Posts in "Whatever!"

I don’t want to say too much

Yeah I know. The title and thought process is so unlike me. I wanted to explain my previous posts though. Yes, they are regarding the God awful job that I have and not my readers. Like I said, job. This is not a place where I can label it as a career. I don’t want to get into the atrocious ridiculous details of why I despise it, but I can’t leave it without getting another one. If ever.

Today, I realized that if I leave they are beyond screwed. It all happened because one of my co-workers is sick. The male boss said, “MONA!! Don’t be sick too! You have to be here!” I said that I am not sick or feel that way. Why the sudden fear?

I wish I can disappear from the face of this earth. Guilt. Guilt. My subconscious. Shut up! I am not listening to you!

I ate my lunch early, because when you are thinking you get hungry. Now how will I feel at 3:00 pm?

I just don’t know how my yo-yo sane-in-sane hour by hour awful life will be. It’s not even noon yet. Some people don’t respect time zone differences anyways.

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Consideration

I am not a suicide case. I don’t think there is anyone in the world who is worth it. Not even my cat.

It’s only Tuesday, and I have considered jumping from a several stories high building. Also, I considered that a half moving car may bitch slap my car and roll it on its side while I am in it, then get hit by a train. Then I realized, that nothing is damn worth my finger nail. Fuzz them! All minions in my rebellious pond.

If you are smart beyond smartness and considered in the first world as genius, you will know what I am talking about. I consider my time is up, and I want to publicly display my inner demon. I don’t care anymore. I am gonna act heartless towards everyone.

I have been living in an abyss that I semi created, and for what? For my suffering? What am I gaining… or just losing?

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I stand corrected

I know I was a bit dramatic in my previous post regarding Arab weddings, but I stand corrected by every word I have written. My mother went with my sister to a wedding the past weekend. I didn’t want to go for obvious reasons:

  1. I didn’t want to see anyone from the past; hence, went to University with me.
  2. The groom’s brother got married but totally hot. My style that will never happen.
  3. I can’t stand weddings that are done to show off.
  4. The groom doesn’t even live here anymore. He hasn’t for a few years. Hence, show off!

Anyways, my mother decided to talk about the wedding yesterday because I seemed to care.

My mother, “I knew everyone there.”

I said, “Nice.”

My mother, “The bride wasn’t pretty though.”

I said, “Huh? Why do you think that?”

My mother, “I don’t know how to describe it. She is not memorable. I can’t even remember how to describe her.”

Oh God!! Stereotypes! I didn’t want to hear that or care. She is a typical Arab! She wouldn’t say why, but she labeled her forever!

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Just watching

I remember when I was a kid, I refused to walk behind anyone. My parents tell me, because they remind me constantly that I kept saying, “Why should I?”

For every question, I always asked why and why I should I. I felt that no one was above or beneath me since I was young. I always felt humans are born in this world, and they should not have a label on them no matter what.

All this came to be because I have been reading several blogs, forums, comments or whatever and there is a pattern. Those that don’t have a blog or they have a mediocre blog, label successful bloggers as whiney and narcissist.

I don’t get it. So if you express your self, it is a bad thing? I don’t follow. And if those successful bloggers won’t tell the whole story, they are like little girls. I am just baffled by how they label others. Worst part is, when words don’t hurt enough, they go to the extreme and their curiosity plagues their judgement and say, “they just want the page views and money.” So they are giving it to them?

I am just confused by the whole thing. Talk the talk, but they purposely walk the walk.

Oh well. Thank God I am in my little corner and just watching.

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When my bitterness grew

It was mid-spring of this year. After taking 6 grueling courses for my certification, I was registered in my last one. The big kahoona as I called it. It required me to focus and say, “12 more weeks.. that’s it!”

I wanted to finish badly, because I was tired at that point of being a student and paying for each course. I felt old too, but many people would not believe it for a million dollars.

It was my final online course, but I chose to discuss my project face to face because I felt it was easier and quiker. So it seemed.

A middle aged man was sitting on the computer. He looked like he was in his late 30′s or early 40′s. He said with disbelief in his tone, “You’re Mona?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He never seen me obviously from my other adult online courses. I looked like I belonged as a student right out of high school.

He said, “I have to finish with this student (online chat) and I will get to you.”

So I sat down and meekley drew on the table with my fingers. After 2 minutes, he looked at me with the corner of his green eyes and said, “I did not forget you. Just give me a minute.”

I smiled and nodded.

A minute or so later he said he was done and I moved across from him. I told him briefly about me, where I was originally from, my project and the chaos that I live through every day. He stated that he worked with enough programmers in his life that he could label them as one thing, “Brilliant.”

I talked some more, and he saw my tone changed to an unearthy bitterness, and he said after all my complaining, “You’re moody right?”

I knew who I was dealing with, and enough titles in his name and his current work position proved that. I said, “Yes. So?”

He looked at me for a few seconds and then I continued talking. He quickly stopped me and offered me some of his chocolate. I looked at it and took a piece and said, “You always eat chocolate?”

He nodded and I looked at the clock behind him. He looked back and looked at me. I said, “I didn’t mean to look at the time.”

After a few seconds, and me growing tired, he stopped me and said, “You have a boyfriend? Kids? Divorced?”

I had no idea why he asked that and why. So many thoughts permeated my head and during that 1 second of thinking of an answer, I said with a smile, “No.”

He looked at me and did not say anything. I said, “I am 31, but a lot of people don’t think I am.” He said, “I am 45, and no one believes me either.”

Another student walked in and stopped the conversation. I was not only glad, but I had a sigh of relief under my breath. After a grueling hour, I had the chance to go. He said, “Don’t go. Stay with me till I finish all the students.” I hesitated and stayed for another 5 minutes and said later cutting off the other student, “I have to go now. See you later in the semester during the presentations.”

I left. As I was going down the escalator I phoned home and said, “Oh my God! He talked so much!!!!”

As the semester went on, in online discussions he picked on me once and wrote a long winded speech. For all that know me, I did not give a rat’s ass, and merely answered, “It was great!”

Later on, during presentation time, he was happy to see me, and he situated him self next to me. Did I mention he was divorced? I don’t know why, but I had a good speculation who asked for the divorce.

As the presentations went on, he only mentioned my name, and used me as an example for everything. I grew tired and it was noticable. I don’t talk much or ask, but I just listen to everyone. As the night went on and during a change in presenter he said to me, “What are you smiling about? I am going to find out later why you are smiling.” I said nothing. I did not want to answer that and I wanted to leave.

More presentations were conducted a week later. Again, he picked on me till the bitter end. After all the presentations were done, he offered everyone that was there to come to dinner at a restaurant in the same building. I wanted to leave, but he begged me to stay. I said fine. I went along with two other students that agreed too.

As we were going down the escalator he said to me, “You will not get above a 90% in this class.” I said nothing at the point. I was angry and my bitterness grew. Who is moody now? The girl that did not say anything back to you, or you?

I was furious at that point. We sat down, and like the possesive and controlling a-hole that he was, he ordered for us all a plate of nachos to share. He looked at me, and the first thing he said, “Mona. You have a beautiful smile.” I said nothing. I looked at him blankly. He said the same remark again. No reaction from me at that point.

He mentioned when the marks were due and he had to submit them. As I was boiling inside I said, “So I have to endure you as a teacher till Wednesday?” He looked at me not knowing what to say. My true colours are slowly showing and I was beyod angry. As we all conversed, the food came. I refused to eat.

He said that I should not be in a higher profession and I should find a man and let him take it off my shoulders. I did not say anything, but my boiling point was reached and he tipped on a territory that is forbiden in my world.

As it was very late, I said I had to leave. I shook the other students hands. He said, “Mona. Give me a hug good bye.” I drew a no in my hand as a sign of whatever. He said, “Come on.” I said, “Bye now.” I shook his hand and left. I did not see him again.

He did not submit the class marks till 3 weeks later. Obviously, he did not answer my emails later and he lowered my grade by 10%.

All I can say that some people make my blood boil and that’s why I am bitter. I did not mention this story earlier because I was going through a period of disbelief of some humans who think they can get what they like. He met his match.

I recieved my certification later and did not care. It was in the bitter past. So many people you meet in your life. So many.

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