I was walking down a corridor with closed doors around me. I was trying to open one at a time but to no avail. I tried every door until I got to a large door with a shining gold nob. Glittering with brightness, I looked at it in amazement and thinking to my self, this door will open for sure. It sure will. I just have to try.

As I touched the nob, I felt a great sensation of victory and great achievement. My senses were lifted ten-fold. I didn’t know what to expect, my heart was racing. I was able to twist the nob slowly. It was twisting. I finally felt like I will be able to get out. To leave. The door was finally opening. Swinging and then ..

My mom wakes me up from my dream to have sohour (breakfast at five in the morning).

I hate dreams that are cut off like that.. I wonder what was behind that door?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

Wow tenth day, how exciting.. We are now in the double digits and moving along greatly. I am still wearing my cool PJ’s that my mom hates. It says on it “Little Miss Chatterbox.” It’s pink, has a weird cartoon character and it is just funny! What’s wrong with it? Anyways, I didn’t leave the house today, I swore I will not spend a penny from now till the end of the month. I am tired of spending. I swear sometimes I want to rip my debit card in half! It’s so absurd this month. However, from now till the end of the year I want to regain all the money I over spent the past 3 or 4 months and look back on the year as a year where I have managed to save some money.

I just finished eating, and mom made lovely food as usual. Love my mom for her cooking! Hehe. Anyways, my dad bought a Black Forest cake. My sister impatiently gobbled it down because there are two things in life she loves. Mashed Potatoes and CAKE. I sat there eating it slowly, and I was like blah.. this is dry. I want something nice and warm to get along with it. So I boiled some water and went to look for a mini tea pot or anything in the dining room cabinet.

I couldn’t find a small metal one. I thought my brother got some from Turkey a few years ago. I then found mom and asked her. She said, “in there, bottom cabinet.” I then opened it and said, “no this is too big. I want tiny.” She said, “I don’t know, keep looking.” So I looked around and saw a porcelain tea pot set. I thought fine, I will use it. Although I saw it the first time but didn’t want it. So I took it to the kitchen to wash it first. My dad was standing in the kitchen making Turkish coffee. I opened it and saw dollar bills.

I said to my dad, “what is this?” I took it out and it was 100 dollar bills, but it wasn’t Canadian, it was American. My dad held it and said, “yes this is American 100 dollar bills.” He called my mom and told her. My mom took the money and said, “oh my GOD! Where did you find it? I think I put it in there years ago. How much is it worth now.” My dad disappointendly said, “same! Dollar Canadian is equal to American now!” Mom said, “thank you Mona so much, what should we do! This is 500 dollars. Let’s keep it till the Canadian Dollar goes down again.” I laughed and said, “you want me to look in any more pots or anywhere else in the house. You seem to have a habit of hiding money EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE that seems to have a top to it!” She was just so happy and speechless. My dad then said, “since you are always lucky and God loves you, you want to go check my lottery ticket!” I said, “no, I am afraid if we win, one of us will have a heart attack.” He said, “that is my biggest fear in life, to win the lotto!” I laughed and said, “maybe you should stop buying them!”

Blah Blah, Funny, Sleepy Post, They said what?

Lately I have been just feeling mellow about life and people. I guess after a while and having such bad experiences in the past, that thinking about love in general is quite tedious. I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess sometimes I wish I can just be more open and give someone else a chance. I find it hard to open these doors again. I feel like I am just removing the bandages of the past.

Sometimes I just feel that I am in love with someone. I guess when you are alone and have no real desire of living life, that anything in your head is possible. The day dreams, the continuous talk to one self really makes a person wonder about life. I am not saying that my previous delusional posts have anything to do with what I am feeling now, but sometimes I just wish things were just “normal.”

I don’t know how to define normal. I never had a normal life. I never had anyone like me for who I am. I never considered my self pretty or anything special. I don’t think highly of my self like some other Arab girls think on a daily bases, so I really just think that no one bothered to like me for who I am. At times I wondered why I was liked in the first place. If my personality and way of thinking is absurd and does not deem appropriate for an Arab girl to be so opinionated and knowledgeable about life, then why I was liked in the first place?

I know things I say are completely bazaar and are not making any sense, but sometimes time catches up on a person. Days pass, years pass, and things stay the same. That is why I mentioned in my previous post about time. How time goes by so fast that we are not keeping up with anything anymore. We cannot keep up with life around us. We are not keeping up with being in love anymore that everything is so technical and impersonal. When was the last time someone sat down and wrote a poem or written a letter in their own hand? When was the last time someone kept calling you and wanting to see you all the time?

Now.. what is love? Now people fall in love and break up over the internet with a click of a button.

I just cannot fathom the idea of being in love again. It is just too hard and thinking about it hurts; being lonely and sad seems more gracious to the soul. I know I am pessimistic about these things, but it has gotten to the point and I am at the age when I am fully awake. I look back and think, what the hell did I do to my self? Could I have prevented it? Could things have changed if I allowed it to? Maybe not.

I just look at my self in my mirror every day and think to my self, “what the hell did I do to my self? What did I gain from life being so naive and stupid and helpless towards the most uncontrollable emotion a person can endure?” I just wish that I can get this melancholy feeling out of my head permanently and hoping to God that it will stop.

When will it stop?

Random Thoughts

As life progresses in our day and age, our life seems to be more empty and just whisking away. We cannot control it, things just seem to be going fast, and we are not enjoying and savoring any moment of it. How can we prevent such things? Do we build a time optimizer machine? We can’t. Humans can’t do that. Humans were able to create the impossible, but only thing they can never do, is control time.

Unfortunately, our time has changed.

Time just devours us, and controls us. I was writing the title of my post and thinking.. Ninth day? Has it been that quick. And I was looking at the date, September 21st. Really? September is almost over. When did this happen? Our our lives that empty or just our way of life is too fast. Things are moving just too fast for us to keep up.

I am saying this because I am in the fastest, most growing field in the world. The world of technology. As I browse the net, I see new gadgets, games, systems, hardware, etc, daily. It’s absurd! Who can keep up with what? The technology, the competition, it is just too much to deal with. I knew when I started this field of technology that it won’t be like any other field out there. Once you are in it, you are a long life learner. If you don’t update and keep up with the fast paced world, you will become a Midevil human living in an Industrial era. You would just be way off. DAILY way off.

The world as we know it has become a vacuum of information. I cannot keep up. I just use word of mouth to learn and know about new things. No matter how much I browse the net, how much I read about new things out there and subscribe to news feeds, I am still behind. How can we keep up? Can you imagine the rest of the general public whose knowledge to technology is limited? How can the world keep up with the time that us humans created! We created this fast paced time and it is quickly changing us and making us feel empty and worthless if we are not part of it.

What more will us humans contribute to the world? How much potential do our brains really have? When will we finally master creating an intelligence that is smarter than us? Will we reach that level? How bad will it be?

Just thinking of the future, 20 years from now is scary. As a person who is born in the 80′s and have witnessed the most incredible technological changes ever in the history of humanity, living another 20 years and seeing a new generation of technology is quite scary. I am scared of the future because I know when things are at their highest peek, it will inevitably fall and taking everyone else with it.

Just think about it for a bit. How much faster can we REALLY go?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Whatever!

Today was another typical day. However, the heat was unbearable. The morning started off cool and breezy, but when I got home it was just horribly hot. I want the fall/winter to come soon! Anyways, I didn’t do much today. Just work and home. I passed by the mall before I got home. I went into Zellers and was just browsing around. I just couldn’t believe how many jars or boxes people open to “see” what’s inside. Why the hell would people open up a jar of peanut butter? It SAYS PEANUT BUTTER! Not a mystery!!

It just irritated me so much. I can’t stand people who open things and don’t buy it. Arghh.. Anyways, I got home and mom was cooking and she was making up food she read off the net. It was yummy! I love Ramadan because mom tries to be creative and uses the internet productively! hehe.

Then we were randomly talking, my mom and I, and I said, “I am tough!” Then she said, “inty fa2eera wa miskeeny, wallahy el wa7ed beykhaf 3aleeky.” Translation: “You are poor and helpless, I swear we are always worried about you.”  I looked at her and looked at the ground. I told her, “my friend thinks the same of me too. ”

I know I may talk the talk and think I am all tough, but everyone knows I am as vulnerable as a bunny. Oh well. I thought about it and I think my mom was right for once. I am not tough and I am really quiet and always by my self. My mom says, “no wonder your sister is tougher than you and always hits you and screams at you!” I said, “I am scared of her.. she is EVIL!” Hahaha..

Aah.. funny funny.. Isn’t my mom and sister funny!!

Blah Blah, Funny, They said what?