My dearest,

For several months now, I have contemplated whether to write you this letter. As days passed, all I could think of is the time I longed to be with you. To be within your arms smiling at your moonlit face and wondering how long this will last. How long I have to wait for the day when I will be with you forever. I kept waiting, days passed, years passed, and nothing.

I remembered that love is forbidden in our lives. To love is but a sin committed by two souls. To love someone is to deeply devote your soul to something that cannot be seen or touched. This I cannot endure. As my heart cannot fathom to betray my roots. To betray my self. To betray my mere existence. However, as weak as I am, I am only but human. The sins committed by out heart’s desire we cannot stop. It couldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, and doesn’t want to stop.

Time has passed, and the heart played the role of controlling our lives. Some of us like I mentioned are weak. We are weak. I am weak. I know you were not able to feel what I have felt. You were not able to endure the agony that my heart desired. You could not understand what love is. Maybe I didn’t either. Maybe none of us do.

What is love you may ask me? I do not know. It is nothing that can be touched or seen, but only a sin that we are living. I tried to remove such feelings from my heart’s desire, but what can I do? I am only human.

Life passed before my eyes. What am I to do? Who am I to turn to now? I live a life torn between two worlds. Life that I cannot fathom to speak of, and life that I can only dream of. I tried with all my heart’s desire to forget you. To love no more. What is love? Really? Was I that foolish to believe and put faith in something that cannot be touched or seen? To put all my faith in something that tears my heart in two? Why am I foolish? Was the sin committed that horrible that made me so blind to see the truth. The truth that we are merely puppets to this invisible feeling. This feeling that controls us to the point where life of insanity is better than life lead by love?

Why should I still love you? Why should you still love me? What has love done to us? It has just torn us apart.

It made us miserable human beings. It is better if we never love at all. It is better if we didn’t have to let our hearts lead the way because it is blind. It cannot see what we see. It cannot tell what is right and what is wrong. Feelings cannot control us and tell us where to go. It can only take us to a direction that thinks will lead to a result. A path that leads to harmony and bliss. How can something so blind tell the way?

I am sorry my dearest that our hearts grew apart. Our life was blind and lead by blindness. Forgive me not of what I have said, but only think of the truth behind our hearts. If there is any truth, let it lead the way, and not let any blindness and melancholy trap us to a never ending trail of agony. Let us be free of this life controlled by blindness. Let us see what we can touch. Let us feel what we see. Just let the truth guide us and let’s be free of each other. Forever is better than never.

Good by my love. I was cured from my blindness that you have never endured. Sorry I was weak, and you were cruel.

- Mona

Random Thoughts

I need the following things:

1. I need a vacation
2. I need a new jacket
3. I need a few sweaters for winter
4. I need new friends
5. I need a new job
6. I need new pillows
7. I need more books
8. I need new shoes
9. I need fudge
10. I need a new guy
11. I need more money
12. I need a new blog
13. I need order to my life!

I am just so needy now..

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I guess the lack of sleep killed my brain cells.. It’s like being a drunk.. not that I have ever been one or ever plan to. However, my lack of sleep has lead me to go off to school and do my assignment.. I had to brake my fast because I was dead. I didn’t eat. I just drank a very large energy drink to keep my brain active. I was suffering mentality from no sleep. I sat in the lab for hours and I got most of it done.. Then the prof emails around noon and says the assignment has been postponed till Monday without penalty. I read the email and I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh from joy or cry from shock!

The assignment is not what kept me up. I could have slept or just completely ignored the assignment and took a 10% penalty like I always do.. Big deal! I just couldn’t sleep or think about sleep. I was fully awake but couldn’t sleep. I felt so sick and tired of life that nothing I was doing was good enough. I was not depressed.. I was just disgusted with my self.

So I was fully awake and I emailed my boss at 3:30 am and told him I am not coming. I didn’t have a reason other than I am still fully awake and it is 3:30 am! The problem is I couldn’t go to sleep and I left the house anyways around 7 am.

I then talk to my co-worker through msn and he told me he was the only one there at work.. No one was there. I then thought to my self.. wow.. I guess it is in the air.. no one wanted to work today…

I then got home, and I just sunk into bed.. I was dead tired.. as I put my head on the pillow, I felt the blood surge in my head.. my legs and hands were so numb.. I just kept telling my self, please I want to sleep.. Just an hour please you stupid brain.. go unconscious for an hour!!

I woke up 2 hours later by my sister.. She said, “wake up.. time to eat breakfast!” Breakfast? Did she mean sohour!! What day was it? I looked outside and it was still light out.. and I looked at the clock and it was 7. I thought, seven in the morning..?? Why we eating now!! We can’t.. then she looked at me and said, “wake up now!! Mom made my favourite mushroom soup!” I then thought wow.. good it has only been 2 hours but I was fully awake and extremely happy and I thought I slept an entire day! Those two hours I felt rejuvenated, happy, and extremely hyper that as we were eating I kept saying, “thanks mommy!! This is good food!”

My mom and dad saw my unusual behaviour and kept questioning.. “Is something wrong with you? Why you come home and sleep.. you never do that.. you are always fully awake.. Are you ok? Did someone hurt your feelings or someone said anything to you.” I thought to my self, “hmm… yes.. so many people in the past hurt my feeling and I wish someone can do the deed of murdering them for me.. but opening Pandora’s box to my parents would cause me to get in trouble which I didn’t want to deal with at my current state and age.. maybe in 30 years………….. Well, then I said out loud, “wow wow.. wallah nothing.. holy crap!! I was just tired!! you people are always sleeping half the day.. why did it bother you that I did!” They said, “but your little MunMun!” I got mad and said, ” I am not little.. but I am MunMun! ”

Now I feel like chocolate!!

Blah Blah, Funny, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

I am still fucken awake and it is 3:30 am. I am so sick of my life… I had a huge migraine all day, and now I can’t sleep worth a damn.. fine.. I give up on sleep.. I give up on everything.. I am sick of everything! And I will not go back to sleeping pills!! I am sick of drugs!

Angry, Ranting as usual!

This morning before going to work my mom and I were talking and she then mentioned money and work. She asked me this…

“when are you going to be a millionaire?”

I replied and said,

“why do I want to be a millionaire? I am happy and I get paid well.. for now..”

She said,

“But you are smart and capable of many things, you should get another job or think of something to be a millionaire..”

I laughed and said,

“Why do I want to be a millionaire.. what am I going to do with all that money anyways.. I am happy the way I am.. God wants it this way…”

She said,

“With more money you can have a better life, and travel.. and everything..”

I told her,

“I can travel now.. I have money and everything.. I have been saving for 5 years, but I don’t want to go anywhere..”

She then said,

“Just try to be a millionaire.. and that’s it.”

I then told her,

“Fine mama.. for you.. I will try.. “

Blah Blah, Funny, Random Thoughts