I stopped because I felt sick, then I felt like I wanted to murder someone.

I am at the edge and hanging by a thread. Dear God help me.

I really need to stop writing from work, and I need to concentrate. I haven’t done so in forever, but my mind is clouded now with so many things. I need it to stop and go back to the way it used to be. I try to always look back and say, “Wow, I was better!” Was I better? Or maybe I was at a stage in my life that I think is better than now.

Only time will really tell.

I guess I have been alone for so long, that it is nice to talk to someone and get them engaged in your conversation. I don’t know if I will ever find anyone who cares and wants to be with me ever. Plus, in Arab standards I am way too old. Makes me giggle at the thought. Good thing I don’t look or act my age at times.

I don’t know. Sometimes people tell me that I will find the one, blah blah, but when? Am I realizing now that I am waiting and nothing. I know deep down I probably want a life or my own to share with someone, but who wants to understand me or want to listen?

I think I am just dreaming and waiting for nothing. A girl can dream at least. Makes me happy at just the thought.

I will just sit, watch, and wait. Things have to change. Why aren’t they changing? The thought is making me cringe!

I am confused and lost in my own doing. I don’t really know how to express it in a way that is not too personal, although it is my blog, but I feel I need to refrain from being loud sometimes. Hence, that is the reason I don’t write too much.

Well, forget the above and what I said. Let me analyze something else, but it may seem a bit biased. I see that the majority of people that comment on my blog are not Arabs. I have nothing against anyone, but I agree, my older posts did seem that they are leaning towards the culture and not agreeing with its customs. That seems to attract those individuals. As of late, I don’t write much regarding it at all. Why should I?

I have out grown it and I live a very neutral life style. I don’t let Arabs effect me. I don’t live by their rules. I have lived in North America for 2/3 or more of my life. Why should I make it the highlight of my daily life? It is amusing sometimes, but it is just people and a culture.

Am I labeled as one? Well yeah! I like others to know I am Arab. I am a narcissist of being one, but only cause I look the part. I am pretty conservative in nature, and it has nothing to do with my culture. That’s just how I am, and each individual is different and unique in their own way.

I am looking back now at my life, and over half the stuff I don’t even remember or want to be reminded of it. I don’t have any regrets or wish things turned out differently, but there is this feeling inside me that keeps asking, “What I have done to deserve this?”

One last note: Like my new Facebook Fan Page! https://www.facebook.com/officialrebelliousarabgirl/

Every time I went to a shoe store, I asked the sales rep for the same thing, but no. However, one sales lady some how started asking me questions like, why you want them for? Why not high? You want flats instead? Then she asked me twice, are you a waitress? I didn’t reply the first time nor the second time. I was wondering why she asked that. Then my mom started talking to me in Arabic, and the sales lady said, “You Arabs, I am too!!”

I was like oh God! Mom! Let’s get out of here now. Every shoe store seemed to have some Arabic owner or Arabic sales rep that figures out we speak the language. If you all know me, then I speak and reply in English so no one knows or starts asking me the same old question:

“Which Arabic country are you from?”

It’s already a shocker that a girl is in Information Technology. You won’t believe how many interviews I have been in where the interviewer says, “Oh wow, a girl in IT!” Like I am such a weird freak that looks nothing like an IT professional. I feel like I should hide in a whole with Internet connection and no human contact to avoid being asked the same stupid questions. I swear that over 50% of the people out there need a reality check.

Shoes that I have purchased that are normal and for work from The Bay.

One last note: Like my new Facebook Fan Page! https://www.facebook.com/officialrebelliousarabgirl/

Currently, I am at work and bored. This is the first time ever I am not doing anything, but I actually decided to not do anything. I dread Sundays. I hate Mondays. And I count the days until it is weekend time. It’s like a never ending cycle.

Now, I am starting my course. The final one that will take me 12 weeks of constant focus until I finish it. I realized that some people struggled in the past courses. I thought I did too, but when I look at my A average, and wonder what the heck people are talking about, it made me realize that maybe I am a teeny bit smarter than them. Or I think I am, but I try. I sleep on it and barely read, and I get the assignments done on that same day! I should be shot because I am a procrastinator and I will never learn!

Anyways, my last Project Management course where I have to apply my project management knowledge, and actually create a project, research, and write an in-depth report about it. Anyone care to help me?

I will sleep on it.

Like my Facebook Fan Page! https://www.facebook.com/officialrebelliousarabgirl

Not, but I try to be. I have seen a lot, and I am refraining from seeing and feeling the crap all around me because honestly why bother? It has been so long, and such a tedious journey that there is no point of waiting or hoping. I don’t hope for anything anymore. I don’t wish for anything either. I am just living day by day. I try to stay calm, cool, and live life the way it was meant to be.

I just ask my self at that moment, why me? Why do I have to endure such a life and for whom? I am doing nothing for my self, no one cares or wants to know how I feel. I feel that everyone is trying to use me in some way, and I cannot say no. Why can’t I say no?

All I know is that I am not my self, I am a transe living a life that I don’t want, but at the same time, I can’t get out of it.

P.S. I hate Mondays!

One last note: Like my new Facebook Fan Page! https://www.facebook.com/officialrebelliousarabgirl/

After these kids have grown up, will the mommy blogs end up talking about being grandmas? Or hating who their children are dating and will marry? It’s a public display of every day life. What does it matter anyways? Book deals, advertisement space, etc!

No wonder why kids are not being kid like anymore. They know that posing to the camera is more important than playing outside naturally and having fun in life without the public’s constant knowledge. Aren’t you all sick of it? I am.

I am sticking to my world and enjoy life my own crazy way. Who cares about people. I control what I say, and I don’t need someone else telling the story for me.

One last note: Like my new Facebook Fan Page! https://www.facebook.com/officialrebelliousarabgirl/