A darkend mood

I have been depressed in my life, but I don’t know how I feel now. Maybe I feel utter shame and worthlesness. Something I never felt before, and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Maybe the days are just slowly running by. I can’t stop time. No one can at all. Life goes on, but what did we do to deserve this?

What mistakes that we purposely made to come to this? I have no idea at all.

I am asking my self all these questions, and I have no answer. I just gave up because I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing.

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What to do next

I have been at home and refused to leave for 4 days now. I am just not in the mood to deal with anyone now. My family is trying to be supportive and mom keeps telling me that I am not the first one. I know. I just refuse to be insulted. If I was my fault, then I would understand and let things be. But it is not. That is what is driving me crazy.

In the meantine, I have no idea what to do next. I do want to work on my project that I have been holding off for a couple of years now. I have to think optimistically now. I never did that in my life. It is hard and have no idea if it will work, but I got to try. I really have to try.

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Things couldn’t be better

Life is a bitch, but that didn’t stop me.

I refused to eat yesterday because I was so angry. This morning my parents made me and told me to stop acting like a suicide case. This is the first time this happens to me. This is what I deserved. Maybe I needed the ultimate push to stop what I am doing so I can figure out now what I should do with my life. What will make me happy. I would really have loved a good excuse that is all. It drives me insane till now. Honesty is horrible with so many people. They are afraid of it.

So, I just sat at home today enjoying the cool comfortable spring weather. Best thing I can enjoy now. Way better than being in a room with barely any place to move, and is hot beyond belief. (This only happened less than a week ago.) 10 monitors and 4 workstations? Server room separating us that is almost 30c? I don’t get the logic. Insane people. I though my previous 3.5 year employers were crazy, but the one I had the past 2 months is the cherry on top of huge fat ugly cake.

They are still (the guilty) looking at my personal site. Stupid idiots.

Maybe I am relieved. Don’t you think? Maybe I should explore my options now. I got time. Only 24 hours in a day to do so much whenever I want. I have not come up with any concrete plans though. Hmm.. I am still recovering, but thinking too!

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Calm and love to swear

Hey everybody,

Remember me? Yes, I am Mona. I am at the epiphany of shock right now. I was earlier today when I was let go from my job. Pack my stuff and out the door they said! Why you might ask? Simple. No excuse. No excuse at all. I touched upon the reason why. I said it was hot that day (Tuesday). Move me please. No air conditioning! The end of the day, I went back to my seat. That’s how much hypocracisy there is working with idiots within a family. There is a spy who loves to report every thing. May he die and go visit Hades for all I care. My God why can’t I get a real excuse like “You are a horrible programmer!” They touched on time management. What the fuck? What time management? No dates are set! I made them up because no one else did. Oh my God no one likes honesty at all. Everyone is a peon and shuts up.

I am so angry right now, but I will stay calm. I can swear and tell them to go fuck themselves. I am tired of this shit. Same horse vomit everywhere and it disgusts me.

I have my own personal blog. Since I pay attention to every detail and have statitics everywhere, I can see the activity on that site. Guilt? They are guilty? They keep looking at my personal Twitter and site. They are going home even and feeling guilty? What do they expect me to say? I am polite to a point, but I am sick and tired of working for someone. I don’t want it anymore.

I will be blogging way more. I am beyond angry and will be from now on. I can’t believe it. This what happens when you work for many years. You get treated like shit!

I am calm now. Calm.

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