyways.. I did remind my self to get a hearing test since I do work in an audiology and speech building.. so I go there and ask:

Me: “I need an appointment for a hearing test”

Lady: “We are booked for May and June, and no appointments till September. We are closed July and August for renovations, come back in mid August to get an appointment. Is it for your self. Have you been here before?”

Me: “Yes I have, well ok, I work in this building, so I guess I can come back.. no way to squeeze me in.. my right ear is really bad”

Lady: “Not till September”

Me: “Ok thanks.. I will come back in August I guess, thank you. Bye!”

Can someone remind me in August when I am almost deaf to make an appointment? The allergies are seriously making it worse that I cannot hear at all from it and I feel so congested. Aghhh.. Stupid clinics!! Dentists are a lot easier to get an appointment with!! I need to also go to the dentist.. check up check up.. got to keep the teeth healthy and able to chew chew!

Angry, Blah Blah, Funny