Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

When I am sitting alone listening to music, I want my brain to also be at that stage of silence. I don’t want to think, analyse situations, and just tell my conscious to shut the friggen up.

That’s my problem. I sit for hours in silence because I am thinking of a solution. That’s the nature of my job. With the thinking comes what-ifs scenarios. Oh those scenarios! I wish sometimes that I didn’t day-dream or hope for anything in my future. Let me live my life day by day and let things be.

I wish it was that easy, and this fridged weather is not making it easier. Brr!!

A visitor wrote:

“Just had my annual look at your blog. (Not really annual, but it’s a rare visit.) It’s strange… your blog is repetitive, you’re usually unhappy, and yet somehow you’re very likable. Maybe it’s because you’re spirited and honest. I can’t tell if you’re doing something wrong in life, or if you’re just experiencing a “normal” level of dissatisfaction, and you’re just unusually frank in expressing it.

I have been thinking whether I have any “advice” for you. You know, something to say that could be constructively useful. For jobs, I have no clue. I sometimes also visit the blog of ——, another woman in IT, and she just moved to Sweden and loves it, so maybe that’s the answer? And for relationships, well, I have an outrageous suggestion: Become a dominatrix. Yes, I know it’s completely against your values, and if you actually did it, maybe it would just introduce a whole new type of catastrophe to your life; but… I think you need some lateral thinking in that department. You’re holding out for true love and a soulmate in a culture dominated by online hookups. You might end up happier if you resigned yourself to “serial monogamy” like most other women on Earth.

Or, you could just stubbornly remain fixed in your identity and grow old as an I.T. spinster. That’s what freedom to choose means – even the freedom to make the bad choice and stick with it! Because at least it would be *your* choice; an aspect of your life that you and only you had the chance to decide.

Well, that’s the end of this year’s attempt to be wise. <3″

Umm…. where do I even begin to answer this? How would you answer it?

Have you ever felt tired of everything? Have you ever felt that you just want to walk away from everything? From your life, family, friends, job, school?

Don’t you feel you had enough?

So many questions, and I don’t know what I should do from now on, but I had enough.

With anyone. Ask me. I am an expert.

I think I possess a vibe of discontent towards me from anyone. It has to do with one thing, and my God.. I am not going to change for anyone’s sake. I am a control freak who questions everything and not afraid to speak eloquently of my dislikes. Disrespect me in any way, and I will show you what it means to be ignored. Not even a hello from me. That’s how much you don’t deserve my gratitude of where you are at because of me.

I play nice in the hours I am here, but I am not fake. I can’t stand that facade just to be liked and thought of as great. You did something wrong. I called you out on it. It’s your choice to act like a 5 year old and don’t communicate with me. Who the hell are you? Just another person that passess by in my life. You are nothing more.

What am I eluding to? A couple of co-workers who don’t give a fuzz, and think they are following the rules. Not only that, they love to chat about me and make fun me not knowing they will be sorry for messing with me. So, I am being frank and telling the truth, and they act like they are 5. Am I getting too old for this? I am older than them, but why do I have to act much older too and be reasonable?

Now I know who will forever be a follower or a leader in their field. I think the former is stuck on them with glue, and thank the lord that I have my own space and I don’t have to deal with their child like behaviour.

When will some people grow up!

Yeah I know. The title and thought process is so unlike me. I wanted to explain my previous posts though. Yes, they are regarding the God awful job that I have and not my readers. Like I said, job. This is not a place where I can label it as a career. I don’t want to get into the atrocious ridiculous details of why I despise it, but I can’t leave it without getting another one. If ever.

Today, I realized that if I leave they are beyond screwed. It all happened because one of my co-workers is sick. The male boss said, “MONA!! Don’t be sick too! You have to be here!” I said that I am not sick or feel that way. Why the sudden fear?

I wish I can disappear from the face of this earth. Guilt. Guilt. My subconscious. Shut up! I am not listening to you!

I ate my lunch early, because when you are thinking you get hungry. Now how will I feel at 3:00 pm?

I just don’t know how my yo-yo sane-in-sane hour by hour awful life will be. It’s not even noon yet. Some people don’t respect time zone differences anyways.